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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Help me word an email to the school that isn't full of expletives please.

454 replies

ReanimatedSGB · 20/11/2018 22:04

I know I can do better that 'For fuck's sake, you petty-minded bunch of cunts', of course...

DS got a day in inclusion (ie isolation) because of his shoes. They are, admittedly, not quite regulation shoes, though they are plain black - but he was wearing them because his normal school shoes were discovered to have a fucking great hole in on Sunday evening. He wore the not-quite-right shoes yesterday and there was no problem - I got home from work too late to take him shoe-shopping as my shift overran - but I got a phone call at work this morning saying they were 'unacceptable' and he would either be sent home or have to spend the day in inclusion. I was halfway up the M4 at the time. I explained the reason and that we were going to buy a new pair tomorrow (because I wouldn't be home till 7pm), but they said if he didn't have proper shoes in the morning it would be the same thing again.
Mercifully our nearest Sainsburys is open till 10pm and is one of those big enough to have a clothing and footwear department, so we have actually got new shoes, but what the fuck is the point of taking a well-behaved kid out of class for the day when he's only wearing not-quite-right shoes for a perfectly good reason.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 23/11/2018 10:38

By all means thoughtfully challenge rules by pointing out their stupidity or unfairness. That's how we change them.

But to casually ignore them when they are inconvenient or when you can't be bothered to follow them is the route to anarchy. And to teach your son that he can pick and choose which to ignore is the route to a lifetime of risk and ruin.

You knew what the rules were. It was up to you to ensure you checked his shoes or taught him to check them.

whyhaveidonethis · 23/11/2018 10:39

This infuriated me. I write a blog and have picked up this issue a number of times. themadnessthatismylife.com/2018/11/23/can-someone-explain-to-me/

Prisons have to justify their use of isolation and yet schools use it for the slightest digression

ReanimatedSGB · 23/11/2018 10:42

You say 'anarchy' like it's such a bad thing. Far more harm is done (particularly to the more vulnerable) by authoritarianism - think of all those people desperate and starving because their benefits have been stopped for something like missing an appointment because they were in hospital... And a culture of petty tyranny is terrible for children. It encourages them to bully and sneak, as well as keeping them constantly anxious that it will be their turn next.

OP posts:
KatherinaMinola · 23/11/2018 10:44

I'm glad you emailed. I don't know why parents stand for this kind of nonsense. Surely nobody (except the odd brainwashed teacher) thinks this is a good idea?

ralfeesmum · 23/11/2018 11:01

They're being nit-picky, Reanimated. Sounds as if the Headteacher may be a bit of a Jobsworth.

ReanimatedSGB · 23/11/2018 11:17

And a further update: I rang the school and spoke to the Student Welfare Officer (who was the one who rang me initially) stating I wanted to complain. Got the standard bullshit about rules are rules, and if we made an exception, blah blah.
I remained very polite and said I intended to take the matter further, the policy was not rational or reasonable - and added that I accepted she had to follow policy and was doing her job. She gave me the email for the HT's office, and this is what I plan to send...

^I am writing with regard to the current policy of placing students in inclusion/sending them home for minor infringements of the uniform policy.

My son was sent to inclusion earlier this week for non-regulation shoes: he explained at the time, and I reinforced this when I was contacted by phone, that his usual shoes had developed a hole and I had not had time to buy him a new pair.

I do not consider sanctions in cases like this to be fair or reasonable. There will be many families in a similar position: if a uniform item is damaged (or lost) it is not always possible to replace it immediately. Wearing a pair of shoes which are practical, serviceable but not quite in line with regulations can have no impact on either his learning or that of his classmates: my son is generally well-behaved, with a positive attitude to his work, and has been distressed over the fact that he was punished in this instance.

I strongly advise the school to amend the policy to something which displays more common sense: if pupils have a valid reason (such as loss or damage and awaiting a replacement) for not wearing the precise uniform, they and their families should be given a few days' grace to obtain replacements. There needs to be a distinction made between pupils exhibiting defiance with regard to uniform and those who are in incorrect uniform through no fault of their own.

