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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DS alone over Christmas?

112 replies

pinkbobbles · 19/11/2018 18:20

DS is 20 and he lives with me. He had autism (high functioning to a point) and adhd.

DS has never been into Christmas, at all. I have to admit I have been absolutely dreading it this year, we have no other family apart from another adult child who is working and living with her boyfriend.

One of my friends has invited me to spend Christmas with her, DS is invited but I know he won’t go. I suppose I’m wondering if I should just go anyway ... don’t flame me, just trying to weigh it up.

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 19/11/2018 19:37

could you invite the friend to youra or go just for one or two nights rather than 4?

there is nothing wrong with you going if he is invited and chooses not to come but I just womder if you will be able to enjoy it

mumsastudent · 19/11/2018 19:41

another with an adult within spectrum - ask him again make sure he takes on board you intend going - than - ask him if he wants any special food in (order on line!) & check if he wants any new CD s ring him each day (not to early!!!!) & perhaps leave some gifts if he is in to them (amazon our friend!) BUT go GO!!! you find that those of us with dc within the spectrum say the same!!! but check with friend that if son does change mind at last minute they will be flexible . Most of our dc have slow processing speed & any changes or decisions take longer to work through so let him work this through

RomanyRoots · 19/11/2018 19:42

I wouldn't go at Christmas if he has depression.
People can be quite emotional at Christmas, even those who don't like it.

Any other time I wouldn't worry me.

Blendingrock · 19/11/2018 19:45

Talk to your son. If he's happy to be on his own for 4 days, and you are happy that he will be safe, I'd go. No point in you both being miserable if it can be avoided.

WomanOfTime · 19/11/2018 19:46

I think you should go.

I have ASD and a history of anxiety and depression. Christmas is not a great time for me and I was a bit older than your son when I decided it was acceptable to turn down invitations and spend the day alone. I lived with my dad at the time and he worried a bit at first about leaving me alone 'at Christmas' - but I really don't have the same feelings about Christmas as most people, or care what the social conventions surrounding it are. I'm much happier on my own.

In recent years I've started hosting a small celebration on Christmas Eve - just my dad and siblings - so that I can 'do Christmas' without all the pressure of the day itself. Just a meal, drinks and a movie. Then they go off to bigger celebrations on Christmas Day while I stay indoors. Is this something your son might like? (Doesn't have to be Christmas Eve, movie doesn't have to be about Christmas - just a nice family thing together so that you don't feel bad about leaving him alone on the day).

Obviously all people with ASD are different and your son might not feel the way I do but I thought I'd share my experience in case it's helpful.

BagelGoesWalking · 19/11/2018 19:53

I have absolutely no experience or wisdom in these matters but ...

  • could any of his friends pop in once a day (without it leading to a house party with 1000s of people invading your house)
  • if not a friend of his age.m, then a relative or friend (of yours) he knows well
  • could you make it 2-3 days rather than 4
  • how long would it take you to get back if needed
Chucky16 · 19/11/2018 19:55

Definitely go away but does it have to be for 4 days? Could you not compromise and say leave on Christmas Eve and back on either Boxing Day or 27th?
Then you don’t have so much time being away to worry about!

Original poster
pinkbobbles · 19/11/2018 19:56

To be honest he doesn’t really have any friends who would pop in. My DD will but will be working.

I’d be going abroad Sad

I think I’m going to have to stay with him Sad

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 19/11/2018 20:01

Is there any way he could go to your friend's, with you, for just one or two days and then come home early by himself?

Original poster
pinkbobbles · 19/11/2018 20:01

He wouldn’t go at all and there’s no way he could make his own way back alone.

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 19/11/2018 20:13

Obviously I am not in your shoes, but I don't think I could leave him. Could you plan some treats for yourself (nice M&S Xmas goodies, good book or two, plans some films, etc) and then go away in the NY as a treat for yourself and something to look forward to.

Why go away in the NY instead, what difference does it make? He doesn’t enjoy Christmas at all. It’s like saying don’t go on a Tuesday, but I think Sunday would be ok.

