Not willing to help out my friends... AIBU?

[MandalaYogaTapestry]

Got two great girl friends, we are all late 30s with kids. We used to meet up regularly and have a fab time just catching up, kids played together, etc.

Now in the past year there were a few occasions when I was going through a really tough time at work and wanted some friendly company. I would get in touch, suggest we get together but they were both busy, every time. I appreciate we all have hectic lives but that's what friends are for, no?

OK, I got over it, we are still friendly, been out together and all is good. But now and then I see posts on FB when one has been out for dinner with some other friend, and the other had people over or planned a trip away with another family. This kind of grated as they obviously do have time but choose to spend it with others. Fine, everyone is free to choose their company and as I said, we have not fallen out and have planned to go out in December (my invitation).

Now the dilemma is, that as a result, I am not really willing to do anything if they ask for a favour. One asked to get her tickets for a concert (i can do it through my hobby but don't like the band myself), the other regularly asks to look after her cat as she is away often. I used to have no problem doing that but now I just feel like "why don't you ask your other friends who you see more often than me as they seem to be closer to you than how you see me"?

It does not feel nice to be deliberately unhelpful but on the other hand I do resent helping if I only get quite a limited friendship in return. AIBU?

@mandela you dont need to ask IMO. I'd drop people like this like a stone. I'm pretty ruthless that way.

I’m sorry op, but I do think they are using you a bit.
I think you just have to accept that they’re not as invested in the friendship as you, so scale back what you are doing for them if you want to keep them as friends, or you’re just going to continue to feel hurt and resentful.
You sound lovely doing all this stuff, but honestly go out and find some friends that value your friendship equally.

I was in a very similar situation OP, even down to the pet sitting. I decided that I’d say no to driving to her house to let dogs out every day. She used to be a close friend when our children were small, but then it seemed like every time she contacted me it was to ask a favour, and I began to feel used. I said no a couple of times and I hardly hear from her now, which confirms my feeling that I was a useful friend rather than one she wanted to spend time with.

I feel better out of it tbh.

@mandela just one thing to say -- right now they might not realise they are doing this. I have a lovely friend now that I didnt feel like I had much in common with 5 years ago, but as time goes by, kids etc, I have realised how awesome she is.

Some people don't realise that being friends takes a bit of effort, and assume they are so amazing anyone would put the effort in.

I would do something a bit sneaky! With the cat one, I would mention something difficult/stressful and see how they react. Maybe something real that's going on, or else near the truth... I have been bored/not had much company recently and I think I need to hang out with people not cats! Take note of her reaction - it will speak volumes if she cares that you have time to have friends vs looking after her cat. You sound like a lovely friend and there are people who will appreciate that - if you're not too busy cat sitting!

In answer to your actual dilemma, the cat person is totally thoughtless. To ask you to regularly drive to her cat when you have work, kids etc, and then not get you a thank you gift is a pisstake. I would just say 'sorry, i can't do it' and then don't mention it again. Tbh she should be paying a neighbour, it's too much to ask a friend.
The tickets to see a band, if it's not a big deal and doesn't cost you anything, I don't see the problem.

Have a good time at your meet up in December. And maybe see your other friends a bit more.

"But it doesn't resolve the problem of me not having much of their company"

No one else is seeing how creepy this all sounds?

OP, if they wanted to spend more time with you they would ask you to do stuff.

They don't owe you friendship. They have time to spend with others yes, but maybe they're all already spreading that out and yu get your share of what spare time they have. They may have made those plans months in advance. The way you're phrasing it all is very strange

reflection - you are absolutely right. Then why isn't the cat lady asking her better friends to mind her cat?

My goodness Reflection, harsh much. When op is doing all the contacting and they are not making g the effort only asking op for favours, is the time to pull back and concentrate on other friends.

Op is entitled to say no to favours.

