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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New guy said this, AIBU to not be happy??

114 replies

Heeeeelpme · 16/11/2018 17:33

Started dating a lovely guy- all going well.

I won't go into details but we're both into certain different sexual things that are completely new to the other person.

He's always been willing and tries my 'thing' but I feel uncomfortable and not ready to do the same yet for his.

He's told me he thinks both parties should be willing to try things and it should be a two way street because he's tried mine even after I've explained that people's comfort levels are different and I'm just not comfortable with the idea especially because we've only just started dating- I have asked if this is a dealbreaker- He assures me it's not- But he does keep trying to work it into conversations even though I've already told him. AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
Littlepond · 16/11/2018 18:18

No one should ever do anything sexual they don’t want want to. It’s not a transaction, there is no sexual debt, you don’t owe him anything.
A man shouldn’t want to do something sexual with a woman who doesn’t want to. It shouldn’t be enjoyable to do sex acts with an unwilling partner. If he would enjoy a sex act KNOWING YOU WERENT INTO IT then that is a HUGE red flag.

ReanimatedSGB · 16/11/2018 18:21

It doesn't matter what the specific sex things are that either of them want - if OP has said no thanks, that should be the end of it.

Though I would say OK, I have a tiny bit of sympathy for him, purely because, if OP waited until after he'd tried 'her' whatever to tell him that the idea of his freaked her out and it wouldn't be happening, I can see that coming across as a little bit selfish: it might have been more ethical to say upfront: No, mate. That's not my thing and never will be. I can just about see how he might feel that she used him to get her jollies without being willing to reciprocate.

Rachelover40 · 16/11/2018 18:23

Run for the hills. Don't even think of doing anything sexual that is not to your taste. If you try it once, and don't like it, he'll try to persuade you to 'give it time' or to make you feel there something wrong with you not wanting to try. Grrrr. Where did he learn it, from porn?

Get rid and find someone who likes natural, loving and fairly ordinary sex - ordinary is not boring.

Shirleyphallus · 16/11/2018 18:24

What are the things?

GreenEggsHamandChips · 16/11/2018 18:25

I think it could be a bit tough if he thought the relationship was based on a mutual desire to experiment.

That said and as someone posted above sex isn't transactional, you arent compatible. I'd end it now

MarthasGinYard · 16/11/2018 18:25

'What are the things?'

😆do tell

NoSquirrels · 16/11/2018 18:26

Whatever it is, she might be into it in time, but she is not right now.

She's even given him the option of saying it's a dealbreaker if she's never into it, in which case he could bugger off now.

Instead, he's saying it's fine, but acting another way.

Which is shitty behaviour.

His consent to her sex thing was his decision. Her consent to his sex thing is her decision.

If he thinks it's a quid pro quo situation he needs to wise up fast in his attitudes.

Cornettoninja · 16/11/2018 18:31

Well the basic fact is no one does anything their not comfortable with full stop.

However, given your wording here of ‘I’m not ready’ doesn’t imply a clear line tbh. IMHO you’re stating that you want to at some point hence his unattractive nagging.

If you decide the relationship is worth continuing then you need to tell him clearly that you don’t want to do this thing, you might be ready one day and you might never be ready, if he’s not okay with that then he needs to move on. If he is okay with it then he needs to stop nagging and accept you’ll let him know in your own time.

Cornettoninja · 16/11/2018 18:31

they’re

Quartz2208 · 16/11/2018 18:37

it should be a dealbreaker for you - your comfort and consent are not on his list of important things

Shirleyphallus · 16/11/2018 18:40

It doesn't matter what the specific sex things are that either of them want - if OP has said no thanks, that should be the end of it.

I disagree. If she’s in to pegging and he just wants to be kissed on the neck then that’s different isn’t it.

It really does depend on what the things are

ConciseandNice · 16/11/2018 18:42

He keeps trying because, it sounds like, you’ve not said ‘it’s a no and always a no’. He shouldn’t, don’t get me wrong, pestering is awful and bad. It may be that because he has tried your thing he thinks this is reciprocal. You are clearly sexually incompatible as you are not willing to give his shit a go (as is your right), so end it. You are BU if you stay with him. YANBU If you finish it.

mirialis · 16/11/2018 18:49

The only thing YABU about is questioning this (though understandable you want second opinions).

You are DATING and he keeps trying to work into the conversation something he knows makes you feel uncomfortable - imagine how he'd be once you were a bit more emotionally/practically locked into a relationship?

