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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To embarrass DH in public?

87 replies

Largepiecesofcrookedwood · 15/11/2018 10:31

A quick bit of background...
DH and I have always liked a drink and, until recently, all has been well. Over the past year or so DH has reacted very badly to more than a couple of pints and can be incredibly hurtful and malicious to both DS and I. It came to the point where I realised I would rather leave than stay in the situation and we had a crisis talk. At no point did I demand that DH cut down/ give up drinking, I merely made the point that I would not be staying in the relationship if things continued as they were.
DH decided that he wanted to stay together and cut back his drinking radically, our relationship and home life is calmer and I'm slowly starting to relax again. The only thing that really pisses me off is if we're out for a drink (I very rarely drink now so am inevitably sober on these occasions) and we're asked if we are staying for another. DH will put on a sad face and say "no, I'm not allowed to enjoy myself anymore" which is then the cue for much chuckling and sympathetic noises.
I really want to turn round and say "well DH, you could stay and enjoy yourself, but then you'd be an arse to your family when you get home, upset your wife, alienate your son and then collapse in bed leaving the house in a state wouldn't you?"
However in real life I think this just sounds petty, like airing our dirty laundry in public. I'm sure I would judge both halves of a couple equally badly if I heard a similar conversation. DH would also be embarrassed to be shown up in public which is firstly not nice anyway and secondly not likely to be helpful in any way.
I think I'm NBU to be pissed off by it, but WIBU to remind him in public why things are like they are?

OP posts:

woollyheart · 15/11/2018 11:45

Best to talk to him about it in private. Say how glad you are that he has decided to limit his alcohol intake, as it was damaging family life, but he needs to take responsibility for his decision, and not act as if you are his mother banning him.

Then if he does it again, you can respond in a way that doesn't entirely bring all your dirty washing out in the open, but makes it clear that he had decided to cut down himself - ' it's up to you how much you drink, but there were good reasons that you decided that you needed to cut down, weren't there?' Accompanied with meaningful look.

LizzieBennettDarcy · 15/11/2018 11:48

You're far calmer than me.

He'd have come home and had his bags packed. How dare he blame you for the consequences of his drinking .

Miscible · 15/11/2018 11:48

Tell him before you go out that this sort of comment is unacceptable and that if he says anything of that sort you will be reminding him publicly of his agreement, and remind him before you go in to the venue. And if he does make the "I'm not allowed to enjoy myself" comment, say to him with a big happy smile "No, you know that it's not that you aren't allowed, it's that you're a grown-up and rightly agreed that you didn't want to drink yourself into being a deeply unpleasant arsehole, which is what normally happens when you've had a few." At least that should stop the sympathetic comments which will take away the incentive to say such stupid things.

diddl · 15/11/2018 11:55

What a twat!

Why does he need to "save face"?

I think it's pathetic that he equates enjoying himself to getting pissed.

TooTrueToBeGood · 15/11/2018 12:03

Well seeing as he eventually rersponded to reason the first time round I would try reasoning with him again. Explain to him that, whatever his motiviation, his comments are making you out to be an ogre and a fun-sucker. He doesn't need to justify why he's limiting his drinking but if he were to own it and just say "I realised I become someone I don't want to be when I drink too much" he would actually get quite a lot of respect and might even make others reconsider their attitudes to drink.

dashitauntagatha · 15/11/2018 12:11

Can't you just tell him in private that it makes you feel like crap when he says that and could he work on a different response rather than snapping back in public which is bound to end in tears and possibly a reversal of all the good progress you've both made?

Although I can see the temptation because it would drive me mad too but I think he's probably just trying to make light of it and obviously he doesn't want to say - I can't because I'll probably turn into an abusive arsehole if I do...

chocatoo · 15/11/2018 12:17

My husband does this! I have a 'look' that I adopt that I think conveys my position to the other people in the party.

Feefeetrixabelle · 15/11/2018 12:22

Wait until your alone after he says that and say ‘I thought it was the alcohol making you mean but apparently that’s just the person you’ve become. I’m going home please don’t follow me’ and walk away. He needs to sort his attitude out

poobumwee · 15/11/2018 12:23

how frustrating!
I would feel the same as you, and while tempting, I would not challenge in public. I would do it privately.

"I really appreciate the effort you are making in drinking less, but please don't make me out to be the bad guy in this. It's to save our marriage"

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/11/2018 12:26

"...I really want to turn round and say "well DH, you could stay and enjoy yourself, but then you'd be an arse to your family when you get home, upset your wife, alienate your son and then collapse in bed leaving the house in a state wouldn't you?"
However in real life I think this just sounds petty, like airing our dirty laundry in public. I'm sure I would judge both halves of a couple equally badly if I heard a similar conversation. DH would also be embarrassed to be shown up in public which is firstly not nice anyway and secondly not likely to be helpful in any way."

