Would you charge family for Xmas dinner?

[Staceyjas]

AIBU to think you should ask family to pay for their Xmas lunch?
My partner has just told me
Me that his mother who he's having Christmas lunch with said she wants £17 per head from him!I'm going to my family's for lunch so invited him also but he has had it there all his life with his grandparents and siblings too. she said she doesn't want to do It all from scratch and wants to Get it all pre done so it's more money, which I understand but he's gutted and feels like he wants to come to my family now. I can see it from both sides and it's hard work and can be expensive but not like she is financially destitute.

this has never happened before and he has offered to bring the dessert etc but he said handing over cash just feels wrong. As he says it's about family not money but I wanted to see what other people's opinions are ? Or if you do this.
Thanks

If we're doing Christmas with my side of the family my mum usually buys the Turkey and me and my sister split and the rest of the cost of festive food between us. In this situation we would be feeding my mum, my sister plus 3 children and me, DH and DD.

If we're doing Christmas with DH family then PIL pay for everything. I would be very happy to make a contribution but they do not want one.

I don't think either way is wrong but different families have different traditions.

p.s. PIL usually host me, DH, DD, BIL, SIL and so similar cost.
I wish they would take some money it must cost a fortune and I fee terribly guilty.

Well it depends. If different family members take turns in hosting then no but if one family member ends up always hosting due to some logistics - bigger house, central location etc then it is unfair that they have this massive expense annually. Especially if there are a lot of people coming.

My parents and brother come to mine. I usually do a big Xmas food shop with mum and go halves on the cost. Then everyone brings own alcohol aside for the wine to go with dinner.

I think his mums making a stance as she is fed up being taken for a mug.

I didn't know until I was ready to start hosting that my GPs chipped in for Christmas dinner. And in turn when my sister started hosting our parents chipped in.

Now I'm the one with small kids, I host. I have the arguement with my family who want to chip in. DH who's horrified at the suggestion and IL's who the thought of cost / chipping in wouldn't enter their heads.

So in my experience those who've needed to budget carefully appreciate the cost, those who've never had a money worry just don't.

To those who are regular guests at Christmas and never host, just remember to take a substantial amount of stuff as a contribution - ask if advance what you can bring and when the host politely says 'no need, just b ring yourselves' push a little harder and say 'no really, we'd like to bring something - what would be useful - a cheese board, a few bottles of wine, dessert.....' Because if pushed a little, most hosts will gratefully accept an offer. And if youbhaveviffered money because you're a house guest and there for several meals, but that has been turned down, what about sending a supermarket gift card after Christmas £50 or whatever as a thank you. Hosts often say 'no' to offers of help, but I think it's incumbent on those who are regular guests (not necessarily just one off guests) to find a way to give.

And remember again that the £4.50 bottle of wine or the box of Roses isn't a good contribution if you're taking a family of 5 for a full Christmas meal or several days of 3 meals a day.

Fine not to contribute much if you're a one off guest or having a hard time and the hosts are genuinely happy to foot the bill, and fine for families to be honest with each other and those with more to support those with less without any sense of it being wrong to say or do it - isn't that what families should do for each other - but if you're doing okay and find yourselves regularly at someone else's for Christmas perhaps due to geography or house size or whatever and only make a mean contribution or yet the years pass without finding a way to contribute properly, I think that's pretty tight and selfish behaviour.

Contributing can take many forms too - you can take desserts or crackers or booze that's been asked for, or hasn't been asked for. You can send a gift card for a supermarket in advance or after the event. You can say you'll bring items for the Christmas tea or you'll get a takeaway for everyone on Christmas Eve or Bosing Day, or take people out for a pub lunch or a breakfast if you're there for a few days, or you can order the Boxing Day Ham or sausages or whatever you have, or a turkey, or a nice Christmas bouquet. There are loads of ways to contribute.

No problem if everyone takes turns or when there's just one extra, but when you're talking about whole families regularly receiving hospitality with zero serious effort (and a half hearted 'what can I bring' doesn't count as real effort) to contribute in terms of time, effort, money or contributions, I think it's pretty poor. Especially when the hosts are themselves wither not especially well off or are getting on in terms of age. Too often adults behave like they've returned to childhood at Christmas and seem to think Father Christmas magics everything up. He doesn't.

To those who are regular guests at Christmas and never host, just remember to take a substantial amount of stuff as a contribution - ask if advance what you can bring and when the host politely says 'no need, just b ring yourselves' push a little harder and say 'no really, we'd like to bring something - what would be useful - a cheese board, a few bottles of wine, dessert.....' Because if pushed a little, most hosts will gratefully accept an offer

I totally agree.

I made the mistake with my in laws of saying just bring yourselves assuming they'd have the courtesy to bring chocolates/wine etc but they took me at my word and literally came empty handed

Yeah, by all means families should organise things how they think best, but just bringing pudding or cheese is unlikely to be your equal share of costs. The main expense is usually the meat.

Agree and also agree that bringing wine or a pudding mightn’t be much of a contribution. We are hosting 12 adults and 3 children this year. We don’t drink at home much and I’m trying to eat healthily. The last thing we want is to be drowning in wine that won’t be consumed and chocolates that will tempt me. I think cold, hard cash is always a lovely, appreciated gift! We have family who are traveling so they can’t bring a bowl of sprouts or red cabbage etc. I also think people bringing their own dishes and trying to shoehorn them into your oven or ram them in your fridge in the midst of the Christmas Day business is more of a hindrance rather than help.

