To be hurt my son isnt invited to BF wedding?

[cocomagic]

For background me and Best Friend have been friends for 20 years. She moved to the country we both now live in so has no family here. She has no children of her own and, as a result, is close to my 2 sons. They call her Auntie Bride and she never misses a Birthday or Christmas. We are also very good to her and celebrate all occasions with her. She met a guy a few years ago and they are getting married next year. I am a bridesmaid along with her 2 new SILs and another of his family members. To be fair it feels like she is trying to be part of his family too hard as she does not have her own, but this is none of my business so I keep quiet. It was definitely her who chose the SILs as bridesmaids and not him, as he cant stand one of them.

They have made the decision of no children at the wedding. This isnt a problem, fully understand its their day. I have booked a babysitter and fully intend to make the most of my freedom and enjoy a glass or seven of wine. However she has her 2 SILs children as pageboys and invited to the entire event. The other bridesmaid does not yet have children. She is now making a big show of her new "nephews", and my children have been sidelined. I understand we are not her real family, but we have 20 years of history and we have included her in all special events and, as she didnt have a family of her own over here, never saw her on her own at Christmas or birthdays. I think a huge issue to me as well is that she hasnt even sat down and had the conversation with me. She told me it was child free. Fine. She then discussed in a bridesmaid group with the SILs how she would be taking their DSs for suit fittings soon. So my sons, her "DNs" are not even a thought in any of this. AIBU to be hurt?

The same as weddings being more expensive and the bride and groom paying for their own weddings therefor getting to choose the guests.
Also the fact that not everyone likes children. But people shouldn't moan about it. If you dont like it, dont go. Its not a court summons. People seem to think if they've been invited to a wedding it's like they have to go out their way to make it so then moan if it negatively impacts their life. They dont want to miss out but dont want to conform to the requests of the bride and groom so then they think it's ok to make a fuss.
And also, just because it's a different way than what has previously been done doesn't mean it's wrong..

No, I'm not saying child free weddings are wrong, it's just not what a lot of older posters are used to, hence not being able to get their heads around it. It doesn't make them stupid, though, that's my point.

I don't really get child free weddings either. I mean I get the cost part but not the "weddings aren't appropriate for children part". Wouldn't dream of saying anything negative to the couple if invited to a wedding without my DC of course.

There are a lot of things we did differently my MIL couldn't get her head around initially, including me not wanting to invite all her older cousins to our wedding. They lived fairly locally, though, so we invited them to the evening reception. That was a numbers issue and I wanted to invite all my close friends.

I didn't have a lot of family (not in this country anyway), so I couldn't get my head around the idea of inviting lots of extended family whom we wouldn't in all likelihood see again.

I can see both sides, I'm a parent and If mine or my husbands immediate family wanted to have a child free wedding I'd be upset I think so I can see why they're having their nephews attend.

My best friend had a child free wedding this year, so this included my child, another bm's two children and all family children including her brothers three children. I wouldn't have wanted my son there as I enjoyed having plenty of prosecco and having a lovely weekend with my husband and my closest friends. I'm not sure whether I'd have been fussed if her brothers children were there I mainly think not as I loved my child free weekend.

I was a bridesmaid again this year where children were welcome and my son came to the wedding, if she'd said my son couldn't come but allowed family children I would have been upset as she is auntie bride and I know her immediate family very well. In fact I'm not sure I'd have gone if she'd done that tbh.

The difference between the two for me are they are equally close friends known since school days, one is involved in my child's life and loves children and wants her own, the other has been my friend for most of my life but doesn't particularly like children so I guess I'd have known it wasn't as she wanted them there but because family had pressured her.

i also think a lot of people are mistaking this as me moaning about it being child free. im not. thats fine by me. as i said i booked a babysitter and was looking forward to it. its more than my "best" friend couldnt sit down and say "Look, heres the deal..." she essentially lied to me. and then i found out in a group chat and it has never been directly discussed with me. Any other friend and I wouldnt care. But there have been Christmas's and birthdays where my DH has asked it be "Just us 4" and I have had to make a compromise as I didn't want her sat in her apartment alone. Whenever it was even suggested that she may not see the boys on their birthdays as we had plans she would make a big drama about never having children and not belonging to anything. And the fact she buys them cards with the word nephew on and from day one made comments if my sisters saw him more than she did etc. To me its the amount I have done for her and then when it suits her the situation doesnt fit anymore.

Also all the posters saying "Its his wedding too". yes it is. and every one of his siblings and nieces/nephews are bridesmaids or groomsmen. I have no issue with him and think him (and his family) are lovely. He is in no way behind these choices. He is so laid back. Money is no problem for them, its a lavish wedding in a large venue that can cater for between 40-150 in the room they are in at no more room hire cost (dividing walls). she has 14 guests in total coming to the wedding. he has 60 invited and waiting on final numbers. Her numbers are her choice as the majority of her family declined and she has nobody here really. So clearly its just a decision she made. Which is also fine, but then that does change my opinion on our relationship and hurt me.

@gilmoregal thats my issue to - i have plenty of friends who see my son but arent "auntie friend". they havnt put themselves into that position. and its a position shes fought quite hard for as im not in the habit of calling friends auntie. shes actually the only one. so thats what stings. it just feels like we were there when it was convenient and she wasnt just my friend. she would ring up to ask how football went or how their plays went. it wasnt just a friendship with me.

The issue is that for 20 years you've included her in family celebrations like Christmas and thought of her almost as "family". She's basically stuck two fingers up at this. YANBU I'd be hurt too.

I think what's meant by child free weddings being a 'cultural phenomenon' is that they weren't the done thing back in the day. That's why some of us who are older find it hard to get our heads around why they're so popular nowadays. In the days when my friends and I were getting married, no one spoke about weddings being child free. Mind you, we didn't have hen weekends away either!!

Not sure when you got married. We are about to celebrate our silver wedding, and we had a child free wedding.
As a child (in the 60s and 70s) I never attended a wedding. Well, I went to one as a 14 yr old (unusual circumstances). IME, weddings were things your parents went off to occasionally. Even as a young adult through the 80s and 90s when most of my wedding invitations arrived, it was very, very unusual to see small children at a wedding. I'm glad it was that way when my dc were small - it meant people (dcs' Grandparents and Aunts / Uncles) were willing to have them overnight, which they didn't normally do, and dh and I got to have a whole relaxing day and evening as a couple without chasing round after bored, then tired little people all day. So I don't think it is an age thing, or a generation thing. It seems to be more about the culture of your family - which is a mix of social class, wealth, geography, heritage and probably a whole host of all sorts of other things.

@BackforGood

Actually my parents never went to any weddings, but they had both lost in touch with their families and didn't have any friends near us.

I was married in 2003, later than most of my friends. None of us had child free weddings, and neither did my DSis at either of her weddings. (She's been married twice.) I think the reason for this is that we're all committed church members and therefore wouldn't have wanted to exclude anyone.

Either way, excluding children would never have occurred to any of us.

Er... I go to Church each week and am, and was, pretty involved in the Church at the time of the wedding, so don't think that is it either.

I did this at my wedding. We invited our families, including the children in our family. Because it was our family event and therefore an event that was relevant to them and special for us to have family there.

I did not invite my friends children because it would have turned my wedding into a daycare centre, increased my costs by a third, and had my friends leaving early instead of staying up partying with me like we used to before everyone had kids.

And all my friends were great about it, because they aren't the kind of people to make other people's weddings about them...