To think that you can pass on MH issues to children?

[plumprincess]

Please bear with me on this one. I'm looking for genuine advice. I'm not stupid but I'm also not massively intelligent and so reading up and researching articles and theories doesn't seem to go in for me.

My entire family suffer from some form of MH issue. My grandma was the worst, I aren't actually sure what she had but let's just say she was batshit crazy. I have 2 aunties both with BPD, 2 uncles both diagnosed psychopaths an auntie with schizophrenia. That's my mums side. My dads side I have 3 aunties all of whom suffer from BPD and my dad is also schizophrenic. Luckily my mother, my siblings and my generation of cousins all seem to have 'skipped' having any form of MH issues.
I myself suffered a trauma during childhood which let me to being under the MH services for the majority of my teenage years and early adult life. I went through a lot of therapy and am no longer under a MH team.

Because of this I have never had my own children, I am absolutely petrified that I would pass on some kind of mental health issue to them and their lives would be misery. Is this possible? Is it a genetic or is it just luck of the draw?

My partner is desperate for children and has always wanted to have a big family. Over the last couple of years I have found a million excuses to keep putting him off, it's not the right time, we can't afford it, we're still young etc. The thing is it's breaking my heart because I've always wanted my own family too. I've dreamt of having my own kids for as long as I can remember. I feel that I'm at a time in my life where the maternal pull is happening more and more. I sometimes just ache inside thinking about being pregnant and how happy it would make me and my partner.
The only issue I have is that I really am torn because I have convinced myself that should I choose to go ahead and have children then it would be my fault if they do end up suffering from MH issues. It would break my heart and I would forever feel guilty that I chose to bring them into this world knowing there was a chance that they would suffer.

Please can someone just give me some advice, even if it's to confirm what I believe or to go against me and tell me I'm being absolutely ridiculous.
If it is true and MH issues are genetic then how do people manage? How do they help their children to cope?

I feel so worried about all of this and it hasn't even happened yet. It's just delaying me and my partner from having a family and each day that passes I worry he will end up leaving and finding someone that does want to have a family with him without any issues.

I’m bipolar and told there’s a good chance one of my kids are too. I don’t think personality disorders like bpd are hereditary but don’t quote me on that!

You could be a carrier for anything and not know. I’m one of these people that says it’s worth it.

I was diagnosed after 2 kids and had a third, accidental pregnancy but, hey! It’s shit and I’d rather not have it but it’s manageable nowadays

My mother is schizophrenic and has been seriously poorly with multiple long-term sections. There are other people with serious illness in her generation. Neither I nor my siblings have had any mental health issues and have done well in professional jobs etc. I have sometimes worried about passing on genes but that has not stopped me having children. I did however flag my family history to the midwife team. If you are stable at the moment, please don’t feel like you shouldn’t but tsk it through with a professional and see what they say. I have had some tough times but I am stronger for it and love my mother dearly. I also brought a lot of joy to her and my father and am pleased that they did have children as they have both loved and supported me massively despite challenges.

When I was a teenager I had discussions with my mother’s doctors re genetic components. They drummed into me that I must never take canabis or do certain things that might put me at greater risk of developing a mental health condition. I listened.

Please PM me if you’d like to talk more.

Yes there is a genetic component to a lot of conditions and it’s also true that if you have a parent who has a severe mental health condition you are more likely to experience childhood trauma which can contribute to certain mh problems and certain behaviours can be learned and normalised.

I would like to point out that the rapist and murderer in my family are the uncles diagnosed with psychopathy. One is currently in prison and the other is in a secure unit indefinitely. They are both my maternal uncles and as they are both from the same grandma this is what worries me the most. I could deal with BPD I could deal with schizophrenia but I really aren't sure I could deal with my child being born a psychopath and knowing I could have prevented that.
I just wonder if I would spend the entire time of their childhood watching it for traits. Would it make me love them less? Would a real bond ever be able to develop if I always had this in the back of my mind? Would it effect their childhood if everything they did during naughty periods was looked upon as psycho behaviours and not typical childish ways?
It really scares me just thinking about it.

Thank you @user1471426142 I really appreciate your honesty. I'm really glad that you went on to have your own child regardless of what could have come of it. Its so good to hear I am not alone in feeling this way.

I think there is some element of learnt behaviour and that certain behavior and the way children learn to react to situations can be learnt and observed from the environment they live in.

I have no evidence for this, its just my observations and what I think.

I think if you are anxious and overly sensitive, then this can certainly be passed on, children will pick up on those behaviours and will exhibit those themselves.

Whoever said psychopaths are born that way - not true, it's a combination of nature and nurture. Someone with the genetic predisposition who has a happy, secure, loving childhood may never have the condition triggered.

Think about it OP, do you think it's not likely to be luck that none of your siblings have MH issues? You may well have the genetic predisposition, but aside from your traumatic childhood experience, your mother gave you a good enough childhood and grounding so you could cope and your illness was never triggered.

I have a feeling from your post OP, that you would be able to provide a child with the sort of loving childhood that would stop MH issues being triggered, I mean, you're already worrying about this child's welfare, before they're even conceived. You're reacting unselfishly towards this child and putting their needs before your own. You're putting the child's needs (a decent childhood) above your own (wanting a baby). I would say these are indications of someone who has the potential to be a very good mother, and the baby has a Dad that really wants them. It really sounds like you're capable of giving a child a decent childhood.

