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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to help me see sense? Please.

97 replies

littledarkage · 17/11/2018 01:07

Hi there,

I've only posted once before but I'm always a lurker! I'm currently having a terrible time trying to decide what's right after my relationship broke down.

To put it simply, he wants to get back together. It was 5.5 year relationship, my first and only, we split mutually at the start of the year but it was initiated by him.

I'm struggling to decide what's right. Do I give it another ago? Especially as he's keen? Or cut ties once and for all?

I'm going to do my best to summarise but appreciate it is difficult asking strangers.

Pros:
He gets me, I'm a little odd but it never fazed him
Always felt comfortable being myself or having lazy days together
Similar taste it music and film, holidays etc
Pretty similar morals and values
Very occasionally has taken me surprise by big gestures I.e my birthday took me abroad to see my favourite artist

Cons:
He is angry - I grew up in an angry household and I can't stand it
Doesn't support my mental health despite issues of his own
Called me a c* several times
Told me to get out of his sight several times
Once and only once whilst drunk pinned me to the floor by my neck
My family aren't really very keen
Rejected my kisses on several occasions
Massive hypochondriac

We split 8 months ago but since he has wanted to meet or go on these odd dates which aren't really dates, one times he unexpectedly kisses me and the next shows no interest.

I'm utterly confused by it all. Sorry that was an essay but thanks for reading!

OP posts:
Shriek · 17/11/2018 03:40

With a list of cons like that, any 'pros' are completely irrelevant.
It's relationships that you write pros and cons about. What you had was a near miss, certainly nothing to do with a 'relationship', sorry.
He's messing with your head. All that you say has happened, the toing and froing, that's abuse, so is the avoiding kisses, its all designed to put you down and intimidate you, make you insecure and worried.
I hope you hope for more for you, you deserve it.
That lovely beautiful south song! So true! Most apt

marcopront · 17/11/2018 04:10

A question to ask yourself is

Is the fucking you're getting worth the fucking you're getting?

As with many others I think the answer is no.

Smallplant · 17/11/2018 04:27

Absolutely absolutely don't get back with him. I actually think the "big romantic gestures" is a warning sign more than anything. He is verbally and physically abusive towards you, but he can point towards these big romantic gestures to show what a "great" partner he is. If you question it, he can use that to show you're "ungrateful".

You deserve a man who shows his love to you in small acts every day, for example by supporting your mental health. Please don't go back to him.

Blanchedupetitpois · 17/11/2018 04:32

Oh, please don’t Flowers those are very big cons. You need someone who is never abusive, not even once. You don’t deserve to be treated this way.

Shoxfordian · 17/11/2018 05:52

Don't get back together with him. He's abusive.

WitchyMcWitchface · 17/11/2018 06:09

Ime people's traits become more entrenched and more notable as they age so someone with anger issues I would steer clear of.

Hisaishi · 17/11/2018 06:12

It sounds like you have low self-esteem and think that because you're a little 'odd' you should put up with any old shit. You really shouldn't. I'm a little odd myself and put up with shitty men for half my life, thinking I should be grateful.

You really really don't have to.

aussiemum8 · 17/11/2018 06:14

No. No. Nope. No way.

userabcname · 17/11/2018 06:23

No no no. Do not ever let anyone treat you so badly again. Verbal and physical abuse is unacceptable. Do not take him back!!

Mummadeeze · 17/11/2018 06:36

Count yourself lucky you are out of this relationship. Many women, including myself, are constantly worrying and planning and soul searching on how to get out of similar relationships. The anger will get worse as the relationship deteriorated over time, or the abusive coldness and sulking will. Both of which are soul destroying. You don’t sound like you have very high self esteem (not judging, neither do I) and he will damage that more. Try to tell yourself you deserve someone who is steady and kind who builds you up, who your family like. I wish I had found someone like that now as I have spent 15 years worrying about my relationship which is a massive waste of my life and mental prowess. Really hope you are listening to all the advice.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/11/2018 06:36

Be glad to have escaped safely. Don’t go back.

Didactylos · 17/11/2018 06:47

your list of pros are pretty lukewarm - gets me, similar taste in music, film holiday, occasasional large gestures. Nice but you could find these and perhaps much more with another person.

I dont think your values and morals agree since he seems to think it acceptable to act on his anger, call you a cunt and throttle you. Your cons list is a set of red flags for continued abuse and ongoing unhappieness. Please dont get back with him!

papersmile · 17/11/2018 06:49

No

Nofunkingworriesmate · 17/11/2018 06:52

There are a million men who will get you and who you will feel comfortable with and who will spoil you on your birthday

You only need one to strangle you once- out of interest what lead up to him strangling you ?

HelenMummyof2 · 17/11/2018 06:56

Pinned you to the floor by your neck? Alarm bells for sure. Don't go back Op.

Look forward to the future and good luck.

Waitedtoolong · 17/11/2018 07:12

I’d be surprised if anyone on here would suggest you give it another go OP.

Original poster
littledarkage · 17/11/2018 12:25

Thank you all so very much.

You've really helped me realise how wrong it all is and I'm going to put a final end to it.

And the song lyrics really made me smile!

OP posts:
Shriek · 17/11/2018 12:59

Oh well done.
But just cut him off. Don't bother to engage with him. Just send a cold text, sayibg, sorry, no, its over, I don't want to do this anymore,then block his number and don't look back!
Be prepared for him to turn up, please don't answer the door. He has your answer.
If he gets nasty or won't go away, call the police

Original poster
littledarkage · 17/11/2018 16:32

I don't know if anyone is following this but just an update - I told him, and I wasn't harsh at all, and he said how he can't believe my behaviour.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 17/11/2018 16:44

What behaviour?? Having the nerve to turn him down?!

AsleepAllDay · 17/11/2018 16:44

No no no no no no

Fridaydreamer · 17/11/2018 16:47

Even just one thing from your cons list would have me running a mile, never mind them all!

He’s abusive. Don’t take him back please.

There are men who do all of the pro list and none of the con list I promise.

JEMSY30 · 17/11/2018 16:50

The cons greatly outweigh the pros. I would cut ties and move on

Catpyjama · 17/11/2018 16:50

No no no

No pros could outweigh those cons.

Don't engage with him any more. You've done so well to get away this quickly.

MrsTerryPratcett · 17/11/2018 16:56

I told him, and I wasn't harsh at all, and he said how he can't believe my behaviour.

Arsehole acted like an arsehole. ¯\(ツ)/¯

Made the right decision.

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