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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to school run?

456 replies

Nanaletti · 16/11/2018 11:03

I'm 4 weeks PP. Usually do the school run once a week to pick up DSS, but my DD is currently quite demanding, I'm knackered, had zero sleep, she's attached to my boob 24/7 and the school run is 20 miles there and 20 miles back.

I'm really stressing about it but know that if I don't do it, DH will be stuck because he's at work.

I'm completely exhausted. WIBU to say no to doing it for the foreseeable future until DD is in a routine?

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 16/11/2018 14:29

The arseholish behaviour of your DH when you texted him to say you were struggling and he switched his phone off would prompt me to refuse to do it for the next 3 months. You're doing him a favour. He has no idea how hard it is. How unfucking supportive of him, when you have been so incredibly supportive.

Unbelievable.

Rudgie47 · 16/11/2018 14:31

Contact your husbands employer and say he has to ring home ASAP as there is an emergency.
Contact the school as well and DSS mum and say that you are not collecting him and that its for DSS's birth parents to sort out.

Rudgie47 · 16/11/2018 14:33

Really OP your should have told your husband this morning that you were not doing it today or anymore. I wouldn't, hes not even your child.

TheSerenDipitY · 16/11/2018 14:36

if you are as tired as i suspect then you shouldn't be driving full stop, driving while fatigued is as dangerous as driving while drunk, FACT!
So he needs to get his head out of his ass and go get his son as you could have an accident driving in a fatigued state and most likely your insurance would deny any claim ( also you and the children could be hurt or worse...)
Dont drive!

teaandtoast · 16/11/2018 14:37

Agree with Rudgie47. Place this problem firmly where it belongs - with the parents.

badirene · 16/11/2018 14:39

@Nanaletti whatever happens today with this school run explain to your husband that you are not doing them going forward at all. Then arrange to be unavailable for next weeks school runs, stay with a family member or a friend for the school run nights if you have too. Show them you are serious about this.

It is too dangerous to drive on so little sleep, it would be like necking a bottle of wine and then popping out in the car. I would be having words about "D"H turning his phone off too, none of this is yours to sort out. He is being a shitweasel.

Purplepinkpurple · 16/11/2018 14:42

Thats a long time for a 4 week old to be in a car seat op x

Rayn · 16/11/2018 14:46

Nope I would not do it!! I would be so cross about DH turning his phone off as well! You need to put your baby first. X

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 16/11/2018 14:47

It’s threads like me that makes me think shit Dads cynically get into a new relationship with another woman to line her up to do the parenting that his ex-wife used to do that he’s now responsible for (for the grand total of two days a fortnight).

You need to have a serious talk with your H, is this just a one off or is this symptomatic of an underlying attitude of how he views you.

sizzledrizz · 16/11/2018 14:52

I would collect and then arrange a stop somewhere on the way back so that you can feed the baby and dss feels as though he's getting a special treat.

HeebieJeebies456 · 16/11/2018 14:57

OP, you do realise he's taking utter piss out of you and you're enabling him?
Three perfectly capable adults are being excused, whilst your circumstance, needs and safety are completely ignored so you can be manipulated into taking on dh's responsibility.
Switching his phone off to force you into doing it is disgusting, dangerous and shows how little respect or concern he has for you.
How much quality/1-2-1 time does he even spend with his son on these evenings?

Your dh did - and still does - have choices but just can't be arsed doing it.
his mum moved house a few months ago and there wasn't much he could do about it sadly
He could have taken a prohibited steps order to stop this.
He could have the court order changed due to the change in location.
He could sort out an afterschool club, childminder etc.......b
ut chooses not to.

CottonSock · 16/11/2018 15:05

My school run takes at least 50 mins, esp when I had to take a new born and it's only 2 miles. I had to allow an hour at least.

I hope you get some resolution op.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 16/11/2018 15:05

He could have taken a prohibited steps order to stop this

There is very little chance of a judge ordering a mother not to move a distance of an hour away.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/11/2018 15:16

But how come your DH lives so far away from his son?
So when DSS's Mum decided to move, Op's partner should have sold his house and followed her? Regardless of OP or his job or the housing market?