@Aeroflotgirl because they clearly don't view the friendship in the same way as the OP. From what I gather she's just a 'mum friend' (who we all know are friends of convinience a lot of the time) who they ask for a favour from every now and then and meet up for a catch up once in a while.

@MandalaYogaTapestry Honestly? Because you're probably the only one that's said yes to it or similar in the past. I wouldn't even look after my best friend's cat like that. I would tell her to put it in a cattery or ask a neighbour while she was away because it would be cf-ery to ask anyone to do that. Sorry to be blunt.

I'd focus on your other friendships OP.

"reflection - you are absolutely right. Then why isn't the cat lady asking her better friends to mind her cat?"

Mandala, reflection didn't say that the other friends (that your two friends may or may not have) were 'better' friends than you. She said that your two friends may share out their spare time.

May I ask how often do you see your two friends? I know from your posts that you would like to see them more often, but how often (on average) do you see them now?

I had a very similar thing with my old best friends.

I stopped making them a priority when I was only an option and this is after I told them how I felt. I started saying "no" a lot more and only doing things that I wanted to do.

We don't talk anymore now.

I'd stick with the next night out but take a step back. I also wouldn't cat sit for three weeks before or after the realisation that neither of them seem to care! Our neighbours keep hinting at reciprocal cat sitting and DH and I have agreed to not go there. Two cats and no cat flap does not work for me!

If you take a step back you can then see what happens next and make a decision.

I've done this a few times over the years and it's always a good indicator of where you stand. Nothing lasts forever. Perhaps it is time to move on and find new friends?

deafly we see each other maybe once every 3 months.

It does sound like they're using you a bit, and so it wouldn't hurt to pull back. For your own self respect. They weren't there for you, showing you clearly how much they value the friendship. Equally, you're within your right to show similar. You'll feel better for it, although prepare yourself for a fizzling out altogether.

Time to find some new friends!

I think not doing or receiving “favours” for people is a good social strategy as I get older? Otherwise it’s quite easy to end up feeling put upon and resentful.

your friend could pay a neighbours kid to look after the cat, there must be a way your other friend could source the tickets?

That kind of thing. Don’t make a big speech about it just be busy etc.

I get the impression you’ve been hurt by their behaviour and want to lash out

but living the best life you can is probably a better way forward.

Re:MH issues - speaking as someone who has both struggled with depression and workplace bullying and known people who’ve been there, I think reporting, getting professional independent help, getting a practical way to detach from the situation should be the priority over having expectations over how your social group “should” behave?

I’ve found that dealing with someone with depression/anxiety is something I personally can’t cope with and I’d actually back away from in future.

That sounds really fucking heartless but from my experience when younger I’d often end up really drained and worn out and emotionally struggling myself whenever I engaged with someone with MH issues?

There’s advice given which says for people with MH issues to “reach out” to people and tbh I don’t think it’s great advice?

Most people aren’t socially equipped to be caretakers for MH issues. The only people you’ll find who genuinely are drawn to this will be creepy controlling rescuer types.

I have a ex friend who I tried to support for a while , he was going through a shit time with work.

But there was no effort to extricate himself from the situation or seek professional help or have a realistic get-out plan - it was like I was expected to be a stand in partner or mother for him?

I could and did offer him practical advice (he had financial suppprt from family, no big money commitments so easily could have left) but it was like he was locked in this cycle of unhappiness and wanted me to just sit and give it my full attention which was just really trying?

When I had a tough work situation I WAS unhappy but I saved up and retrained and made my exit plan and scooted. He didn’t want to do this.

I got the occasional “you need to come over this weekend!” message and then he’d be all resentful if I didn’t?

There was also the tacit assumption in our communication that his problems were “real” and any I had weren’t real?

So I couldn’t say I had a problem myself without him literally trying to tell me “chin up and positive attitude” before going off on how unhappy HE was.

