To not want my mil to smack my children

[watsmyname]

My mil looks after my children 2 days a week while I work. I am very grateful for this

It has always been known that I don't smack my children. I was smacked as a child as was my husband. IMO it's hard to tell a child not to hit if that's how they are being disciplined.

My lb has told me this evening granny wasn't nice to him and hit him on the bottom with a wooden spoon. He said he didn't cry so I imagine it wasn't too hard.

Aibu to ask her not to smack them but to discipline in another way.

My mother hit my toddler in front of me once. He wasn't doing anything, he was just being annoying to her. I nearly chinned her, my dad had to take us home.

You're being passive, go and see her and ask her why your child is telling you she hit him with a wooden spoon and the fact he didn't cry should tell you it may not be the first time.

Spell it out to her about how unacceptable you find it.

Then find alternative childcare.

My child would not be returning that's for sure.

My parents used to abuse me physically (and mentally and emotionally) and my mother used to absolutely WALLOP me with a wooden spoon.
I wouldn't lay a hand (or an implement) on another adult, let alone a child.
YANBU at all. You need to have serious words with MIL.

Shocking behaviour!

Have you phoned her? I'd be so furious if anyone did anything to my son!

YANBU although some on here think grandparents can do not wrong

You should tell her, politely, that you would rather she not hit them — as it seems you haven’t had that conversation. However, if your kids are routinely poorly behaved (with smacking the only thing that works for her) then be prepared for her to refuse to keep them. Do you have alternative child care plans?

Anyone who thinks it's acceptable to hit (someone else's!) child with a wooden spoon isn't an appropriate person to look after your child. The child's behaviour is irrelevant. If a child had behavioural issues to such an extent I felt I couldn't manage them I would tell their parent so I would not resort to violence.

If she had just Smacked him I would have had a calm conversation saying never again

Hitting with a wooden spoon? No way I would let her look after them again

@AnneLovesGilbert - yep, perfectly possible. You are all imaging a spoon being used for corporal punishment which I agree is outrageous, and reaching out for an implement is somehow so much much worse than a slap with a hand (itself horrid and unconscionable) and OP needs to act quickly to find out the context.

I stand my ground that a light tap or pat is possible, in playful circumstances. I just think OP shouldn’t go in heavy to begin with but endeavour to find out exactly what happened.

YANBU. As sad as it is, you definitely need to have a conversation with MIL. My personal view is that children should not be hit/smacked.

My professional view is also that children should not be hit/smacked. As a primary school teacher, if a child mentioned to me that they had been hit it would be noted and parents called in for a meeting and paperwork recording as such. If they mention that the have been hit with an implement (slipper, shoe, wooden spoon, stick, but to name a few items) it is straight to safeguarding, a file is started, SS are informed and is treated very very seriously. Despite the obvious upset caused to your children, this could cause a lot of trouble for your family if she continues to hit your children (however lightly she says it was/it may have been).

She hit your child with a weapon. She wouldn’t be near my child again.

I agree with pp who says it could have been just playful, there are two sides to every story. I would have asked my child when first told why did she do that to try and get an idea of what actually happened.

I would lose my mind . I'm sorry but ive never smacked my babies and I wouldn't accept any one else doing so

I have previously said that smacking is something that I feel is completely inappropriate and counterproductive. I haven't had a chance to talk to my husband as he's at work. My lb only told me this evening.

My children are not poorly behaved and whilst they have their moments they are very good.

I feel a bit sick to be honest

Oh OP that's awful. My DS wouldn't go back for certain. Who does she think she is?

Interestingly, the American Academy of Pediatricians just released a report with their strongest recommendations to date against any form of corporal punishment.

Spanking Is Ineffective and Harmful to Children, Pediatricians’ Group Says

You have to model the behavior you want from children. If you are violent they will eventually see violence as an acceptable way to impose their will on others.

Agree with popskipiekin, have a conversion with mil. It is possible to playfully pat, or even accidentally hit.

And it is possible she used an implement to punish your child. Which would be horrific.

So time to find out which it is

Sorry but every adult living in the UK who understands English knows that smacking is unacceptable. It's been a topic of conversation for years. Unless she has been living in a basement for 20 years she knows this.

Call her up and ask her if she did it.

If someone raised their hand to my child I would go ballistic irrespective of who that person was.

I really don't know why smacking or not smacking needs to be discussed by any board or whatever. It's quite simple. If someone 3 times bigger than me and 10 times stronger came up to me and hit me then they would be arrested.

Why do some people think it is OK to do that to a child?

She wouldn't go near my children again!

The only way I could see this situation being okay is if they were playing and she was waving the spoon (pretending to eat, pretending it was a wand, pretending to chase him with it....) or she was using it, had it in her hand and turned and - in either scenario- she accidentally and lightly touched him with the spoon. Children don't always have the skills to describe what's happened accurately. But the way you've described what your child said, does not make it sound as though that's what happened.

How old is your LB ? What activity were they doing when he was hit ?(I mean were they cooking - so had a spoon to hand or did she intentionally go get a wooden spoon to hit him with?) Did he use the term hit ? Did HE feel like it always playful ? Has she ever hit him before ?

I'd stay calm and get some answers ... then I'd pretty much either be having a conversation with her or I would be going ballistic.

Hope he is okay .. and you are NBU !

YABU to use her for childcare in the first place, given that she hit your husband when he was a child, without an open and frank discussion about discipline before making the arrangement. If she had promised to respect and follow your approach (ie no hitting/smacking as punishment) and you felt confident that she meant it, then fair enough to give it a go. But anything short of that is irresponsible as far as you are concerned. It's your responsibility to find suitable childcare for your child, suitable to the best of your knowledge that is.

End the arrangement and find a childcare professional to look after them.

Oh and she broke the law btw.

I would talk to her and find out exactly what happened. If she really did hit him with an implement in response to bad behaviour, I honestly don’t think I’d ever be having her look after my child alone again.

How old your MIL? I have found that as parents get older they find it harder to look after small children, they're less tolerant. She might not know how to tell that she finds the children hard work (no disrespect intended, I'm talking about my own parents here too)..Maybe you should engage a childminder who has 'professional ' patience..

I’m sorry but there isn’t a snowflake’s chance in hell she’d see my kids unsupervised ever again

Hmmmm I'd be livid, I'd just want to check out first what definitely happened by asking your son some questions or MIL. My DN once said her auntie (other side not me) had 'hit me on my nose with cake' what had actually happened later confirmed by DN was they were baking cakes together and when they were scraping the bowl her auntie had dabbed a splodge of cake batter on her nose with the spoon. DN confirmed it didn't hurt and laughed and said she had a cake nose. It doesn't sound like the scenario here OP but worth asking a few questions. If it happened how you think I'd be going NC