To wonder if we’re doing the wrong thing by having 1 year old in nursery?

[ethelfleda]

I keep googling and reading differing opinions. Are nursery environments damaging to young children? I know MN are great at finding studies and research on this kind of thing!

Basically, DS started nursery recently - just two days a week. One day is a long day (8.30 to 5.15) and the second day is 8.30 until about half 2. We have been able to keep it down to 2 days as I’ve returned back after a year mat leave and accrued enough holiday to use 3 days a week.

Originally, the plan was for me to return full time next year. We’ve decided this will be too much for DS who will only be 15 months by then so we are negotiating reduced hours with work so we can both (DH and I) work from home one day each, and I can finish early the other days so I can pick him up by 4pm

But I’m worried this will still be too much. I keep reading about causes of mental health problems in later life and I’m terrified! And I hate leaving him!

Our only other option would be to remortgage the house and pay off debt to have more disposable income each month and we could just about afford for me to quit work completely. But I don’t think I want to be a full time SAHP - I don’t think it will do me any good... but is that selfish??

I’m looking for actual solid opinions on this - the good and bad.

Just a thought but how about a childminder instead? Quieter environment, more personal. Either way you lo will be fine I'm sure.

Just to be clear you're not planning on having him at home while 'working from home' are you?
If you are that idea needs to be dropped now its not fair on your employers and it makes it harder for those who don't want to take the piss to be allowed to WFH.

My DD started Nursery at 14 months old, 3 days a week. She does 8am-5pm.

She loves it and always has. She's had the same keyworker all the way through until she left a few weeks ago. And she's always been happy but also happy to see me again at the end of the day.

I don't regret it at all. A good Nursery like DDs will listen to your concerns and reassure you. She's 3 now and starts school next year and I am dreading her having to leave as she loves it so much that I think she'll miss it.

Dd is 12 months and loves nursery. She beams when she realises we're there, holds her arms out for cuddles with all the girls working in her room, not just her care working and is making huge leaps in her development. Couldn't be happier.

Bless you op. I was the same when leaving my 1 year old for 3 full days a week. Ideally I'd have left it until 18 months or so because I think that's when he really began to benefit. The baby room was a bit chaotic even in a lovely nursery but I would rush back from work to get him and he'd have been asleep for quite a lot of the day!

He's now 4, is bright, articulate, well-behaved except for normal threenager behaviour. If it's the right nursery he'll be fine.

I always thought I'd take him out of childcare or do fewer days if I could - but I've given up work (I'm also on mat leave so have a baby to look after) and he gets so much out of it he still does 3 days 9-3

I work from home with a nursery-age child. It's not 'taking the piss', depending on how you do it. I'm my own boss so there's no-one to report to, but it works fine for us, depending on the child and the job.

Just to be clear you're not planning on having him at home while 'working from home' are you?

Yes I am... but my boss knows this and is happy for me to do it. Not sure how that is relevant to my question? I’m doing it so DS can be at home...

I can work while his Dad has him in the morning, during his naps, when his gran comes over in the afternoon and when he has gone to bed.

Besides, I really don’t care right now about what’s fair on my employers. I care about what’s fair for my son.

It is early days and will take you all time to get used to it. Your attitude to it will have a big bearing. Mine went 3 long days. I viewed it positively, she did things I would never have done, loved the food and ate stuff she wouldn't eat for me, made friends, caught illnesses which meant she was bombproof by reception age, no time off school.
She is 12 now and we still laugh about some of the things they did at nursery.
I'd focus on the positives of him being there.

You can’t wfh and parent a baby/ toddler at the same time, work would consider it a disciplinary issue.

DC1 attended nursery ( in outer London, which was a factor - staff turnover can be very, very high in and around London) 3 long days a week from age 1-3: three different nurseries (for various reasons, not under our control). Got sick a lot. Quality of care was poor in two of them. It’s my biggest parenting regret to date, many years on.

IMO a childminder is a much better option for DC of that age.

You should care about your employer’s interests if you care about your income. Unless it’s a small firm and your boss is senior it’s highly likely that their decision will at some point be challenged and changed at short notice.

You'll find many on here think it's a no no to work from home with a child around. I think it very much depends on the job. Yes if you need to be "present" from 9-5 it could be tricky but if you have a job that you can just get on with as it suits, then yes it is doable. I work from home without kids, but I will do my housework, maybe take an hour out and read for a while that kind of thing. As long as my work is done there aren't any restrictions on when it's done.

My bil had their dd in full time nursery 7.30- 6, from 14 weeks old, shes now almost 10 years old. She's absolutely fine and as normal as any other child her age.

My son started at 9 months and he does 2 says a week 8.30am - 5pm. He's now nearly 4 and has thrived. he's bright, articulate and has a great circle of friends. As an only child I like him interacting with others . Please don't worry OP. Your DD will be fine.

My boys are now almost grown up and I went back to work full time at 6 months and 4 months and have used a variety of childminders and nurseries. My sons are confident and articulate.

I see a relative who has a child who she just wont let go of, the Mum decided to be a SAHM - she is the centre of her universe and the child is a spoilt brat (sorry she is!).

It will be fine and the PP stating about being bomb proof having mixed with lots of other kids is 100% correct

You can’t wfh and parent a baby/ toddler at the same time, work would consider it a disciplinary issue

It’s weird that people are focussing on this when this is not the point of the thread.

I’ve been told it’s ok by both MDs of our UK offices and here was already a precedent set by another woman returning after mat leave who did just what I am doing.

And yes, I don’t need to be present 9-5 to do the tasks I’ve been set. They just need to be ‘measurable’ which they are.

Just do what works for you, your family and your employer. FWIW DS has been in full time childcare since he was 6mo (cm, nursery and preschool) and is absolutely fine, as am I. I didn’t want to be a SAHM so I didn’t. My employers absolutely do not allow us to wfh whilst doing childcare though.

If it’s any help, mine went to nursery full time at 4months. Both are well adjusted, pretty high achieving, wonderful young adults.

I had a few wobbly moments about whether it was a good thing to do but needs must. It was a good nursery, I liked my job and they were crucial career/professional years that we all have reaped the benefits from over time.

Op, trust me, it is completely, totally fine.

Stay at work.

People are focussing on that element because either they've had a 'colleague' do fuck all while 'working' from home leaving them with the work or have been refused WFH because their employers don't believe they'd actually be working because of people like you.
Even if your company are idiotic enough to allow it I can't see that they'll be 2 companies stupid enough so your DH is almost certain to be denied.

I font think it makes a huge difference. Of the people I know who started nursery/childcare of some sort at an early age the incidence of mental health problems seems the same as the people who didn’t. If anything I would say that the vast majority of mental health problems I have seen are either attributable to parents screwing children up or personality flaws. I can’t think of anyone who has noticoblu suffered mental health problems as a result of childcare.

Oh wait, I thought of one. I have a friend who has suffered bad anxiety since childhood who was put into the care ofareally dodgy child minder. That definitely had an impact (although I wouldn’t say it was the exclusive cause of her problems).

My eldest DD went to a nursery at 6 months whilst I went back to work 4 days per week and OH worked 4 days per week as well. She seems to have turned out fine. Now 16 and a typical teenager

I had the same worries as you and had DS in for two days since 9mo. We're now in a position where we could actually drop it altogether but he loves it so much we're keeping it on one day per week.

DS has always been quite sociable and doesn't have separation anxiety so it works well for him. I like knowing that he is getting plenty of interaction with other children and adults, especially when i can't manage to get him to playgroups etc. some weeks.

None of us know what OP does.

I could wfh with a baby - that’s the nature of it.