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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To embarrass DH in public?

87 replies

Largepiecesofcrookedwood · 15/11/2018 10:31

A quick bit of background...
DH and I have always liked a drink and, until recently, all has been well. Over the past year or so DH has reacted very badly to more than a couple of pints and can be incredibly hurtful and malicious to both DS and I. It came to the point where I realised I would rather leave than stay in the situation and we had a crisis talk. At no point did I demand that DH cut down/ give up drinking, I merely made the point that I would not be staying in the relationship if things continued as they were.
DH decided that he wanted to stay together and cut back his drinking radically, our relationship and home life is calmer and I'm slowly starting to relax again. The only thing that really pisses me off is if we're out for a drink (I very rarely drink now so am inevitably sober on these occasions) and we're asked if we are staying for another. DH will put on a sad face and say "no, I'm not allowed to enjoy myself anymore" which is then the cue for much chuckling and sympathetic noises.
I really want to turn round and say "well DH, you could stay and enjoy yourself, but then you'd be an arse to your family when you get home, upset your wife, alienate your son and then collapse in bed leaving the house in a state wouldn't you?"
However in real life I think this just sounds petty, like airing our dirty laundry in public. I'm sure I would judge both halves of a couple equally badly if I heard a similar conversation. DH would also be embarrassed to be shown up in public which is firstly not nice anyway and secondly not likely to be helpful in any way.
I think I'm NBU to be pissed off by it, but WIBU to remind him in public why things are like they are?

OP posts:
ghostsandghoulies · 15/11/2018 10:34

If it's ok for him to embarrass you (when you're not even in the wrong) then it's ok for you to embarrass him back.

puffyisgood · 15/11/2018 10:37

it's far better not to disagree in public if you can.

if his drinking is a source of disagreement you need to pre-agree a time to leave. if either of you goes back on the agreement than they are BvvU.

Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 15/11/2018 10:40

If my DP made a comment like that in front of people I would fucking rip him a new one! How dare he?!

Why is it ok for him to embarrass you and yet not the other way around? He has some funny double standards...

I would tell him how disrespectful comments like that are and ask that he never does it again. If he does, you are well within your rights to embarrass him back. A quick, sharp comment to show him you're no fool. What a tool.

Welshmum16 · 15/11/2018 10:41

Can you not just say to him in front of these people 'I'm not stopping you staying'?

You had a chat and it was in fact his decision to cut down on drink to save his family relationship he needs to take that responsibility and stop blaming it on you.

RightOnTheEdge · 15/11/2018 10:41

God what an arse!

Can you just warn him before you go out that if he does this to you again you will be explaining to people the reasons he can't stay for another drink.

I have massive sympathy OP. I am working out a plan to be able to split with my partner due to his increased drinking and horrible behaviour when he gets home.

LettuceP · 15/11/2018 10:42

Well hes embarassing you in public isnt he by making you out to be controlling and bossy?Personally I would be blunt and honest in front of people but that's just me, I can understand why others wouldn't want to do that.

Men seem to have this thing about being under the thumb of your wife, my DH's mates always wind each other up about it. DH quite often talks about men not being 'allowed' to do things and it really winds me up that they see it that way. I always remind him that he is a grown man and he can do whatever he wants but I don't have to stay married to him if I don't like it.

sausagerole · 15/11/2018 10:42

I wouldn't. It sounds like you've handled things really well so far and your DH has been responsive to what you've said. I think taking digs like that would be a step backwards for you both.

It sounds like he's trying to save face a bit with his mates by making an excuse for not drinking, and unfortunately it just so happens you're it. I'd have a chat with him another time and say you find it hurtful to be 'blamed' when actually you've been trying to help him, and he's made his own choice to stop drinking. But also that you understand it can be hard to resist the pressure to stay (especially as it's a change in habit for him) and ask him if there's something else he could say that helps give him an 'excuse' not to stay but that isn't negative towards you.

sausagerole · 15/11/2018 10:45

He could just as easily say something like "we can't tonight, we've got to got to get home to do XYZ." Helps him say no but doesn't make you feel bad!

minisoksmakehardwork · 15/11/2018 10:45

It sounds like he's revelling in the role of victim here.

I might just remind him that "we've talked about this" and let people fill in the blanks.

I would also let him know outside of social situations that he chose his relationship rather than alcohol and if he wishes to continue with the relationship then he has to understand that you will not take blamed for him being unable to control himself when drinking.

He has a choice. He drinks as before and risks his wife and child. Or when asked if he wants another, he behaves like an adult and replied with no. If he needs an excuse then he's driving, he's working or he's had enough. I wonder if he feels pressured to drink by friends and colleagues as he doesn't want to be seen as a wimp.

It's not macho to drink and drink then take it out on loved ones.

WitchBottle · 15/11/2018 10:46

He needs to take responsibility for his own decision to save his marriage, and not to cast you as some kind of sanctimonious nagging mother figure. I would have no issue with saying 'No one but you is stopping you staying on.'

