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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to help me see sense? Please.

97 replies

littledarkage · 17/11/2018 01:07

Hi there,

I've only posted once before but I'm always a lurker! I'm currently having a terrible time trying to decide what's right after my relationship broke down.

To put it simply, he wants to get back together. It was 5.5 year relationship, my first and only, we split mutually at the start of the year but it was initiated by him.

I'm struggling to decide what's right. Do I give it another ago? Especially as he's keen? Or cut ties once and for all?

I'm going to do my best to summarise but appreciate it is difficult asking strangers.

Pros:
He gets me, I'm a little odd but it never fazed him
Always felt comfortable being myself or having lazy days together
Similar taste it music and film, holidays etc
Pretty similar morals and values
Very occasionally has taken me surprise by big gestures I.e my birthday took me abroad to see my favourite artist

Cons:
He is angry - I grew up in an angry household and I can't stand it
Doesn't support my mental health despite issues of his own
Called me a c* several times
Told me to get out of his sight several times
Once and only once whilst drunk pinned me to the floor by my neck
My family aren't really very keen
Rejected my kisses on several occasions
Massive hypochondriac

We split 8 months ago but since he has wanted to meet or go on these odd dates which aren't really dates, one times he unexpectedly kisses me and the next shows no interest.

I'm utterly confused by it all. Sorry that was an essay but thanks for reading!

OP posts:
Bambamber · 17/11/2018 01:10

He is physically and verbally abusive to you. You are worth more than that. Cut ties and never look back!

HJE17 · 17/11/2018 01:13

I agree with Bambamber unfortunately. There are some huge red flags there. I’m sorry, OP. :-(

Beeziekn33ze · 17/11/2018 01:14

Sorry, if he gives you verbal abuse and (once) physically abused you I think you shouldn't give him another chance. Also you need people around you who will support you in dealing with your MH issue.
Think long and hard, the decision is yours.

nocoolnamesleft · 17/11/2018 01:14

Pinned you to the floor by your neck? I sincerely hope you called the police for that. he could have killed you. You deserve better. Stay well clear.

Original poster
littledarkage · 17/11/2018 01:19

Wow, I'm so grateful for all your responses.

I know it sounds silly but sometimes when others point out the obvious it really helps!

Agaun, thank you, I have no one in real life to talk to about this.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratcett · 17/11/2018 01:20

I was talking yesterday to a lovely young lady I know with terrible taste in men. I'll say to you what I said to her: first thing on the list of what we look for in a man is NO VIOLENCE. None. Never. And strangulation makes it many times more likely he will eventually kill you.

No. Just don't.

Weenurse · 17/11/2018 01:22

Look back at your cons. If you were advising a friend would you say go back?
Stay far away from him.

NeverHadANickname · 17/11/2018 01:23

He is abusive so I'd suggest not doing back. Before I got to that bit I was going to share a bit of my story so I will anyway.

When my ex husband left me I was devastated but eventually started to move on and enjoy myself. He decided he wanted me back but I didn't want him anymore. In the end I gave in and we tried again but it was awful, it just wasn't the same and while he obviously tried with some parts the same problems were there.

We had been together since we were teenagers and had a lot in common. Being with him was just easy. However, I gave myself time to realise that there are other men out there who want to be with me and treat me how I should be. People who I have as much I common with and make me happy. I am now married to the kindest most thoughtful man I have ever met and he can not do enough for me and for us as a couple.

Sorry it is long but there are men out there who will love you for you and not be verbally and physically abusive to you. You deserve so much better.

TheChickenOfTruth · 17/11/2018 01:24

Nope.

OlennasWimple · 17/11/2018 01:25

There is no pro that can make up for a man who is physically and verbally abusive

ThistleAmore · 17/11/2018 01:25

pinned me to the floor by my neck

Nope.

Normal, nice men DON'T do this.

Get out, sort your MH issues out and move on.

josbd · 17/11/2018 01:31

I agree with what everyone has said: You are worth a damn sight more than this man who abuses you and is never ever supportive of you. Also HE initiated the split. So why has he changed his mind? You don't need to think about that one.

