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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not willing to help out my friends... AIBU?

90 replies

MandalaYogaTapestry · 18/11/2018 17:53

Got two great girl friends, we are all late 30s with kids. We used to meet up regularly and have a fab time just catching up, kids played together, etc.

Now in the past year there were a few occasions when I was going through a really tough time at work and wanted some friendly company. I would get in touch, suggest we get together but they were both busy, every time. I appreciate we all have hectic lives but that's what friends are for, no?

OK, I got over it, we are still friendly, been out together and all is good. But now and then I see posts on FB when one has been out for dinner with some other friend, and the other had people over or planned a trip away with another family. This kind of grated as they obviously do have time but choose to spend it with others. Fine, everyone is free to choose their company and as I said, we have not fallen out and have planned to go out in December (my invitation).

Now the dilemma is, that as a result, I am not really willing to do anything if they ask for a favour. One asked to get her tickets for a concert (i can do it through my hobby but don't like the band myself), the other regularly asks to look after her cat as she is away often. I used to have no problem doing that but now I just feel like "why don't you ask your other friends who you see more often than me as they seem to be closer to you than how you see me"?

It does not feel nice to be deliberately unhelpful but on the other hand I do resent helping if I only get quite a limited friendship in return. AIBU?

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 18/11/2018 17:55

So they’re users then? That use friendship to keep you doing favours for them?
Drop.

Hassled · 18/11/2018 17:56

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable. I suppose it depends how much you value the extent of the friendship you do still have - if saying you can't feed the cat means that the friendship deteriorates further, will you feel sad about that? Or not really care? Friendships do just ebb away sometimes - if the situation is making you feel shit, it's probably just not worth plugging away at.

SayNoToCarrots · 18/11/2018 17:57

I'd probably get the tickets if it isn't a big task for you, but I wouldn't look after the cat.

HebeJeeby · 18/11/2018 17:58

I think you should absolutely refuse to look after the cat/get tickets/anything else. You are right, let their other friends help out. I would feel the way you do in this instance.

TheBigBangRocks · 18/11/2018 17:58

That seems quite petty, what you are saying is that they can't go away with others or out for meals without inviting you otherwise you'll not order tickets etc.

I'd always help out a friend if i could and teach my children to do the same. It's not based on how often I see them as we all have different friends that we spend time with without each other.

Umbongointhejungle · 18/11/2018 18:00

Why don’t you just talk to them. Everyone gets caught up in life. And people are a bit thoughtless at times. They don’t know that you feel like this. Just tell them.
Don’t be so passive aggressive. You’ll be the only one that suffers

Bath9000 · 18/11/2018 18:00

Nope, nu at all, don’t bother with them.

ZenNudist · 18/11/2018 18:00

Yep no more favours for them. Dont make a big deal of it. Just too busy to look after cat (always have plans that weekend). Too busy to reply to message about tickets. Or be blunt and say that you are trying to simplify your life and only do favours which are reciprocated.

Thicker skin. Ditch em.

JacquesHammer · 18/11/2018 18:03

I think from your OP it depends. You said:-

Now in the past year there were a few occasions when I was going through a really tough time at work and wanted some friendly company. I would get in touch, suggest we get together but they were both busy, every time. I appreciate we all have hectic lives but that's what friends are for, no?

Did you specifically say “I’m struggling and need someone to talk to” or leave it as a casual “shall we meet up?”.

I don’t think you’re necessarily being unreasonable but of course they’re allowed to see each other without you.

I kind of guess it depends whether you do favours just because it’s a nice thing to do, or because you expect something in return.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/11/2018 18:03

I'd be upfront and tell them why you're miffed at them.

Original poster
MandalaYogaTapestry · 18/11/2018 18:08

Thanks so much for all the replies.

I don't need favours in return but I did want them to be available when I needed them. And I mentioned back then that I was going through a shit time at work. Guess I can be seen as someone who is always "fine" so maybe they didn't take it as something too serious.

