The tale of the toxic bridesmaid

[grincheux]

NC for this.

I'm tangled up in a toxic friendship. It's coming to a head, and I'm not sure how to handle it. Apologies in advance, this might go on a bit...

Friend in question is the sort of person who is 'the constant' in every shitty situation which happens to her. Her life is a mess, largely engineered by herself, she falls out with just about everyone she meets and as a result doesn't have many friends and has cut contact with her own family, and tries to disconnect her partner from his own family. She's incredibly moody and manipulative, but I've stuck by her for years and been her only friend and support, which unfortunately means I'm also on the receiving end of that bad bits. I should make it clear that we are "close" - we see each other once a week etc.

She and her partner got engaged a few years ago after their DD was born. I've had five dates in my calendar for her wedding now over the last few years, none of which have actually happened. Cue plenty of time spent wasted looking at wedding venues and suppliers which she never actually intended to book. This year, she settled for a date over a year away and sent out save the dates. She then magnanimously announced to me that she "wouldn't be angry if I got married before her". I wasn't even engaged.

Fast forward a bit. DP and I are now engaged (hooray!) and are getting married... A few months before her. Our circumstances are completely different, we want to start a family and would prefer to be married first, you get the picture. When I told her we'd got engaged, she didn't sound as excited as a lot of other friends. She made it clear that her primary concern was my availability to help her organise her wedding now. I felt like I had to ask her to be a bridesmaid because she'd kick off if I didn't (it's highly unpleasant when she does, weeks of the silent treatment, snarky texts and strops). She doesn't get on with any of the other bridesmaids (or my family... or friends... see where this is going...) and has already upset several other people in our wedding party. On Friday night she rang me to complain about the other bridesmaids and threatened not to come to the wedding. She changed her tune when I told her that was "a shame but up to her". Same again when she said she was going to cancel her own wedding because "this is all too much" (I haven't actually asked her to do or organise anything).

She's been 'off' with me this week for no apparent reason and after messages from other friends asking what her problem is - I've finally had enough. I feel like I've almost been gaslighted by this woman for years and I've finally seen what a pain in the arse she is, and now she's putting me on edge about my wedding as well. I realise this is partly my own fault for carrying on pandering to her for as long as I have but it's too much now. She's upsetting me, and now my other friends.

AIBU to want to completely cut contact with this person? I don't even want her at the wedding for fear of her either sulking in a corner or causing some sort of scene... Far less than having her as a bridesmaid. I know what I want to do, I'm just not sure how to go about it. Whatever I do or say, I'm pretty sure she's going to be vile about it. Please help MMers.

then you've made the right move

Six it is called self preservation, grinch knows that the ex friend will not take it lightly and is not the apologetic type, she just does not want the mountain of abuse that this person will give her. She has to put her well being first.

I agree in this situation it's sink or swim there's no middle ground and no one who's going to be this unreasonable is worth the hassle

I completely agree. I had just wanted to point out that what feels good now, might not feel that good down the line to let the OP consider different views and options. Even if the friend is a pain in the butt she's been her pain in the butt for a long time and whilst these things are often like 'yay' at the time you've done it - eventually you're likely to miss some aspect of them, I'd imagine.
Weddings heighten everyone's emotions and just uninviting her to the wedding and saying you don't want to be friends might have done the trick. Mute the chat, or hide the notifications for a bit but she'll know now she's been blocked.
After the weddings the friendship may have been restored to a different level or different type. i.e. someone you see once a month, don't talk to as often, and get only the bits you liked about them. They'll also know they're not as close to you as they thought they were and there's a line that you're not prepared to let them cross since the uninviting was a massive enough thing. That's all surely good stuff and doesn't hurt either party as much as I felt like this might.

I got rid of a very toxic “friend” in June. I did an intervention confronting her bad behaviour. Have her an opportunity to explain herself and she lied her way through it. As expected she has been spreading rumours about me and making out she’s a victim of my bullying after treating my self and 3 others really badly. I expected it. Some people don’t speak to me as a result of it. That hurts but the refleif of not having her around, dramatising, involved and manipulating situations is worth it. Wish I’d done it sooner. That kind of person isn’t going to lie down. Expect the worst and know that sooner or later everyone will realise what she’s like if they don’t already. Those who know her will probably congratulate you on cutting loose.