In closing: when we were considering secondary schools for {DS}, one of the factors was wanting to avoid this kind of trivial, damaging rules-for-the-sake-of-rules attitude, and I am disappointed to see that it appears to be creeping in at {school}. There is very little evidence that a fixation on minor details of uniform does anything to benefit pupils or staff: it is more likely to cause stress and anxiety.^

Thanks BTW to various MNers who suggested telling them what I want them to do, etc.

OP posts:
KatherinaMinola · 23/11/2018 11:20

That's very good. I hope more people take a stand.

MrsPeel · 23/11/2018 12:08

Ridiculous. For some reason a line of thought has been adopted that if you have a draconian approach to uniform then this equals a good education and encourages decent behaviour.IMHO it either encourages slavish obedience to authority however arbitrary or unfair (and look how that ends up) or contempt for authority (as it did in my school a million years ago)

shearwater · 23/11/2018 12:15

Reanimated - who is your MP? Might they be interested in this kind of thing. It is the sort of issue they will get involved with. It is happening in a lot of schools.

Lweji · 23/11/2018 12:24

But to casually ignore them when they are inconvenient or when you can't be bothered to follow them is the route to anarchy. And to teach your son that he can pick and choose which to ignore is the route to a lifetime of risk and ruin.

Grin

What the actual fuck matters what shoes kids wear to school?

Well, unless it's cowboy boots complete with spurs or these.

Help me word an email to the school that isn't full of expletives please.
M3lon · 23/11/2018 12:44

Sometimes I am sad that DD doesn't go to school and isn't participating in the shared experiences of the majority of her age group...

Then some days I know exactly why she isn't and think its the best decision we ever made.

ReanimatedSGB · 23/11/2018 13:29

AAAAAANNNNDDDD further update. Phone call from the Assistant Head, basically quite apologetic, took my point, a bit 'we'll have to agree to disagree on the usefulness of strict uniform policy' but sorry that DS was upset, they know he's a good kid and it won't go on his record and not-quite-but-close-enough saying 'Yes, all right, we fucked up there.'

That will do, for the moment.

OP posts:
TittyFahLaEtcetera · 23/11/2018 13:55

Excellent complaint letter ReanimatedSGB.

My DS was threatened with isolation for wearing trainers a few weeks back. Only he had broken his toe and the local hospital couldn't find a boot to fit him, so taped him up and said to wear soft, wide shoes. He has tapered toe loafers as school shoes and couldn't get his foot in there as it was so swollen.

His school is strict, so I anticipated problems. I got the hospital doctor to write a note on headed paper, then made copies at home so that DS didn't take the original in. Made a note in his planner and rang the school.

And he was caught by the head, who threatened isolation. DS said he had a note and without even looking the head told him "a note from Mum won't cut it". DS has ASD and was distraught, went into full meltdown, which head assumed to be a tantrum. Thankfully another teacher who knows DS intervened and defused the situation. But then I had to battle 2 weeks of school refusal. Over shoes FFS!

We also had issues with the PE shirt(s). They have shirts for indoor and outdoor PE, all have to be logo'd so they're only available from one supplier.

DS is small. The shop doesn't even make a PE shirt in his size, so we ordered the smallest one they made, back in July. They said they didn't normally carry it in their shops because it was so small, but it would be in by the time school started.

Of course, it wasn't. They gave the kids a pass for the first two weeks, then started handing out sanctions for kit violations. I had already spoken with the head of PE and had been assured it was ok, but overzealous teachers wouldn't accept it and sanctioned DS anyway.

I had to email again, giving them 3 options - 1. He wore his outdoor PE shirt. 2. He borrowed one from lost property if they could find one small enough. 3. I provided s plain polo shirt in any colour they deemed acceptable. I attached my email trail with the school supplier who were unreservedly apologetic, and offered to speak to the school on our behalf (and who gave me a discount when the bloody shirts finally came in). Finally they said it was ok for him to wear his outdoor shirt.

