To think that you can pass on MH issues to children?

[plumprincess]

Please bear with me on this one. I'm looking for genuine advice. I'm not stupid but I'm also not massively intelligent and so reading up and researching articles and theories doesn't seem to go in for me.

My entire family suffer from some form of MH issue. My grandma was the worst, I aren't actually sure what she had but let's just say she was batshit crazy. I have 2 aunties both with BPD, 2 uncles both diagnosed psychopaths an auntie with schizophrenia. That's my mums side. My dads side I have 3 aunties all of whom suffer from BPD and my dad is also schizophrenic. Luckily my mother, my siblings and my generation of cousins all seem to have 'skipped' having any form of MH issues.
I myself suffered a trauma during childhood which let me to being under the MH services for the majority of my teenage years and early adult life. I went through a lot of therapy and am no longer under a MH team.

Because of this I have never had my own children, I am absolutely petrified that I would pass on some kind of mental health issue to them and their lives would be misery. Is this possible? Is it a genetic or is it just luck of the draw?

My partner is desperate for children and has always wanted to have a big family. Over the last couple of years I have found a million excuses to keep putting him off, it's not the right time, we can't afford it, we're still young etc. The thing is it's breaking my heart because I've always wanted my own family too. I've dreamt of having my own kids for as long as I can remember. I feel that I'm at a time in my life where the maternal pull is happening more and more. I sometimes just ache inside thinking about being pregnant and how happy it would make me and my partner.
The only issue I have is that I really am torn because I have convinced myself that should I choose to go ahead and have children then it would be my fault if they do end up suffering from MH issues. It would break my heart and I would forever feel guilty that I chose to bring them into this world knowing there was a chance that they would suffer.

Please can someone just give me some advice, even if it's to confirm what I believe or to go against me and tell me I'm being absolutely ridiculous.
If it is true and MH issues are genetic then how do people manage? How do they help their children to cope?

I feel so worried about all of this and it hasn't even happened yet. It's just delaying me and my partner from having a family and each day that passes I worry he will end up leaving and finding someone that does want to have a family with him without any issues.

I think you need to think about how you would want to parent and the stability you could offer a child. DHs family have a lot of MH issues and he has a BPD diagnosis..there is certainly a genetic component but equally it's almost like they've caught it off each other environmentally (please bear with me on this). There is a lack of resilience in family members so tiny events are blown up, people aren't encouraged to do much because it's all a bit scary and if you fall at the first hurdle you don't get back up, there's also constant catastrophising- literally everytime I see MIL she 'nearly died' on the 20min car journey! So yes to a genetic component (I have a degree in psychology) but also yes to something called the diathesis stress model which says that we have all sorts of genetics lurking within us but it's what we encounter in life that may switch it on. I challenge any catastrophising language and parent based on resilience and a positive outlook that we support each other, home is safe and things will generally work out ok. I'm hoping that will protect DD as much as it can do. She may still have MH issues but to some extent all of us are at risk under stressful circumstances.

Adoption is not going to solve the issue, because the genes which predispose people to MH problems are also massively overrepresented among children who need homes, and are compounded by trauma and difficult former backgrounds (not to mention things like prenatal harm caused by alcohol and drugs in many case). We are not living in 1950--there are very few healthy teenage girls giving up healthy newborn babies for adoption these days.

Going abroad for embryo adoption is the only solution I think of if you want to minimize the risk of WH problems. Nothing is ever guaranteed, however.

gingerrogered I had to look up your inane comment. You think I'm someone else hiding behind false identies. I had no idea that is even a thing.
Are you in fact
threadastaire as well.

@Gingerrogered you are a psychopath I think
My knowledge is from solid research papers as you know
I will give you insight into what it's like to be brought up and hurt by a
psychopath when you are Not one

You are never shown any interest
You are not allowed to show any type of negative emotion or you're labeled as ill
Your parent gives the impression that they are a normal human being and they are well liked by others
They are eerily calm
The worst thing about functioning psychopaths is their ability to appear as normal so as a child you believe them not caring about you or loving you is justified -for someone with emotion it is a living hell and as a child it destroys you to think that your own parent can't love you
Psychopaths need to be extinct

L

Trainee doctor here. I don’t think it’s entirely genetic. However there is a proven genetic element so it certainly plays a part. I think genes give you a predisposition but nothing more. In my experience it’s more about other pre disposing factors that often affect several generations eg poverty, difficulties in the home, strained relationships, financial difficulties etc etc. Google environmental factors for schizophrenia for example and see how many affected your family. So if you’re in a stable relationship and can provide for children and protect them from the things you experienced in your childhood/experienced by those other family members you mention then I don’t think they’d be hugely at risk of MH issues.

My family (though only my dad's side) has more than its fair share of mental illness.

The predominant one being depression, but this seems to be a case of just having a predisposition to it, it only seems to take hold if there has been a trigger.

I'm also pretty certain both my dad and me are on the autistic spectrum. We both have an awful lot of the traits (slightly obsessive behaviours eg, knowing everything about a certain topic and not knowing when to shut up about it, we both do this weird shaky leg thing when we are stressed/agitated which I have been told is a stim, we're both awful at understanding people and our executive function and time keeping aren't great. Both get very stressed out by loud noises/crowds to the point where it hurts. I wear noise cancelling headphones if I'm going somewhere busy like a supermarket at a weekend to make it bearable.)