OP posts:
Original poster
MandalaYogaTapestry · 18/11/2018 18:09

They are not users and I am genuinely fond of them. But I would love to spend more time with them. And if they can't/won't for whatever reason then why do I need to put in an effort to help them? Let's just keep it on a "casual meet" basis, no?

OP posts:
Umbongointhejungle · 18/11/2018 18:09

Why would anyone in life only do favours that are reciprocal. How do you even know when it will be reciprocated?
That’s a fucking depressing way to look at life.

Life changes, people wax and wain, if doesn’t mean they don’t care or they don’t want to be your friend.

I used to contact people in a nonchalant way, are you around for a drink? It was a bit hit and miss. But I learned that I needed to say “I need someone to talk to I’m struggling” everyone would be there in a heartbeat (if they aren’t when you do that then they’re really not your friend)

Original poster
MandalaYogaTapestry · 18/11/2018 18:17

To reiterate, I never do favours in the expectation of a return favour so that's an unfair assumption.

But if a friend is asking because they are friend and then over time it appears that it's not such a close friend then they shouldn't necessarily get it?

I do feel used because I'd rather spend more time with them, not just do something for them.

OP posts:
Umbongointhejungle · 18/11/2018 18:19

My post was for @ZenNudist
Not you op!!

Umbongointhejungle · 18/11/2018 18:20

But we cross posted!

Ignoramusgiganticus · 18/11/2018 18:23

It does sound a one way friendship.

Haven't you suddenly developed a bit of an allergy to cats?

Artofhappiness · 18/11/2018 18:24

I used to feel like that, and lost quite a few friendships from seething about it all. Now I have no expectations about that sort of thing and help others out when they ask because it makes me happy to be able to help. Much less stressful, makes for better and more balanced, genuine friendships.

abacucat · 18/11/2018 18:25

OP I find people who have friends and who are happier, try not to let petty things like this get to them.
If I am honest, lots of people have a shit week at work. If you contacted me and said could I go out for a drink as you had had a shit time at work, I would if I was free. But I would not cancel things. If you were really struggling, I would cancel things.
I am aware I say that as someone who has gone through a number of really shit things and have friends who have had the same. So they may simply not be taking your need to meet up as seriously as you think they should have.
If they would help you if you were really in need, then let this go.

Original poster
MandalaYogaTapestry · 18/11/2018 18:26

ignoramus I can say no to looking after a cat with a good reason.

But it doesn't resolve the problem of me not having much of their company. I just don't know if I can do anything about it.

If I bring it up it is bound to feel awkward. If they don't then they don't. And they shouldn't want to make an effort to see me just because I look after the goddamn cat.

OP posts:
Umbongointhejungle · 18/11/2018 18:35

JUST TALK TO THEM

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 18/11/2018 18:37

How many times would you say they get in touch just to see you versus how many times they get in touch to ask something of you?

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 18/11/2018 18:45

OP having 'a bad time at work' is pretty standard TBH...in my circle of friends that doesn't equal ='A get together where everyone drops everything/all other plans''....however if someone stated it was a real issue and there were tears involved, and needed to talk, plans would be made asap

If someone was in mental health crisis / any kind of illness - we would all be there whatever else was going on in our lives

Even suicidal people cannot always have friends available when they need them.

I think you need to talk to them. Guaranteed each of them has their own shit to deal with, and if a friend was arsey with me for not dropping everything for a work problem when i have spent the weekend sitting in hospital for an ill relative, id tell them to get fucked..its all perspective really - how massive your problem is

Original poster
MandalaYogaTapestry · 18/11/2018 18:54

airyfairy it was a pretty shit period. Tears, breakdown, taking antidepressants and meeting with HR. I would not ask if it were just a bad day.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 18/11/2018 18:57

Op - I think YABU. It's ok for friends to have other friends. I have great friends that I used to see all the time. But lives and priorities change. We see each other much less now, and have other friends we may see more, but we still have a history of fun and good times and remain good friends. When we see each other it's good.

Get the tickets if it's just a matter of a phone call etc. The cat thing.. well I would only do that if it was convenient to me. E.g. they lived next door.

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