I think the depression made him jealous and see me as having this “perfect shiny life” which he was envious of (and the expectation started coming that I’d look after him and pick up the bill and organise him) and tbh I just was completely drained myself.

I don’t have big emotional or practical “margins” myself and I was sick of being made to feel guilty for trying to get on with my own (hard) life rather than have regular “rescue missions”

Ditto with an ex friend with anxiety - sure it was diagnosed and it was a tough time. But I couldn’t keep all my weekends free so they could come over and sit in my flat!

I’m not saying you’re like that OP! But just maybe to help you see from the others point of view?

simon agree. I had a friend who was having bad MH problems - still is. We fell out badly in the end when her unhappiness turned on me and I became the bad guy.

I wouldn't do it to my friends. If anything, I am the "trouble-free" one in my circle.

I think you're on the right track OP. Just seperate everything out.

(1) work/MH problems - if these are ongoing then get proper support/exit plan etc.

(2) doing favours for friends - you don't want to do these, then don't

(3) feeling you want to get out and make new friends/do more. Standard stuff - join a meetup, activities etc. It IS harder after a certain age and life stage depending on where you live.

Incidentally.....

I think a lot of friendship issues I've had when younger have been due to feeling I "ought" to have this posse of close friends like they do on the sitcoms? Like I'm not a woman if I can't go out on a Friday night drinking cocktails with my "besties"? So I've ended up "doing favours" for people I have little in common with just to fit in?

but really I'm actually happier and more relaxed and my life has less drama when I'm focussed on personal development, my lovely OH, meeting financial goals etc? I'd actually rather pay down my mortgage and qualify for a better paid job and afford fab holidays in 4 years than drop £100's on "girly weekends away" with people I don't really have much in common with.

And I enjoy the contact I get with people through studying or work or shared interests.

I go to a meetup or meditation or sports classes or have a rant on Mumsent if I fancy a bit of banter or support?)

Have the same issue with my friends from my birth country. I live in the uk now and they only got in touch whenever I was going over for a visit so that I bring them goodies

You said I would get in touch, suggest we get together But did you SPECIFICALLY say "I'm low and could do with seeing you* or similar? People will prioritise family if they think it's "just" a chat meetup etc, but I'm sure ifyou actually said the above they'd make time for you x

I'd say they are users, they expect favours but appear to offer you very little in return. I'd say no more favours unless it was a life or death issue/ serious accident situation etc.
Then just see them as what they are, casual acquaintances and try to meet new people as well.

YANBU - I had a similar situation when I was the first in our friendship group to have a baby. I tried to keep in touch for a short while, but their calls and texts dried up a bit. One of them eventually said that they didn't include me any more because they thought I wouldn't be able to go out anyway, and would be upset if I was asked

Anyway, a while later I rang one of them (the ringleader, who liked to think of herself as the hub of the wheel around whom all others revolved) and said I'd like to see her, and how about arranging for the two of us to go for a drink one evening?

Her reply? "Oh we all go out in town all the time, you'll have to come with us some day"

Oh great. Thanks a bunch for never asking me then. What would you like me to do - call and ask if I can come out to play?

End. Of. Friendship.

Take a step back and stop doing favours and see how your friendship is in the next few months. They may ask what’s wrong and you can tell them the truth you feel like they don’t make an effort and you made the decision to stop making efforts for them that you don’t think would be reciprocated. They may just fall by the wayside.

I totally get you, op. You're not jealous of their other friendships but you wonder why they're prioritising them over you. Similarly you don't want to be taken for a mug by people using you for favours but making no effort to see you. Happens to me too. I make all the effort to arrange stuff, I do all the travelling, but no effort is made in return.

If people want to see you, they will. Life is too short to deal with half-assed friendships if you value close friends (some people are fine with casual friendships, and that's fine, but not really my thing)

I’ve had a friendship like this recently that I’ve cut ties with. One way friendship, I tried to meet up but always too busy but never busy for anyone else. Only messaged me if they needed something.