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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New guy said this, AIBU to not be happy??

114 replies

Heeeeelpme · 16/11/2018 17:33

Started dating a lovely guy- all going well.

I won't go into details but we're both into certain different sexual things that are completely new to the other person.

He's always been willing and tries my 'thing' but I feel uncomfortable and not ready to do the same yet for his.

He's told me he thinks both parties should be willing to try things and it should be a two way street because he's tried mine even after I've explained that people's comfort levels are different and I'm just not comfortable with the idea especially because we've only just started dating- I have asked if this is a dealbreaker- He assures me it's not- But he does keep trying to work it into conversations even though I've already told him. AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 16/11/2018 19:22

Bin him.

mirialis · 16/11/2018 19:22

The OP is:

"Started dating... AIBU to be pissed off?"

NO. You have started dating someone and there is something making you uncomfortable. It really shouldn't be difficult at this stage. Bin.

mirialis · 16/11/2018 19:23

No angst required during early dating if it's going somewhere good.

BigFatLiar · 16/11/2018 19:26

Time to move on and next time be a bit more honest You may have an out of the normal sexual taste but really your not into experimenting with someone else's tastes. No problem with that just don't get the other parties expectations going.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 16/11/2018 19:28

If it's anal, tell him you want to try pegging. Seek if that changes his tune.

What a Dick!

flowery · 16/11/2018 19:29

Any pressure at all in the bedroom would be an immediate LTB for me.

Mookatron · 16/11/2018 19:32

Let me guess. 'His thing' is going to hurt you. 'Your thing' is something that takes little effort on his part, like wearing a fisherman's jumper and calling you 'pet'.

Any relationship in which someone whines about what you won't do in the sack needs to be ended sharpish.

CSIblonde · 16/11/2018 19:36

I don't think you're compatible sexually. I've never got to the sex bit without some idea already that we had same taste in the bedroom. (it's quite easy to suss via a mix of banter, flirting & innuendo, no need for a heavy discussion) . If they didn't react to those 'cues' we wouldn't get that far.

Missingstreetlife · 16/11/2018 19:41

Shirley I think more likely to be the other way round.
I wouldn't trust him, especially if either had a drink, so deal breaker for me.. get rid.

Renarde1975 · 16/11/2018 19:44

Absolute no-no is this one for me (I write about BDSM and kink OP - please do PM me if you want more personal advice. I'm a Domantrix).

As PP said - this is NOT tit for tat. What it is actually is coercion. Fact is, we all have limits and boundaries. Some of them may be fuzzy in the respect that I might like to try that in the future but for now, it;s a no. There are things that have been on my soft limits list which I have tried and liked but that's for you to police and enforce.

Guilt tripping you into bending them is not fucking great IMHO. No is a no is a no.

But this isn't about sex acts; it's about control and establishing where he can push it.

Think long and hard about this one, OP. It don't smell right to me.

LoudJazzHands · 16/11/2018 19:48

I'm probably going to regret asking this, but what's 'pegging'?

Urban Dictionary is your friend.

Renarde1975 · 16/11/2018 20:00

Oh I've missed pegging.

Yeah, that ones a huge psychological deal for a lot of women. Massive. Big fet from a surprising amount of male "Doms".

I'd do it but it's taken literally years to get comfortable with the idea and I'm a Mistress!

AFistfulofDolores1 · 16/11/2018 20:05

"Fair's fair" and "tit for tat" are totally irrelevant. If you don't want to do something, then you don't have to do it.

SalemBlackCat4 · 16/11/2018 20:05

Sorry but I agree with combatbarbie. It is unfair that you are the one getting the benefit and he isn't. If you were both into different sexual things, why didn't discuss this first off? If you said you are into/wanted to try (insert whatever preference) # and # and asked him what he was into/wanted to try, and he said # and # , then why didn't you say, sorry, but I refuse to try #. Upfront. So he knew beforehand that there was no way you would budge, and he could make his decision then. Because it sounds like you are reneging on the deal. Of course you sound not be harassed by him, but it is quite unfair for you to perhaps lead him on to think he could have #. If there are things you definitely rule out, you should have told him right upfront.

dontalltalkatonce · 16/11/2018 20:06

If it's anal, tell him you want to try pegging. Seek if that changes his tune.

Nah, don't bother. I tried this with one guy and he was all for it! Turns out he'd had sex with multiple men in the past. But it didn't come up because he pressured me for anal, just the topic in general came up.

Spankyoumuchly · 16/11/2018 20:07

Pegging is woman doing it up the man's butt with a dildo.
I looked it up. I've not heard of a woman doing that to a man.
Doesn't it get covered in poop?

MrsStrowman · 16/11/2018 20:14

I think it does matter what the things are, if OP is into hardcore S&M or dogging for example and he's given that a go, and he wants to make love on a four poster bed scattered with rose petals and she says no way, it's a bit unreasonable. I doubt it is but you never know. Is his want more extreme than yours OP? Or does it involve something that makes you feel uncomfortable eg pain infliction , forced scenarios, calling him daddy (🤮) ?

mumto2babyboys · 16/11/2018 20:17

@Heeeeelpme

Can you give some detail then it will be easier to judge him

But he shouldn't try and manipulate you into doing anything

Renarde1975 · 16/11/2018 20:23

poster MrsStrowman

I do get your logic re doggin and rose petals (there's a sentence I never thought I'd type!) but actually, yes that could absolutly be a hard limit in your argument.

For example, what if an abusive ex in the middle of 'the love bomb' made magnificent love to her on a four poster which half the contents of Interflora? Those two things - abuse and the flowers - might well have become psychologically linked in the survivors mind so naturally, it would be a very big deal to repeat that.

No is a no. End of. Pressuring anyone is coercion. It's that simple. If the OP has outlined her position then - yeah that's it really.

ravenmum · 16/11/2018 20:25

It is unfair that you are the one getting the benefit and he isn't.
But he likes doing her thing, so he's getting the benefit of a new thing.

Really, sex is not about "If I do X, then you have to do Y". It's about "Do you want to do Y? No? OK, darling!", end of story. No sulking, no nagging, no guilting someone into doing things they don't want to.

Really sad that so many people think it's OK to sulk, nag or guilt people into doing stuff they don't want to. If you have been doing stuff you don't like because you think you owe it to your boyfriend, I feel really bad for you.

Renarde1975 · 16/11/2018 20:27

Doesn't it get covered in poop?

Can do. Depends on whether the guy (or gal) has prepared themselves. Usually with a enema douche kinda thing. But an often reported saying is that if that's what you wish then you have to expect that there will be 'accidents'.

I adore anal personally but it;s a tricksy beast.

Hey! It's friday night! Who wants to go to Centre Parcs! Grin

SalemBlackCat4 · 16/11/2018 20:29

Ravenmum she doesn't say he likes her thing, just that he was willing to try it, and he did. And no one is suggesting she should be harassed and pressured, just that she should have been upfront at the start, instead of leading him on to think she would try his thing/s only to reneg. That is not the right way to treat a partner, whether they be male or female.

mumto2babyboys · 16/11/2018 20:29

I think lots of men do this during sex without even discussing it first

It's wrong but it happens especially to friends who've had one night stands

BiscuitDrama · 16/11/2018 20:33

I think it depends on what the things are and how much you both dislike the other’s choice.

mumto2babyboys · 16/11/2018 20:35

Yeah it definitely does depend on how extreme and how painful the thing he wants is