Not willing to help out my friends... AIBU?

[MandalaYogaTapestry]

Got two great girl friends, we are all late 30s with kids. We used to meet up regularly and have a fab time just catching up, kids played together, etc.

Now in the past year there were a few occasions when I was going through a really tough time at work and wanted some friendly company. I would get in touch, suggest we get together but they were both busy, every time. I appreciate we all have hectic lives but that's what friends are for, no?

OK, I got over it, we are still friendly, been out together and all is good. But now and then I see posts on FB when one has been out for dinner with some other friend, and the other had people over or planned a trip away with another family. This kind of grated as they obviously do have time but choose to spend it with others. Fine, everyone is free to choose their company and as I said, we have not fallen out and have planned to go out in December (my invitation).

Now the dilemma is, that as a result, I am not really willing to do anything if they ask for a favour. One asked to get her tickets for a concert (i can do it through my hobby but don't like the band myself), the other regularly asks to look after her cat as she is away often. I used to have no problem doing that but now I just feel like "why don't you ask your other friends who you see more often than me as they seem to be closer to you than how you see me"?

It does not feel nice to be deliberately unhelpful but on the other hand I do resent helping if I only get quite a limited friendship in return. AIBU?

Its that lightbulb moment/moments when you realise friendships are one sided....

I was very very poorly fours years ago.....all the way through my illness my husband and I supported a friend and her daughter.....she never offered to look after my son ever (all the way through my illness and numerous operations)

There were a few lighbulb moments but the straw that broke the camels back was when this person heard I had been somewhere with another friend and our children....she actually phoned me and said her child had been alone all day while she was at work and that the daughter would have loved that activity so I should have checked before I left.
I decided that day that I would never do her anymore favours.

OP don't let people take you for granted....sometimes it feels good to say no

Definitely don't do the cat favour thing anymore. That's asking for a lot from a close friend. Or family who do a lot for you!!!

Tickets well I know it's a bit Petty but they really have not made the effort with you and I think it makes the point that they can't just pick you up when they want something and ignore you the rest of the time.

Personally I don't do favours expecting reciprocation. But I am confident enough to say no if the favour is too much to ask. Then again I don't cultivate the kind of friends who would ask for very big favours. For example I'm happy to water my neighbours garden for a week while she goes away and I don't expect anything in return. When she got a new dog I thought about whether not DH and I could help her with the puppy sometimes but we realised it would not be practical. So we didn't do it. In the meantime neighbour has done nothing for me but I enjoy her friendship and I don't really mind.

I wouldn't ever really dare to make a big deal of people not being good friends and being too eager to take and never get anything in return. I have friends who do this kind of thing to me. I balance up: is the favour no skin off my nose? Do I enjoy their company? and i figure that's what I get in return. On the plus side my 'using' friends happen to make an effort to keep the friendship going. So I Forgive Them for being a little bit taking advantage of me and DH.

I think you need to relegate these two friends to those who you will catch up with from time to time. By all means make an effort to ask them to make plans if that's what you feel like doing and you fancy their company but don't elevate them to being close friends and be very circumspect about doing favours for them.

I would be direct and say, you want me to look after cat/get tickets etc, but yet when I needed to spend time with you, where were you? May cause a storm, but it’s better said than you brooding on it. Friendships fester with that.

It’s hard to say.
I would be less inclined to do big favours like feed a cat if the friend is being distant, but they might not think they’re being like that!
I don’t think any friend can lay claim to another friend, but if you always saw each other a lot and they are seeing more of another friend instead then that is a sign that that they’re not as interested in you for whatever reason (new friend more exciting or kids get in better). Sometimes it’s just circumstance.,

This is another case of social media causing issues. If those people hadn’t fb’d that they were out with other people etc then you’d be none the wiser and woudln’t think anything of it.

I agree with @thebigbangtheory

This does sound a tad petty and everyone is entitled to other friends!!

Do you not have other friends outside that group? Also, as previously mentioned did you explain what a crap time you were going through? From past experience some people don’t take problems at work seriously!!!!

Two wrongs don’t make a right so please don’t stop helping your friends out 😊

I'm in a really really similar situation and have confronted said friends and spelled out how unhappy I am but nothing has changed. It's awful isn't it? Makes me feel like a horrible, jealous person. But equally makes me think that friendship should be easier than this? They/we should want to spend time together?

I've had similar - good enough to do childcare but not good enough to be invited to 50th bday bash at a venue.

The next time I was asked about childcare, I was busy. Surely they could ask one of the many friends they invited to their party?

