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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DS alone over Christmas?

112 replies

pinkbobbles · 19/11/2018 18:20

DS is 20 and he lives with me. He had autism (high functioning to a point) and adhd.

DS has never been into Christmas, at all. I have to admit I have been absolutely dreading it this year, we have no other family apart from another adult child who is working and living with her boyfriend.

One of my friends has invited me to spend Christmas with her, DS is invited but I know he won’t go. I suppose I’m wondering if I should just go anyway ... don’t flame me, just trying to weigh it up.

OP posts:
Bumbelinadance · 19/11/2018 19:00

Oh lovely
My Ds has high functioning Asd
He is 12
He hates the annual family party ( admittedly not on Xmas day ) , just too much sensory processing overload and my relatives are lovely, kind but “ bumptious “ people ( rampant piss up with inevitable fall out between somebody/ Teary skeleton in closet makeup from last years drama)
This year I have agreed to his not going ... he is going to “hang out “ with a freind instead . I am going to say he has a school event to stop the questions and usual “ oh bless “ accompanied by head tilted on shoulder “ but he is so good at maths , poor you “ face

Christmas is perhaps just another day to him and that’s ok I think
So much importance placed on it in this country methinks
I lived overseas for 15 Years so it was always just a get together meal at a restaraunt with other ex pats and a skive off work day . Low key fun ,didn’t require a months build up of shit songs and credit card debt

Would it be ok with your freind if your son is given the option of changing his mind at the last minute. I get that’s tricky with catering but my Freinds ( not my family ) have always amazed me with the allowances they have made

Can you set your lovely chap up with “ peace and quiet stuff “ , movies etc and you go socialise knowing he is happy and he can call anytime for a chat

Bloody Christmas can be a right pain in the bum
I would rather go to a spa then Order take out but it’s all closed

CarolDanvers · 19/11/2018 19:02

No I wouldn't.

HollowTalk · 19/11/2018 19:02

If he would be happy enough left on his own for a few days, then I would definitely go. And I'd do that quite often, too.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/11/2018 19:02

I'd ask: "You know, XXX has invited us to spend Xmas with her. I think it sounds nice. I'd like to go, would you want to?"

I think this lets him know that you're both invited, you like the idea, but that he's free to say no.

christmaschristmaschristmas · 19/11/2018 19:04

Hm I'm torn - is there no way you could go for less time?

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 19/11/2018 19:05

From what you have said here I can't see any reason why you shouldn't go. He is an adult, who could come with you if he wanted to, and doesn't enjoy celebrating Christmas. Go and have fun!

MemoryOfSleep · 19/11/2018 19:07

Just go, OP. He's fine on his own and Christmas means nothing to him.

Missingstreetlife · 19/11/2018 19:08

Go, for goodness sake. You can phone him. Can somebody near be available in case of unforeseen emergency (power cut say) or could you get back if desperate? I think he will be fine, people are attributing feeelings to him without reason. Just be sure he can handle stuff. Enjoy.

Glowerglass · 19/11/2018 19:09

Go. He knows his own mind and doesn't want to go with you. You could maybe cut it short if you don't want to leave him that long.

Dollymixture22 · 19/11/2018 19:11

I think you should go. If he doesn’t enjoy Christmas then you hanging about the house trying for force Christmas cheer on him is probably as miserable for him as it is for you.

He is invited - you aren’t abandoning him. Stock up the house with his favourite food, leave him some surprise gifts and head off.

Have a wonderful time.

Umbongointhejungle · 19/11/2018 19:12

Totally fine

Chouetted · 19/11/2018 19:15

From what you've said, it sounds like leaving him to his own devices would be the best thing for both of you.

If he's twenty and isn't into Christmas, it's unlikely he'll appreciate being jollied along with enforced goodies and films like some previous posters have suggested.

But, let him know you've both invited, and offer him the choice of going or staying alone.

If you've left him alone before, I genuinely don't see why it being Christmas should change anything - unless he wants to catch a train, as no trains ever run on Christmas Day. Otherwise it's just a normal bank holiday type day these days.

