To embarrass DH in public?

[Largepiecesofcrookedwood]

A quick bit of background...
DH and I have always liked a drink and, until recently, all has been well. Over the past year or so DH has reacted very badly to more than a couple of pints and can be incredibly hurtful and malicious to both DS and I. It came to the point where I realised I would rather leave than stay in the situation and we had a crisis talk. At no point did I demand that DH cut down/ give up drinking, I merely made the point that I would not be staying in the relationship if things continued as they were.
DH decided that he wanted to stay together and cut back his drinking radically, our relationship and home life is calmer and I'm slowly starting to relax again. The only thing that really pisses me off is if we're out for a drink (I very rarely drink now so am inevitably sober on these occasions) and we're asked if we are staying for another. DH will put on a sad face and say "no, I'm not allowed to enjoy myself anymore" which is then the cue for much chuckling and sympathetic noises.
I really want to turn round and say "well DH, you could stay and enjoy yourself, but then you'd be an arse to your family when you get home, upset your wife, alienate your son and then collapse in bed leaving the house in a state wouldn't you?"
However in real life I think this just sounds petty, like airing our dirty laundry in public. I'm sure I would judge both halves of a couple equally badly if I heard a similar conversation. DH would also be embarrassed to be shown up in public which is firstly not nice anyway and secondly not likely to be helpful in any way.
I think I'm NBU to be pissed off by it, but WIBU to remind him in public why things are like they are?

I would say tell him in private first but if he ever did it again I'd certainly bite back, he'd have been warned.

As a side note, yeah It really pisses me off when men do this, act like they're "not allowed" do stuff

"He's never been violent or smashed the place up"

That's a really low bar you have set there

The only excuse I can come up with is that he's embarrassed by his own behaviours and taking it out on you. It's entirely unacceptable, mind, but that's the only reason I can work out.

In private I'd speak to him and remind him why he's no longer "allowed to have fun" and that his words are hurtful. Obviously he wants to salvage the relationship because he's changed his drinking, now his brain has to catch up with his body and accept that he just can't do the things he did previously - that it's not about blame or fault, just a fact.

The trouble with public disputes is that they add more fuel to the embarrassment fire so they're likely to escalate purely because he won't want to lose face.

I'd say "you can do what you want but you're not coming home to our house afterwards if you're going to be a total count to us like last time"

Then smile sweetly

Over the past year or so DH has reacted very badly to more than a couple of pints and can be incredibly hurtful and malicious to both DS and I

Then he stops drinking or you leave?

He's resentful, and its starting to come out. I don't think you can ignore this. Would he consider family counselling with a therapist who understands addiction?

af I didn't phrase that quite right!
I meant that I had agreed with jammy but her ex had smashed the house up. Reading back I felt I was agreeing that DH was exactly the same, hence my clarification.
I know my bar is fairly low these days, but not that low

Warn him that if he says it again you will speak up and say while he might enjoy himself by drinking more sadly you don’t enjoy dealing with him being a nasty drunk afterwards.

I just want to say having read your OP that you sound like a really lovely, kind and balanced human being.

I wouldn't embarrass him in public but I would say to him (at an unrelated time when he hasn't had anything to drink) 'you need to come up with a new excuse for your friends as to why you're not having any more to drink. I'm not happy to be made out to be the one stopping you, it was your decision and I'm glad you made it but I resent being made out to be controlling or a nag'. Far better to nip this in the bud before it becomes a habit because all that will do is breed resentment, it's good that he's prioritising his family but he needs to own it rather than putting it on you.

He’s probably saying it in the hope you will get fed up and just let him drink. There’s only so many times his friends will get amusement from it though; hang in there!

Is it just beer that has that effect. I know people who have a problem with beer and others who struggle with red wine, some people just react badly to certain tipples.

I think what he's saying is less insulting than the proposed comeback.

In fact, as a man present listening to it, I would not interpret it as a criticism of his wife.

I would not assume that he's telling the truth about his reason for not drinking, I'd think it just as likely that he had reasons of his own and was just using this as a joke excuse.

Even if I knew that it was actually true that the specific reason for not drinking was that she didn't want him to, I wouldn't necessarily believe he was unhappy about accomodating her preference.

And then, even if I knew he was actually unhappy and not joking about it being a disagreement between them, I'd still think it was none of my business, and assume it was more likely that I'd agree with her than him if I knew all the facts about why she didn't want him to drink. I know the effects of alcohol, it's considerably more likely that she has good reasons than that she doesn't.

