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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt my son isnt invited to BF wedding?

112 replies

cocomagic · 13/11/2018 21:29

For background me and Best Friend have been friends for 20 years. She moved to the country we both now live in so has no family here. She has no children of her own and, as a result, is close to my 2 sons. They call her Auntie Bride and she never misses a Birthday or Christmas. We are also very good to her and celebrate all occasions with her. She met a guy a few years ago and they are getting married next year. I am a bridesmaid along with her 2 new SILs and another of his family members. To be fair it feels like she is trying to be part of his family too hard as she does not have her own, but this is none of my business so I keep quiet. It was definitely her who chose the SILs as bridesmaids and not him, as he cant stand one of them.

They have made the decision of no children at the wedding. This isnt a problem, fully understand its their day. I have booked a babysitter and fully intend to make the most of my freedom and enjoy a glass or seven of wine. However she has her 2 SILs children as pageboys and invited to the entire event. The other bridesmaid does not yet have children. She is now making a big show of her new "nephews", and my children have been sidelined. I understand we are not her real family, but we have 20 years of history and we have included her in all special events and, as she didnt have a family of her own over here, never saw her on her own at Christmas or birthdays. I think a huge issue to me as well is that she hasnt even sat down and had the conversation with me. She told me it was child free. Fine. She then discussed in a bridesmaid group with the SILs how she would be taking their DSs for suit fittings soon. So my sons, her "DNs" are not even a thought in any of this. AIBU to be hurt?

OP posts:

LizzieBennettDarcy · 13/11/2018 22:40

What a crappy situation OP.

Weddings are either child friendly or child free. Not a selected few children and not others. It just causes resentment and bad feeling.

I'd be feeling very hurt by this, and I would be questioning how much effort I'd put in in future. But I wouldn't say anything. Her wedding, her rules. Even though they suck.

SausageSimon · 13/11/2018 22:42

I can completely see where you are coming from, YANBU. I would be really hurt to be overlooked after 20 years of friendship like that, I agree it's kind of pointless talking to her about it as she'll either say no they still can't come or say yes and it be terribly sealed.

I have a lot of sympathy for you as I had a friend do similar to me but for other special occasions, not as child related but along the lines of being overlooked and not being able to mention it!

My only advice is to wait and see what the future holds, my friend I no longer bother with now but I really hope that she remains a good friend to you OP

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 13/11/2018 22:43

From your latest post, I’m wondering why you’re mates with her at all to be honest.

She sounds very self involved, which is maybe the root of why she didn’t stop to think that this might hurt your feelings.

Drogosnextwife · 13/11/2018 22:45

Well I wouldn't worry too much OP those 2little boys are going to be bored shitless at that wedding if they are the it kids there so your dc is dodging a bullet.

She is being a bit rude and definitely inconsiderate of you and your dc feelings.

RavenWings · 13/11/2018 22:50

You're not actually blood family though, they are. She has to have a cut off somewhere.Otherwise other guests will get the hump, thinking that they're friends but clearly not as important as you are so their kids don't make the cut. It should probably just have been either all kids welcome or none, to avoid this sort of problem.

Mind you, from additional info she sounds like a cow.

GreenEggsHamandChips · 13/11/2018 22:51

In my experience weddings change relationships.

Not always in a good way

I don't think your being unreasonable to reevaluate the relationship at all

MILHouse · 13/11/2018 22:51

They aren’t simply SIL’s random kids, they are the groom’s nephews.

bringbackthestripes · 13/11/2018 22:51

So if your kids want to be involved suggest they are flower bearers - they carry a posy or prayer book, wear their special kit and stand to the side of the bride for part of the ceremony. End of

Yes end of friendship - how rude for anyone to think it’s ok to force their children on the bridal party! I had kids at my wedding btw but would have felt my day was taken over if some random guest had shoved their kid up the aisle to stand next to me and this isn’t even the OP’s issue as they aren’t invited, it’s a child free wedding.

mazv1953 · 13/11/2018 22:53

Spoiling the actual wedding would be a dreadful thing to do - and even though I was very upset at DIL I would never have let on during the day itself. However, I think you have the right to send a private message detailing your feelings beforehand. As gently as possible. If this does not bear fruit then you need to think carefully - how important is this relationship against how are your children feeling about being excluded. It may be they are indifferent ...

RavenWings · 13/11/2018 22:53

I don’t think ‘family’ kids she’s known for a little while trump kids of a best friend she’s known for 20 years tbf.

It's not all about what the bride wants - presumably the fella also has a say in the guest list and you can bet that the family kids will rank higher than the best mates kids to him.

TryingToSayRightThing · 13/11/2018 22:57

After your later posts I think she sounds like a bit of a bitch. There's nothing you can say/do, the damage is done so asking her for your ds to be in the wedding won't fix it. I wouldn't cause a scene over it in any way as you may look back and regret that. But s you say the friendship is altered, and YANBU to cool to her somewhat. If she did say anything then I would bring up the wedding x

OhWhoToBeToday · 13/11/2018 23:00

Um, please don't forget it is not just the bride making these decisions - it is the groom too. He wants his sisters and nephews there - hardly a total shocker. She can either whinge about it or be polite, warm and friendly towards her soon to be family members.

