Am I right to be really angry about this?

[6onTheHappyFarm]

12 wks pregnant after a MMC in March. Have been waiting very apprehensively until the 12 wk scan which happened yesterday, and everything looks really good!

Went round to tell PIL who we get on with very well. They were very happy and asked when we were going to tell BIL and SIL. They have recently had a baby, so we didn't want to go barging in unannounced at 9pm at night, DH said he'd ring his brother and let him know later that night, but DH fell asleep on the sofa and it didn't happen.

This morning DH said he still hadn't told them so i sent a text to the family chat with the scan photo. They were really happy, lots of excited replied etc.

Then tonight I was using DHs phone and his mum had sent a message last night saying "I told BIL, I didn't want him finding out from anyone else." My DH has written back "okay, well they'll have to pretend that they don't know, 6onthehappyfarm will be raging".

I am raging.

Why did she have to tell them?

They were never going to find out through the grapevine in between 9.45 last night and 9am (when I "told them" this morning). Hardly anyone knows, and no one knows that would be in direct contact with them.

All the happy surprised replies this morning just seem so put on. I don't know why she had to do that.

AIBU?

Don't worry I will get past it, I'm not "dying on a hill". I only found out about half an hour ago and was raging and posted the OP. I am still angry, but I don't think I'll need therapy or anything to move through it .

I get it. You are righteously not BU. I did this very thing, arse that I am, and I don’t think they’ve ever forgiven me. It’s been 15 years...

Well at least DH let her know you'd be angry so at least she'll know she's crossed a line with you and might curtail her interfering busybodyness in future. But watch out with any labour/birth announcement some people can't help themselves and she might do same again. I would try tell them all simultaneously or tell Bil and Sil first and let them tell her - but lm a vengeful bugger as that would piss her off.

It wasn't her news to tell! I'd be pretty pissed off actually as it does take the shine off the announcement.

Keep your cards close to your chest from now on...she obviously won't keep a confidence. And for the love of God don't talk to her about baby names!

And yes, I'd have a conversation with DH about not keeping secrets and being part of something that backfires. She blabbed, he should have told you.

I had words with DH. Bahhh your post made me smile, I have a bit of a vengeful steak in me too.

She really is a nice women, I know she didn't mean harm. I just felt a fool making the announcement this morning to people who already knew, and was disappointed.

I wouldn't be annoyed. I have far worse things to be annoyed about.

I can understand the embarrassment at announcing news they already knew. That's why I would struggle with the thought of DH colluding with them all. That's a right kick in the teeth.

This will not matter in a year's time
No need to rage over it

Also, you're pregnant. Rage as much as you like, irrational or not, hormones are no joke.

Yes that's it, It's embarrassing.

I have agreed it won't matter in a year, but surely people feel rage over lots of day to day things that don't have any long-term impact? Someone parking badly so you can't get a space? Someone revealing a spoiler to a tv series you're really into? Going out of your way to pick up a bottle of wine after a hard day at work only for it to drop out of the car when you open the door and smash on the ground (happened to me). Raging. But yes, not life changing. I was similarly raging. Not distraught or inconsolable or emotionally broken. Just raging.

My MIL did the same thing. Even worse BIL and SIL had been trying for 3 years and had just completed an unsuccessful IVF cycle. We wanted to be so careful about how we told them.

The only saving grace was that by chance they got pregnant a month later so it was eventually forgotten.

I'd start calling your mil 'the grapevine' - saying that she didn't want them to find out on the grapevine when she was the only other person that knew (and FIL) means that makes her the grapevine.

Definitely worth mentioning it, even quietly, just to ask her why she told BIL when you had explicitly asked her not to, and when she knew that there was nobody else that knew who would be telling them - then do the sad voice with 'I'm so disappointed - I really thought you were better than that but turns out I was wrong and you couldn't wait to spoil our news. well I'll know for next time not to say anything.' I've found it really shocks people when they are expecting somebody to blow a gasket at them because then they can turn around and blame it all on you getting things out of proportion. Whereas if you turn it all on them and you being disappointed in them due to their shoddy behaviour - they don't know how to react...

