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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DS alone over Christmas?

112 replies

pinkbobbles · 19/11/2018 18:20

DS is 20 and he lives with me. He had autism (high functioning to a point) and adhd.

DS has never been into Christmas, at all. I have to admit I have been absolutely dreading it this year, we have no other family apart from another adult child who is working and living with her boyfriend.

One of my friends has invited me to spend Christmas with her, DS is invited but I know he won’t go. I suppose I’m wondering if I should just go anyway ... don’t flame me, just trying to weigh it up.

OP posts:
MemoryOfSleep · 20/11/2018 04:26

Presumably you not being there would be hard for him regardless of the date? So if you're wishing to avoid that you never get to go on holiday again?

You sound like a fantastic mum, OP, but you shouldn't feel the need to sacrifice your own happiness and life experiences for your adult child. If you'd go abroad at any other time, go. If you wouldn't go abroad at any other time, hire a carer and go. Even parents need to live their own life sometimes. x

sashh · 20/11/2018 04:54

I don't celebrate Xmas.

4 days alone in my parents house at that age, would have been my idea of bliss.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/11/2018 05:28

You said DD will be working - even on Christmas Day? And evenings?

Wow, the idea that someone will be working on Xmas day!

Fucks sake..........

Monty27 · 20/11/2018 05:44

He's not just got autism, he's your son and it's Christmas.
I certainly couldn't leave him alone no matter what Shock

Paise · 20/11/2018 06:02

I think you should go, I have aspergers, I stopped going to family Christmas at 18 as its just horrendous, I buy nice food and play PlayStation all day instead!
Just make sure to stock up the fridge maybe with some nice treats!

KC225 · 20/11/2018 06:03

Monty She is his mother and it's her Christmas too.

Go OP. Talk to your daughter. I know she is working but she can be on the end of a phone if he needs her. You can phone/skype him at set times every day. You know he has been fine when you have left him before. Its just another day for him. Enjoy yourself. I bet you deserve a break.

CircleofWillis · 20/11/2018 06:10

Go! Your Daughter can check in with him and you have been away before.

CircleofWillis · 20/11/2018 06:11

(I have a five year old DD with HFA and work with children and adults on the spectrum.)

Happygolucky009 · 20/11/2018 06:17

What a difficult decision, i am not sure I could go tbh but that is no reflection on your decision. My concerns would be leaving him for 4 days, not able to get home in the event of emergency due to the holidays and no family of friends to pop in just for 30 mins each day to check in with him.

Nanny0gg · 20/11/2018 06:28

If your dd is going to check on him and Christmas is just another day as far as he is concerned then go.

FallenSky · 20/11/2018 06:34

I say this as kindly as possible, but he is an adult now. You have spent 20 years putting him first and sacrificing your own enjoyment of Christmas for him. As you should have. But.. When does it stop? Will you never be able to have a Christmas you enjoy ever again?

You have left him before, how did he cope that time? Personally, if I was in your situation I would have to decide whether DS was capable of looking after himself. If he wasn't then I'd look in to a carer of some sort, even just get someone to pop in and check on him.

My DS has Asd and adhd. He is 10. I can well see myself in this situation in 10 years and I genuinely think that as long as I knew he'd be safe and be able to meet his own personal needs for those few days, I would go. I know my DS would be just as anxious whether I left him alone or forced him to partake in something he really wouldn't enjoy.

I think you should go. Just talk to DS first and see what he says. If he says he will be fine, believe him. Put in place any plans you think are necessary, have an option for if there is an emergency and have a lovely Christmas. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you deserve joy and happiness too.

PollyPelargonium52 · 20/11/2018 06:47

If ds enjoys being alone and is high functioning then it won't matter.

Autism can often mean spending lots of time on one own and getting inside one's headspace a lot and avoiding others. So you staying or you going won't necessarily change that anyway.

If it will mean the worry of his being ok for four days is greater than the misery of spending Christmas without other people for you then you will have to stay home. If however you know he can cope then there is no need to worry. You won't know until you try.