Original poster
pinkbobbles · 19/11/2018 19:17

Thank you. A mix of responses, oh no! I wanted a majority! Grin

I will have a think - he is high functioning and has been left before and was okay but he does have terrible anxiety and depression and a few other issues too.

OP posts:
BottleOfJameson · 19/11/2018 19:17

I may have missed it but if you stay at home would your DD visit or does she have other plans regardless of what you do? I think if it's a case if your DS seriously not caring about xmas I'd just flat out ask him. You say you know he won't want to come, what will he say if you ask him whether he's bothered about having xmas at home? If he's definitely not bothered and your DD isn't going to be home anyway then go and enjoy yourself. Maybe plan a nice day with DS doing something that he enjoys before you go.

BottleOfJameson · 19/11/2018 19:18

Sorry missed the anxiety and depression :(. Would that be exacerbated by your going away?

BiddyPop · 19/11/2018 19:21

As a parent of a DD with HF ASD and ADHD, (only 12 yet but...), my take on this is:

You have already been away without him, so you know he can cope.

You know he is invited and will make sure to ask him.

You know he doesn't like Christmas and just wants a quiet day.

But you also would like a chance to enjoy a "proper" Christmas for a change.

The clincher part of it for me is the first point above - you've gone away before and he's fine. You are absolutely NOT abandoning your DS. You are putting his interests before your own.

I think that, for a change, this is one time where you actually CAN put your interests first. He is invited, but won't want to go, and can manage fine himself.

So go, let your hair down and enjoy the Christmas that you want to enjoy.

OK, yes, definitely make sure DS is set up beforehand with food he will like (HE will like - that may have nothing to do with festive treats and alll to do with beige food or microwave noodles, or just a fridge full of cheese) and options of things to do. Leave him a Christmas present if he would like that. And the usual, emergency contacts (which probably includes the local favourite takeaway that he can get to or delivers), talked through the routines and "what to do if..." stuff.... And probably some emergency cash as well.

Have a wonderful time.

allhdghd · 19/11/2018 19:22

bottle

What DD?

GlitterPixie · 19/11/2018 19:26

Invite him even if you know he’ll say no but I’d definitely go myself

3out · 19/11/2018 19:30

DD, the OPs other adult child @allhdghd :)

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/11/2018 19:32

If you would be fine any other time of year with it but are having a wobble because it is Xmas then go. You are thinking about the Xmas you have invested in, which isnt the Xmas he cares about. As you say, its just another day to him so what difference does it make?

If you have concerns about leaving him alone at all then dont go, but it doesnt sound like you do.

3out · 19/11/2018 19:32

I’m not sure I could go for 4 days, but our kids are young so I’ve not reached that stage yet. I wouldn’t worry about Christmas, it’s not a special event for him so it’s no different to being alone any other day.

onefootinthegrave · 19/11/2018 19:33

OP what about going for 2 days instead of 4?

Then you'd have a lovely time with your friends, which you deserve, without worrying too much. And if you've left him before, you know he'll be OK for 2 days.

Bluetrews25 · 19/11/2018 19:34

Go! And enjoy yourself. I'm sure he can phone you if he has a problem. The day means nothing to him and he is fine alone. He's not a 5 year old!

allhdghd · 19/11/2018 19:36

Sorry I totally missed that!

RudolphsJinglingBalls · 19/11/2018 19:36

I am in a very similar situation. My ASD son is 19 and while he tries (at my insistence) to join in family events he manages for 15-30 minutes and then needs to go home. He will go on holiday only if it is to a country he has not previously visited. He does not celebrate or ask for fuss on his birthday and spends 10 minutes unwrapping gifts with his siblings and then disappears back to his room. He doesn't choose to spend time in the communal spaces unless he is doing chores or its a pre arranged thing.

This year I was invited to go abroad for some xmas markets but it fell on his birthday. He is thrilled, urged me to book it and said to put his birthday money in the bank and that's fine. I will get him some nice ready meals in and he can drive to maccys so he is perfectly happy. I do not doubt that I will be spending Christmas away from him within a few years as I am very social and he hates it.

Go, enjoy your time away.