To think that you can pass on MH issues to children?

[plumprincess]

Please bear with me on this one. I'm looking for genuine advice. I'm not stupid but I'm also not massively intelligent and so reading up and researching articles and theories doesn't seem to go in for me.

My entire family suffer from some form of MH issue. My grandma was the worst, I aren't actually sure what she had but let's just say she was batshit crazy. I have 2 aunties both with BPD, 2 uncles both diagnosed psychopaths an auntie with schizophrenia. That's my mums side. My dads side I have 3 aunties all of whom suffer from BPD and my dad is also schizophrenic. Luckily my mother, my siblings and my generation of cousins all seem to have 'skipped' having any form of MH issues.
I myself suffered a trauma during childhood which let me to being under the MH services for the majority of my teenage years and early adult life. I went through a lot of therapy and am no longer under a MH team.

Because of this I have never had my own children, I am absolutely petrified that I would pass on some kind of mental health issue to them and their lives would be misery. Is this possible? Is it a genetic or is it just luck of the draw?

My partner is desperate for children and has always wanted to have a big family. Over the last couple of years I have found a million excuses to keep putting him off, it's not the right time, we can't afford it, we're still young etc. The thing is it's breaking my heart because I've always wanted my own family too. I've dreamt of having my own kids for as long as I can remember. I feel that I'm at a time in my life where the maternal pull is happening more and more. I sometimes just ache inside thinking about being pregnant and how happy it would make me and my partner.
The only issue I have is that I really am torn because I have convinced myself that should I choose to go ahead and have children then it would be my fault if they do end up suffering from MH issues. It would break my heart and I would forever feel guilty that I chose to bring them into this world knowing there was a chance that they would suffer.

Please can someone just give me some advice, even if it's to confirm what I believe or to go against me and tell me I'm being absolutely ridiculous.
If it is true and MH issues are genetic then how do people manage? How do they help their children to cope?

I feel so worried about all of this and it hasn't even happened yet. It's just delaying me and my partner from having a family and each day that passes I worry he will end up leaving and finding someone that does want to have a family with him without any issues.

Yes I believe they very much are genetic issues which can be passed on. Ruby Wax's episode of Who do you think you are' was fascinating to watch as it explored just that.

Does that mean you shouldn't have children? I think it is such a personal choice. I think if you are in a stable relationship, take good care if yourself physically and mentally and you have a good understanding of your own problems then you'd be a wonderful parent. Treatments are changing all the time and you'd be a good supportive parent from the outset.

That said, in your shoes I wouldn't have children. But that's me. I am not having children because I don't want to pass on my disability among other things. But that's me.

Have you had any counselling about this issue? Even if it is genetic, you might have children with very good mental health still.

If you had children they may or may not have physical or mental health problems. You can’t guarantee either way. My son tends to be anxious like me. I can’t say if it’s inherited, learnt or just how he is. What I can do is let him talk to me and help with coping strategies. He will be stronger having felt anxious and conquered it than never having worried a bit. And he’s my son and I love him to bits.

I've not had any counselling about it no, I just figured it was probably me being too cautious and wasn't something I needed to speak to someone about.
I just can't bear the thought of having a child and then discovering years down the line they are a psychopath and I could have prevented it.
I already have murderers and rapists within the family (which is why I've been NC with them all for the last 16 years). To think that could be my future child one day fills me with terror.

Some mental health issues have genetic components, which means they could potentially be passed on (but not always).

Some mental health issues have genetic components, so can be passed on, but they are only triggered in certain circumstances, such as an abusive childhood.

Some mental health issues cannot/are unlikely to be passed on, BUT if the parents' mental health issues are untreated and this produces a difficult home environment, then the children can end up with similar or other mental health issues.

Some MH issues don't have obvious inheritance.

If you have counselling, are treated, and providing a supportive environment for your children, then the child could well be fine. It depends on the specific MH issue I think. I really think you should have counselling before deciding not to have children, and should definitely have counselling before you have children as it seems there are unresolved issues potentially, in your past.

