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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mum shaming

111 replies

crushedstrawberries · 18/11/2018 20:29

I'm not sure if this is in the wrong place so apologies if it is.

So today I was mum shamed for bottle feeding my DS. I was on a bench outside my local Tesco feeding him while an elderly lady set next to me. We were having polite chit chat, how old your baby is...yada yada... What she just blurted out something along the lines of 'if you bottle feed him, it'll damage his brain and he won't achieve anything in his life' I didn't know what to say to this lady. I just nodded in stunned silence.

I appreciate that breastfeeding is the best for your baby but what she doesn't know is that my DS has issues with latching onto my breast making breast feeding nearly impossible. I have instead been expressing breast milk and giving that to him in a bottle.

I don't know what I really wanted from this thread apart from venting as it's been circling in my head since this morning.

Has anyone else been mum shamed for something completely absurd?

OP posts:
MaryJenson · 20/11/2018 08:14

lalalemon

My MIDWIFE told me that if I to formula feed my baby thry would end up obese like her because she was formula fed!

😂😂

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 20/11/2018 08:30

Argh, how interfering and rude.

Fed is best....It's no one else's business how you choose to go about that!

SlippedMyIdiom · 20/11/2018 08:39

That's horrid. I'm sorry that happened to you. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone so I wouldn't go down that road. If you can manage it, I would perhaps explain the FACTS so she doesn't go judging other people. That could be breast milk in that bottle for all she knows(!)
If you're feeling viscous, politely respond with "Oh, so you were formula fed then?"

scaryteacher · 20/11/2018 08:55

I just point out that my formula fed baby (23) has got a First in History and an MA (passed with a Merit) if anyone says formula fed children don't achieve.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/11/2018 09:02

What an interferring so and so. I would have just told her to mind her own business.

FrenchJunebug · 20/11/2018 09:29

I was bottle feeding my child to as I had no milk and he was seriously tongue tied. I was often shamed about it by various strangers. It hurts but you are doing the right thing! I look at my 7 year old and his friends and seriously you cannot tell which one was breast fed and which were bottle fed. It's also a very British problem. Look at any French baby book and there is the same number of pages on both bottle and breast feeding with the emphasis on doing what is right for you and your family and child.

Breakyourselfagainstmystones · 20/11/2018 09:38

A lady once came up to me when I was in the school run.

I have long dark hair, she had short pillarbox red hair.

She touched my hair and said it was beautiful, I thanked her, then she said that she loved her kids too much to have long hair, she would rather spend time with them than mess about with her hair for hours.

I didn't say a word, I was gobsmacked.

It was only afterwards I thought of all the things I should have said, like her short hair probably took more effort than none since all I do is run a brush through it.

My conclusion is that people are weird and sometimes say weird things to make themselves feel better about their choices. We are just bystanders they use to inflate their own egos.

MrsReacher1 · 20/11/2018 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

notacooldad · 20/11/2018 09:50

Forget all this ' shaming' talk.
Take the view that a lot of people talk shit and they are of no consequence to your life.
Nod, smile if you want, ignore and carry in doing what you are doing.
This applies to nearly everything in life.

nornironrock · 20/11/2018 10:01

You're all so polite!!!

My daughter was bottles, and at 12 is top or near top, of the class in everything. She also plays two instruments to a good standard, and is a fabulous young lady.

The breast feeding nazis should just fuck off. We've been subjected to them for years. As someone typed right near the start of this FED IS BEST.

For balance, son was breast fed and is also awesome!!!

SilkenTofu · 20/11/2018 10:39

Once someone from a new baby group phoned me up and told me all the other mums were talking and felt really sorry for me as my baby was so unhappy. He was screaming that day for some reason. He was about 2 weeks old. She then went on to recommend a book to me to make my baby happy. Funny how a health visitor we all used in the group said I was the most relaxed mum and coping better and as a result my baby was happy and doing really well.

Once, a few metres away from a breastfeeding friendly coffee shop, my baby was crying for food (he was regular, 4 hours on the dot for feeds and I was 5 mins late) and this woman came up to me and said I should take my baby to see a doctor because of his colic.

My dad used to say breastfeeding was bad for my baby and I should bottle feed him. Apparently Vera bottle feeds hers and I am doing it wrong. My baby was the chubbiest baby around so no problem with the BF'ing at all. He also told me that pureeing my own baby food was bad for DC because "baby food companies know what they are doing" and I should buy it in jars.

