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Original poster

Mum shaming

111 replies

crushedstrawberries · 18/11/2018 20:29

I'm not sure if this is in the wrong place so apologies if it is.

So today I was mum shamed for bottle feeding my DS. I was on a bench outside my local Tesco feeding him while an elderly lady set next to me. We were having polite chit chat, how old your baby is...yada yada... What she just blurted out something along the lines of 'if you bottle feed him, it'll damage his brain and he won't achieve anything in his life' I didn't know what to say to this lady. I just nodded in stunned silence.

I appreciate that breastfeeding is the best for your baby but what she doesn't know is that my DS has issues with latching onto my breast making breast feeding nearly impossible. I have instead been expressing breast milk and giving that to him in a bottle.

I don't know what I really wanted from this thread apart from venting as it's been circling in my head since this morning.

Has anyone else been mum shamed for something completely absurd?

OP posts:
Mamaogden · 20/11/2018 06:31

You have to grow a thick skin. Now you’re a mum people will delight in telling you you are doing it wrong. I have walked past mums and wanted to tell them they are doing it right as a counterbalance but I’m stopped by the whole what do I know? And its one of my bidinesd

Mamaogden · 20/11/2018 06:32

*none of my business, so mums probably think I’m judging them even if I say nothing

SilverLining10 · 20/11/2018 06:34

Agree with worra.

Fgs it's one comment from one person you dont even know. How do you manage with other peoples opinions. Does every little thing become a big issue for you op.

gamerwidow · 20/11/2018 06:34

Everyone will always have an opinion about your parenting be confident in your own choices and ignore them. My DD was BF and is no genius at school it makes no difference whatsoever at an individual level.

gamerwidow · 20/11/2018 06:36

How do you manage with other peoples opinions. Does every little thing become a big issue for you op.
I’m sure the OP manages just fine with other people’s opinions. This is not another opinion it’s someone singling her out and being rude to her which is always shocking. It’s s not like if I went up to someone and said you’re fat and ugly. Just my opinion but it’ll still upset them.

gamerwidow · 20/11/2018 06:37

*its not like =it’s like

SilkenTofu · 20/11/2018 06:39

'if you bottle feed him, it'll damage his brain and he won't achieve anything in his life'

I would have replied, "Oh dear, is that what happened to you?"

RiddleyW · 20/11/2018 06:40

I would just feel sorry for her she sounds quite unwell. Like the lady on the bus that shouts at people for being sinners. It’s not actually anything to do with infant feeding.

AuntieStella · 20/11/2018 06:41

An "elderly" woman approached me when breastfeeding, and told me how lovely it was to see.

Don't confuse someone's age with a relevant quality to behaving like a shit.

This person could have been any age, and would still have been an ill-inoed nast piece of work. Unfortunately such people exist, and you had the bad luck to meet one. Only thing you can do now is put it behind you as quickly and firmly as you can.

Booie09 · 20/11/2018 06:50

It was a rude comment just move on!!

OllyBJolly · 20/11/2018 06:56

I don't think this is a FF vs BF thing. Many people just feel they can comment on your parenting. I've had people tell me to pick my baby up when she was crying and it was cruel, to put her down when she was crying as I was spoiling her, she wasn't dressed warmly enough, she would be far too hot in that outfit, asked why she's so fat, asked if she had special needs because she wasn't walking at 12 months and on and on and on. These were mainly strangers but sometimes other mums.

I have never knowingly commented on anyone else's parenting choices.

TheSerenDipitY · 20/11/2018 06:58

you should have adopted a more clinical tone and said "yes, i can see you were obviously bottle fed, trust me it shows"

Grumpbum123 · 20/11/2018 06:59

Yes, after stopping bf due to not having enough breast tissue to produce milk, which I found heart breaking as I really wanted to BF. My H and I ventured to Starbucks for the first time we had taken our child out. He wanted feeding I got a bottle sorted to then hear a group of mums with their older babies discuss me and how I was obviously too lazy to breastfeed as I was also a little overweight at the time and how my child would end up also fat and thick. I burst into tears and H finished giving him is bottle. I didn’t fed in public for about 4 months after this.

londonrach · 20/11/2018 07:06

Crumbs...she had loved me. I choose to ff and still think best thing i decided ever for dd. Never had a single comment just amazing support including hv who set up the sterlizer for me and showed me how to use it. Sooo simple to use and takes seconds but with a new born, no sleep i flapped. If i had another dc it also ff from birth too although i did express the beginning milk for a few days. Had friends who bf as best for them. None of us had any comments. All dc are the same doing what they should. Sounds like a random stranger

iIcouldsleepforaweek · 20/11/2018 07:08

I've had two occasions where old ladies have randomly asked me how I am feeding my DD whilst making small talk in public. I also had one take the dummy out her mouth and say 'you don't need that' 😟

