Not willing to help out my friends... AIBU?

[MandalaYogaTapestry]

Got two great girl friends, we are all late 30s with kids. We used to meet up regularly and have a fab time just catching up, kids played together, etc.

Now in the past year there were a few occasions when I was going through a really tough time at work and wanted some friendly company. I would get in touch, suggest we get together but they were both busy, every time. I appreciate we all have hectic lives but that's what friends are for, no?

OK, I got over it, we are still friendly, been out together and all is good. But now and then I see posts on FB when one has been out for dinner with some other friend, and the other had people over or planned a trip away with another family. This kind of grated as they obviously do have time but choose to spend it with others. Fine, everyone is free to choose their company and as I said, we have not fallen out and have planned to go out in December (my invitation).

Now the dilemma is, that as a result, I am not really willing to do anything if they ask for a favour. One asked to get her tickets for a concert (i can do it through my hobby but don't like the band myself), the other regularly asks to look after her cat as she is away often. I used to have no problem doing that but now I just feel like "why don't you ask your other friends who you see more often than me as they seem to be closer to you than how you see me"?

It does not feel nice to be deliberately unhelpful but on the other hand I do resent helping if I only get quite a limited friendship in return. AIBU?

They don't HAVE to do anything, but in that case I don't have to go out of my way for them either?

It does feel bad typing it, I wish it were different. But I did feel bad having nobody when I needed them. And it is not just that. They don't suggest we meet up and they tend to be unavailable when I suggest.

I don't want to feel used by doing something for a person who is not there for me. That's not out of a principle, that's for my own mental well-being.

Things have been pretty shit, I am not kidding.

Sorry OP just saw your update.
I was coming back to say that, on reflection, I have had times where I've felt rejected by friends, and I'm sure that I've caused the feeling in other friends (not deliberately).
Maybe you do need to have a heartfelt talk with them, individually.

I’ve been where you are, and sometimes I think when you’re really low it’s exacerbated.

And when you’re happy and ok you think everyone else is.
That’s why you should just tell them the truth about how you feel.

"a few occasions when I was going through a really tough time at work and wanted some friendly company"

Did you tell them you were going through a tough time, and that was why you wanted to meet up, or did you suggest what they could have taken as a casual get together?

"But now and then I see posts on FB when one has been out for dinner with some other friend, and the other had people over or planned a trip away with another family."

Am not sure if you mean that they, together, were excluding you from your friendship group outings, or whether they separately had other plans outwith the friendship group (of you three) entirely, Mandala.

If the former, then it does sound as if they are closer to each other than they are to you, but if the latter, then I think that is perfectly normal. It is fine for people to have more than one friendship group, or hobby, or commitments in their lives and to divide their spare time between those, according to whatever is going on at the time.

Add to that that many people don't have a lot of spare time, outside family and/or work commitments, to divide in the first place and I can see that you would perhaps feel that you weren't seeing enough of them. Do you have other friends, activities or hobbies that you spend time on separately to them?

"They are not users and I am genuinely fond of them. But I would love to spend more time with them."

How often do the three of you see each other?

"And if they can't/won't for whatever reason then why do I need to put in an effort to help them?"

Because you are "genuinely fond of them". Although, of course you shouldn't if you don't want to.

Sorry things have been so bad for you OP.

charley the cat doesn't live next door so it's a 7- min drive there and back daily for 3 weeks. Would do it for a genuine friend (and have done for her multiple times in the past) but honestly reluctant for a friend who would agree to meet up and then say that they actually have someone else coming over.

They let you down and unfortunately proved that they’re not as close as you’d hoped. This blasé attitude towards you reaching out at a time of need would hit me with the same force it has you, OP. I can see why you’re thinking, right, so you weren’t willing to be a supportive friend, and you’re investing in other friendships more...no more favours for you.

Sounds about right. Sorry, it hurts when friends let you down. I’m sure they care for you but not as much as you’d hoped.

Hope things are better at work.

Screw them OP, plenty other nice people out there

Some people give and some take. It's not often things are equal.
You sound as if you resent them taking you for granted, I would too.
Either say you don't see them enough or move on, they seem to have done. Modern life is shit.

yanbu

I'm in a similar situation... group of 3 very good friends. I was very supportive and practically helpful when they had their dc2s. I had my dc2 & 3 and hardly saw them. one didnt even visit my newborn and only met the baby as I bumped into her. I still get asked to do childcare etc etc.... I only do it now when it suits me or I'll offer for my dc1.

I think I understand OP
You are happy to help out close friends but if you are dropping down to casual acquaintance then you don't want to put yourself out
I think you should try and expand your own circle of friends

@MandalaYogaTapestry - I wouldn't do that (cat - drive every day for 3 weeks) even if I wasn't upset with my friend's behaviour. It would just encroach on my life too much.

I do think that people get very wrapped up in their own lives sometimes, without meaning to be hurtful.

umbon you advised several times to talk to them, which was my first idea too. I am not sure what to say though. I don't want to make them feel bad for letting me down when I needed them. And I don't want to "guilty" them into arranging meet-ups.

Regarding their get-togethers: not with each other without me, just with their other friends.

Again, absolutely fine with me, I do have other friends.

It's just that these two are local, similar lives, I trust them and I can confide in them. Which is why their unavailability is noticeable and a bit hurtful.

The 3 week cat favour is a pretty big ask. Just do what you are comfortable with in terms of favours OP, and if it makes you feel annoyed then say no.
It sounds like these people are becoming more distant friends, and that you have a friends vacancy for people who are available to meet up more often. I would concentrate on making new friends. Do you have a partner available to cheer you up after a bad day at work?

If you would like to see them more often, can you suggest something regular, even once a month?

It really does sound like you're jealous of their other friendships with other people, and that you think they spend more time with them than they do with you, and so shouldn't be allowed to ask you for help if they don't spend equal amounts of time with you.

I can understand that you were hurt that they didn't make time for you when you needed them, but you say that you let it go and continued with the friendship, but you clearly didn't and are still holding a grudge about that.

Why would you bother talking to them?

They've shown you exactly who they are and where you stand in their lives. Knowing and accepting this will help you remain friends, without expectation

read i don't resent their time spent with other people and as I said I have other friends who I see in my spare time.

I do resent them not spending time with me. Which makes me less willing to put myself out even further by doing favours.

When you’re looking after the cat, do they get you a nice gift in return. 3 weeks of cat sitting is a big favour, even a really close friend? I appreciate you’re doing a favour, but still...

As I see it, there are 3 ways to go about this Mandala (and I apologise in advance, I’m a very black and white person!):

1. you outright tell them how much you’re dissapointed with how unavailable they were when you really needed them.
2. you say nothing and carry on ‘as normal’
3. you move on and get new friends. It’s always gutting when you realise people you thought highly of, don’t think as highly of you, but you’re either in or out in my opinion!

eggtoast just a thank you. I don't expect a gift though and I am all for helping friends with all I can do, if they are friends.

I do have a husband and he is great. I miss girl chats though.

I don't blame you, they obviously don't value you as a friend, only when it suits them, i.e. to provide them with a favour. No sorry I can't, or accidently delete their asking message and forget about it. I would be relegating those friendships to fairweather friends or ones that aren't close category. Stop making the effort with them, bet if you do, all contact will stop as it is you keeping things going.

They might be your close friends, but you are not theirs. I would not confront as they might go on the defensive and deny it all.