My family is riddled with mental health and addiction problems. My Dad has narcissistic personality disorder (diagnosed), my Mum has alcohol problems and is possibly ASD, I have siblings who have been institutionalised - our genes are a mess! But I have two kids, and I don't regret it for a second.
I myself suffered a trauma during childhood See, this is the thing - you don't know whether things would have been different without the trauma. I give my kids as stable a life as I can, I try to make sure that all of their needs are met, and the rest is up to them. Mental health isn't a simple thing - some people fall outside the bounds of 'normal', but find their own ways to interact with society. It's not always a straight forward positive or negative - I read this good book on it once (can't remember the title!), but it was all about how so called mental illnesses can be seen as different extremes of different brain types. The author had bipolar disorder, and was very creative - she could see things in a way that more 'neurotypical' people couldn't. It was incredibly interesting.

My daughter likely has ASD - as do I. I don't see it as my fault - she is wonderful. I hate that she finds so many things so difficult - I hate to see her struggles and her anxiety, we have to work harder to help her through life. But she is utterly amazing, exactly as she is. Every quirky, stubborn, emotional, hilarious, beautiful part of her. I can't say 'I wish she didn't have ASD', because I love everything she is. I can say 'I wish life were easier for her', so I fight to make her world a little more comforting and accepting.

Cycles are often repeated in families. Yes, genetics can play a role too, but I think a big factor is environment. I am determined to break my family cycle - and so far it seems to be going okay. I think giving my kids the tools to deal with life is more important than worrying about their genetics.

Some mental health issues have genetic components, so can be passed on, but they are only triggered in certain circumstances, such as an abusive childhood.

Sorry, to explain this further, as I realise it's not clear... You could pass down a particular genetic MH issue to your child, so it's there, in their genes, waiting. If you child is brought up in a loving, supportive environment, then most likely that MH issue will never appear. However, with the same child in an abusive home, this might well cause the MH issue to appear.

There is definite ongoing university level research into this matter UCL I think.

In my own family MH issues are rife, some diagnosed some not

I have to say in almost every instance with those diagnosed there has been a dreadful real life incident also. And there are also plenty without who grew up in the same houses etc

I think it's genetic predisposition + what life throws at you myself

My parents both seem to have undiagnosed ASD, while mine is diagnosed.

My mother had a very difficult, traumatic childhood which has definitely had an impact on her parenting, of me at least. I'm an absolute fucking wreck and I wouldn't wish my life on anyone. I'd much rather not have children in case my nature of nurture impact them.

My younger brother, by comparison, is charming, well adjusted, smart ambitious and all in all a top human being. The parenting he experienced was only marginally less traumatic than mine, but he seems to have come through it very well. So it could go either way.

I also believe they are, at least in part, genetic. In fact, I have the same phobia as my mum and grandmum (and anxiety, depression, etc).

I think it would be worth asking yourself this question: would you also not have children if it was a physical issue?

Don't blame yourself for your genes. You didn't choose them, after all.

Yes it can be genetic. There’s also the Negative effects being raised by a parent of mental health issues.

If I had known the extend I’d my mental health problems, I would never have had my children. But then I have quite extreme views on passing things on to children.

Basically what Pollaidh said

This was the main reason I didn't have children, OP - diagnosed severe depression in four generations on one side and in three on the other. My mother was emotionally (and occasionally physically) extremely abusive, despite her instance that she was nothing like her mother (who had been the same) and as a relatively young (c 8)child, I decided I would never have children as someone had to "stop the rot".

In my case, it was absolutely the right decision BUT had I ever been in a position growing up that children seemed like a positive option, perhaps my attitudes wouldn't have crystallised. In your case, you would love to have children, from your post - and as long as you continue to be as self-aware and continue to access therapeutic help if necessary, I don't think that factor alone should stop you.

