To wonder if we’re doing the wrong thing by having 1 year old in nursery?

[ethelfleda]

I keep googling and reading differing opinions. Are nursery environments damaging to young children? I know MN are great at finding studies and research on this kind of thing!

Basically, DS started nursery recently - just two days a week. One day is a long day (8.30 to 5.15) and the second day is 8.30 until about half 2. We have been able to keep it down to 2 days as I’ve returned back after a year mat leave and accrued enough holiday to use 3 days a week.

Originally, the plan was for me to return full time next year. We’ve decided this will be too much for DS who will only be 15 months by then so we are negotiating reduced hours with work so we can both (DH and I) work from home one day each, and I can finish early the other days so I can pick him up by 4pm

But I’m worried this will still be too much. I keep reading about causes of mental health problems in later life and I’m terrified! And I hate leaving him!

Our only other option would be to remortgage the house and pay off debt to have more disposable income each month and we could just about afford for me to quit work completely. But I don’t think I want to be a full time SAHP - I don’t think it will do me any good... but is that selfish??

I’m looking for actual solid opinions on this - the good and bad.

My DS went to full time nursery 3 days a week from around his first birthday. He is very happy there, thriving, gets to spend time with other children in a way he would not if just with me and has all their facilities and as much messy and creative play as he wants. I am very happy indeed with our decision

Put down the research and try to think of it in terms of what's right for your child. Does he seem like an extrovert who would thrive with lots of other kids or an introvert who might prefer a quieter setting?

I felt similar about putting my one year old in nursery OPand the first couple of weeks were horrible as he’d cry and cling to me when I dropped him off. However we’re now 4 months in and he loves it! He smiles when we arrive and every time I pick him up he is happily playing. The staff are all lovely - visit a few nurseries to find one you’re comfortable with. I also think for my DS it’s really helping his development.

And if you don’t feel like he’s thriving/happy there you can always take him out and think about other options.

My DD went part time (2 morning) a week from 9 months. DH collected her at lunchtime, played with her for an hour, then she slept for about 2/3 hours while he worked at home, the new she usually was awake by the time I got home from work. The rest of the week she was cared for by me or my Mum.
It was a great nursery and it was good for us as a family, I needed to go back to work. DD would probably preferred to have been at home, but that wasn't an option.
Check out nurseries and other childcare options in your area be content your baby is somewhere where they will be looked after well - you can change your plans as you go along if you need to.
My DD is absolutely fine although I do hear the odd story about how awful she was from a friends child who was there at the same time - apparently DD wasn't good at sharing and would throw sand at the other kids so she could play at the sand table by herself

I had both DC in nursery early (3 days), one from four months, one from five months. Absolutely no problem whatsoever. They are now 16 and 13 and high achieving independant teens who went off to school without a care. My pension looks great and I maintained my skills and my sanity. We had zero family help, nursery was the only break I ever got so was keen to get back to work and have no regrets.

DD started nursery at 9 months old. 5 days a week 8am-5:30

This dropped to three days a week when she was 2.5years old but similar hours.

She's 6.5 now and thrived at nursery. It's an environment geared up for kids to be in afterall. She got to do the stuff I was never keen on so did reluctantly at home or stuff I would never have thought of. Things like super Messy play, making playdoh, sing songs etc. She is confident, outgoing, makes friends easily and by the time she left was an independent little sole and more than 'school ready'. I'm so so glad she went.

The downside. The main one for us was the expense. Especially when she missed a month due to severe illness and was hospitalised but, you are paying for their place as much as anything.

Yes I am... but my boss knows this and is happy for me to do it. Not sure how that is relevant to my question? I’m doing it so DS can be at home...

I know this wasn't the point of your post but I don't understand why you think this would be a better option than putting your child in a nursery, where staff are dedicating time to him all day? If you had him at home with you you'd do both jobs half as well as you could which isn't fair on him or your work colleagues. Looking after a child is a full time job!

