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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I right to be really angry about this?

116 replies

6onTheHappyFarm · 22/11/2018 18:20

12 wks pregnant after a MMC in March. Have been waiting very apprehensively until the 12 wk scan which happened yesterday, and everything looks really good!

Went round to tell PIL who we get on with very well. They were very happy and asked when we were going to tell BIL and SIL. They have recently had a baby, so we didn't want to go barging in unannounced at 9pm at night, DH said he'd ring his brother and let him know later that night, but DH fell asleep on the sofa and it didn't happen.

This morning DH said he still hadn't told them so i sent a text to the family chat with the scan photo. They were really happy, lots of excited replied etc.

Then tonight I was using DHs phone and his mum had sent a message last night saying "I told BIL, I didn't want him finding out from anyone else." My DH has written back "okay, well they'll have to pretend that they don't know, 6onthehappyfarm will be raging".

I am raging.

Why did she have to tell them?

They were never going to find out through the grapevine in between 9.45 last night and 9am (when I "told them" this morning). Hardly anyone knows, and no one knows that would be in direct contact with them.

All the happy surprised replies this morning just seem so put on. I don't know why she had to do that.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 22/11/2018 20:12

So if Mil did that, she'll do more, like birth announcement on Facebook etc. Give her the heads up that you'll be doing that and she's not to share post birthpics etc now. I'd be asking why she did it, like you say, between the evening and the next morning, nobody else was gonna do it.

HollowTalk · 22/11/2018 20:13

I really hate it when people do this. It's part of the fun when you're having a baby to tell people your news. Your MIL has had her time when she had her children - now it's your turn.

I'd expect her to do the same when the baby's born, so perhaps be prepared for that.

Mickeysminnie2 · 22/11/2018 20:20

I get you OP, I would have been cross too.
Congratulations on your news and the positive scan. Wishing you all the best for the rest of the pregnancy and beyond!

Original poster
6onTheHappyFarm · 22/11/2018 20:30

Thank you Smile

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 22/11/2018 20:39

Congratulations! My scan isn't until 14th December and it seems so far off!

I would be annoyed too, but do go easy on OH, "apparently" we pregnant ladies are a bit temperamental, he will have just been trying to save you from being upset when his mum had already made the cock up.

TheBigBangRocks · 22/11/2018 20:56

Wouldn't bother me, my MIL told their side of the family and never occurred to me to be angry.

Having a baby is exciting for the parents but nobody else really cares. Grandparents maybe.

Life is too short to get so wound up over such things. It's going to be a long nine months for friends etc if you are this precious about being pregnant already.

Allthewaves · 22/11/2018 21:11

We told mil so she could spread the news to dh family 😆

Original poster
6onTheHappyFarm · 22/11/2018 21:38

That was your choice All we told MIL we wanted to tell them.

OP posts:
Jarline · 22/11/2018 21:49

I applaud all of the posters who are laid-back enough for it not to matter, but I'd be annoyed too.
After years of fertility struggles, I had a miscarriage in May, which was a terrible shock. Im now pregnant again - 21 weeks - but we have told hardly anyone, Im living in a state of constant anxiety and wanted to tell people when we were ready. At the weekend we saw DH's family and his brother casually mentioned that 'random aunts x, y, and z had heard and sent their best wishes'. Very kind, but how did they find out? Turned out my MIL thought I was being 'silly' for not wanting to tell anyone, so just went ahead and did anyway. She also said that if I prayed more Id have nothing to worry about. Thanks......

Anyways, its not the actual telling that I care about, its the blatant disregard for my wishes. Like you OP, not on.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 22/11/2018 21:52

Don't understand what you were doing going through your DP's phone. I find that really odd.

As for MIL telling BIL, it's annoying yes. Something lots of mums do (including mine) because they can't help themselves. Don't tell her about labour until after birth.

Original poster
6onTheHappyFarm · 22/11/2018 21:55

We are open with phones. He can look at mine anytime, and uses it if it's closer to him. I was looking at one of his friends reactions who I knew would be a bit gob-smacked and having a little laugh at it.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/11/2018 21:58

Congratulations on your pregnancy and scan OP. I understand your nerves after your MMC, I would let this go now though, it's not worth getting upset about imo.

Evilspiritgin · 22/11/2018 22:06

Obviously your dh wasn’t as bothered as you by her telling them,

It’s always surprised me that only the women seem to be allowed to decide when family are told

sonyaya · 22/11/2018 22:15

I agree mrsdesireecarthorse - of course people care when a member their immediate family is going to become a parent. Cannot understand people saying otherwise.

SpoonBlender · 22/11/2018 22:16

a lot of the things we get angry about day to day

God, is that normal? I get angry at things about once or twice a month.

Snowwontbelong · 22/11/2018 22:25

Sounds like a heads up for you. Now you know mil gets zero info because she won't keep it to herself.

ferntwist · 22/11/2018 22:29

They are happy about your pregnancy and were trying to spare your feelings. Enjoy your happy news!

Carpetglasssofa · 22/11/2018 22:51

Other people's bad parking
TV spoilers
Dropped wine.

No, OP. These are not things that cause most people to feel rage. Mild irritation or a slight sense of disappointment, possibly. Rage, not so much. I think the 'drama llama' label is negative and unhelpful, but I wonder if you do feel anger more frequently and intensely than the majority of people.

Carpetglasssofa · 22/11/2018 22:52

And 'raging' about the announcement.... It was a WhatsApp message. Its not like you'd taken the extended family to the top of the Empire State Building to inform them.

Cel982 · 22/11/2018 23:08

God, the "It's your happy event, not theirs" crowd are obnoxious Hmm Most normal people are happy and excited when a sibling announces a pregnancy. I can completely understand your annoyance, OP, and would be inclined to tell her.

Cobblersandhogwash · 22/11/2018 23:13

Your mil has a big gob.

Don't tell her anything of importance first ever again.

You live and learn.

Mickeysminnie2 · 22/11/2018 23:21

You know carpet if you were actually as zen as you are trying to make out, you probably wouldn't have responded to the Op because, 'each to their own', you know? Wink

Carpetglasssofa · 23/11/2018 13:56

OP specifically asked the question. I answered it.

RosieStarr · 23/11/2018 14:05

Honestly this would really annoy me too - this is exactly how my in laws would behave. You had your reasons, you made them clear, they weren’t respected. It’s not their news to tell.

HippoLatte · 23/11/2018 17:22

YANBU OP that's like bursting your balloon on you!!

However, just keep it in mind in future that MIL can't hold her water!

Congrats on the pregnancy and hope all goes well xx