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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husbands drinking

78 replies

colswife · 16/11/2018 20:59

Hello.

So a little bit of background. My parents were alcoholics, I had a horrendous childhood looking after them, and my sister when we were younger.

I probably have a very unhealthy attitude to alcohol as in I get on to my husband when he has a drink. I don’t mind him having a drink, but I mind (very much) if he gets drunk or he drinks too often. I actually nag him, I go in bad moods with him. I’m not saying I don’t have a drink I do, but it’s only when I’m going out, and I know when to stop, I know what I can and cannot drink.

My husband used to have a drink at the weekend, but he wouldn’t ever get drunk (he would only normally get drunk when out with his friends which is very rare), but then it started going onto spirits, he would have a couple of glasses at night, then it started to get to nearly every night, but still only a couple of glasses a night. We are in Scotland, so the amount you are allowed to drink is very low.

I would lie worrying in bed when he was getting up for work the next day.

I spoke to him about his drinking, told him I wasn’t happy, but I feel he isn’t listening to me, he just says he will be okay, it’s fine, he will be fine to drive the next day but it bugs me BIG TIME.

I HATE it that he drinks every night, I would actually rather he didn’t drink at all, but I know that would be unfair to him (he isn’t my parents).

He knows what I came from, he knows everything about my childhood and I just feel he doesn’t listen to me at all, it’s like he is dismissing me and my feelings.

So is it me, is it just my unhealthy attitude towards alcohol.

OP posts:
TheBlueDot · 16/11/2018 22:36

OP I get you. If he’s drinking every night it must feel like he ‘needs’ it, so the slippery slope to an addiction.

It can’t be good for the body to have to process alcohol every single day. Would he be prepared to have a few nights each week with no drinking? If not, I don’t think any amount of counselling is going to reduce your anxiety about this.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 16/11/2018 22:38

Drinking nightly is not normal
Seriously? Everyone I know opens a bottle of wine every night after work.

Canshopwillshop · 16/11/2018 22:42

Walkingdeadfangirl - me too!

Mummyshark2018 · 16/11/2018 22:42

@Walkingdeadfangirl
I don't know anybody that drinks every night. Maybe every other night and maybe every weekend night (like myself- I like to socialise) . Unless they're lying , in that case maybe they feel uncomfortable about it??

PinguDance · 16/11/2018 22:45

I don’t think drinking every night is normal or desirable. I wouldn’t like this either although I wouldn’t necessarily be worried he’d become and alcoholic- more that he might be unhealthy.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 16/11/2018 22:46

Canshopwillshop Thank you.

What does anyone else do to relax when they put the kids to bed, if not have some chardonnay?

masterandmargarita · 16/11/2018 22:48

I think you need to let your past go. So your dh is not a problem when he's drinking but you've decided he's a problem drinker Hmm

Wolfiefan · 16/11/2018 22:49

If you have to drink to relax and have to drink every evening then that isn’t healthy at all. There are so many ways to destress and you really should have some nights alcohol free.
OP I don’t blame you. I would feel the same.

LizzieBennettDarcy · 16/11/2018 22:50

I'd be worried sick about my DH if he was drinking every night, regardless of how many units it was.

Canshopwillshop · 16/11/2018 22:52

Walkingdeadfangirl - exactly! Chardonnay here too - cheers 😊

masterandmargarita · 16/11/2018 22:56

Mmm the slippery slope to addiction eh? Try telling that to my 82 year old mother who's had a g and t every night for the last 20 years if not more. Far worse is over eating and not exercising.

Lovestonap · 16/11/2018 22:57

This is a tricky one. It seems his choosing to drink alcohol is having no negative effect on you (other than your dislike of alcohol) and so on the surface it would be unreasonable to expect him to stop doing this perfectly legal thing in his own home.

However, I'd be interested in why his pattern of drinking has changed as that might hint at an underlying issue for him, and it's possibly the tension of that change that you are picking up on.

Try and find out why he drinks more now, and then work on improving that together.

You couldn't control your parents and you couldn't leave. You can't control your husband but you can leave. This is in no way me saying LTB of course, but it might be important for you to remember you're not trapped and powerless anymore, and you can walk away from scary situations.

peachgreen · 16/11/2018 22:59

I don't have any history of alcoholism in my family and it would worry me if my husband drank spirits every night. I don't think you're being U at all OP. For one thing, it's a lot of money!