In every possible way he is unworthy of you, and the signs are very very clear: he is a danger to you. PLEASE: do not even consider going back to him

MidniteScribbler · 17/11/2018 01:48

Once and only once whilst drunk pinned me to the floor by my neck

That is all you need to look at.

halfwitpicker · 17/11/2018 02:11

Lord above, no. Move on. Don't look back. Cut all contact.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/11/2018 02:13

He is a HORRIBLY abusive prick. Please don't take him back. It will be a massive mistake. What you will be saying to him is that his shit behaviour is acceptable, and it will only get worse, I assure you.

SuperstarDJ · 17/11/2018 02:14

There aren’t enough Pros on the planet that would help override that list of Cons. He had been verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to you. That’s not a healthy, loving and respectful relationship just because he likes the same music and films as you.

LuckyDiamond · 17/11/2018 02:15

No don’t do it.

You are worth a million gazillion times more than this gobshite.

Shriek · 17/11/2018 02:22

The dropping you and having you back thing is abuse.
Strangulation very often goes wrong, and is intended as a very serious threat to your life to intimidate and scare you.
Men who strangle are amongst the most dangerous.
I think you have had a lucky escape.
Go and enjoy your life.
You really could benefit from the freedom programme, it will make you strong, and assertive about whats OK and what's definitely not!
Be happy and be safe

dontgobaconmyheart · 17/11/2018 02:25

Oh OP , no. Once is too many, and once statistically is unlikely to remain once. You surely don'y have similar morals and values if he thinks it is acceptable to abuse a partner?

I'm someone who has traditionally found it hard to find someone i can be myself with and feel comfortable with , and that is a valuable thing, but it is also unhelpful because it makes us think we would sacrifice other things to keep it. He doesn't sound in the least bit special though, he isn't loving or caring; occasional gestures are not something unique to him at all, you deserve being treated well to be the norm, not an exception worthy of praise that you can pick out that he once did something nice so maybe he is a nice person. He is not. Nobody that swears, diminishes, assaults you is a nice person, and he does not care about you or deserve to be anywhere near you and cutting ties is the best possible gift to yourself.

He clearly makes you feel insecure and unloved or you wouldn't be citing that he avoids your kisses, so you do know deep down that he isn't loving. On top of this OP if you have mental health issues you deserve support so that you can reap the benefits of it and improve your health, instead of hearing him moan about his made up ailments for the rest of your life.

It may have been your only relationship but listen to the advice you are getting from people who know. He is a mistake. You sound lovely, but be aware that you are vulnerable, listen to your family, seek support from them and cut him dead before he worms his way in via your insecurities.

Unicyclethief · 17/11/2018 02:40

Oh hell no. Look at the cons. LOOK AT THE CONS. There are no pros to counteract that shit.

1forAll74 · 17/11/2018 02:42

HE sounds absolutely not the right person for you. This shocking behaviour towards you is very damaging.He is probably a controlling type as well. You are real,, he sounds not to be.

LoudJazzHands · 17/11/2018 02:46

Those cons far outweigh the pros.

kateandme · 17/11/2018 02:55

thhe worst most hateful monsters can do non monstrous acts sometimes.it would be very hard to be bad non stop all the time and still live in society.but that does not outweigh any of the con list you have mentioned op.the minute he does or even thinks of doing any o those things makes him a bad man.op you deserve more.
how have you felt since being away from him?
what would you be telling us if we had written this post?
do you think your mh issue could be affecting your self worth and so might you not think you can or should find better.becasue you can you can have all the cons and without any of those cons.yes in everyone there are there "quirks" and cons.but never should there be the ones you mentioend

Thingybob · 17/11/2018 02:56

Agree with everyone else, cut all ties.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/11/2018 03:12

Cons heavily outweigh the pros in your list - no. He chose to split, maybe he thought the grass was greener elsewhere and then realised it wasn't - too bad.

It's like that Beautiful South song, when the girl gets her turn to sing:
The Freedom that you wanted bad
Is yours for good
I hope you're glad
Sad into unsad

I had a little time
To think it over
Had a little room
To work it out
I found a little courage
To call it off

This should be you. Call it a day and move on - it seems unlikely that he will have improved in his negative aspects, and you can find someone better than that.