As other posters have suggested, @Crookedpiecesofwood, I would raise this in private first -

"DH - the next time you say you can't have another drink, because you aren't allowed to enjoy yourself any more, I will tell the people we are with exactly how you behave when you are pissed, and the effect it was having on our family. I don't want to embarrass you in front of our friends, or air our dirty linen in public, but I will if you carry on making comments like this - so if you want all our friends to know what an arse you are when you are drunk, crack on!!'

ittakes2 · 15/11/2018 12:26

It is not healthy that either of you are either embarrassing the other or considering embarrassing the other in public. If you tell him in private and he still embarrasses you - you have other issues on your hands.

paxillin · 15/11/2018 12:26

Agree with AF. Tell him to practice a better stock answer to "one more?" or you will use yours.

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 15/11/2018 12:27

I think in reply to that comment from him I'd be saying to him that he knows he is more than welcome to stay out and drink more, it isn't something you are making him do.

Have you or he thought about why he had started being so hurtful and nasty after a few drinks though? While him not drinking much solves the problem to some extent in the short term, it sounds like there must be some underlying issue that needs addressing to solve the problem long term.

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2018 12:29

I'm not sure why he's ok to make you the bad guy but you're all worried about his feelings.

I'd simply respond withq very confused look on my face "that's not true is it, it's your decision totally"

And leave it there. If he continues and is indeed an arsehole, then you leave.

sollyfromsurrey · 15/11/2018 12:43

Make some small aside comment like 'Well that's because you can't handle your drink and become nasty..' and leave everyone to wonder what awful thing DH does when drunk....They won't be laughing in sympathy. They'll be wondering if DH is an abuser. I'm sure it will shut him up.

Micke · 15/11/2018 12:47

The couple of times I've experienced similar (when it wasn't cleared ahead of time - I confess we've used it as a tactic with certain people who otherwise are very difficult if you refuse to stay), I've just said that DP's free to do whatever he likes, I'm not his mother and I'm not his boss.

Because it's true, and it makes it clear that I'm not capable of making him do anything, it's entirely his choice, he is the one responsible for wanting to go home.

Honeypickle · 15/11/2018 12:47

Not acceptable at all but if it’s any consolation, people are bound to take what he says with a pinch of salt. Does anyone genuinely believe that he’s not drinking because you “won’t let him”? Or will they read beteeen the lines and know that he’s an arse when he drinks and that he had to stop for the sake of his/your future. People aren’t generally unaware of “bad” drinkers and how badly they can be affected by alcohol. I’m sure he’s let his mask slip in public more than once . . .

hellsbellsmelons · 15/11/2018 12:49

"no, I'm not allowed to enjoy myself anymore"
You can enjoy yourself all you want 'daarling'.
Why do you need to be drunk to do so though?
Do explain?
Because when you are drunk, myself and our poor DS certainly do NOT enjoy ourselves, as you well know!!!

hellsbellsmelons · 15/11/2018 12:50

Or...... even better....
Are you saying DH, that you have to be drunk to enjoy the company of the people we are with?

Crunchymum · 15/11/2018 12:50

How many times has this happened OP?

Why are you always there? Can he not be trusted to stick the the 2 pint limit if you aren't there to police him?

Hogtini · 15/11/2018 12:57

I think a private warning first is the most reasonable way to go about it then head straight to step 2 if he doesn't heed the warning.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 15/11/2018 13:06

Dp can get like this, he cannot handle his drink, at all.

His limit is 2 pints and I rule this with a rod of iron. I come down on him like a tonne of bricks if he dares to try and go past that. Because who the fuck does he think he is doing something which he knows makes him become an abusive arsehole that I have to.deal with ??

Nope, not having it. And he knows if he tried he'd be out the damn door.

Justmuddlingalong · 15/11/2018 13:15

Don't be his scapegoat. At home, sober, tell him he can drink himself unconscious if he wants, but as he's already proved, he's an arse. And also make it clear that if he gives the impression that it's you curtailing his alcohol intake, you will give him both barrels in front of everyone.

KickAssAngel · 15/11/2018 13:19

Is part of the problem the friends you're with? Would it be OK to stay and not drink alcohol, or space out your drinks? Because you say that you're sober, so I assume that they're OK with that. Do they have the mentality that real men drink 4 or 5 pints?

If it's the friends, then it doesn't matter what you say, they'll still blame you. But talking to DH first is an idea. Can you both agree some comments he could make that deflect rather than blame? So they start with asking why he has to leave, and he says something like: real men are still sober enough to change a nappy at 3 am, or, these days I act like a grown up, and keep myself fit & healthy, or, unlike some losers, I don't want to start the day with a hangover.
He could even turn it into a compliment: you lot or my fabulous wife? Of course I'm going home with her!

If he doesn't respond well to the talk, then it would indicate that it's only fear of consequences from you that is controlling his drinking, and he's probably resenting it, and will at some point start drinking/get angry at you.

Topseyt · 15/11/2018 13:34

Tell him, privately at first, that if he continues to do this and hint that you are the bad guy all the time then you will have no choice but to publicly put everyone fully in the picture.

Then he won't be able to say he hasn't been warned.

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