LellyMcKelly · 13/11/2018 23:02

It’s absolutely mind boggling how entitled some people can be about other people’s weddings. The bride and groom should be able to invite whoever they want without people pleading exceptionalism. Go or don’t go, but stop trying to make it about your wants and needs. It’s not. They’re asking you to spend their special day with them, and you are not obliged to say yes, but quite frankly, this, ‘I’m not going unless x goes’ is something 5 year olds would say in the playground.

Lizzie48 · 13/11/2018 23:03

This makes me glad that DH and I didn't choose to have a child free wedding. It's a minefield as to which kids to include! There were a lot of friends with young DC and we just invited the lot, as a lot of them were travelling a long way.

I would never have thought of excluding my best friend's DC, though. Her DS1 was pageboy at 6 years old (he's 21 now, how time flies!) and her DS2 (then 2) is my godson. They travelled from France and I was so glad they were able to come.

I really wouldn't bring this up, OP, this sort of thing can escalate and you could both say things you'll regret afterwards. But it's understandable that you're hurt and if you're re-evaluating your friendship in the light of this.

Echobelly · 13/11/2018 23:07

I think with kids and weddings, it can depend a lot upon family and friend logistics. When we got married, only a few friends had kids, and only my brother, out of any of our siblings, had any kids, the oldest of whom was my sole flower girl. So we invited all the kids. But had our mates had twice as many (as they did 5 years later!), we might have had to say 'No kids', because we'd be leaving out a significant adult guests to accommodate them but I would still have invited my nieces as they would be the only close family children.

So if your mate has a lot of other friends/family with kids, it may just be a matter of prioritising adult invitees.

I hope she gets over the evident Bridezillaness, though!

Original poster

cocomagic · 13/11/2018 23:07

@lellymckelly quite frankly, this, ‘I’m not going unless x goes’ is something 5 year olds would say in the playground.

At what point have I said I’m not going or like that’s even an option? If you read back I actually said I am going no matter what, as I’ve said I would be a bridesmaid. I also said it’s her day to invite who she wants and I would not be speaking to her about it or even want an invitation for my DSs now. This thread is about the aftermath of someone’s actions and how/if I move forward. Because she’s entitled to invite who she likes. And I’m entitled to feel how I like and then move forward with that in any way I see fit. Just because it’s your special day doesn’t mean other people don’t have feelings. It means they will smile through that day, wishing you well, and then decide what to do about it later. Try reading before you preach - then you won’t look like a dumbass.

OP posts:

Missingstreetlife · 13/11/2018 23:08

She's moving on. It's hurtful.people are selfish

ExFury · 13/11/2018 23:14

You might find that her childfree plan was scuppered either by family pressure (which could also explain the snappiness) or simply by the fact that if the SIL’s entire family is going to the wedding there may be no one to mind her kids.

It’s hard when someone who has been close to you drifts a bit but from the sound of it her own family are a bit crap and she might be getting caught up in the chance to have a family. Friends are wonderful but if she’s held a dream of what family should be she might getting a bit lost in that.

SusieOwl4 · 13/11/2018 23:14

I went to a child free wedding , but there were two children there who were pageboy and bridesmaid and were family . No other children at all . It all just seemed a bit odd to me as well , but that was their choice and sometimes there are other family pressures you are not aware of . Don’t let it ruin your friendship you may be reading too much into it . Enjoy the day and ignore the comments , it’s one day out of 20 years .

IlikebigbotsandIcannotlie · 13/11/2018 23:17

I don’t have children and most of the time they bore me senseless, however .....

One of my best friends has 3 and I am quite fond of them, when I remarried there was absolutely no question that my friend and her daughter would be bridesmaids along with my SIL daughter.

I’m usually “whatever” about people complaining their kids aren’t invited to a child free wedding but in this case YANBU OP.

BackforGood · 13/11/2018 23:25

It's not all about what the bride wants - presumably the fella also has a say in the guest list and you can bet that the family kids will rank higher than the best mates kids to him

this ^

and this ^

Whether you feel hurt or not is what you feel - it isn't an AIBU or not.
However, the bride, your friend, isn't BU at all.
Quiet normal to have close family of the B&G at a wedding where they aren't able to invite friends' dc.

JEMSY30 · 13/11/2018 23:45

Wouldn't mention anything at this point though I wouldn't feel the same way about her after this and probably wouldn't include her in things as much as before going forward. It would just bug me and sit there in between us - together with the other recent changes in personality.

abacucat · 13/11/2018 23:51

I understand why you feel hurt OP.
But family politics at weddings can be difficult. She may have felt forced to invite the SIL DCs to be bridesmaids, her soon to be Husband may have wanted this, or yes she may be thinking this is a second chance to have a family and is making an effort with them.
I would try and put this behind you and see how it pans out over the coming months. If it was about family politics then she will still be interested in you are your DCs.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/11/2018 00:24

I get you op, your kids have been a big part of her life for 20 years, and they are not given a small role in the wedding or invited, whereas her SIL kids are. Can't think much of them can she. She does sound like hard work, and I think you have dodged a bullet by your ds not going. I personally think they would find it boring and all the before wedding palava.

I would distance myself from her a bit, and invest less in the friendship.

BackforGood · 14/11/2018 00:34

I don't think the OP's dc have been a big part of bride's life for 20 years

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