Yes, yes and yes.
Mental illness of the severity you describe is genetic. Why else would your family be rife with it.
Personal experience of marrying into a family with such problems. It's not worth the risk of having children.
I have a married adult son who is a time bomb waiting to go off. He has decided not to have children to try and stop their family cycle of psychiatric hospital admissions and misery.
You are very sensible, I wish I had been as sensible before I had my son , I'm bitter that my husband bestowed his family genetics on to our child.
I'm so sorry you're in this position, it is a nightmare.

Oh thank you so much for your replies. It seems I am not totally alone in feeling this way. I am getting the impression that the general outlook is that even though MH can be passed on it is something that can be prevented from coming to the surface given the right upbringing.
I haven't spoken to my partner about this and feel maybe he deserves to have this chat with me about why I feel the way I do. I do believe we could give our potential children a very happy and love filled life.
In answer to a pp'a question which really screamed sense at me, if there was a chance my children were born with a physical disability then of course it wouldn't make a difference to me to want to have them and I would go ahead. I just need to remember that as it's really stuck out for me. I would have never thought of it in that way before.

I think you're right. Psychotic, narcissistic mother, long history of MH problems. I have mental health issues and often worry about becoming her clone. However, there are foreign traits these people lack and we have. Traits like insight, compassion, empathy, trust, even love.

You are you, not your elders. That you posted this op shows you have these traits.

You'll make a great mum

Yes some are genetic. I've got 2.
I shouldn't have had a child (didn't want them to feel as isolated as me) but there you go.

I'm not sure there is a genetic element. There's no scientific evidence of that yet.

I am more of the belief that most mental health issues are passed down via learned behaviour, neglect, abuse, trauma. It's a cycle from generation to generation. Not so sure about schizophrenia but don't know enough about it to have an opinion.

Not a popular view I know.

OP, I wouldn't let the fear of this preventing you from having DC of you want them and are in a position to care for them. There are no guarantees to anything.

One last thing. You cannot think a possible condition, physical or mental, is your fault. Trust me, I've been there. DD was born carrying two exceptionally rare conditions. We found a few years ago, she's 19 now. My immediate thought was if I'd done anything to cause it.

You get children born with leukaemia with no history. I was born with meningitis & pneumonia with no family history.

Luck of the draw, life can deal excellent hands but also devastating ones. You have no control over it (obviously if there's a medical condition contraindicating children that's very different).

I live with depression, so does my dh and it's usually under control.
All 3 of our dc have mh issues including depression and anxiety.
it's only been as adults with the dc though, except for one who was diagnosed as a child.
They all lead normal lives and are generally happy with their lot. It doesn't interfere with a normal life, just rears it's ugly head now and again.
A positive is that if several people in a family experience mh issues, the rest are sympathetic and can sometimes spot the signs for you.

Great post @Pollaidh

I have PTSD. My DD underwent a serious trauma in her teens and displays signs of the same. Before the trauma nothing. It's almost as if the PTSD was waiting for a trigger. I believe this is the same, so many MH issues begin after a trauma/trigger. Raised in a solid, loving, home and taught boundaries, self-worth, self-esteem in an age appropriate way if something did appear then the child has tools to deal. Imo.

You are born a psychopath-it is genetic
Most other mental health issues are a combo of nature and nurture

There is a significant history of mental health problems in my family on both sides - depression, anxiety, self-harm and bipolar. I have suffered from depression and anxiety myself, with one severe episode (requiring hospitalisation) due to PND.

I have had some counselling and in my case believe my problems are due to a combination of genes and upbringing - as well as having the genetic component, I was brought up by reclusive parents who demanded perfection and insisted on 'right' ways of doing things (ie their ways).

I did decide to have DD (not sure if I will have any more due to the severe PND). My experiences have made me determined to provide better emotional support for DD than my parents were able to give me. I hope that even if I pass down a component of poor mental health, I am also working hard to give her the emotional intelligence to offset this.

There are genetic links but agree with the poster who mentioned learned behaviour.

There's also the impact on the child from having a parent with mental health problems, having witnessed some of the issues it's very sad.