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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to say no to school run?

456 replies

Nanaletti · 16/11/2018 11:03

I'm 4 weeks PP. Usually do the school run once a week to pick up DSS, but my DD is currently quite demanding, I'm knackered, had zero sleep, she's attached to my boob 24/7 and the school run is 20 miles there and 20 miles back.

I'm really stressing about it but know that if I don't do it, DH will be stuck because he's at work.

I'm completely exhausted. WIBU to say no to doing it for the foreseeable future until DD is in a routine?

OP posts:
Chunkymonkey123 · 16/11/2018 12:58

I have a 4 week old baby and would not be driving for two hours at the moment plus it’s not safe for them to be in a car seat for so long. Yesterday we were 5 minutes from home when he suddenly started screaming like he was dying and the noise was going right through me. Had I had to drive for another 50 minutes I would have had to stop to feed which takes about 30 minutes making me late to pick up from school. Plus then he wouldn’t be winded properly (takes another 20mins) so he would vomit all over the car (refluxy baby).

Your DH needs to sort out his son. Even if he was biologically yours it’s not fair for you to do this distance atm.

HappyintheHills · 16/11/2018 13:03

Please ask your FIL to collect DSS
It really isn’t safe for you to make this journey with your baby.
Otherwise after school club and husband or even ask his mother to collect him.
Driving in the state you are could be as bad as driving under the influence.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/11/2018 13:03

Do you have a contact number for DH's father? For DSS's mother?
I'd be ringing one of them and explaining that your DSS will be at risk of going in a car with a seriously sleep-deprived woman driving, so could one of them please pick him up as you don't want everyone to end up in a car accident.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/11/2018 13:04

OH yes, and your DH is a bastard for leaving you with this to sort out.
Sort it out so you don't have to do it - then tell the fucker to fucking sort it out himself next week as you won't be doing it again.

timeisnotaline · 16/11/2018 13:05
  1. Above all don’t drive if it’s not safe.
  2. Is your dh really as much of a pig of a husband and a shit of a dad as this action shows him to be? Who gives a damn if the court order is breached - obviously dss’ dad would rather it be breached than he actually do anything. Not your problem , you’ve already given over and above. I appreciate you love dss and you sound like a great step mum , but you shouldn’t have to compensate for his dad. You have a new baby and you and baby need looking after too. I agree nothing prepares you for how exhausting it is.
Rachelover40 · 16/11/2018 13:05

Could he stay over at grandparents for one night until you get on your feet? As long as he doesn't feel pushed out - it wouldn't be for long and he must see how worn out you are.

I sympathise with you, I know it's only one day a week but some women with new babies can hardly move for weeks, others of course are leaping around in a few days. Each of us is an individual and our hormones vary from person to person.

My wish for you is that some unexpected help turns up and you have time to recuperate.

Flowers
drspouse · 16/11/2018 13:08

Or ring DH work switchboard.

  • Get someone else to pick up today
  • Tell DH this changes and one of him, his dad, his ex or after school club will be doing it for the foreseeable.
  • Change to weekends mid-term
Rixera · 16/11/2018 13:10

Could you order a taxi for him?

I know it's pricey but if you can't get in touch with anyone, might be the best option. I don't know how old DSS is but kids at my school used to be ferried home in taxis from 8+.

IveHitPeakTumeric · 16/11/2018 13:10

Oh OP, I was in almost exactly your position a couple of years ago.

Except I was expected to do a similar length round trip three days a week. And I was expected to start this from the moment I was safe to drive after my c section.

I also had a terrible-twos year old as well as a new born to deal with and, to be frank, I just didn't want to spend two hours in the car with them three days a week doing the school run. And in our case, we did have other help options, but DH didn't want to use them because it would have meant asking DSS's mum to step up a bit more (backstory alert!) and he didn't want to.

I posted about it on here at the time and got my arse handed to me because I was 'pushing DSS out' and I obviously hated and resented him and didn't want him to know his siblings or be part of our family, blah, blah, blah, usual step mother-hating crap on here.

So, I did it. For three days every week I did two hours in the car on the school run, recovering from a c section, with a tantrumming toddler and a newborn baby who SCREAMED all the way.

It was hell. I got PND. I used to drive all the way there with tears streaming down my face as my baby screamed in the back. Boobs leaking. Once I'd dropped DSS at school, I'd drive round the corner to the Tesco carpark and feed the baby in the car while the toddler gave out in the back and I sobbed.

It nearly broke me and it honestly nearly broke up my marriage. DH was a knob about the whole thing. Thought that 'sitting on my arse in the car for an hour each way' was 'easy' and couldn't understand what my problem was. He twisted every single thing I said to make out like I was saying I didn't want DSS to be here. Wouldn't even consider my point of view at all. I'm getting angry thinking about it all over again.