It's about ratios of staff to children, not even continuity of staff which becomes important later. Babies need one to one and many nurseries only provide mixed age group care, or a baby room with too many babies for one or two workers. Obvs minders also have more than one child, as you might at home, it's about being able to respond and give attention. Look at ofsted report but use your intuition and discuss with nursery workers and manager. A good nursery is better than a poor minder, and vice versa.

I could never work from home with my toddler she is too demanding. She loves nursery and it gets them ready for school. You're over thinking OP, just make sure the nursery is the right one that you both like and is a nice place and you'll not worry when you leave him there. Only you can make this decision but honestly he'll be fine. Mental health issues do not stem from a child going to nursery.

Dd went to nursery when she was 7 months old, full time (730-5) most days.

I hated it and spent a good few weeks questioning my life choice.

I now realise it was the best thing for her. At 2.5 years she is thriving, and today i spent 10 minutes chasing her round the room as she didn't want to come home.

Ds has been full time with a childminder from 9 months and he bloody loves it. He’s home with me in school holidays, I’m a teacher, but otherwise he’s there from half 7 till between 4/5. He’s happy, chatty, playful, developed just fine and waves bye to me every morning and comes to the car every evening.

He’s so happy and so am I.

and I could not work from home if he was with me. I cannot get anything done at all!! Even now when he amuses himself the second I get anything out he’s all over it!

I felt like this but put DD in 2 days a week at 11 months old.

She absolutely loves it! She’s nearly 3 now, and it’s brought her on so much. She’s made friends and is very socialised, good manners etc. Nursery taught her things waaaaay before I’d even think of doing it, using a knife and fork, putting own coat on etc. She’s known her colours, shapes, numbers for ages now, and has just cracked the alaphaber. She can recognise her name, and is close to being able to write it (in a shit way 😂) - I’ve taught her almost none of this, it’s all nursery, thank god for them!

In contrast, my cousins DS is the same age, she didn’t send him to nursery as they couldn’t afford it. The difference is marked, hes only just learning hiscolours, is very timid and shy around other children, his speech isn’t great and he just seems behind. It’s sad, because I think nursery would have done him the world of good, but they just couldn’t afford it. It feels like part of the reason why poorer children don’t do as well, and why disadvantaged children get early free nursery

Don’t worry -at a good nursery he’ll be fine!

I go back to work in January when my.little boy will be 10 months. He's going to nursery 7:45am till 5:15 4 days a week. I'm sad to have to leave him but I know he'll be OK and it's good for him to be around other kids and nursery will help his development. I'm financially not able to cut my hours down.

The answer is you will never know.

Dd1 was 3 when she went to nursery. Dd2 And 3 were 1. The only one with any mental health issues is dd1. I doubt it is related. They all did fine and the only real issue was mine. But I had to do full time. Sounds like you have a good balance. Good luck

My friend is a child psychologist and when I asked her about the big childcare debate, she said that it's not a black and white issue, nursery is not always the evil damaging thing that some Mumsnetters make it out to be, and a child's wellbeing and development depend on several factors, one of which is the well-being if its parents of course, so if you are happier working that will be beneficial to your child, provided they are in a suitable childcare setting. Even if the childcare hierarchy goes something like parent, grandparent, nanny, childminder, nursery, the fact is that a good nursery will be better for the child than a bad nanny, etc.

My son has been going to nursery 2 days a week since he was 9 months old and he really enjoys it. If he was in childcare for 4-5 days a week, I would probably have looked at childminders rather than nursery. However, we are very happy with the nursery and we'll increase his days there as he gets older (he's 20 months now and we occasionally put him in nursery for an extra short day).

