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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husbands drinking

78 replies

colswife · 16/11/2018 20:59

Hello.

So a little bit of background. My parents were alcoholics, I had a horrendous childhood looking after them, and my sister when we were younger.

I probably have a very unhealthy attitude to alcohol as in I get on to my husband when he has a drink. I don’t mind him having a drink, but I mind (very much) if he gets drunk or he drinks too often. I actually nag him, I go in bad moods with him. I’m not saying I don’t have a drink I do, but it’s only when I’m going out, and I know when to stop, I know what I can and cannot drink.

My husband used to have a drink at the weekend, but he wouldn’t ever get drunk (he would only normally get drunk when out with his friends which is very rare), but then it started going onto spirits, he would have a couple of glasses at night, then it started to get to nearly every night, but still only a couple of glasses a night. We are in Scotland, so the amount you are allowed to drink is very low.

I would lie worrying in bed when he was getting up for work the next day.

I spoke to him about his drinking, told him I wasn’t happy, but I feel he isn’t listening to me, he just says he will be okay, it’s fine, he will be fine to drive the next day but it bugs me BIG TIME.

I HATE it that he drinks every night, I would actually rather he didn’t drink at all, but I know that would be unfair to him (he isn’t my parents).

He knows what I came from, he knows everything about my childhood and I just feel he doesn’t listen to me at all, it’s like he is dismissing me and my feelings.

So is it me, is it just my unhealthy attitude towards alcohol.

OP posts:
Original poster
colswife · 16/11/2018 21:00

Reading that back, I obviously do mind him having a drink!

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 16/11/2018 21:03

I find it difficult to know if you're being unreasonable or not. Is he drinking enough to get drunk? Is it affecting his speech? Is he still over the limit the next morning? (Get a home testing kit from Halford)

I'd say if you're unhappy about it, then it's obviously problem, particularly as he knows your background.

Holdingonbarely · 16/11/2018 21:03

Yes I think you’re being unreasonable.
He has a couple of drinks of an evening, not great, not horrendous.
You’re childhood issues are just that, yours.
Lying in bed worrying is unhealthy.
Why do you think you’re husband is going to end up like your family?

WithAFaeryHandInHand · 16/11/2018 21:05

We are in Scotland, so the amount you are allowed to drink is very low.

I don’t really understand this part, sorry. Do you mean when driving?

This is so hard. My family has had its share of alcoholism and then some. I am quite careful with how much I drink and I wouldn’t like to drink every night, but I think a lot of people do.

I don’t think your dp sounds like a raging alcoholic or anything, but it doesn’t help that you had such a horrible time with your parents’ drinking.

One of my relatives is very sensitive about alcohol as a result of her parents’ drinking too. I understand it, but occasionally she is a bit OTT imo. It’s hard to say without knowing your dp and how much he’s drinking.

The bottom line is, if you can’t bear to be around it and he won’t stop then you can’t be around him.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 16/11/2018 21:06

So he literally only have a few glasses of drink a night? Wouldn't bother me as long as its past wine o'clock.

Holidayshopping · 16/11/2018 21:07

I feel sorry for your husband actually. You basically want him to drink either nothing at all or only as much as you decree is ‘ok’.

What does he say to you when you nag him and get into moods with him over this?

AuntMarch · 16/11/2018 21:09

I believe Scotland is zero tolerance for drink driving so large amounts not necessarily needed to still have traces in the morning.

I would be concerned about someone drinking every night when it is something that has developed over time like this rather than being the way he has always been.

Original poster
colswife · 16/11/2018 21:11

Thank you everyone for replying. When I say the amount you are allowed to drink is small what I mean is for driving the next day.

He doesn’t ever get drunk, it doesn’t affect his speech etc, it’s a couple of glasses a night.

holdingonbarely I’m just so scared incase he turns into an alcoholic, honestly my childhood was horrendous, I left home as soon as I could infact my sister is a bit of a drinker

OP posts:
WithAFaeryHandInHand · 16/11/2018 21:13

Sorry to wheel out this old chestnut, but have you had counselling? Not because I think you’re being especially U not to like your dh drinking every night. But just because of your childhood.

Holdingonbarely · 16/11/2018 21:14

I think you need to get help on this. How you react to him is not normal. Lots of people drink every night. If he’s having 2 drinks he’s doing 14 units which is ok.