Wolfiefan · 16/11/2018 23:01

Nobody is saying the next step is vodka on his cornflakes in the morning. Alcohol consumption puts stress on the body to process what is effectively a poison.
Advice is to have some drink free days. Give your body a rest. Absolutely nothing wrong with having a glass or two. But a couple of large glasses a night soon adds up. It’s bad for your waistline, wallet and health.
And if alcohol is truly the only way you can relax then that really isn’t healthy.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 16/11/2018 23:24

A lot of people would rather relax with a drink every night and live to be 75, than go T-Total every night and live to be 80. Its personal preference.

Quality over quantity.

MondayTuesdayWednesday · 16/11/2018 23:27

Drinking alcohol every single night is not normal and certainly not good for your health. Even if he is not over the limit for driving the next day it would still be having a negative impact on his health. The fact that it has escalated is also a concern.

If I knew that my partner was upset with something I was doing every single night and it was something I didn’t need to do then I would listen to their concerns.

You don’t have to be falling down drunk every night to have an alcohol problem.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable and I’m quite shocked at the responses here minimising the OP’s concerns.

masterandmargarita · 16/11/2018 23:27

Or you could live to be 80 and beyond and have a drink every night.

peachgreen · 16/11/2018 23:28

Nobody's saying anyone should be tee-total but drinking every single night - and drinking three or four times the recommended unit intake in a week - is not just "personal preference", it's unhealthy at best and functional alcoholism at worst. Doing so when it's clearly causing your partner distress - and for good reason - is particularly unreasonable.

FaithInfinity · 16/11/2018 23:39

colswife I can understand why you’re concerned. His alcohol consumption has gradually increased from a couple on the weekend to a point where he’s drinking every day. I think it’s hard with your background to accept, especially since he knows your concerns and he seems to be ignoring them!

I don’t think most people I know drink every day!
What does anyone else do to relax when they put the kids to bed, if not have some chardonnay? I have a bath, watch TV, have a hot chocolate, read a good book, do some crochet. I’m a HCP in a critical care area. I don’t drink the night before I go to work. I need a clear head in the morning. I like a gin but only on occasion. Maybe my view is skewed because I used to drink quite a lot, I’ve learned to relax without alcohol and I’m much happier like this.

thighofrelief · 16/11/2018 23:42

OP on his bottle of gin how many units does it say? I think this is very tricky, I'm a recovering alcoholic (6 years sober), and if i were ever to date again it wouldn't have to be to a teetotaller. But it would have to be someone to whom alcohol was not important. So wine o'clock would be too much for me. I had an ex who drank one can of lager every night after work. I understand that, to him it punctuated the end of the day. But never a 2nd can, it's difficult when you have alcohol issues but don't live in a teetotal world. Does the smell bother you or are you afraid that it will become 6 drinks a night. If he is always sober around you can you cope with that? I have banned alcohol in my house, i don't like unclear lines around alcohol and that is one i can control but it is your DH house too.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 16/11/2018 23:58

Drinking alcohol every single night is not normal
Can you define what you mean by normal? Because having a few drinks every evening is very common, so you could argue its pretty normal.

anchovyomelette · 17/11/2018 00:10

A bottle of gin every 5 days is a lot, and drinking every night is not a good thing (and I like a drink myself!)!).

Maybe just say to him that you are worried about the health risks and would he consider having a couple of nights a week when he doesn't drink. I honestly think if he won't consider doing this, he could potentially be developing a dependence on alcohol.

notdaddycool · 17/11/2018 00:21

Drinking every night is not good or normal.

SnipSnipMisterBurgess · 17/11/2018 00:32

I think for the op it is that she has known her dp for so long, he knows her background and how worried this makes her. And his habit has now changed to nightly. And she’s entitled to not like it, and to express that. Parallel to that, objectively, drinking 7/7 nights is not advised. So she has both the life preference and the general guidelines backing up her view. So she’s not BU, and it’s hard for her to accept her dp is not seeing that.

Swimmer56 · 17/11/2018 07:40

OP, can you get to Al-Anon? You need the experience in those meetings. IMHO counselling is hit and miss around alcohol issues. Many professionals don’t get it.
I too grew up with an alcoholic father. I have had many years of help. No other way out.

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