To not want my mil to smack my children

[watsmyname]

My mil looks after my children 2 days a week while I work. I am very grateful for this

It has always been known that I don't smack my children. I was smacked as a child as was my husband. IMO it's hard to tell a child not to hit if that's how they are being disciplined.

My lb has told me this evening granny wasn't nice to him and hit him on the bottom with a wooden spoon. He said he didn't cry so I imagine it wasn't too hard.

Aibu to ask her not to smack them but to discipline in another way.

Another (ex) teacher saying that smacking with a spoon is illegal and I’d be required to involve Social Services. This could end very badly if your DC tells anyone what your MIL is doing. Free childcare isn’t worth that risk. And I don’t think you can just tell MIL to stop. She won’t. She obviously thinks it’s acceptable.

Personally I wouldn’t let MIL have unsupervised contact with my DC ever again. This could have turned out very badly and caused lasting harm. You can’t ever trust her again.

It would be the last time she'd be near my children for a long time and I'd make sure she knew why.

You need to find out what actually happened. Speak to MIL and go from there.

Phone the police and never let your child return no MN needed for this x

Have you spoken to your other dc OP? Are they old enough to tell you the circumstances? How old is your DS?

Depending on age I would tread carefully before accusing your MIL of anything. I remember my DD making up fairy stories at the age of two and knowing for sure she was being over imaginative. EG she would say ‘There was a bad lady and she was bad to me and lock me in room, take me away from Mimi and Daddy’ which was from one of the princess fairy tales that I read her at bedtime (she would talk about the story like it was real and actually happening to her.) She also said ‘you no nice man Daddy, you hurt me!’ about my husband who looked like she had slapped across the face. His crime, taking her clothes off for bath time, he didn’t hurt her, he was a bad man just because she didn’t want to go to bed! I was there and watched him being as gentle as always with his precious princess.

It may even be possible that your MIL was telling your ds about how she used to smack his Daddies bum when he was naughty. I remember my Gran showing us the wooden stick that stirred her washing that she said she used to smack my Dad and Uncles bottom with . She pretended to tap our bottoms with it and we squealed and ran round her laughing.

So ask your other child if possible, if your other dc is too young to be of help then contact your MIL and ask what happened. If she did smack him then you can decide whatever action you are going to take. There is absolutely zero excuse for deliberately smacking a small child!

You really do need to find what happened.

My dh and I look after two of our dgc (now 11 and 9) one day each week. Have done so since they were only a few months old. There are also sleepovers and the whole family come for Sunday dinner every week. She has never once been reluctant to visit or come for childcare.

One day when dgd was about 3 or 4, dil mentioned to me that dgd had said I had hit her/smacked her. Can't recall the exact words. I was so taken aback, had never ever smacked her. Fortunately ddil completely believed me. She trusted me totally and knew I would never smack dgd. It was never discussed in front of dgd. I knew she was lying and put it down to being a particular stage she was going through. Many months later when they were being dropped off to me for childcare ddil said to dgd...... Do you have something to say to granny? Did came over to me and said... I'm very sorry granny, I told a lie and said that you hit me. I'm very sorry and won't ever do it again. We had a big hug and agreed that telling fibs was a very naughty thing to do. And never mentioned it again.me

Ddil had obviously, over the months been touching upon it now and again, and one day dgd...... said....It was just a story. Dgd was never able to explain why she said it.
My own theory is that she was having playtime to herself and what she said was part of the playtime.

If anyone ever smacked my child it would be the last time they ever saw them unsupervised.

*Yet neither of you thought to have this conversation with mil before allowing her to do the childcare?
*
Why should they?

Because it's irresponsible not to.

OP if you decide to keep her as childcare put a camera in ...

You need to find alternative childcare. You cannot put your child in the care of someone who thinks it is acceptable to hit a child with a wooden spoon.

I understand it can be daunting to have a family fall out, but this is one subject worth falling out over. Your children need to know you will not accept them being hurt and will stand up for them when needed. They trust you to keep them safe and you need to do so.

The hysteria on this thread is ridiculous. Honestly, hope the OP does talk to the MIL and hope the MIL tells her where to go and find her free childcare elsewhere.

Plenty of things Scotland do that we don't follow suit in (thankfully....)

Whats that meant to mean?

Don't allow her to look after your kids then.

Yes you need to establish exactly what happened. The way some are instantly reacting on here you’d think the child had been subject to a violent thrashing, when he could have just been grumpy as Granny had told him off about something or playing a game. Who knows?

As it was with LadyB , it could just be made up. Or maybe it was a playful swat on the bottom when MIL was cooking. Kids do sometimes make shit up.

The way some are instantly reacting on here you’d think the child had been subject to a violent thrashing, when he could have just been grumpy as Granny had told him off about something or playing a game. Who knows?

Exactly, This is what often pisses me off about Mumsnet.
We get an AIBU about something and OP has not established the facts but everyone gets hysterical.
Straight away, it's LTB when a poster suspects her dh of something or a mil is evil even when we don't know the whole story.
MN members seem to revel in feeding an OPs worries with hysterical responses.
IF OP speaks to mil and established she hit the child then she needs to sort it out. Until she comes back with confirmation her child has been hit everyone should calm the fuck down!

The suggestions that the MIL be reported to the police, or have her wrists cut off have at least given me a lugh this morning.

laugh

Joking pat on the behind- absolutely fine.

Proper smack- not fine.

If she didn’t know you don’t smack then up to you whether you explain and give her a second chance. I probably would- a lot of people wrongly think smacking is no big deal.

If she does know then, unless there are any extenuating circumstances, find other child care.

But check that it wasn’t a misunderstood joke- my aunt used to refer to a wooden spatula as her “bottie baster” and would chase us with it - a game we made her play til she begged for mercy!

cloudyweewee I was like wtaf at MIL having her hands cut off. Very disturbing.

Q

Surely OP has spoken to her mil by now?
Be nice to have an update.

The thing is if OP asks mil what happened then she’s very likely to play it down or deny it altogether.