My eldest was in nursery full time 8-6 everyday from 7months - hes now in his final year of primary school so we can have some perspective. We have never had any problems with him, he gets excellent reports both academically and in social terms. He's well adjusted a bit of a cheeky sod like his dad but that tends to stay at home and we hear nothing but good reports from school, scouts, football and swimming coaches and his friends parents. He flourished at nursery and made some lovely friends, this progressed to school where he was good at making friends and settled in great even though we moved to a completely different area between reception and year one so had to do it again. Basically it did no harm to him, his mental health, his relationship with his parents or anything else, in fact I would say it was a positive experience. This is good because his little brother is now at nursery and also getting on well. He started at 1yr (different job circumstances) and only goes 3 days a week, he's found it harder to settle in but I think that's because he gets less time there but he loves it and this evening on the way home was telling me all about his friends and what they've been doing today.
If you want more perspective my brother was in full time nursery from 1yr til school he's now 29... and even though as my brother I hate to say it a pretty nice balanced guy (shh don't tell him I said that)
Find the right place and your child will be fine. It's normal to worry.

Thank you for your replies

And thank you @rhianon for bringing that up in a more respectful way than previous posters.

The nature of the work I do means that I can make up my hours in the morning (while DH has him for breakfast) whilst he is napping and after he has gone to bed. I won’t be ignoring him while he is awake iyswim. My mother can come over for a couple of hours in the afternoon to be with him also - that way, he gets to stay at home, mummy is nearby and he can sleep properly when he needs it.

I have agreed with my boss to keep reviewing this every 3 months and if it’s not working for either party, we will discuss alternatives.

Other responses have really put my mind at rest so thank you.

I read up in this when I went back after DC1. The gist as I remember of what I learned was that it depends on the quality of the nursery - what is important is the child has a primary caregiver they have a close bond with, i.e. a good key worker, low nursery staff turnover. Also the damaging effects of being less emotionally developed and more aggressive were more prevalent in boys (I have two boys...!) There was an article that said that after a certain age there were no differences emotionally between kids who had gone to nursery or stayed at home. Unfortunately I no longer have links to any of them!

Both our kids went to nursery around 1 and loved it. If you are happy with the nursery and find time to engage with your DC emotionally I really think there is nothing to worry about!

You're not going to find anyone who agrees on what is right. I'm going back 4 days a week and DD will be in nursery 7.15-4.45 on 3 days and 7.45-4.15 on the one day I work from home (she'll still need to be nursery for the WFH day).

Lots will say it's far too much - you included, but it's what has to happen for our family. You will find children who went to full time nursery who absolute thrive and those who struggle, just as you will the same with those children who had a SAHP.

Nursery was great for my DS. He’s really sociable but has no siblings. He had 3 days a week at nursery for 7 hrs or so and a quiet homelife the rest of the time with 1:1 or even 2:1 attention from dh and I.

I'm about to put my 7 month old in nursery 2 full days a week 🙄

Both mine were in daycare full time as of 9 months. Didn't have much option really, had to go back to work.

This gets screamed at by some posters on MN, but I think it addresses your question
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/oct/02/nurseries-childcare-pre-school-cortisol

Before 3 children are learning to how form relationships through their attachment with their primary carer. They will play alongside other children, but not with them.
After 3 they're able to use their knowledge of how relationships work to play and interact with other children. Personally a good or outstanding ofsted rated childminder is better I think. After 3, nursery though perhaps not full-time.

My DS went to nursery from 12 months 3 days a week 7am - 6pm. He's always been totally fine with it and he has honestly come on leaps and bounds. They do so many activities with him that I wouldn't do at home and it gives him a chance to acclimatise to being around other adults and children without mum or dad. If I had the option to stay home I think I'd still choose for DS to go to nursery but with shorter days as he loves it so much.

I WFH on Thursday and that day DS goes to PILs house for the day. He often tells me he'd rather be at nursery!

On the other issue PP picked up on re WFH and having your child there I have to agree that I don't agree with this. I know you say your DH and mum will look after him but without formal plans for this (eg formal arrangement that mum comes round at X until Y so you can do work) i don't think this will work. Also this doesn't factor in that Dc will likely wander in to see you wherever you're working in the house and if they know you're home they'll keep trying to get your attention as they don't understand you're working. I speak from experience- I tried PiL having DS at mine at first on Thursdays and quickly learnt that it was so unproductive for all! DS was aggy that mummy wouldn't play and I was stressed because I couldn't focus on my work!