Yes definitely can be passed down

My family has MH issues going down generations.

It is a vile thing to have...the services are awful for it and there is little real life sympathy and you end up living a lonely existence. It is an existence, not a real life - Long term MH issues are decades of pain that hangs over you, and everyone that knows you

Sounds a real downer I know, but I have MH issues , 50 hours a week and support a twenty something adult child, that have them and It is a complete nightmare existence that I would not wish on an enemy.

I wish i had not had my children. I have been married 31 years and gave them a stable loving home but still got 2 who are depressed, on antidepressants for years, one since aged 11, they are ok for a year or 2 and then they get resistant, have a meltdown and have to change medication and dosage. It is so worrying, it has caused me untold stress and worry and made me ill myself. I dont know where we went wrong, i feel such a failure. I do wonder about a genetic component.

In your shoes, i would not have children

Interesting previous posts regarding trauma triggers, in my family there were none, absolutely nothing at all, i was a SAHM for their upbringing as i thought it important for a stable home , mum at home, dad at work, no big life events, nothing

@MrsCarmody I hope your children with MH issues never hear that you wish you hadn't had them. Somehow I don't think that would help them 

There is evidence of genetic influences in the development of some mental health issues. Anyone who wants to explore this can go on Google Scholar, type in "anxiety genetic" or whatever, and knock themselves out reading up on it.

However.

It's an influence, not a destiny. Anxiety seems to be about 30% influenced by genes, 70% by environmental factors. OP, if you want kids, have them. You're clearly insightful and caring. And the vast majority of people with MH issues are very glad to be here.

Slight change of topic :
Someone upthread seemed to think that rape and murder were necessarily indicative of severe mental illness. They're not. Sometimes people with mental illness can do these things, but a lot of rapists are perfectly sane, horrible people.

I’m sure she’s not going to tell them

I would never voice that thought aloud.

I think it shows the stigma associated with mental health conditions that someone can baldly state they wish they hadn't had their children because they have mental health problems.

Would anyone get away with saying that kind of thing if they had a child with a long term physical disability?

Would anyone get away with saying that kind of thing if they had a child with a long term physical disability?

If that disability negatively impacted the child’s life, yes.

@MrsCarmody this thread is a bit too close to home for me so I'm going to head off, didn't mean to go on the attack, it's just very plausible to hear what you wrote in my own mother's voice

Yes they would say it, all a parent wants for their children is to be happy not live a misearable tortured life

I wish i had not had my children. I have been married 31 years and gave them a stable loving home but still got 2 who are depressed, on antidepressants for years, one since aged 11, they are ok for a year or 2 and then they get resistant, have a meltdown and have to change medication and dosage. It is so worrying, it has caused me untold stress and worry and made me ill myself. I dont know where we went wrong, i feel such a failure. I do wonder about a genetic component

Mrs Carmody - Thank you for your honesty - I have had to pour a wine to say this.........

.If I am being honest, like totally honest (which I rarely am about this) , I wouldn't either (have had kids). Having spent the last weekend sitting in a&e with my suicidal self harming twentysomething who has 4 different MH conditions, this is a lifetime of caring, paying all their bills, worrying yourself stupid, having no life of my own , trying to access non existent services and worrying if I will get a knock on the door. .....Working 50 hours a week so I can support two households....spending most evenings rushing between two homes and destroying my relationship with my husband.....all the time suffering from MH issues myself.

My life is not my own. AT ALL. I can not remember the last time I did anything I wanted to do, I cannot remember the last time I slept a full night or even felt relaxed

I have often thought about suicide, as this is IT for me. This is NOT how I thought my 40s would be. There is no support. I have seen myself how hospitals treat people with MH issues if you walk in pissing with blood, you still get released into the community, into the care of family who are barely hanging on

I know people who have kids, who go uni, fly the nest, live their own lives, yet my offspring requires more time/attention/money - than they did at five years old.

I see these same other parents, whose kids have flown the nest, going on cruises, enjoying life. I am bitter.

I hate my fucking life. There is literally no way out and no fucking support. The only reason I haven't killed myself is because said twentysomething would not cope and probably succeed in the suicide attempt this time

I know this is strong,and im so sorry

Interesting previous posts regarding trauma triggers, in my family there were none, absolutely nothing at all

Same. Other than previous generations having MH issues.

i know people will not agree, but they wont understand the viewpoint and you get beat down

Honestly no one could beat me down any further than I already feel.

Watching your own child getting tortured for decades, and trying to help, when there literally IS no help...it can destroy a person.

Not being born would be better than living a tortured life.

I think it shows the stigma associated with mental health conditions that someone can baldly state they wish they hadn't had their children because they have mental health problems

No one is attacking you ...its a very different view point from your own, you and the other poster (and me) all just have very different life experiences

Schizophrenia is the most genetically linked mental illness but it’s not really that genetic. It’s more likely you become mentally ill because of the exposure to parents with poor mental health.

Neurodevelopmental disorders are much more heritable.

My cousin has schizophrenia and so does my brother. I have bpd and have suffered with depression since I was early 20s. My son has depression too. I did research for my dissertation that said mental illness has genetic factors.

Wow OP, even though you have these worries, the posts on here are stark!

Why would you not consider adoption? Yes the children may have MH issues, but you would be helping them to overcome their issues, not caused by you.