I am a terrible parent, clearly.

I learned to be confident in my own parenting and decisions. I know that if I was messing up my lovely, sensible DH would point it out to me. I just smiled and learned a few phrases "thanks, does she, thats interesting, thanks for letting me know" and then carried on doing what I am doing.

StoppinBy · 20/11/2018 12:39

@stealthpolarbear……. your comments gave me a good giggle.

Vampiratequeen · 20/11/2018 13:53

I remember my HV telling me to stop giving my DD in cups with kids as it will effect her speech, she was 2 at that point, wouldn't drink from a cup without a lid and she is advanced in her speech, always was.
Also both of mine were FF fed and are both advanced.
People will always tell you you are doing something wrong, it is easier to ignore as you little one gets bigger and you can see that they are clearly wrong and that what you are doing is right for YOUR child.

sollyfromsurrey · 20/11/2018 21:33

Facts:breastfeeding is best, formula feeding is better than no feeding, formula won't damage a child, some people can't breast feed, some people don't want to breastfeed.

The only fact I take issue with is that some people don't breastfeed because they just don't want to. This is a selfish and ignorant behaviour that has no place in parenting. But other than that, it's not really anyone else's place to comment at Mother's feeding babies.

halfwitpicker · 20/11/2018 21:36

I'd have replied with 'ya think?'

None of her Blardy business

halfwitpicker · 20/11/2018 21:36

The only fact I take issue with is that some people don't breastfeed because they just don't want to. This is a selfish and ignorant behaviour that has no place in parenting. But other than that, it's not really anyone else's place to comment at Mother's feeding babies.

^

Oh boy....

sunshineandshowers21 · 20/11/2018 21:37

never ever in my life have i been ‘mum shamed,’ nor do i know anybody who has. is this actually a common accurence ‘cause i see it all the time on here!

Breakyourselfagainstmystones · 20/11/2018 21:40

The only fact I take issue with is that some people don't breastfeed because they just don't want to. This is a selfish and ignorant behaviour that has no place in parenting. But other than that, it's not really anyone else's place to comment at Mother's feeding babies

So other than commenting calling people who don't want to breastfeed selfish and ignorant you don't think it's anyone's place to comment? Confused

Different families make different choices for different reasons. You have no right to call anyone selfish and certainly no right to call anyone ignorant considering the ignorance you've just displayed.

C8H10N4O2 · 20/11/2018 21:57

Not trying to jump to conclusions but she could have alzeimers/dementia

Crikey, I'd like to see your efforts when you are actually trying to jump to conclusions.

We don't even know what "elderly" is in this context and since I've seen it described as 30+ on some threads its entirely possible that she was part of the swinging 60s or a punk from the 70s.

Shazafied · 21/11/2018 06:06

@sollyfromsurrey
I think you might be on the wrong thread.

Birdie6 · 21/11/2018 07:09

I'm in my 60's so yes I was part of that "formula is fine" movement. Which was good for me since I had no desire to breast feed. Both my kids were exclusively formula fed on S 26, and both of them now are grammar school teachers , so no lack of brain development there. They were the first two people in my family to attend university and both did really well. It doesn't matter what you feed your baby on, if they are loved and given opportunities they'll do well.

FrenchJunebug · 21/11/2018 10:16

I also got mum shamed because I dared buying non-blue clothes for my baby son! I kid you not!

Lunalula · 21/11/2018 10:18

I was mum shamed by a midwife hours after I'd given birth to my dd!

Trampire · 21/11/2018 10:22

I've never really been shamed for ff to be honest.

I've had crazy comments though, and yes always from old people.

Outside a shop once I was talking to a friend and my dd was playing 'in and out' of some yellow bars in the shape of a bike outside a bike shop (perfectly safe Street 'art' type thing designed to be used etc). An old man came up to me and said "for God's sake! You people! Just take your child to the park!!" He walked off before I could respond.

I was gob smacked.

Also, as I was walking along with dd in a buggy (about 2) she was having a tantrum. An elderly lady said to me "goodness me! She's hungry why don't you feed her!" And tutted off.

My dcs are teens now. People are weird and rude. You just have to shrug it off.

Trampire · 21/11/2018 10:24

I forgot one.

Once a man in the street stopped me to tell me I was 'damaging' my child's mental health because I didn't have a buggy that faced me. Dd was about 18 months at the time.

Now nearly 14, we're very close. I like think that's to spite himGrin

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