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/11/2018 15:20

Your husband is being a complete arsehole. Sad. I hope you are all ok.

You do have the right to refuse to pick up your dss.

happygirly1 · 16/11/2018 15:21

YANBU and you need to stop. Do not listen to your DH telling you you are unreasonable to stop or saying you NEED to do it as there are no other options. You ARE justified in refusing to do it and there ARE options other than you doing it.

Reasons for not doing it:

  1. Unsafe for you, DD and DSS due to your exhaustion and increased risk of car accident.
  2. Unsafe for your DD being in a car seat for that long - I'm sure the maximum length of time they advise being in a car seat now is 1.5hrs MAX.

These two reasons alone should be enough reason for you to not do it and for your DH to understand why (and agree to not want to put his DW and DC in danger).

Options available:

  1. His DF to do the pick ups as well as drop offs
  2. Your DH to take two hours/half days annual leave each Friday to enable him to do pick up
  3. Your DH to do flexible hours to be able to leave early on a Friday to do pick up
  4. Your DSS to go into an after school club until DH can collect after work.
  5. Your DSS to go to his mum's house after school and DH pick up from there after he finishes work
  6. Your DH to pick him up early Saturday mornings instead of Friday night.

I'd like to think your DH would want to (a) put the safety of his wife and DC first by recognising you driving is dangerous and (b) be open to exploring the numerous other options available to him to avoid putting you and DCs at risk.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/11/2018 15:21

Ivehit - I'm glad you made it through the other side but yes, you're right about the far-reaching impact of shithead behaviour there. :(

Greggers2017 · 16/11/2018 15:30

Sometimes a baby has to be in a car seat for more than 2 hours, it's unavoidable.
Feed the baby, have a strong coffee, drive there, pick up son, quick feed, drive home.
I feel very sad for your step-son. This will definitely make him feel pushed out.
I take my children every Friday to their dads. 1.5 hours each way, I will still do this when I have baby. I pick my step-daughter up on a Wednesday from her mums, 20 miles away, will still do that.
I'm presuming dad doesn't do school runs due to his working hours?

piscis · 16/11/2018 15:34

The OP already said it is a 30-40 minute round trip. Where did 4 hours come from?! It's 20 miles not 200

My thoughts exactly when I read about the 4 hours.
However, the OP hasn't said it is a 30-40 minutes round trip, she said that would be the average time of a school run but hers was 2 hours. Which I don't understand either as it is 20 miles (x2). How can a 40 miles journey be so long?

Anyway, it is a tricky situation and even if it was 1 hour, I don't think I would feel like doing it either and it is outrageous that he has switched his phone off and has so little consideration for their safety.

WhiteCat1704 · 16/11/2018 15:39

I feel very sad for your step-son. This will definitely make him feel pushed out.
I take my children every Friday to their dads. 1.5 hours each way, I will still do this when I have baby
His mother, who decided to move, should bring him. Or his fathers sorts it out himself. It's the boys parents job not a sleep deprived OPs who has her own child to consider at the moment!

Lunde · 16/11/2018 15:41

@piscis

On the weeks that the DSS is at OP's home on Thursdays - presumably the child needs to be collected Thursday as well as taken to school and collected on Friday therefore doubling the school run time and meaning that OP has to do 4½-6 hours driving time within 24 hours (Thurs pm, Fri am and Fri pm)

SleepingStandingUp · 16/11/2018 15:42

Sometimes a baby has to be in a car seat for more than 2 hours, it's unavoidable
But this isn't unavoidable, his Dad just has to be less of an idiot. And I can't think of many scenarios where a baby HAS to be in a car seat for more than 2 hours

Original poster
Nanaletti · 16/11/2018 16:22

I live in central Birmingham trust me when I say it's an hour long trip. It's actually taken me 1 hour 20 before on a bad day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nanaletti · 16/11/2018 16:23

Prohibited steps would never be allowed for an hour long journey.

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 16/11/2018 16:24

Did you do it op?

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