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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New guy said this, AIBU to not be happy??

114 replies

Heeeeelpme · 16/11/2018 17:33

Started dating a lovely guy- all going well.

I won't go into details but we're both into certain different sexual things that are completely new to the other person.

He's always been willing and tries my 'thing' but I feel uncomfortable and not ready to do the same yet for his.

He's told me he thinks both parties should be willing to try things and it should be a two way street because he's tried mine even after I've explained that people's comfort levels are different and I'm just not comfortable with the idea especially because we've only just started dating- I have asked if this is a dealbreaker- He assures me it's not- But he does keep trying to work it into conversations even though I've already told him. AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 16/11/2018 20:36

I'm just assuming that if he didn't like her thing, he wouldn't try it :)

he should have been upfront at the start, instead of leading him on to think she would try his thing/s only to reneg.
I can't find the bit on the thread where she suggested that she would do his thing?

SalemBlackCat4 · 16/11/2018 20:39

How do you know if you like something unless you try it? You can try something for example a certain dish of food and find you don't like it.

FourRustedHorses · 16/11/2018 20:41

It doesn't depend on what the tastes are. No is no.

For all we know the OP might just like to have a shag in nice fancy undies or in different rooms or something benign for the most part whereas the partner may be more into anal, spanking and BDSM.

If it is BDSM ( I am against it personally honesty and all that) I can fully appreciate the OP wishing to wait and build trust. Him pressuring her does not build trust.

However, with the partner so eager to do what she fancies it does scream that he almost expected OP gets what she wants so he is entitled to what he wants.

This is a red flag OP, he should do things with you because he wants to no because he's getting his kinky fix you might not want to do.

Llongyfarchiadau · 16/11/2018 20:43

SalemBlackCat4 I know myself well. I know that I could never like anal sex despite never having tried it.

magoria · 16/11/2018 20:43

I think if you are not going to try the thing he wants it is best to end the relationship.

He clearly likes and wants whatever it is and so will keep bringing it up in the hopes it will happen.

End it so he can go and find someone who wants to do the same thing as him.

FourRustedHorses · 16/11/2018 20:45

I know myself well. I know that I could never like anal sex despite never having tried it.

I know myself well too. I know, despite never trying it, that a ball gag, being tied to the bed with no way of escaping ON MY OWN would send me in to a severe panic attack. I don't need to try it to know that. Same with anal. I have IBS and no one is going near my arse.

mylightbulbmoment · 16/11/2018 20:46

You're sexually incompatible and for that reason you should end it.

Renarde1975 · 16/11/2018 20:49

Err no to all the PP who have said she might have led him down the garden path.

This is NOT how consent works. You can agree one day then change your mind the next. Or indeed at ANY point. We dont know what it is that the OP is getting twitchy about but it's utterly irrelevant.

I am massively into kink. An example for me would be hit with a wooden paddle but yet am perfectly happy to be flogged, caned etc. Just not that.

1 - It fucking hurts
2 - An ex used to do it with me and now I have bad memories.

Another ex tried this - consensually - with me. I got triggered. Grabbed the paddle and then lobbed it a good 30 or so metres out of the garden. So satisfying.

He wasn't to know and neither was I that I would get pushed back so to speak. But the OP is articulating, I perceive that she is uncomfortable and that demands being honoured.

WhyAmISoCold · 16/11/2018 20:52

I was going to say I bet it's anal too.

Keeping on when you have said no is a massive turn off. He was free to give your thing a go, you are free to not want to give his thing a go.

I'd love to know the difference in the 2 things. I bet it's a massive difference.

dontalltalkatonce · 16/11/2018 20:56

*I think lots of men do this during sex without even discussing it first

It's wrong but it happens especially to friends who've had one night stands*

I saw a case on 48 Hours in Police custody where a man was prosecuted for rape for that.

AbsentmindedWoman · 16/11/2018 20:56

Interesting that the quite a few posters are leaning towards thinking the male partner wants to dominate the OP.

In reality (as opposed to M/F 'mainstream' porn, which tends to feature a lot of men dominating women) I think plenty of men are curious about submitting/ bottoming. I'm now wondering if this guy is into cock and ball torture, or something less 'scary' but perhaps psychologically challenging like he wants to drink OP's pee or lick the soles of her boots etc.

Renarde1975 · 16/11/2018 20:58

Yeah me too @cold

It also could be threesome. My personal moneys' on that. Which is not kink in anyway shape or form.

Is he/was he a swinger I muse to myself...

Bluntness100 · 16/11/2018 20:58

Meh, I'd have assumed anal, there is a certain type of guy where that's the height of their sexual fantasy and all they want to do is try it and tell their mates about it.

Darklene · 16/11/2018 20:58

How do you know if you like something unless you try it? You can try something for example a certain dish of food and find you don't like it.

A huge part of sex is psychological so it’s entirely possible to know you would not like something for that reason. I know full well I would not like anal because even the thought of it turns me right off. Thanks but no thanks. Actually it even makes me feel angry that’s how much I hate the thought of it. Why would I even attempt to try something that makes me angry?

CaptainCabinets · 16/11/2018 21:05

Gonna tell us what it is then, OP?

OwlCurrency · 16/11/2018 21:05

I think it's irrelevant what it is. You should never feel under any pressure to do something you are not comfortable with sexually, no matter how ostensibly minor the request.

thereallochnessmonster · 16/11/2018 21:10

You've only just started dating and already he's badgering you into trying new things sexually that you don't want to do? What a prince.
You don't need an excuse to end things.

Butteredghost · 16/11/2018 21:11

Oh dear, get rid. Having a sex pest hanging around is awful. I was with a guy who was in to pee play, which although it wasn't my thing, I was happy to do for him occasionally. He constantly nagged and whined and begged. It got to the point he was bringing it up multiple times per day, in totally unrelated conversations. Eg, Me: we should go to the zoo some time. Him: ha ha you said wee". Or the tap is running to fill the sink for washing up, he comments "that sounds like someone peeing". It was horrible.

NoSquirrels · 16/11/2018 21:17

Thing is, OP is hardly likely to feel like trying whatever it ya, because consent is based on trust, sexual experimentation is based on trust, and how can you trust someone who keeps going on about the thing you told them you’re not ready?

I wouldn’t want to risk trying whatever it is with him because I wouldn’t be able to trust that if I wasn’t enjoying it or wanted to stop I would be listened to.

HeckyPeck · 16/11/2018 21:21

Because it sounds like you are reneging on the deal.

Sex is not a deal and either party can change their mind at any point.

No means no.

Conseulabananahammock · 16/11/2018 21:28

Anal is taking a bashing here tonight (pun intended)

Conseulabananahammock · 16/11/2018 21:31

Also combatbarbie i kinda agree, and get the feeling op may have strung along a bit to get her fill.
Sorry but sure sounds that way

MinisterForMagic · 16/11/2018 21:40

Isn't this called 'hard' and 'soft' limits? So, for example, you never have been tied up and you might be up for that, but anal sex is an absolute no no. If he doesn't respect that you have hard limits I would end it.

puzzledlady · 16/11/2018 21:44

Dump him - sexually your not compatible. Sorry OP.

Freakingouthelp9 · 16/11/2018 21:45

I said from the get go before anything happened that his thing was something that I would not be comfortable with at first, he always knew that. I don't know him well enough to try it. He is into my thing too but obviously not as much as he is into his thing so it's not like it was completely out of his comfort zone anyway