Saying that we don’t charge because we can afford it but I have been on the other side and can understand not being able to afford to host and I think offering cash is a great idea.

“FlyingMonkeys

£400 for a Christmas dinner?! How many people was that for? We cater for 7 and including; booze selection, cheese board, chocolates and decorations I think I paid 70 quid all in and thought it was steep.”

Im gobsmacked at this. My turkey is £65 alone. How can you buy booze with £70?!

Charging family is out of order in my book. Get them to bring a dish or booze is acceptable, in fact I would always take a few bottles of wine but generally if you're offering to host its on you.

That's another thing monty, travelling. These days my family do bring dishes, though I might give some money as well this year since my parents income has gone down. But we all live really close to each other, literally round the corner. So the logistics are easier. We also don't have turkey but do have a few different meats, so it lends itself better to splitting the more expensive stuff.

But I've often wondered how it works if people are travelling further, driving etc. I guess some things keep but most people would want food freshly done, wouldn't they? Particularly things like potatoes and veg. It seems like in that situation the host is going to bear a disproportionate cost burden unless people contribute money as well/instead.

Meh , these threads always vary so much by what is normal in people’s families. Christmas dinner is expensive. If I didn’t host then some of my family would be alone.
So, in our family me and my mum go halves on everything. This is because my sister has just been through a terrible divorce and is struggling to afford gifts for even her children. We will not be asking her to contribute anything. I had a quick tot up of what I expect to spend on Xmas day and it is about £10 a head. That’s us doing it cheap though. I can imagine another £7 each if there is more food and drink. I would never ask elderly relatives to cough up cash. They did their years of hosting. So has my mum in fairness but we can’t afford to pay all of it.

So no, I don’t think it is unreasonable for them to ask. You don’t need to go to theirs for dinner if it’s a problem.

Oh and we will spend about £160 all in for Christmas Day and Boxing Day for 8 people. We cut our list down massively over the years due to all the food waste and last year I made a note of what food was not eaten so we didn’t buy it again this year. A lot of leftovers will be saved for Boxing Day. Turkey curry etc.

I'd never dream of asking for a cash contribution but Christmas with all the trimmings is more expensive than a normal dinner party and I'd not blink if asked to contribute,

I'm not keen on 'in kind contributions', I feel that in hosting I've taken responsibility for it being to a high standard, and for that I prefer to be in control, and not reliant on other people bringing what they said they would. It's also true that it's easier to be organised if you have everything ready before you start, rather than key elements turning up a few hours before you need them - especially if looking for 10+.

That said, I'd like to be sufficiently laid-back to host a collaborative Christmas, I'm sure I'd be a happier person!

Good post, ChocolateWombat.

I think showing the Christmas shopping orders and receipts for a big family Christmas Day would be illuminating for some.

I think the poster who said it's down to how you see it paying for or contributing to had it right.

I did once charge for Christmas dinner. There were 12 guests and nobody else wanted to cook. I love cooking, as does DH, so we volunteered. Guests were asked to provide copious amounts of alcohol and a tenner each. With the cash provided we bought the meat, more expensive than we would have otherwise, and made a big show if it (beef rib).

Nobody complained, everyone knew where the money went and would never have bought or eaten that cut of meat otherwise.

It still cost us a bloody fortune! I suspect, as others have posted, that some people don't have the first idea what Christmas dinners, with all the excepted excesses, actually cost!

Oh! The Alcohol Scrooges!

MIL used to seat them at the far end of her filled to groaning Sunday lunch table and feed them their own wine and beer. At our end she would keep our glasses filled with the decent stuff. I never did work out where she hid the good bottles, but it was good hiding place, BIL never found them either!

Unless he wants to go and do the shopping for her I think it’s fair. I go shopping with my SIL and we spilt the cost and MIL bits turkey and other bits. We all pitch in prepping and cooking. As others have said it can be expensive and time consuming.

I'd expect family to contribute food/drink as we all know eachother and wouldn't have to ask

If I was inviting family I would never ask for a contribution but then again my family would bring food and contribute without being asked. It is expensive hosting though

I would not ask for my guests to pay for their Christmas dinner nor would I pay to have mine at a friends/relatives. If you agree to host a dinner then you know all of what it entiles, time, cost etc. Guests obviously would almost certainly bring a bottle/desert/box of chocolates as a thank you to the host. If you cannot afford the costs then don't invite guests or maybe ask them to bring a dish instead. I would ask for my guests to pay purely because my cooking is not restrauant quality!

I'd jump at the chance to pay ( or chip in, depending on your point of view) that amount for someone to cook Christmas dinner for me!

Good god, that’s ridiculous! In our family in years past, we each asked someone to contribute something - i.e. the meat or wine or the puddings and each year one or two of us went early to do veg prep. But never have we charged each other. The last year we did this (before we started losing loved ones) I prepped the veg and supplied the mince pies, wine for the lunch and sherry for afters, uncle and aunt provided all the meat, other uncle did all the mulled wine, mum & dad did the cheeses for the cheese board after, other attendees provided the Xmas pud, brandy butter & cake, mum did the salads for leftovers later and my man cooked it (with some of us being kitchen hands).

What's the difference?

Pay for the meat and bring it with them or give you some cash towards the meal, you buy it and you all get to eat well anyway? That is the semantics of 'contribute' versus 'pay for'!

Either way the host is sharing the cost of the meal!