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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you to help me see sense? Please.

97 replies

littledarkage · 17/11/2018 01:07

Hi there,

I've only posted once before but I'm always a lurker! I'm currently having a terrible time trying to decide what's right after my relationship broke down.

To put it simply, he wants to get back together. It was 5.5 year relationship, my first and only, we split mutually at the start of the year but it was initiated by him.

I'm struggling to decide what's right. Do I give it another ago? Especially as he's keen? Or cut ties once and for all?

I'm going to do my best to summarise but appreciate it is difficult asking strangers.

Pros:
He gets me, I'm a little odd but it never fazed him
Always felt comfortable being myself or having lazy days together
Similar taste it music and film, holidays etc
Pretty similar morals and values
Very occasionally has taken me surprise by big gestures I.e my birthday took me abroad to see my favourite artist

Cons:
He is angry - I grew up in an angry household and I can't stand it
Doesn't support my mental health despite issues of his own
Called me a c* several times
Told me to get out of his sight several times
Once and only once whilst drunk pinned me to the floor by my neck
My family aren't really very keen
Rejected my kisses on several occasions
Massive hypochondriac

We split 8 months ago but since he has wanted to meet or go on these odd dates which aren't really dates, one times he unexpectedly kisses me and the next shows no interest.

I'm utterly confused by it all. Sorry that was an essay but thanks for reading!

OP posts:

Shriek · 18/11/2018 00:00

Have you blocked him now? I know it feels like its all over now, but this really could be just the real start for him. This could be the stat of him really ramping up the threats. He might try a bit of love-bombing first to reel you back in. Please block him.

I would, in all honesty advise that you report his attempted strangulation to the police on 101, even if nothing else. I know its hard to recognise, and noone thinks you a fool, but the police will recognise the risk he poses because they know the profile of a person that does this, and if you get any further issues you will already have this logged. It will protect you in future from him, and will allow any future gf's to access his via Claire's law, to protect them too.

You have done solo well,you really have. Do keep posting g with anything else you want to ask or check out. It will get better one he's properly out of the picture.

Remember not to open the door to him again.

Maelstrop · 18/11/2018 00:07

Physical abuse tends to increase as time goes on. Even one occasion is too many. Name calling too? He's abusive, OP, run a mile.

MemoryOfSleep · 18/11/2018 00:09

Good for you, OP. Very well done. Remember, keep your distance, it's truly unsettling how many women are killed by their ex partners in this country. Be careful x

victoriaspongecake · 18/11/2018 00:10

He is an abuser.
You do not need him.
You are worth more than that.
Have nothing at all to do with him.

HurricaneHalle · 18/11/2018 00:11

Ditch

Shriek · 18/11/2018 00:20

OP has ditched, stopped seeing, has run a mile...have pps red the Fred? Huh?

SassitudeandSparkle · 18/11/2018 13:07

Have you read the thread, Shriek? OP was receiving 'cruel comments' from him yesterday so that indicates still in touch?

Alfie190 · 18/11/2018 13:11

Once and only once whilst drunk pinned me to the floor by my neck

This is the only sentence in the first post that was relevant.

Very glad you have made the decision you have.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/11/2018 13:33

So he thought he could snap his fingers and you'd come running back - and now he's discovered that you won't, he's blaming you and being a bastard?
SUCH a lucky escape, littledarkage!

Steer well clear, block him off everything, you have absolutely no reason to accept, by reading or listening to, any of his abuse now.

I hope your next partner is much nicer and treats you properly, as you deserve

ReflectionsofParadise · 18/11/2018 13:56

He broke up with you to find something better but he's realised it's too much effort/too hard and hasn't met anyone yet.

If you get back together the moment he finds someone else he will be out the door in a flash.

Do. Not. Take. Him. Back.

trojanpony · 18/11/2018 14:02

Well done - refusing to get back with him is the right choice

You’ve made a great life choice.

Original poster

littledarkage · 18/11/2018 15:26

Thanks for all replies and support.

I haven't heard anything from him today, but I feel oddly strong about this all. Hoping I can stay that way!

So reassuring to hear you all saying leave.

OP posts:

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 18/11/2018 15:29

Aside from the abuse and lack of support, I think it's telling you haven't put 'I love him' and 'he makes me happy' etc on the pro's list.

I think if you have to write a pros and cons list then they are not the right person for you

Shriek · 18/11/2018 18:26

You do sound strong too, and hopefully the strength of support for you hear will kepp you going strong.

Remember to block his number if he makes further contact.

Have you reported his abuses on 101, nothing has to happen but it will serve to protect you in future, and others that are unfortunate enough to come across him?

Have a better night tonight.

Claireshh · 18/11/2018 18:29

Stay strong. You are totally doing the right thing.

Beaverhausen · 18/11/2018 18:35

You can do so much better for yourself OP, he can't hence why he is trying it on again.

Quirky or not, every pot has a lid no matter how skew it is. :)

GabriellaMontez · 18/11/2018 18:38

Your list of cons should include things like

'does smelly farts, leaves trainers in the middle of the floor'

Well done for getting rid. Stay strong.

gendercritter · 18/11/2018 18:55

Be aware that he will probably turn on the charm and be very full on with telling you how much he loves you. He might promise all sorts. Be strong and stay away. Don't ever go back to anyone who has called you a cunt or been physically violent. That's not love.

FlippinNora1 · 18/11/2018 19:31

Block, run, block, do not look back. Stay strong, do not be bullied or charmed by him.

Fucking hell those cons are just I was expecting to read “farts in bed” or “keeps snakes” type of thing. Not strangulation!

If you ever feel the urge to get back with him write the list of cons out 100 times. No one needs that crap in their life. He is an abusive shit!

RhiWrites · 18/11/2018 19:59

I feel that there are other people out there who might ‘get’ OP but not try to strangle her.

Original poster

littledarkage · 04/06/2019 21:14

really sorry if I'm raising a zombie thread, I've just looked back on this and I want to thank everyone so so so much.

I stupidly let the saga continue for a while but I recently and finally said no! No more!

He's blocked from everything and I'm in intense therapy - there's so much more abuse than mentioned in my original post but seriously THANK YOU.

Mumsnet has helped me so so much where my only family never will.

You're all amazing and I'm so grateful x

OP posts:

marcopront · 05/06/2019 06:27

Well done.
Keep posting when you need support.

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