And I wouldn't even expect my sister to do the cat drive for 3 weeks!

As someone who is probably guilty of letting everyone down at some point something I would just consider is when life gets in the way sometimes it feels like there isn’t enough time to go round everyone.

I was having a particularly hectic time between work kids blah blah and despite our best efforts myself and a close friend didn’t get to see each other for 3 months (time off clashed / on holidays when the other one was free etc) we both have kids big mine was younger and being difficult , combined with sleepless night & a 60 hour a week job. On paper we both had kids and a job but we both recognized that I was absolutely stretched.

When things calmed down for me I resurfaced and met other friends who I had also not seen in months. Didn’t in any way mean I had devalued our friendship , in fact I loved her friendship more for understanding I was overwhelmed myself . sometimes we are so wrapped up in our own drama we don’t know that someone needs us right there and then.

Just to give another perspective that maybe they didn’t fully understand.

A best friend of mine always tells me on a weekly basis she feels like she is letting someone down and is afraid anyone will post / tag her in anything in case it offends someone else. She also has a heart of gold and does her best to keep everyone happy - but ultimately always leaves someone disappointed.

I would talk to the girls let them know you miss them and see if you can plan stuff in advance to catch up when needed. It’s easy to get messages lost in text etc but when you meet face to face it’s a good way to let them know you’d like to spend more time with them. Best of luck ☺️

I 100% agree with @Iwant2befree. That is also my perspective on friendship from 30's upwards. In my 20s it was all about my friends, then after that there is often just so much more going on .. kids, work, aging parents, partners, other friends accrued over time, Netflix (!) kid's parent friends, just feeling tired even, that it's easy to not see close friends for months on end. It doesn't mean anything other than that life gets in the way sometimes.
still wouldn't look after any pets for more than a weekend though

....I found out my "friend" had been round all our mutual friends telling them her good news.She only ever came to me when she wanted to moan and cry,needed a favour etc.....similar to your lack of party invitation POTTERY

I read some research that said doing favours in expectation of a return is hardwired from caveman times as a survival mechanism for groups, which makes sense. So it is not necessarily mercenary or ungenerous to be conscious that favours should be roughly equal but prudent.

The OP’s friends have created an imbalance which is irking her. I would suggest that getting tickets is an easy repayment but that catsitting is definitely on the mickey taking scale. Make some excuses, politely but firmly.

Hi,
Personally, I wouldn’t be that bothered about friends going out with others. I would be more bothered about them not being there when I needed them and bring this up. If you made it clear you needed support and they were ‘too busy’ that says a lot about your friendship. Talk to them. You can always make time for a friend that needs you.
I’d feel miffed about doing them favours if they treated me like this.

Some people come into our lives for a week, others a year and a few last a lifetime. As life changes so do friendships. It seems like your friends are now in a different category but you hadn’t noticed.

PPs advice to not do the favours but without making a big fuss about it is about right. Go on the get together next month and have a good time. And try to ignore your feelings of being used.

If it were me, I'd spend some time thinking about WHAT I was actually upset about.
1: Am I upset because they weren't there when I needed them?
2: Do they seem to do a lot of stuff without me?
3: Do they only come to me when they want something?

In the case of #1. Think about HOW you asked? Did you openly say "I'm having a hard time, I could use a friendly face to talk to." Or could your request for a meet-up seem as casual as any other time? People, especially busy people, with a lot going on in their lives as well, don't have the time or inclination to be mind-readers. We have to ask for what we need, even if it's hard.

2: Are they REALLY "doing things without you"? Or are they just busy people, with a big friendship group? Friendships naturally wax and wane, and people naturally put their energy (whether intentionally or not), into the area where they feel it might have most benefit. We're social creatures, and it pays to invest in their people we see most often, which does become a cycle. If you want to break into that cycle of "at the moment I mostly hang out with the mums from school", you need to be more forthright in your requests. Eg: "I'll be literally driving past your front door in an hour! Can I bring you and the kids a doughnut?"

3: If you think they are becoming the friends who only come when they want something, like cat care. Just stop being available.
"Hey OP! Could you watch Cat next month?" Smile sweetly and say, "sorry, that's not convenient for me!" or "sorry, I won't be able to do that. Hope you find someone! So, how about this weather eh? subject change
"But whhhyyyyyyyyy?"
You don't need to give a reason, simply repeat the earlier statement.

Op I hope things are better for you and no yanbu I had a ‘friend’ who only made an effort when they needed something, they could never fit me in but was often out with other friends, if I ever asked a favour they never helped but would make me feel like I was being demanding, I got rid