Having said that, my annual average alcohol consumption over the last ten years has been less than a pint, so maybe I don't think the same way as him and his friends.

I would talk to him in private and tell him you weren't going to accept being put the blame on in future and he needs to knock it on the head.

"less embarrassing" rather than "less insulting" might be have been better. I mean less likely to make the other look bad.

I'm sorry, I think his behaviour sounds completely pathetic. What a twit.

So he can just about manage to cut down on the drinking so that he's not effectively abusive at home, but instead of then acting like an adult and admitting to friends that he's drinking less, he turns it round and makes you look bad? Just sounds like a different way of being difficult, and rather as if he's punishing you for calling time (excuse pun!) on his previous behaviour.

As ever, I agree with AF - speak to him about in private, and warn him that you'll call him on it if he ever does that again in public.

I would look at him and say very calmly 'you're a free man' and don't smile.

And then he has to back down because it's clear he's a total fucking twat. If he doesn't, the consequences are on him.

I'd have to say "it's humiliating to me when you say that, if you do it again, my response will be..,."

When you have your chat, you could challenge him on the turn of phrase, "I'm not allowed to enjoy myself any more." Why does this have to involve drinking? (I speak as one who can get seriously rowdy on Diet Coke....) Tell him how it makes you feel like the nagging killjoy, when he's being his reasonable self. Tell him how glad you are that he made that positive choice. jammy made the very good point that, her OH couldn't follow through on her ultimatum, but your DH is trying for himself; deep down, he realises it's true, he wants to change, but it's "new and raw" in your phrase.
As you say it's still early days, so by all means be positive about how you appreciate the change and the effort he has made, and if he's amenable, think of other means of saving face:
"Sorry mate, up early tomorrow for a XYZ, need a clear head"
"Babysitter can't stay late tonight."
"I'm on antibiotics"
"My turn to drive tonight; don't want to lose my licence"
Don't threaten the "dirty linen in public" or "me or the booze" options unless you're prepared to carry through; if he calls your bluff, you're sunk.
It could be that his drinking buddies are mildly disconcerted at losing group support, and afraid that their own DW's might start asking why they have to drink quite so much.......

It didn’t start like that crooked. It escalated over years and years until I used to dread his key in the door after a night out. Abusers escalate, and he will if allowed to continue, trust me. Another poster on here, pointythings, had some threads running that actually helped me immensely, I’d seek them out if you can.

Anyfucker is completely correct: just because he’s not smashing things or violent does not make what he’s doing ok! Exh never hit me but it doesn’t matter because what he did do was appalling, same as what your husband has been doing to you.

He’s making you miserable, he’s affecting not only his relationship with his son but also his son’s view of alcohol and acceptable relationships in the future. I know it’s second nature to defend them but what he’s doing is still really serious.

Just because he hasn’t smashed things doesn’t mean he isn’t an abuser, it comes many forms. You calling him a cantankerous old git is minimising.

I wish you well and hope he sorts himself out

well..i dont think it yabu in thinking its crap.BUT would it not be easier to just say to him-the difference is amazing. dont put me down like that again please.

I wouldn't say anything in front of the group, but as soon as I was alone with him I would definitely make it abundantly clear that he had been utterly unacceptable. If he were to say it again on another evening out after I'd brought it up in private, I would be very very annoyed.

In case I wasn't clear, I don't think he is making her look bad. He is just making a standard (if sexist) excuse for not drinking. I would guess absolutely no-one listening to him is thinking bad thoughts about her, even if they take what he says at face value. (Though I could be wrong, I know there is a certain type of person who gets worked up if anyone doesn't want to drink alcohol with them, for any reason whatsoever.)

It looks like you should have a proper conversation with him about why he's blaming you to others.
He must take responsibility over his own actions, and the consequences too.
Then, if he continues, it's up to you to put up with it or not.

But, if you want to make any comment in public as a reply, then I'd simply go with (and this directed at him):
"You might have enjoyed yourself, but nobody else enjoyed your behaviour"
and/or

"Oh, no, you're fully responsible for your own choices".

The main problem with his comment is not making you, OP, look bad.
It's that he isn't taking responsibility over his drinking.
Listen to what men say. In his mind you are controlling his drinking. He didn't choose to.
That is dangerous.