I'd start calling your mil 'the grapevine'

Brilliant!

'Really angry' and 'raging' does make it sound as if they had done something incredibly serious. I find it a bit interesting that you say you have a vengeful streak and that your dh anticipated your anger. Is this typical of you?

I'm in the 'this really doesn't matter' camp. It seems like a lot of drama over nothing, tbh. But it's possible you're releasing the pent-up anxiety of the last few weeks into this. In which case, rage all you like inwardly, but don't impact your relationship with your ILs over it.

Your MIL was out of order but I’d probably have to let that one go. I would tell her it upset me though and I’d expect an apology.

I’d not let DH keeping a secret against me go. Would feel betrayed tbh.

I guess the question is why your husband thinks you'd have been raging and they all carried out this charade becayse they agreed. And now this, you are raging, so I don't know, I'd question why everyone in your family thinks you're a drama llama, inc your own husband?

I think for me that would be my main concern. Especially since you're sure you're not, so why does your husband and his family think you are?

The vengeful streak was tongue in cheek. I don't actually spend my days plotting revenge against MILs and all who cross me.
DH just knew I was excited about BIL finding out. I kept asking DH if he'd told them yet because I was eager to hear about his reaction. So he knew I was excited about that bit. Like I said they had a baby before the summer and I thought they'd be over the moon at the idea of cousins close in age. My knee-jerk reaction was 100% to be very angry. I felt I'd been made a fool of. I'm not really angry now, more peeved at DH. I don't feel immediate anger followed by mellowing into being a bit peeved off is cause for concern really.

He knew I'd be annoyed about this particular thing so told his mum to pretend it hadn't happened. His family (i assume) thought it was within the realms of possibility that I had wanted them to hear from us and not MIL and so agreed not to say anything (again I assume).

Or maybe there was a candle-lit meeting declaring me a drama llama.

Who knows? I wasn't there.

Haha, drama llama 🦙

I'd be really annoyed, that MIL spoiled your surprise and moment of sharing happy news, then that although BIL was put in a very difficult position, the fakery of the feigned surprise. Then your DH (also between a rock and a hard place) colluding in it. I would be raging at all of that because it's all so unnecessary and MIL should have absolutely kept her beak out.

So your MIL really has pulled a stunt, however she was not being malicious, just overexcited I guess, so I'd let myself feel very annoyed behind the scenes, let it out here and with your friends/family and then focus on your very happy news. Congratulations!!!

I'm with you OP - I was mad when both sets of parents did this to us. I was disappointed I didn't get to tell everyone myself. When I gave birth DH posted it on social media straight after telling both sets of parents. I later got from my DP we were out of order posting on fb because it meant they didn't get to tell everyone!!

I doubt any of them really cared when they find out. It's your special event, not theirs

That's such total bullshit. That's right up there with the Mumsnet position that all weddings are shite and boring and nobody gives a fuck.

In many, many families, people are thrilled and happy when events like this happen. It's far more likely that BIL was unimpressed at his mum's blabbing. He clearly sees this as special, given he posted back trying not to show that he already knew.

I get your anger, 6ontheHill
It was your news not MILs, and totally get how you wanted to be the one to break it to feel the immediate reaction. MIL deprived you of that moment. Live and learn, OP, live and learn.
Sure, it's not hugely important, but it just shows her disregard for social etiquette, but thankfully BIL knows the rules of feigning ignorance when you have had a secret broken inappropriately.
Forgive but don't forget, would be my suggestion.
Oh, and congratulations! Wonderful news for you!

Bluntness The "raging" bit is only what DH said to his MIL about OP because he was probably raging as well but realised to reply that to MIL would start making a big upset over it. So he said "OP would be raging" but that's diplomatic code for "Mum, you were bang out of order but I can't say that directly to you".

Awk do you know for the guys being a bit mean it's been a rough 12 wks. After the missed miscarriage at 11 wks pregnant in March I was really, really nervous about the 12 wk scan. It went well and I was excited to tell people about it. It was a big deal to me to get some news and to to able to share that good news after the bad start to the year.

I admitted (twice now) my knee-jerk reaction was strong, but I calmed down and I have it in perspective.