To wonder if we’re doing the wrong thing by having 1 year old in nursery?

[ethelfleda]

I keep googling and reading differing opinions. Are nursery environments damaging to young children? I know MN are great at finding studies and research on this kind of thing!

Basically, DS started nursery recently - just two days a week. One day is a long day (8.30 to 5.15) and the second day is 8.30 until about half 2. We have been able to keep it down to 2 days as I’ve returned back after a year mat leave and accrued enough holiday to use 3 days a week.

Originally, the plan was for me to return full time next year. We’ve decided this will be too much for DS who will only be 15 months by then so we are negotiating reduced hours with work so we can both (DH and I) work from home one day each, and I can finish early the other days so I can pick him up by 4pm

But I’m worried this will still be too much. I keep reading about causes of mental health problems in later life and I’m terrified! And I hate leaving him!

Our only other option would be to remortgage the house and pay off debt to have more disposable income each month and we could just about afford for me to quit work completely. But I don’t think I want to be a full time SAHP - I don’t think it will do me any good... but is that selfish??

I’m looking for actual solid opinions on this - the good and bad.

When your HR dept find out you plan to wfh and be the carer of a young child they will have something to say.
If something happens to your child while you are wfh they could end up with a court case on their hands. You saying but I was busy working doing what my boss was demanding when little Jonny climbed up on the kitchen counter and fell off bashing his head on the way down. It’s a big no no in any decent sized company. Quite frankly it’s crazy that you think this may work. Or actually that you have an easy going 9 month old. Wait til you have a crazy going everywhere 18 month old.

I think what the OP is saying in terms of wfh is that she wouldnt actually be working AND doing childcare at the same time. It sounds like her role is flexible enough that she would be able to stop working to look after child when necessary and then carry on working later on. So assuming she has an 8 hour day it might be she starts earlier in the morning and carries on later into the night- therefore allowing some time off in the middle for looking after child. (Also sounds like she would be getting some other help e.g her mum taking child for a few hours etc). Not sure what the issue with this is so long as is compatible with her role and employer is happy - which they are

Personally I believe a home environment is better for very young children - so childminder, nanny or nanny-share at this age, until about 2 or 3.

I think it's hard putting a baby in nursery. They get ill and knackered and you feel like crying if they cry at drop off. And if you have a shit day at work you feel like 'I've left my child in the care of someone else for this...!?!'

But soon enough they're 2 and can tell you if they've had a good or a bad day and seem to get a lot more out of it, and you're really glad you don't have to try and think of new ways of entertaining a toddler when it's dark and raining and it all falls into place.

That was my experience anyway

They're not even in full time though?. The last couple of studies I read said that they get stressed if they're in more than 8 hours a day or 35 hours a week but below that they were fine (taking samples of stress hormone in saliva throughout the day) until the age of 18 - 24 months then they coped a lot better.

My eldest is 14. She still talks about her nursery memories and occasionally asks if we can drive past it!
If you can find a good nursery then it will bring many positives to your family life. We adored ours. DD was full time from 9 months and thrived. She’s a top student, highly social, well rounded human being.
There’s no way I could have coped with being a SAHP, our nursery saved my sanity and my career and gave my DD a wonderful start in life.

My DD coming up 10 months has been with a childminder since 4 months old, initially 3 days a week but now full time, she absolutely loves it, there's 6 children there she gets all the attention and stimulation she needs and her dad and I get a double income and our own adult interaction, every week, its brilliant in fact DH has been looking into pre schools for her and I just want her to stay with the childminder as she is just so happy there

Both mine were in nursery for 2 days a week 8-4 from 14 months. They both thrived and loved it, which was a relief as I had no choice in the matter - I had to go back to work. I don't know what the studies say but my personal, anecdotal experience fwiw is that my girls are both happy, confident and sociable. They may have ended up like this either way of course but I feel it helped. My eldest was also Incredible confident and happy starting school.

I’d be worried that they let you wfh while caring for a child at home so easily. It suggests, to me, that they may already be eyeing your work a bit dimissively. Even flexible environments where people are near-permanently based from home don’t allow this. Did you discuss this type of arrangement with the other woman also ‘allowed’ to do this before you began? How is her engagement with managers? How is her workload and promotion opportunities in comparison to those who come into the office?

You can't really WFH and look after a child. Very surprised your employer has agreed to that ......
However, anecdotally my DS goes to nursery full time and THRIVES. He absolutely loves it and it's definitely the best thing for him. I work from home and I use this to drop off later or collect earlier. It works well for us.

In terms of research - the studies around nursery causing stress and the release of cortisol must be taken in context. Some evidence suggests the raised levels are due to to stimulation not stress. There are also no studies on the affect of cortisol on young children- just adults.
The quality of the childcare provider is key - high quality has significant benefits.

I think the OP is looking for studies not the anecdotal "it'll be fine because I did it." The quality and consistency of the care matters hugely. As far as I'm aware there are no studies showing any benefit to children under 2 and it's dubious between 2-3.

The key question is how is he at nursery? My DS hated it so I removed him, reduced my hours and got an amazing childminder

My sons peers love. The summary of the research is that primary attachment figures are best but research is just research. You have to look at what's best for your child. I really do know some kids thriving in nursery. It just wouldn't have been right for us

This is a pretty balanced view of the evidence

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/oct/02/nurseries-childcare-pre-school-cortisol

As far as I'm aware there are no studies showing any benefit to children under 2 and it's dubious between 2-3.

