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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt my son isnt invited to BF wedding?

112 replies

cocomagic · 13/11/2018 21:29

For background me and Best Friend have been friends for 20 years. She moved to the country we both now live in so has no family here. She has no children of her own and, as a result, is close to my 2 sons. They call her Auntie Bride and she never misses a Birthday or Christmas. We are also very good to her and celebrate all occasions with her. She met a guy a few years ago and they are getting married next year. I am a bridesmaid along with her 2 new SILs and another of his family members. To be fair it feels like she is trying to be part of his family too hard as she does not have her own, but this is none of my business so I keep quiet. It was definitely her who chose the SILs as bridesmaids and not him, as he cant stand one of them.

They have made the decision of no children at the wedding. This isnt a problem, fully understand its their day. I have booked a babysitter and fully intend to make the most of my freedom and enjoy a glass or seven of wine. However she has her 2 SILs children as pageboys and invited to the entire event. The other bridesmaid does not yet have children. She is now making a big show of her new "nephews", and my children have been sidelined. I understand we are not her real family, but we have 20 years of history and we have included her in all special events and, as she didnt have a family of her own over here, never saw her on her own at Christmas or birthdays. I think a huge issue to me as well is that she hasnt even sat down and had the conversation with me. She told me it was child free. Fine. She then discussed in a bridesmaid group with the SILs how she would be taking their DSs for suit fittings soon. So my sons, her "DNs" are not even a thought in any of this. AIBU to be hurt?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 14/11/2018 00:45

I know BackforGood, half asleep. Op has, and she has known ds since he was born. I would look at it as a blessing, she sounds very hard work.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/11/2018 00:46

I would go, enjoy yourself, enjoy an adult evening without having to worry about 2 fractious kids, and that you have dodged a bullet there being involved with what can be described as bridezilla.

californiascreaming · 14/11/2018 01:26

I think you need to downgrade this friendship as let's face it you havery already been downgraded by her.
Go to the wedding, do your duties but think of it as a farewell - she has changed and it's the start of a new chapter for you where you don't let her treat you like crap anymore...

Livingoncake · 14/11/2018 01:41

Ok. I’m just not seeing what the friend has done that’s so wrong here. She wants a child-free wedding, which is fair enough. She and her fiancé have chosen to include his sister’s children - given that these children are close relatives of the groom (and the bride too, after the wedding), I can totally understand this, and I think all of their other guests will likely understand too. BUT if they invite the children of one friend (ie you), then noses of other friends and relatives will be out of joint. Who decides which kids make the cut? Too difficult. I really think OP should not take this personally.

OP, you said she tries too hard to be part of his family. Well, she WILL be a part of his family soon enough, so why is it wrong of her to make an effort with them? Perhaps you liked it better when you were the only one with a family, and she kind of tagged along?

Atalune · 14/11/2018 07:18

I do understand your reasons but I think you’re being very passive aggressive by being annoyed and not speaking to her about it.

It’s game playing.

You’re cross with her and you are going to pull away from her and not tell her way.

I think that’s wrong of you.

I do understand you’re in a very tricky situation though.

Whisky2014 · 14/11/2018 07:21

Yep I agree with Living

Madeline88 · 14/11/2018 07:24

There is a huge difference between family children and friends children. They are her future DHs family.

SnuggyBuggy · 14/11/2018 07:30

It sounds like this wedding has revealed an unpleasant side of her. Like she was latching on to you and your kids when it suited her and now she has ditched you.

Middlrm · 14/11/2018 07:36

Op, I do get your being upset, I have my brother kids and a friends kids that I have always been known as an aunt to.

And it was always the case that my flower girls / pageboy were my biological niece and nephew and my nieces that I got to pick without question.

But I do also understand the pressures of budget and how to split the guest list with future husband.

When you only have so many seats that you can afford to pay for it can get hard but to keep to budget maybe that’s what she had to do.

We both had a target of 11 guests as friends ( 3 of which were taken up by my friends children) meaning other adult friends couldn’t attend the day event. It also meant two of my other adult bridesmaids children could not attend as I didn’t have the room for them. ( bearing in mind that would have meant nearly 50% of my guests would have been children)
I do hope she wasn’t upset in retrospect.

We had more guests than this but We had 60 max guest list, and I am lucky to have an awesome husband that didn’t take into account my family is 3 times the size of his ( his family fit on one table and mine was spread acrross 3 )

It’s such a stressful thing to try to please your guests at your wedding. And I therefore understand she may have pressures of keeping to budget and also he may have said for his family he wants the kids there. So it then sets the precedent that she can’t say no to blood relatives kids due to the issues it will cause, when they see his families kids running around.

I am sure she is as torn up as you about it, honestly I felt so awful for not inviting as many as I wanted to my wedding.

mintyfresh00 · 14/11/2018 07:42

I would be hurt too, OP.

swingofthings · 14/11/2018 07:42

I was in your friend's shoes. We decided on no children to our wedding but my sister ignored it and made it clear she was coming with my nephew. At first I was cross as told friends no children but understood it from her perspective as she was coming from abroad and I hadn't seen her or him for a couple of years. He was a misbehaved kids too so I was worried about the disruption too.