Original poster
Largepiecesofcrookedwood · 15/11/2018 10:49

That's what's made me bite my tongue sausage, I do wonder if it's a way of glossing over the "why isn't mrcrooked drinking?" question.
OTOH I get incensed that I'm being made to look the villain. I do however acknowledge that things are still quite raw and new, and I am seeing this with the benefit of sobriety which DH isn't.
I can't decide whether it's worth restarting hostility's so soon into the new start process, or whether I bite my tongue and accept that it's actually a lot better than how things were a couple months ago Confused

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 15/11/2018 10:50

I wouldn't, as it reduces you to his level. I agree that this is him trying to save face in front of his mates, and it's a shame that he feels the need to do that, but it's his problem not yours.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 15/11/2018 10:53

I understand why you want to, I’d feel exactly the same.

I wouldn’t though, certainly not yet. Talk to him again - tell him that he might not be drinking but he’s still being disrespectful to you and once again, you’re having to bite back your own embarrassment to protect him. You won’t do it again; if he feels the need to say something like you’ll have to put his friends straight. I’d remind him like Lettuce says that he’s a grown man and can make his own decisions - he’s decided that he’d prefer a wife and child rather than drinking. If he decides he’d rather ‘save face’ than have a wife and child then by all means carry on.

I’m sure he’ll say it’s just banter Hmm which I’m sure gives you permission to ‘banter’ back that any decisions your husband makes are off his own back and nothing to do with you.

Rachelover40 · 15/11/2018 10:53

It's not OK for either of you to embarrass each other. Do you really have to drink so much?

Original poster
Largepiecesofcrookedwood · 15/11/2018 10:57

The whole point of the thread rachel (just to save you the bother of actually reading it before you comment) is that we don't drink that much now.
I am 99% of the time sober and DH will have had a couple of pints Hmm

OP posts:
StylishMummy · 15/11/2018 10:59

"So you're making me out to be a controlling harpy when I told you how nasty you are when you're drunk? Nice"

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/11/2018 11:02

Is it a drunk thing - ie; if someone asked him that when he'd drank less, would he give a more diplomatic answer?

I wouldn't air your laundry; nobody wins. It may well make everyone else so awkward that they stop inviting you both. I'd bite your tongue or simply reply to say that nobody is stopping him staying if he wants too; to throw it back at him, although if it is an alcohol-related response; that may mean he blurts out your agreement... his lookout; though.

OksanaAstankova · 15/11/2018 11:03

Have you challenged him about it? What does he say?

Creatureofthenight · 15/11/2018 11:03

I’d bring it up in private first, I would hate being “blamed” like this.
Can you not stay for another and both have a soft drink?

Jammydodger1981 · 15/11/2018 11:05

My Exh used to do this. Was an abusive alcoholic so quit after an ultimatum where I said if he had another episode of this behaviour I was leaving him. He used to tell people he wasn’t ‘allowed’ drink anymore, that I didn’t like it... it used to make me so angry that he couldn’t see that I didn’t care if he had a drink and behaved like a normal human being, it was him throwing things, shouting, scaring the children, trashing the house that I had a problem with.

I’m sorry to say he went back to drinking and I left him. As he hadn’t made the change for himself but because I’d given him the ultimatum it was never going to work.
I worry that this will happen with you OP, he’s not taking responsibility for his bad behaviour and he’s still not caring about your feelings by shaming you like this in public. I’d talk to him and let him know it’s not acceptable, give him a chance to change but throwing you under the bus for a situation that HE caused by being abusive is not a good sign.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2018 11:06

I would take this up with him in private first and warn him if he does this again you will put people straight

DadJoke · 15/11/2018 11:09

So how can your DH save face without blaming you? This is something you can discuss. This is assuming he is unable to deal with the social pressure of drinking a non-alcoholic drink and simply saying "I want a lemonade. I'm cutting back for helath reasons." There is no reason he can't stay.

First thing is, he can drink more slowly for the first round, and refuse the second, enabling him to have a "third."

Second, he could blame the doctor. "The damn GP says I have to cut back."

Third, on his round he could buy a non-alcholic beer, or an orange juice and pretend it's a vodka and orange, or get a tonic and pretend it's a gin and tonic if anyone is crass enough to ask.

Here is some good advice on this.

Olderbyaminute · 15/11/2018 11:10

TBH he doesn’t sound like his behavior has improved all that much with his reduced alcohol if he’s being so damn offensive towards you in public. Maybe later at home you can tell him next time he wants to go out for a drink if he repeats it again he will be drinking solo and sleeping on the sofa

Original poster
Largepiecesofcrookedwood · 15/11/2018 11:12

That's exactly how I feel jammy, drinking three, four or even five pints at the weekend would be fine (apart from the obvious health risks) just so long as it didn't have all the repercussions.
DH has tried to continue drinking and moderate his behaviour but he just can't, any more than two pints and that's it.
And I probably should point out again in fairness to the cantankerous old git, he's never been violent or smashed the place up.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 15/11/2018 11:13

What I've done on nights out drinking in the past (I haven't been to any for a long time Grin), is pace myself, have alcoholic drinks interspersed with soft drinks, and it's enabled me to stay out longer without getting off my head.

It's a shame if you're forced to leave nights out early because your DH can't have fun without having too much to drink.

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