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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My husbands drinking

78 replies

colswife · 16/11/2018 20:59

Hello.

So a little bit of background. My parents were alcoholics, I had a horrendous childhood looking after them, and my sister when we were younger.

I probably have a very unhealthy attitude to alcohol as in I get on to my husband when he has a drink. I don’t mind him having a drink, but I mind (very much) if he gets drunk or he drinks too often. I actually nag him, I go in bad moods with him. I’m not saying I don’t have a drink I do, but it’s only when I’m going out, and I know when to stop, I know what I can and cannot drink.

My husband used to have a drink at the weekend, but he wouldn’t ever get drunk (he would only normally get drunk when out with his friends which is very rare), but then it started going onto spirits, he would have a couple of glasses at night, then it started to get to nearly every night, but still only a couple of glasses a night. We are in Scotland, so the amount you are allowed to drink is very low.

I would lie worrying in bed when he was getting up for work the next day.

I spoke to him about his drinking, told him I wasn’t happy, but I feel he isn’t listening to me, he just says he will be okay, it’s fine, he will be fine to drive the next day but it bugs me BIG TIME.

I HATE it that he drinks every night, I would actually rather he didn’t drink at all, but I know that would be unfair to him (he isn’t my parents).

He knows what I came from, he knows everything about my childhood and I just feel he doesn’t listen to me at all, it’s like he is dismissing me and my feelings.

So is it me, is it just my unhealthy attitude towards alcohol.

OP posts:

Oblomov18 · 16/11/2018 21:35

YABVU and I think you know this. More counselling is needed? Straight away?

Holdingonbarely · 16/11/2018 21:35

No one is judging the op.
We are saying it’s irational to compare your dh who doesn’t drink much, never shown any signs of being an alcoholic, never been abusive, never raised his voice to your abusive alcoholic parents.
That’s what the op needs help for, it is incredibly easy to project fear. But it is deeply bad for anyone to do that

Treaclepie19 · 16/11/2018 21:36

I think you're getting a hard time OP.
People who haven't grown up with alcoholics around them will say It's you're problem and not his... except he married you knowing about this. Not that it means you can control his drinking, but that you should be able to discuss your worries and work through it together.
The same as if he had a worry with you.
I have no advice really, but I hope you can talk it through.

rosie1959 · 16/11/2018 21:36

You know OP that he is not an alcoholic Having a couple of drinks every night does not make him any think like it
Your husband does not drink heavily and even if he did that still wouldn't necessarily make him an alcoholic
The problem sadly is yours not his
You really have to let this go or you will both suffer Hope you find a way to do this as you are being over obsessive about this in the same way an alcoholic is about alcohol

Original poster

colswife · 16/11/2018 21:37

pineapple95 we met when we were both st school he seen what my parents were like. He didn’t used to drink every night, infact for many years he only drank when he went out which as I’ve said is very rare, it moved on over the years from that to at the weekend, to every night.

OP posts:

Holdingonbarely · 16/11/2018 21:38

You couldn’t control your parents, so perhaps youre thinking you can try to control your dh and then it will all be ok.

Life just doesn’t work like that, you can’t put people into boxes that you want them to stay in.

OliviaBenson · 16/11/2018 21:41

We are saying it’s irational to compare your dh who doesn’t drink much, never shown any signs of being an alcoholic, never been abusive, never raised his voice to your abusive alcoholic parents.

But he does drink a lot- he drinks every night.

It's a slippery slope and having lived through it myself, I think the op is right to be uncomfortable here.

Original poster

colswife · 16/11/2018 21:43

oblomov18 I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. None of my friends or their husbands drink as often as my husband, and neither do any of his family. I do agree I think I need to go back to counselling.

I know it’s only a couple of glasses a night, and it doesn’t affect him as in he’s not drunk or slurring his words, but it’s spirits (Gin), so a bottle will last him about 5 days, and he’s pouring them.

I do honestly appreciate everyone commenting

OP posts:

Junkmail · 16/11/2018 21:45

I know exactly where you’re coming from OP. I’m very sensitive to drinking because of an alcoholic parent and it’s really hard not to let your own issues creep onto others—I understand. My husband doesn’t drink and neither do I unless we’re on holiday and I’ll have a couple of beers or whatever. I have explained to him exactly why drinking makes me uncomfortable and have explained my exact thought process behind it (as illogical as it may be) and he said he could live without drinking. I don’t know if it’s worth having the same convo with your husband? He may know what you went through but does he truly understand how you feel about it now? My brother drinks—nothing crazy, totally normal but I just can’t be around it and make excuses not to go to anything that I know will involve drinking. Same with a few friends although a lot of them don’t drink anyway for lots of reasons. It’s really hard because I know I’m being unfair but at the same time I can’t help how I feel. It’s my issue to work through at some point so I try to be conscious of not projecting but it’s very hard.