Cut her off and don't look back.

thesix I don't think op will miss any aspect of this 'friendship', it did not sound like this woman was a good friend, and op was scared of her, that she was treading on eggshells and disliked being around her. There are experiences of Mumsnetters who have done similar to op with their toxic friends, and they have never been happier, like a weight off their shoulders. This has been a long time coming it seems, and it took this wedding thing for it to finally come to a head, as it has been brewing for a long time. Already op feels much happier, and that speaks volumes. Op did not sound like she particularly liked her, or wanted to be around her, she was too afraid to rock the boat, and like an abusive relationship she has just cut things dead with this ex friend. Sometimes it is the only way.

Six you may think it's kinder to kept his woman dangling taking smaller steps back minimising the friendship - but it doesn't work like that -

You only do that to make yourself feel better - not to hurt someone s feelings. But that's worse -

Re what thesix has said: there is no point giving these sorts of people chances, or appealing to their better nature, as they don't have one. There is a certain sort that you have to just block and move on because they will continue to suck the life out of you otherwise. OP has been giving her second chances for as long as they've been friends by the sounds of it. The "friend" is not going to reflect and change.

If she learns from the experience, she can go and get herself some new friends with her new found wonderful-ness, can't she!

I recently cut someone off who I've been in a toxic cycle with. Years of her attacking me verbally, me making excuses and forgiving her etc, she never changed and attacked me more viciously when I told her how her behaviour made me feel.

Hmm, I think the opposite - ghosting makes that person who has done it feel better by avoiding any emotional discomfort. I don't think it's ever beneficial for the other person and I believe it would be extremely traumatic for anyone.
The actual deed is done - the person has been uninvited to a wedding and asked not to be a bridesmaid anymore. Those alone are huge and I don't see any dangling bits of information after that.

Sorry OP, I'm not going to hijack your post any further and I 100% am not trying to make you feel bad. You're in the middle of this and you know your friendship and friend and you've done what's best for your actual circumstance - I can only ever say hypothetically!

The thing is Thesix if op hadent blocked her, she wou,d probably have recieved a mountain of abuse so woukd need to block her anyway.

@thesix thank you so much for all your replies though - it really has been helpful to look at it differently and play devil's advocate with it. I guess in a way I am being selfish, blocking her to preserve my own feelings, but I've also taken enough crap over the years to feel I kind of deserve the peace and quiet now and that her replies wouldn't be constructive.

As expected, no reply and no blowback at all with any of my friends (yet). Hopefully she's not interested now I've put my foot down and won't be pushed around any more.

Meanwhile the rest of our friends and family are over the bloody moon she's out the picture, which is a bit embarrassing as I feel like keeping her around for as long as I did reflected on me and my shitty choice of company 😂

I would agree with you about the ghosting/blocking, @thesix, if it was the first time the OP has ever tried to raise the issue of the bride’s behaviour with her - but it isn’t.

As she says in an earlier post, any attempt to raise any issues with this woman end up with her becoming hysterical, and the soap says there is no reasoning with her. I think the OP has given this woman plenty of chances, and is under no obligation to give her another.

She needs - and deserves - to put her own happiness and mental health first this time.

Ha ha! Nooo I am sure you're just a really, really good person (run with that one!)
Best of luck to you on all fronts!

This isn't ghosting. She gave ex friend a reason for the ending of the friendship. It's not subject to debate, it's over. OP has no need to listen to any more bullshit from her. So blocking is entirely sensible.

This isn't ghosting. She gave ex friend a reason for the ending of the friendship. It's not subject to debate, it's over. OP has no need to listen to any more bullshit from her. So blocking is entirely sensible.

This is so true. We're not talking about 'ghosting', the OP has actually explained to this woman why she's ended the friendship and then blocked her. It's not the same thing at all.

Well done. Onwards and upwards!

Well done @Grincheux!

Time to say cheerio. It will be painful but so much better in the long roll. I did similar ten years ago when I was 40. I can honestly say it was the best decision and I’ve been friend/angst free ever since.

You haven't just done the right thing for you... you've done all your genuine friends a favour as well. They must have been dreading dealing with Poison Bridesmaid.

I had a friend exactly the same, she's not been in my life for five years now and my life so so stress free and easy. Well done op

Have you heard anymore op?

@Blancheduppetitpois You have missed your calling ! You should be running an advice column, that is an excellent reply !

Yes toxic relationship makes you feel bad about yourself and waste your time and energy. You will have a clearer head and get on with your precious life. We all throw out a few bits now and then, why not friendship when it's not friendship anymore.