You really need to put this into perspective. You’re naturally anxious around this, but you will destroy your relationship.
He’s not getting drunk every night.
He’s not binge drinking

Original poster
colswife · 16/11/2018 21:16

Holidayshopping I feel sorry for him too, honestly I do, but I just can’t help myself. I’ve had to go through a lot of counselling because of my parents alcohol.

Whenever I nag him about it (and I know I nag him), he just says “I’m not your dad or your mum”.

It’s just he drinks every single night and it really annoys me. I spoke to a counsellor at work (not an official session, more of a friendly word), she says she can udnerstand where I’m coming from, thinks it’d s bit “off” that he isn’t respecting my feelings, but feel we need to find an equal ground ie, he just has a drink at the weekend!

OP posts:
comeasyouare1 · 16/11/2018 21:17

I went through similar with both my parents too, both now dead due to alcohol related illnesses. The scars and worry from what you've seen are impacting. I know because I'm the same. Sadly, if you see a very negative picture of alcohol use it's difficult to see it any other way. Have you tried explaining to him why you feel the way you do?

pineapple95 · 16/11/2018 21:18

Let him be, for goodness sake! YOU have a problem with drinking, not him.

comeasyouare1 · 16/11/2018 21:19

Wow @pineapple95 that's helpful.........

Holdingonbarely · 16/11/2018 21:19

The problem is, he’s his own person. He’s not doing anything unreasonable.

Imagine if someone said to you, you couldn’t do something you liked because of some people that were not you. How would that make you feel. From his POV. I would think you’re thinking that I was the same as them and that would make me sad and angry. You can’t tar everyone with the same brush.

Original poster
colswife · 16/11/2018 21:20

I’ve had counselling for quite a while for my childhood, it hasn’t made things any easier, I hate being round drunk men, I’m scared being round drunk men (not that my dad every did anything to me or my sister, he was fine with us, but I saw a lot of domestic violence between him and my mum).

OP posts:
Original poster
colswife · 16/11/2018 21:20

Oh and I should say my husband has never ever been violent or argumentative with me

OP posts:
WithAFaeryHandInHand · 16/11/2018 21:22

It’s a really difficult one.

I mean, he’s entitled to drink what he likes and he doesn’t seem to drink all that excessively. And arguably, if you can’t bear to be around drinking, you should only have considered dating someone who was teetotal. But, you say, he used to drink less?

The relative who I mentioned up thread who is quite sensitive about people drinking around her due to her parents’ drinking, used to have a boyfriend. When they first started dating he hardly drank at all, out of respect for her feelings. But as the relationship progressed and they spent more and more time together he couldn’t keep up the no drinking thing and he started drinking a bit in front of her, which made her uncomfortable.

I think you need to discuss it with him properly, rather than nagging. And maybe consider more counselling; not a chat with a colleague, actual counselling. It sounds like you had a very difficult time growing up with that Flowers.

Original poster
colswife · 16/11/2018 21:23

pineapple95 I know the problem is mine but you have NO idea what I experienced my childhood, so it’s easy for you to say let him be!!

Let’s put it this way if i was a child living with my parents in this day my sister and I would have been put into care and we wouldn’t have been allowed to see my parents

OP posts:
Holdingonbarely · 16/11/2018 21:25

Op. You’re going to drive a serious wedge between you.
I mean serious. You have to deal with this anxiety. You could make him give up altogether, but do you think that’s fair?

A580Hojas · 16/11/2018 21:27

Alarm bells would be ringing for me with anyone who drank every night.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 16/11/2018 21:29

A couple of glasses a night, for a man, is not going to affect his ability to drive. I would say it takes at least 5 drinks a night to show up on a breathalyser 9 hours later.

pineapple95 · 16/11/2018 21:30

But your childhood is nothing to do with your husband. It's not his fault. If you wanted a life partner who didn't drink alcohol, you should have made that clear and rejected anyone who drinks alcohol.

OliviaBenson · 16/11/2018 21:33

My dad was an alcoholic op. I get the fear, nobody who hasn't had that upbringing gets to judge, it's horrific.

I'd also be concerned, his drinking is increasing. Having a drink every night is not good for anyone. Why does he do it? Have you asked him calmly to stop?

It's ok if his drinking is your line in the sand. I'd be the same.

CrookedMe · 16/11/2018 21:33

Your feelings are understandable given your background Thanks but saying that, I would also consider drinking every single day something of a problem.