Only in children from deprived or abused/neglected backgrounds - then nursery has benificial effects.

I’m a SAHM out of choice because I believe it’s the best start I could offer my DC. I would always choose family/a nanny/a child minder over a nursery for under 3s based on what I’ve read about child development and attachment

Mine went 2-3 days a week from 11 months and he really did love it. He’s 16 now and has no memories of it at all, really odd

Good luck working without childcare. I think trying to work around your child, even if it’s in breaks is going to be both hard and exhausting. Even now, when my youngest is 9 I find it hard to work when they are at home as there’s so much stopping and starting. I would have huge concerns if any of my staff told me that they wanted to work permanently with a baby or young child at home, even if it’s flexible. Obviously, older children during the holidays or sickness is a totally different matter.

OP babies have a tendency to have not read the book and trying to fit in bits of work here and there and counting on being able to work during naps times and then finding they don’t want a nap just as you take a call etc etc is going to be extremely stressful

I have been a nursery manager and your little one will be fine. Children adapt however i think a lot of it depends on the child too. My nursery was outstanding and the staff were fabulous. However it was not the right setting for my third child as he did not settle even after a long time. I changed his care and he went to a childminder and settled
Immediately. My other child went full time to nursery and loved it from day one. I have seen children who have been at nursery for a couple of years and struggle yet others love it and thrive.

Dc don't know much difference, it will be usual for them but they may not settle.

Personally I wouldn't beat myself up about those hours and I'm not fond of nursery at all.
A day and a bit is neither here nor there. He's at home Mostly..
It's small babies being in all day that's a bit sad. I know it's not an option for many people.

Asbo as with everything it depends on the nanny, childminder... Etc.

I've met some childminder who are wondeful and some whose views and personality types I just wouldn't went one on one with my dc.

Correlation does not equal causation. I don't think worrying parents about whether or not a nursery environment will mean DC will be messed up later in life helps anyone. We all do what is best for our families to get by.

For us, that was me going back to work full time at 2.5years after a year of studying. Which was great. We had gp on call to cover the 2 days DD wasn't in nursery. Until my mum got sick and I suddenly had to drop to part-time.

Do what works for you.

Nursery may help him develop quicker as he'll be around older children all day and want to push himself to be like them. He'll also learn social behaviours sooner.
A lot of one year olds struggle to settle into a nursery life anyway as they're very much aware of who mum is but don't realise mum will come back soon for a while, and by only doing two days (and not the same hours on both days) they aren't going to know there's a more regular set routine and will be disrupted as well as upset. (I hope I've articulated that well enough?!)

Just one thing about your comment that when he is at home with you”he can sleep properly if he needs it”- nurseries are REALLY good at getting children to nap! My DS regularly sleeps for over an hour on a mat on the floor ( with pillow and blankets) at nursery whereas at home he has never reliably napped in his own bed and has either had to be walked about in the pram or put in the car. They do also get a lot more high maintenance at home the more toddlerish they get.

Seriously? Nursery damaging a child’s mental health sorry but you’re being very precious, it’s not like you’re facing 5 days of full time care. Your child will be fine and probably have more fun with more variety in terms of people and environment.

Having a parent wrapping you in cotton wool and not letting you have the social and independent experiences you need to develop probably has more of a negative effect.

As long as you pick quality care (nursery or childminder) your child will flourish in early years education.

My girls have both been in nursery three long days per week since 9 months. They adore it. It’s a fab place and I can’t rate it highly enough. The girls are so kind and caring and really go above and beyond for the kids.

On the other hand, no way would I use one of the notorious childminder cohort that haunt the local soft plays around here. Not if I wanted my child adequately supervised, anyway.

He’ll be totally fine OP.

BUt, be aware that just like grown ups, some kids prefer quieter environments and are more introverted.

Personally I disagree with your assessment of WFH while looking after a toddler but obvs you don’t want comments on that.

no way would I use one of the notorious childminder cohort that haunt the local soft plays around here.

Nor would I from the sound of it.
DD goes to a wonderful childminder with an Ofsted outstanding rating. There are daily outings and creative play and she mixes with 2 children of similar age and a baby. We get a weekly report with photos.

It depends on the nursery. My daughter has done 3 8-6 days a week since she turned 1 and loves it. There is very low turnover of staff and the activities and location are fabulous. There are nurseries I wouldn’t want to leave a child at all. Plenty of children do nursery from 1 and get a lot out of it. If you are projecting anxiety about it I think it makes it harder for them.

I know it’s not the point of the thread but working at home with a toddler isn’t feasible if you want to retain any sort of professional standard unless you have a lot of help from others at home (in which case you might as well be at work) and have a brilliant napper. I’ve done it a few times when my child has been poorly/snow days and it really is impossible to get a full day of work done even with CBeebies and naps. Once they can speak and start saying play with me mummy, I need you mummy etc you feel like the world’s worst parent while you try and ignore them to send an email. If I have to get work done on my non-working days- I get up at 5 and do 2 hours, I then might get another 1h30 some during nap times. That is about the most that has been possible without compromising the attention I can give my daughter.