OP this may have been answered as I skim read but do you buy him new things for Christmas? Does he eat Christmas dinner (do you make Christmas dinner even for just you?) If he has zero interest I would say go if you think he would be ok.

RudolphsJinglingBalls · 19/11/2018 20:17

@pinkbobbles honestly, just go! Find out what local community events are going on for him if he has a last minute change of mind. Our community centre is doing xmas dinner and we also have a local cafe that delivers a full xmas dinner on xmas eve and it just needs reheating. Maybe something like that could work?

otherwise I would consider the services of a private carer. Get him to meet them first and just have them pop in every day to make sure he has eaten and is ok. It really is important to make contingency plans so that you can have your own life. You are 100% entitled to enjoy yourself and he seems happy for you to go and do it. So come to a compromise and have somebody come check in on him or be on call.

Fogartyboggarty · 19/11/2018 20:22

My son is on the autistic spectrum too, also high functioning. He is only 11 at the moment but he is always at his best when he is left to his everyday routine and has plenty of time alone to 'reset' and not be overwhelmed. It's taken a while for us to get that Christmas and events in general are hard for him and, rather than having the significance it does for us, it's these times he finds the most difficult. I suspect that when he is your son's age a Christmas alone will be his idea of heaven! As long as he knows he is welcome and he can usually cope alone don't let the fact it is Christmas sway your decision- if he's anything like my son it will have no relevance, in your position I would go and you can have the Christmas that you want and he can have a pressure free, quiet time . I hope you have a lovely Christmas whatever you decide to do.

HollowTalk · 19/11/2018 20:25

OP, does he cope well with being on his own? Would he take care of himself and be safe?

Is his depression worse if he's alone?

IHaveBrilloHair · 19/11/2018 20:27

Go, OP.
Go and enjoy yourself, it'll do you good.

zebra · 19/11/2018 20:41

YANBU. I'm on the spectrum and dread Christmas every year. Sparkly things everywhere, crowds of people, noise, nothing happening when it normally does, my orderly little life all over the place. I'd love to be able to opt out. Let him!

Cheeeeislifenow · 19/11/2018 20:45

Ask him op... I am sure he doesn't want you sitting at home miserable for his benefit. Ask his sister to check in once per day, you ring once per day, favourite food and hobbies at hand.. emergency money. he is 20. Time for you to begin your life.b

Original poster
pinkbobbles · 19/11/2018 21:11

Thank you.

In all honesty he will be depressed, not exactly because I am not there but he will find it hard I think. I don’t know!

OP posts:
EvaHarknessRose · 19/11/2018 21:13

Go, OP. Make this your new tradition.

Fogartyboggarty · 19/11/2018 21:16

I've just seen your post about staying at home Sad
I would urge you to look again at the replies, most of the people saying to stay at home are coming at it from an 'NT' perspective. All the responses suggesting you go are from people with direct experience of autism- both personal and as parents/carers.
If you would usually be happy to leave him at home alone for 4 days then please don't let the fact it's Christmas have any influence on your decision, it will genuinely mean very little to him.

Dotty1970 · 19/11/2018 21:25

Definitely Go!

SleightOfMind · 19/11/2018 21:35

I’m going to leave my NT 17yr old at home for three nights over Xmas this year.

We have to go to my sister’s this year and he’d hate it. He’s begged to be left here and would point blank refuse to come anyway.

He’s very sensible and will have the dogs to keep him company. He’ll have a few friends over for dinner on Xmas eve and I’ve booked a shopping delivery of treat food etc for him.

I was conflicted about leaving him too but I’ve remembered how much I hated being dragged to family stuff at his age and how much I loved being home alone.

He has much younger siblings (similar in age to child) and would hate a big fat kiddie Xmas.

I’ll really miss him though Sad

SleightOfMind · 19/11/2018 21:35

similar in age to Dsis’s Child

BagelGoesWalking · 19/11/2018 23:36

You said DD will be working - even on Christmas Day? And evenings? Or does she live too far away to make it reasonable?

gotmybigbootson · 20/11/2018 02:43

Yes I said 'go' as someone with close knowledge of an autistic family member.

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