I limped on like that for a year and then went back to work and since then, DSS's school runs have been entirely the responsibility of DH and his ex to sort out between them. I must admit I do enjoy the fact that DH finds it difficult to juggle DSS's school runs - and that's without having had major abdominal surgery, a toddler and a breastfeeding newborn in tow!

Please put your foot down OP. For your own sake. Fuck what everyone else wants or thinks at this point. You have a brand newborn baby. That, and your own physical and mental health must be the priority right now. Revisit things in a few months or so, once you're a bit more settled.

teaandtoast · 16/11/2018 13:11

Dss' parents need to work this out between them.

Middlrm · 16/11/2018 13:12

It’s not a typical school run, being the 2 hour journey... with a small bubba that is likely to be screaming cause she needs feeding part way through. I can understand your worries. If it was a local school
It wouldn’t be a problem. Could you re discuss after school club with hubby as an option for the next month or two until your more confident and your dd can go longer between feeds x x

Rudgie47 · 16/11/2018 13:12

What about DSS goes to his Mums and DH collects him later in the evening or the next morning?.
Its not for his ex wife to do the school run to yours. Its for your husband to sort out and do himself.

MarshaBradyo · 16/11/2018 13:12

God IveHit reading that alone made my blood pressure go up. Screaming babies in a car are intolerable

SubtitlesOn · 16/11/2018 13:19

@Nanaletti

Did you post while you were pregnant?

Cos I remember a post like this but the op was pregnant and worrying about what would happen after the baby was born

PrimalLass · 16/11/2018 13:20

But how come your DH lives so far away from his son?

It's 20 miles not 200.

Dragongirl10 · 16/11/2018 13:25

Get a taxi to collect this once.....its too dangerous to drive if you are that tired.....you could have a serious accident!

Then sort a plan going forward.....

MsJolly · 16/11/2018 13:26

Your DH is a cock and risking all of your lives. Flowers

Whocansay · 16/11/2018 13:26

As your cunt of a husband has switched his phone off, I would call your SS's mum, apologise and explain the situation. Ask her if it would be OK if you (not)DH picks up his son later.

You are not safe to drive. Do not put yourself, your baby, your SS and other road users at risk. Your husband is one selfish bastard.

woolduvet · 16/11/2018 13:27

Can you ring your husband at work?

IveHitPeakTumeric · 16/11/2018 13:29

God IveHit reading that alone made my blood pressure go up. Screaming babies in a car are intolerable

Sometimes I would call DH at work from the car and tell him that if I had to listen to it, he had to listen to it too.

To be fair to him, sometimes he stayed on the line listening for the whole journey and offer 'helpful' suggestions like 'just give the baby some water' (yeah right, Evian for a six week old!) or 'open a window'. Hmm

BrokenWing · 16/11/2018 13:30

YANBU and you need to stop it, but your dh needs to step up and sort it out. Why didn't the afterschool club materialise? Isn't there one or did your dh not organise it with the school? If there isn't one he needs to investigate a childminder instead

NameChangeCuddleBums · 16/11/2018 13:32

I wouldn’t do it. Let your DP sort it out with after school club or DSS Mum or Grandparents.

Congratulations on your baby.

MarshaBradyo · 16/11/2018 13:32

IveHit ha I reckon I’d do that
Ds was such a screamer I shudder to remember it, dh had to get out and get pt home with him once
Dd is now too and I only drive if there’s someone in the back to entertain her

Woooman · 16/11/2018 13:33

OP, in the nicest possible way, you've got to stop being a wet weekend and do something to change this. Complaining on mumsnet isn't going to help your situation although I'm hoping that the mumsnet spirit of saying no to things you don't want to/can't do will spur you on.

I don't want to be the voice of doom and gloom but your baby may not sleep well for a loooong long time. My ds has been a dreadful sleeper from 8 weeks onwards. He is now 13 months and I'm still permanently exhausted after repeated wake ups all night. It's starting to slowly improve but at the worst point (6-10 months) I was so exhausted after his wake ups that I would often feel dizzy and have ringing ears in the morning. I made the decision that on days like that I wouldn't drive anywhere as I felt that unsafe to be driving. I had to do the (walking) school run every morning with my dd which was fortunately only a 15 minute round trip but even that felt like too much effort after a bad night. I would have broken down completely if I'd had to do long School runs. You doing hours of driving with a young baby who isn't sleeping well is ridiculous and unfair, not to mention unsafe. Your baby shouldn't be in her car seat for long periods of time either.

You need to make it clear to your dh that you will not be doing any further pick ups after today's, and you won't be doing it for the foreseeable future. He is being outrageously horrible about this. Fancy turning your phone off knowing your child may be left at school with no one to pick him/her up. Absolute dick. Tonight and all next week make it clear you won't be doing pick up or drop off, that he needs to sort out alternative arrangements and then on Friday turn your phone off all day so he can't beg you to do. You can do it!

fanfan18 · 16/11/2018 13:33

The OP already said it is a 30-40 minute round trip. Where did 4 hours come from?! It's 20 miles not 200

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