But really?! 2 different PE tops and sanctions for not wearing the 'right' one?! They can see how small DS is and knew I couldn't just buy a shop one as it would be a dress on him (and they're not allowed to tuck them in). How on earth would wearing a slightly different looking t-shirt have effected his ability to do general fitness exercises (which was his first PE rotation)? It wasn't even me bending the rules to suit us - it was the bloody school supplier! When the shirt finally came in and I was working, I sent DM to get it (and suspect that's why we got the discount as DM can be good at complaining). The manager felt terrible that a supply cock up had caused a new yr7 with SEN to be sanctioned.

Don't get me wrong, rules are rules and all that jazz, but they should serve a purpose and they should enhance learning. I'm sitting in my office now in a Joe Brown's dress and funky fur topped ankle boots. DS's school wouldn't call that office wear as it's above the knee and shows a bit of cleavage (gasp!). I've worked in offices where I've worn jeans and converse, as an outreach worker where casual clothing was encouraged to put clients at ease and in corporate environments and I've never had a dress code as strict as at DS school.

TittyFahLaEtcetera · 23/11/2018 13:57

Oops, cross post ReanimatedSGB!

I think that's the best you'll get from places like this. Consider it a victory. FlowersStar

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 23/11/2018 13:57

Glad to hear you got a vaguely positive response OP.

Miscible · 23/11/2018 13:59

Write to them to confirm what the Assistant Head told you, so that they can't backtrack on it later.

HelenaDove · 23/11/2018 16:32

The mental load and time this all takes up is fucking ludicrous.

i can see parents on UC who couldnt afford to replace shoes/uniform straight away just keeping their kids off school.

RangeRider · 23/11/2018 17:52

The mental load and time this all takes up is fucking ludicrous.
Particularly when OP could have avoided it in the first place by writing a note explaining the situation & sending it in with the shoes as proof Hmm

Greensleeves · 23/11/2018 17:55

Result Grin

HelenaDove · 23/11/2018 17:55

@RangeRider thats not how i meant it You are being ridiculous.

limitedperiodonly · 23/11/2018 18:24

the route to anarchy

Does anyone else share Jaxhog's hysteria for the breakdown of our society caused by a teenage boy wearing the wrong shoes to school?

RangeRider · 23/11/2018 19:23

Helena No actually I'm not. If OP had taken a couple of minutes to write a quick note explaining & chucked the shoes in a bag this would have been sorted in 5 minutes flat. But instead OP can't be bothered and ends up with phone calls, emails & a long thread on Mumsnet. A total waste of her time and the school's. They have rules because some people take the piss. No doubt if OP had done what I'd said the school would have said 'no problem, thanks for letting us know, get some by the end of the weekend' and all would have been well. As it is they probably think she's making up excuses after the fact.
It's pathetic, and if anyone is ridiculous it's OP.

Greensleeves · 23/11/2018 19:28

RangeRider, you're just plain old wrong, I'm afraid. In our school, certainly, a note from Mum (or even a papal dispensation) would make no difference whatsoever. Uniform infraction = isolation. No exceptions. No discretion. No common sense. That is what people are complaining about.

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 23/11/2018 20:53

Just in case anyone is still interested, I reported this thread to @MNHQ asking if they would be interested in running a campaign. They replied to me saying that they would pass it on the their campaigns team. They also said though that they usually plan 6 months in advance (can’t see that being a problem as in fact 6 months would take us to the keeping blazers on at all times in 30 plus degree heat madness) and that the best thing to do is post a thread on their petitions pages. I must admit I never look at those pages but am happy to investigate.

Does anyone want me to start a thread on there? Or please, please does someone else want to do it Grin? @ReanimatedSGB, I don’t want to tread on your toes!

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 23/11/2018 20:55

I should say that their reaction was (I suppose rightly) very neutral so I don’t know HQ’s feelings on the subject.