It is often good to get space from parents as an adult child so no harm done on that front. He has to fend for himself as best he can and until you test it out you have no way of knowing. Why don't you go on the understanding that you come straight home if the stress of worrying about him is too much? You can speak to him daily to check he is ok and gauge things daily. Why not leave it like that?

AnyOtherPerson · 20/11/2018 06:55

I’d go! He’s 20, he’s capable of being on his own and you’re giving him the choice of coming. There’s no reason to force yourself into a lonely Christmas because your so isn’t interested in it. He’s an adult and old enough to make his own decisions. If he was a child, you’d likely arrange Christmas (assuming it wouldn’t actively distress him’ and take him. If he was a child, he’d not have a choice, now he does.

zingally · 20/11/2018 08:11

I'd go... But 4 days seems like an awful long time... I haven't seen if you've mentioned where your friend is, but unless she's literally abroad, I think 4 days is excessive.

Perhaps you could leave your house Christmas eve afternoon, and return home after boxing day lunch? Then you've got all the best bits of Christmas, but are only away 2 nights.

Original poster
pinkbobbles · 20/11/2018 08:16

Thank you.

Friend is abroad - it’s not a long flight but still it does mean that flights are limited hence the four days.

I do feel very torn but ultimately too guilty leaving him ... DS can be very misleading in that he seems fine and then has ‘episodes’ whiz tend to manifest themselves in wandering around somewhere dangerous shouting Hmm

They are infrequent, there have only been two this year, but there it is.

OP posts:
chocatoo · 20/11/2018 08:20

Definitely go. You deserve a nice time.

INeedNewShoes · 20/11/2018 08:25

You said that your DS doesn't do the Christmas thing at all. That suggests to me that to him it won't be any different you leaving him another time but the difference to you will be great. You are allowed to enjoy Christmas and I understand the wish to be with your friends and have a more Christmassy celebration.

You are allowed to enjoy yourself. It sounds like your DS will be perfectly fine.

Please at least talk to him about it.

bookmum08 · 20/11/2018 08:31

This is just an idea....
If you don't think you can leave him but do want the day to feel more Christmasy for you have you thought about going to a local community Xmas dinner event. You don't have be a volunteer - you can just go for the actual meal and what not. My local Salvation Army does a Christmas Dinner for anyone who wants to go. You will only be out for a few hours - and you get some Christmas fun and to socialise.

ReadMyLipss · 20/11/2018 08:38

Up until your last post my opinion was, that if you won't go now when he's a 20 year old adult then you will never be able to go and will forever be his carer, so you must go. Especially if you've left him in the past for the same amount of time and he's been fine.

Your last post where you mention his 'episodes' sound like more than just autism especially high functioning autism. After that update I feel that I'm not qualified to give advice, as it sounds a bit more serious.

MrsJayy · 20/11/2018 08:53

If there is a chance he could have a meltdown I would take him with me just incase

ErickBroch · 20/11/2018 09:21

My brother is autistic, also suffers with anxiety and depression. I would not be able to leave him alone for 4 days I would be out of my mind - especially at that time of year.

Is there any way he can come but still be allowed to have his own space? So your friends are aware of the situation and wouldn't mind if he chilled out in a spare room with a book or game etc. and wouldn't find it rude?

bookmum08 · 20/11/2018 09:23

Or another idea. If your daughter is working what is the boyfriend doing at Xmas. Could he hang out with your son? (boyfriend like might an excuse to spend Xmas day playing playstation and eating pizza).

MickHucknallspinkpancakes · 20/11/2018 09:25

I would go for a couple of days. Maybe two not four?

How far away is your friend op?

You can keep in contact by phone I presume?

gotmybigbootson · 20/11/2018 12:39

Your last post where you mention his 'episodes' sound like more than just autism especially high functioning autism. After that update I feel that I'm not qualified to give advice, as it sounds a bit more serious.

Um, sounds exactly like autism to me.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 20/11/2018 12:55

I’m going against the majority but I wouldn’t go abroad for 4 days and leave your DS over Christmas. You won’t be able to get back easily if there is a problem, especially if flights aren’t frequent.