I chose to FF as I just wanted to. No medical reason, just didn't want to breastfeed! When I told these ladies I was FFing I got a bit of a 'oh right..' look from both - I don't really care though. It doesn't actually matter what som random old lady thinks or says to me about how I feed my baby and you should be the same x

Sockwomble · 20/11/2018 07:12

Some people are too free with their stupid opinions. I used to get it quite often when ds was younger about him being in a buggy. They are best ignored.

brookshelley · 20/11/2018 07:19

Does making a nonsensical comment qualify as "mum shaming?" She sounds like she's starting to lose the plot honestly. It's one thing to say "Breast is best" but saying bottle fed babies never achieve anything in life - that's clearly nonsense so just ignore it.

mehimthem · 20/11/2018 07:22

I am a Mum to 3 adult sons & I really struggled with breast feeding my middle son, our 1st premmie. My MIL at the time urged me to bottle feed him (so to bring him home sooner, plus she could care for him I think) & I couldnt understand her attitude. I later learned that when my DH & his elder sister were born, she bottle fed them both from the start. They are currently 66 & 70 yrs respectively for date/year perspectives. Me, on the other hand (at 59) was breast fed for several months until my dear Mum couldnt keep up with how hungrey I was apparently. So, my point is, there is only 6 yrs ish b/w my DH & me, both born in the same place - but distinctly different attitudes to breast feeding. My SIL is also pretty disgusted with the whole breast feeding business too & couldnt understand why I wanted to perservere (I was more successful with our youngest, final, & another premmie son). It can be hard to decide what to do, when nearly everyone (else) has an opinion, but stick to what you & your baby need most (whether its from a bottle or a boob), milk with love. Flowers

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 20/11/2018 07:26

I breastfed one and formula fed my twins and got mum shamed for both!! It is nobodies business how you feed your baby.

hannah1992 · 20/11/2018 07:33

Not quite the same as you, but I breastfed my dd2 for 3 weeks. I'll admit i found it too hard. My dd1 was 5, dd2 fed alot and my DH went back to work (away Monday to friday) after 2 weeks so I was juggling everything alone with not alot of family support. So I switched to bottles. It was the best thing for ME as dd was more content slept longer so I could get things done, have a shower etc and spend time with dd1.

Anyway DHs grandma (lovely woman in her 80s) said to me when we went round for Xmas and DH did the bottle "Oh you've given up". I have to say she is a lovely woman and I don't think she meant it to sound the way it did but that made me feel awful.

Anyway, DH told me you haven't failed because both the kids are content, fed and warm and that's all they NEED.

You shouldn't have to explain yourself to anyone let alone a stranger

MaryJenson · 20/11/2018 07:38

You need to toughen up and learn to ignore or you’re going to find Motherhood a tough ride

RedSkyLastNight · 20/11/2018 07:50

Agree with others.
Random strangers will have an opinion on

  • breast or formula feeding (actually based on friends' experiences I think you get more negative remarks as a breastfeeder)
  • when you start solids
-what your child is wearing
  • how long their hair is
  • whether they are in a buggy or walking
  • is they are too hot/cold
  • if they are sitting up "enough"
  • how often you pick them up.

... you get the idea. And most of those are before your child is even 1!! Learn to smile, nod and ignore, or practice a one line response.
It is not mum shaming - is is "random stranger sharing my advice which for some reason I think is helpful".

lalalemon · 20/11/2018 07:51

My MIDWIFE told me that if I to formula feed my baby thry would end up obese like her because she was formula fed!

SayyyWhattttt123 · 20/11/2018 07:58

Op take no notice. I have felt judged many times... comments about my DS didn’t sleep well as he wasn’t getting enough milk from me, silent reflux was because I was feeding him to much, when I moved to formula at 6 months I felt judged that I’d stopped breastfeeding etc etc. I think when it’s our babies these type of comments can touch a nerve as we are just trying to do our best. There will always be someone giving ‘helpful’ advice that feels like a criticism, but I think the best option is ignore it and do whatever is best for you and your baby x

Wallsbangers · 20/11/2018 08:05

I've had comments from older people and mum's my own age/younger about FF. Also recently had comments about BLW. And about him not wearing/wearing a hat. It is never ending.

It's funny how no one's ever told my OH that he's a terrible dad for giving him a bottle of formulaHmm

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