CrookedMe · 16/11/2018 21:46

On any other thread where the DH drank a bottle of gin every five days the OP would be told he was an alcoholic. Sometimes MN is extremely contrary.

Unihorn · 16/11/2018 21:48

Drinking every night does sound like a lot to me, and I also grew up with alcoholism in the family so I would share your concerns. Whether or not your concerns are rational, I still think that your husband should respect them a bit more given what he knows about your past. It surely wouldn't be a great stretch for him to have 2 or 3 nights alcohol free a week?

If you spoke honestly about it, do you feel there's an "acceptable" amount he should drink? Because if you can't get around the idea of him drinking a few drinks a few times a week then I do think YABU.

pineapple95 · 16/11/2018 21:48

And so, when your husband kept escalating his drinking, what did you do? Again, repeating what many people have said, he is not a dangerous alcoholic. He is enjoying a drink sometimes. Please get counselling or something, and stop blaming your husband for your difficulties!

Holdingonbarely · 16/11/2018 21:50

Well the difference between saying 2 drinks a night and a bottle of gin every 5 days is big.

Nemesia · 16/11/2018 21:50

28 units in a bottle of gin, over 5 nights IS a lot!

Original poster

colswife · 16/11/2018 21:51

Just to give a little bit of insight to my childhood (I’m not trying to justify how I’m feeling but maybe it will show why I’m like this).

I used to sit in school, worrying about what it would be like when I went home (I’m talking about when I was 8, looking after my sister who was 6), having to hide the kitchen knifes because there would always be a fight and my mum would always try to stab my dad. My dad pestering my mum for sex when they were both drunk (yes in front of me, I would always hide my sister from this). My dad dragging my mum about the house by the hair, flipping her off the chair in the living room. My mum wetting herself sitting in the chair and me having to clean her up. My dad pawing the local prostitute on the couch in our living room whilst mum was at work.
BUT when they were sober, it was good, life was so good and they were such loving parents.

My husband knows all these things and more, I’ve told him it annoys me he drinks every night, and I know I need more counselling.

OP posts:

Original poster

colswife · 16/11/2018 21:54

pineapple95 I never once blamed my husband for my difficulties, where did you get that from any of my posts!??? I blame my parents for my difficulties, and I blame myself that I can’t get over them.

OP posts:

Original poster

colswife · 16/11/2018 21:59

Unihorn if he only drank at the weekend, that would be acceptable. He used to just drink at the weekend and even though I didn’t like it, I never said anything to him about it.

OP posts:

Walkingdeadfangirl · 16/11/2018 22:00

28 units in a bottle of gin, over 5 nights IS a lot!
Not really, 5 units a night is like 2 glasses of wine. After a sleep you are 100% sober. If he is controlling it its fine. If he is on a slippery slope and its getting worse all the time then its a worry. So far it seems ops past is whats causing the fear.

Nemesia · 16/11/2018 22:10

But that is 40 units a week, nearly 3x the recommended level of drinking, especially with no alcohol free nights, I'd say it was already a slippery slope.

Ariela · 16/11/2018 22:12

Does he have a proper spirit measure? I'd buy him one so he knows exactly the amount he's drinking. It's probably smaller amount than a 'pour some out of the bottle' guess, and it may also make him more aware of how much he is drinking and whether he's drinking enough to being over the limit the next day.
If he lost his licence that'd have a huge impact on your family/life.

WithAFaeryHandInHand · 16/11/2018 22:15

Spirits are a bugger that way. You can pour a normal looking drink which is actually a lot more than it seems.

Could you persuade him to switch to bottled beer / cider?

Oh! Or those pre-mixed cans of G&T?

Rednaxela · 16/11/2018 22:24

This thread is bizarre.

Drinking EVERY NIGHT is NOT NORMAL.

Sorry for shouting but really

OP this would bother me massively and I have no relevant family background.

When someone drinks, I'm talking to the drink not the person.

That level of drinking is a huge red flag of something serious going on underneath.

Happy people don't drink. Alcohol is a drug. It changes one's mood. Unhappy people drink to try and feel better.

Yanbu OP

Holidayshopping · 16/11/2018 22:26

Happy people don't drink.

Really?!

Mummyshark2018 · 16/11/2018 22:31

OP if I were you I would be worried as drinking every night to me is worrying. Guidance says we should have ideally 2 non drinking days a week- for the liver. Questions to me would be:
Does he get drunk every night? And/or
Does his personality change?
Does it affect his mood negatively?

Ceilingrose · 16/11/2018 22:35

Drinking nightly is not normal

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