It's a pain as I'm sure you've enjoyed some good times with him... but he's shown you who he is now whilst you are dating, and how (un)seriously he takes your feelings, you must chalk it up to experience and remember no-one deserves to be with someone like that.

NotTheFordType · 16/11/2018 18:49

So he's been GGG for you but you're not (yet) willing to be GGG for him?

I guess my first question is why you were willing for him to try out your kink, knowing he wasn't really into it, so effectively coercing his consent?

TheBigFatMermaid · 16/11/2018 18:51

For those asking what the things are, it is irrelevant! Absolutely point blank, totally so!

If it was even tickling and the OP said no, then the OP has said no! Why keep asking what it is?

Is it so you can check whether it comes outside YOUR boundaries? That is not relevant either, we are discussing the OPs boundaries and whether or not is ok for her to be badgered into crossing them! Oh, and in case you are wondering, no it is not!

combatbarbie · 16/11/2018 18:53

Really......I have heard it all now.... she knew what his sexual preference was when they started dating and was quite happy for her preferences to be done! It's a bit like stringing someone in a pub for free drinks.

This is not him forcing her into non consensual sexual activity, he is getting fed up for waiting his turn..... he is vocalising his frustration..... communication, isn't that what MN bangs on about in relationships??

He may be harping on about it and it's getting annoying, but if your stringing him along knowing you have no intention to participate then let him go.....

OutPinked · 16/11/2018 18:53

So many posters will write this on MN across a variety of threads but every time I see it I nod and think yes, that’s so true.

It shouldn’t be difficult in the early days of a relationship/dating! If it is difficult, it just isn’t meant to be.

mirialis · 16/11/2018 18:55

He keeps trying to work into the conversation something he knows makes you feel uncomfortable.

That is it.

Why would you think that's someone with whom you will have a happy relationship? Doesn't matter who it is or what the subject matter is - they KNOW it makes you uncomfortable and won't let up. They don't care about you.

ravenmum · 16/11/2018 18:58

Coercing someone is when you make them do it, even though they don't want to. Like this guy is trying to do.

Coercing someone is not you telling them what you like and they are happy (or for all we know absolutely delighted) to give it a go.

WingingItStill · 16/11/2018 19:00

It’s anal isn’t it? Trust me, the badgering gets worse the longer the relationship. Run for the hills OP.

ReanimatedSGB · 16/11/2018 19:04

Generally, when it comes to sex activities you haven't yet tried (again, what it is doesn't matter), it's either:
a) I have always rather fancied doing that, let's give it a go
b) Never heard of it till I met you but it sounds appealing
c) Not really my thing but I don't mind giving it a go if it's important to you
d) Eek yuk arrgh, not in a million years.

It's possible that the problem is that OP's reaction to it is really d) but she's given or is giving the impression that it's c). It depends whether his reaction to her choice was a) b) or c), too. If it was c) in his case then his frustration is a bit more understandable.

Again, no one should agree to do anything sex-wise that is painful, scary, revolting or dangerous to them. But sex acts which please your partner and are not harmful to you but which give the partner physical pleasure and don't give you any... those are a slightly different matter. Think about oral - it's something most people do, and often it's something you might take turns to do . Being the one giving it isn't all that physically gratifying, on the whole, so you give it because you like to please your partner and you believe/know that they will do something enjoyable for you in the immediate future. But if one partner always wants to recieve and won't give, it's fair enough to get a bit cross about it.

combatbarbie · 16/11/2018 19:05

I think we need to know what both preferences are to give a better understanding....

I once dated a guy who wanted me to give him anal..... it's actually quite common as I've since found out.....

littlemisscomper · 16/11/2018 19:06

@Shirleyphallus

I'm probably going to regret asking this, but what's 'pegging'?

BestestBrownies · 16/11/2018 19:08

It's ALWAYS anal.

I'd be willing to bet my last 50p this ploy has been engineered to guilt trip the OP into giving him his turn.

Get rid of this conniving fuckwit ASAP

ReanimatedSGB · 16/11/2018 19:15

Bestest, that's a bit harsh. He willingly did the thing she liked, after mutual discussion and a mutual agreement that they would try each other's favourite things. For all we know, both of them have a different one of the more 'out there' kinks.

OP, if you know you really don't want to do his thing, just be upfront about it rather than saying you 'need to be ready', because stringing him along is a little bit unfair. But if you're already generally uncomfortable, just bin him and move on.