I think you should go for it. You don’t have a crystal ball and you can’t see the future. Also, if you are worried about your impact you can get your partner to be the main carer (my sister did this) is if you are worried about your genes you could use donated eggs. But really these are no guarantee either so you should just go for it. Good luck.

I know, things she said to OP about her future children - not right. Perhaps we could do a lot of research to find a cure for psychopathy or at least make it a lot easier for people being abused by a psychopath to get away

Genocide of a whole group is a despicable thing to talk about. Telling the OP, not to have kids and that they wouldn't deserve to live if she had children - not nice and not on.

I've reported you because I will not have you accusing me of the disgusting opinion that lyndar posted.
Upper case letters? Look at my posts. Every single one uses upper case letters.
I don't need back up to my opinions, I'm confident in my views.

Some personality disorders are genetic. Its difficult to give a precise figure on how much. Many children who have a genetic risk are raised by the parent with the personality disorder which in turn can make for a difficult childhood. This also makes it very difficult to confirm if genetics or environment have the greater influence.

My children are genetically pre-disposed to personality disorders. Environmental factors seem to increase the risk a lot. Luckily, in their case, they do not have contact with anyone with MH issues. I do my utmost to ensure they have the most stable upbringing. They are surrounded by people who love and care for them. When they are older they will have counselling to deal with issues around why they have no contact with some people etc. I am aware of their personalities and I do look for any signs of them becoming emotionally unstable but I choose to see it as a good thing as I know what I am looking for and with early intervention it can be treated sucessfully.

Its a scary prospect for the future but it would never have stopped me having them.
Should people not have children because there is a higher risk of cancer in their family for example or can that risk be lessened knowing they are predisposed to it?

How I discovered I have the brain of a psychopath by James Fallon is very interesting. He is a successful neuroscientist who accidentally discovered he is a psychopath.

You must talk to your H. I totally understand your fears about having a child but it is very unfair to not be straight with him.
If you decide not to have children then he needs to know of the potential decision. He may resent you not telling him upfront about not wanting them and it could destroy your marriage.
You are making a life changing decision not just for you but for him too. You should have discussed this before marriage or moving in together.
Please talk to him. Go to a councillor together to discuss possibilities and fears.

Hi all,
It looks like the OP is finding this very sensitive thread useful, so as it continues it would be good if we can keep the troll-hunting and back-biting to a minimum.

My brother was schizophrenic and there’s mental illness in the family all over and I’ve had the same concerns about my children but I have had them. I’ve always wanted them.
I do think it’s hereditary but there are definitely life events that can cause, exacerbate or relieve it too. Plus medication improvements. Maternal mental health has a huge impact on children. Thankfully my dc seem to have very good mental health so far but you just don’t know what life will throw at you.

DS's dad's family have a history of MH disorders so there is a genetic component. Ds(11) has ASD, has had problems over the years and is struggling with the move to secondary school. It takes a lot of energy atm to keep him on an even keel. I am fortunate in that the school are being brilliant. I trained as a therapist when I discovered the genetic thing, partly so I could help him but also help his dad and get a career that I could fit around being a single parent.

Even with all this it is really hard. Seeing DS silently scream, listening to him running himself down, seeing him paralysed by fear is scary, infuriating and painful. It takes a lot to stay calm, not get swept away by his misery and be the parent he needs me to be.

OP, you children may or may not have MH problems (ExH's sister has none), but parenting itself can exacerbate your MH difficulties. It is important that you consider the impact that it may have on you and take steps to mitigate that before you have children.

Thank you for all of your replies. Everyone has been most helpful and offered me really solid advice from all angles and I am definitely going to speak to my partner about it.

I think you have to be with the thought that yes, your children may inherit MH issues. I think this happens whatever happens to them in life. The question is is life in itself of value even if it may be blighted by mental health issues. Some MH issues are so affecting that those people choose to leave life so there is that chance also. If you are happy overall with your life in spite of the mh issues you have had, then presumably you would be happy to give another being the opportunity of life, with whatver mh issues they may or may not experience.

Most MH issues are a mixed of nature and nurture/childhood adversity. Genes are switched on and off by the environment. If you can provide a stable home life you should be fine.

I do tend to lean more towards the genetic side of the debate, as mental health issues are a chemical imbalance in the brain, aren't they?

I do understand that outside factors, stressful events can bring on issues, but it doesn't happen to everyone who suffers a stressful event, or all soldiers would have PTSD.. I think some folk are genetically predisposed to MH issues and certain environmental factors can bring them out worse / earlier

My husband was brought up in an awful household. If you have read 'a child called Dave', some very parallel stories.. Yet him, nor any of his five siblings have mental health issues..My H is one of the most balanced people I know.

My own childhood in comparison was like the Waltons, yet every sibling on my side has MH issues, as well as mother - and beyond her I am not sure

*A child called IT....(Not Dave, hes the author)

My DH’s birth mother had schizophrenia. Because of this my mother thought we should not have children. But we tried anyway though never had any. My DH has suffered depression in the past but has never had any psychotic episode. I think environment matters a great deal.