As it turned out, he was a an absolute angel the whole time, it was lovely to see him, and then two of my friends who misunderstood also came with their kids. I felt bad but talking to my friends who got babysitters, they all said that it was a tally lovely to have a child free day and no-one complained.

She might find herself in the same position than I was and feels bad. It is likely not personal at all.

Whisky2014 · 14/11/2018 07:47

People only make it a big deal if they cant listen to instructions. They (not she) say no kids. So even if you want your kids there, you cant. Stop making it all about you.

PiperPublickOccurrences · 14/11/2018 08:16

we were a stopgap and she has shown her true colours.

Jeez, all because she doesn't want unrelated children at her wedding. Total overreaction.

badirene · 14/11/2018 08:21

Look on the bright side OP, if the usual wedding nonsense kicks off you have a perfect excuse to leave early - you need to get back to the DC.

rainbowquack · 14/11/2018 08:22

She is probably inc those kids as a gesture to the family she is going to join. And, let's be honest, she has secured her close friendship with you, but she is just starting out forging this relationship.

If she starts including your kids, then others might also get the hump.

It's her wedding, her way. Cut her a bit of slack. Trying to please everyone is such hard work, and stressful!

GroundhogWeek · 14/11/2018 08:23

Save for some of the details you could be talking about me.
We’re having a family children only wedding. When I pictured myself getting married I never thought we’d be saying no kids to friends, but when we sat down and did the maths we worked out that over 50% of our 80 guests would be children (mostly under 5s), and we’d have to miss out on inviting a lot of people. We (both of us, not just the bride) just didn’t see how that could work and so took the decision to limit it to family children (that’s still nearly a quarter of the guests!). Although some were disappointed most guests have been really understanding and get why we made the choice we did. One friend however has made it clear how unhappy she is, and has tried some of the things suggested here like telling me how sad her three would be not to be there. It’s really difficult, hate upsetting her and would love her kids to be there, but itd just open the floodgates to upsetting other friends.
Guess what I’m saying is that it’s tricky to please everyone when doing a guest list, I doubt she is trying to hurt you or make you feel excluded.

NoSpend19 · 14/11/2018 08:29

Its very tricky and I can see both sides.

I understand her position. The reality is that your DC are not related to her, they are children of a friend and that's it. I suspect she also feels that a childfree wedding is better for you in many ways. My wedding was child free but my nephew was there and was in the wedding party (although his DF took him home after the service). Family is just different.

I do understand how you feel though OP. My BF had a childfree wedding 200 miles from where I live. DS1 was 3 weeks old and exclusively breastfed. I simply couldn't leave him. We ended up not going to the wedding and BF didn't talk to me for two years and things have been difficult and distant ever since.

LivLemler · 14/11/2018 08:37

Where I am, child free apart from nieces and nephews is the norm for weddings, so I can't see that she's done anything wrong there.

It does seem like you're reconsidering the friendship, which is fair enough. It also sounds like she's putting her new family first, which is also fair enough. My in laws aren't just my husband's family, they're mine too and she may feel the same.

Reconsider the friendship if you must, but I don't think you should include this in your pondering. If everything was rosy, you'd probably be fine with it, so put it to one side, enjoy the day and see how things are when it all calms down post wedding.

Alfie190 · 14/11/2018 08:51

I don't think 'family' kids she has known a little while trump kids off a best friend of twenty years

There are two people getting married you know! The children are his family not her 'family' and they have a role at the wedding. They can make an exception for family children but I would imagine making exceptions for friends could get awkward. OP should leave it alone and respect their choices.

Helendee · 14/11/2018 08:59

I would never have gone anywhere that my kids weren’t welcome.
Not sure about the syntax there!!

SaucyJack · 14/11/2018 09:06

Don’t be a drama llama.

It’s her future husband’s wedding too, and his whole family will be there- and it’s perfectly reasonable that his younger nephews and nieces are included.

Sometimes stuff just isn’t about you, and it’s best to accept it with grace, and move on.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 14/11/2018 09:17

I hear you OP, but I don't think you should be treading on eggshells around her, anymore.
I would say something, along the lines of, the children are so disappointed that they can't be at Auntie's wedding, and see what she has to say.
It is of course her wedding day, and her choice, who she invites. I do think it appears to be more popular these days, to have a child free wedding, and maybe, she just hasn't given it too much thought.
One thing is for certain, she has a very lovely friend in you !

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 14/11/2018 09:27

We had our ds and nieces and nephews only at our wedding.Its fairly normal tbh

LaurieMarlow · 14/11/2018 09:36

I don't think YABU to be upset, but it's her decision and she can invite who she wants.

In these situations, family tend to trump friends, that's just the way it is.

GinandGingerBeer · 14/11/2018 09:37

I think she's going to shoot herself in the foot at some point. You're miffed at her at the moment, sounds like the Sils are beginning to get the measure of her and they're probably closer to each other than they are to her (sisters I presume)
She sounds a bit temperamental & self centred (not to mention unappreciative) from what you've posted, time to realise that and take a step back?

I agree it's her wedding her choice, but the other stuff? Hmmmm.