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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt my son isnt invited to BF wedding?

112 replies

cocomagic · 13/11/2018 21:29

For background me and Best Friend have been friends for 20 years. She moved to the country we both now live in so has no family here. She has no children of her own and, as a result, is close to my 2 sons. They call her Auntie Bride and she never misses a Birthday or Christmas. We are also very good to her and celebrate all occasions with her. She met a guy a few years ago and they are getting married next year. I am a bridesmaid along with her 2 new SILs and another of his family members. To be fair it feels like she is trying to be part of his family too hard as she does not have her own, but this is none of my business so I keep quiet. It was definitely her who chose the SILs as bridesmaids and not him, as he cant stand one of them.

They have made the decision of no children at the wedding. This isnt a problem, fully understand its their day. I have booked a babysitter and fully intend to make the most of my freedom and enjoy a glass or seven of wine. However she has her 2 SILs children as pageboys and invited to the entire event. The other bridesmaid does not yet have children. She is now making a big show of her new "nephews", and my children have been sidelined. I understand we are not her real family, but we have 20 years of history and we have included her in all special events and, as she didnt have a family of her own over here, never saw her on her own at Christmas or birthdays. I think a huge issue to me as well is that she hasnt even sat down and had the conversation with me. She told me it was child free. Fine. She then discussed in a bridesmaid group with the SILs how she would be taking their DSs for suit fittings soon. So my sons, her "DNs" are not even a thought in any of this. AIBU to be hurt?

OP posts:
yesyesyess · 14/11/2018 12:42

I'd like to hear her side of the story. Both of you sound like drama llamas. You would go but end the friendship over this? I would never impose my children on any wedding. It IS childish.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 14/11/2018 12:48

Obviously people can invite who they like to their weddings but to imagine people aren't going to notice and react to who they invite is stupid. The fact that it's your wedding doesn't negate basic decency and consideration. If you exclude one person from a wedding or invite one child and not another you're making a statement - that child is more part of the family than the other child not invited.

It does sound like she's shifting her focus to her new family without much consideration for your feelings.

RockYourSocksOff · 14/11/2018 12:55

The reason the SIL’s children are invited is because they are pageboys and while I can understand you’re upset, that’s the reason.

While her SIL is running around after her dc you will be having a fab, child free day/night, which is how you have to look at this rather than your dc being excluded.

RockYourSocksOff · 14/11/2018 12:58

And you obviously mean a lot to her as you’re her bridesmaid. Her dh to be might be really close to his nephews, therefore they are part of the celebrations too.

DontWannaBeObamasElf · 14/11/2018 13:17

I don’t agree with the posters who say “the friendship is over/one sided.” These are her future husband’s family, the people she will be interacting with for the rest of their married life. This is a way to bring their family together and involve her new nephews.

As someone else has said, she has to draw the line somewhere as if your kids were invited and others not then there would have been murmurings of “why are her kids here if mine aren’t?” and possibly put a dent in other friendships and as her best friend she maybe expected/hoped you’d be understanding. It doesn’t change her feelings towards you and your children. It’s just one day.

picnicinnovember · 14/11/2018 13:23

I think it's quite normal to invite nephews and nieces of the B&G and no other children. If she invited your sons, she would have other friends grumbling that there were non family kids present, so why not theirs?

And your comments about your friend 'trying too hard' to be part of the groom's family in the absence of any close family of her own are not very nice.

CoughLaughFart · 14/11/2018 15:56

To be honest, OP, it sounds like your nose was out of joint from early on. You didn’t really like that your friend had asked her future sister-in-laws to be bridesmaids as well as you; as if perhaps you felt she was putting them on the same level as you? You also say she’s ‘trying too hard’ to be part of the groom’s family; again, as if perhaps you feel pushed out.

I think family children only is a perfectly acceptable decision when it comes to who to invite. If the bride singles your children out, other friends will be annoyed that their children weren’t invited. Don’t forget the groom in all this - these children are his blood relatives. He may well be getting pressure from his parents to make sure their grandchildren are at the wedding.

It sounds like she’s being a bit bridezilla at the moment, but when her own siblings aren’t bothering to come, it’s natural that she’s over-emotional - and that she wants to feel like part of her fiancé’s family. Cut her some slack and don’t throw away a 20-year friendship because of this.

picnicinnovember · 14/11/2018 15:59

I think that's the bit you're forgetting OP. The SIL's children are an actual part of the groom's family. They are his nieces/nephews and his parents grandchildren. That is very different to inviting a friend's children who give you the honorary title of aunt. It really is.

CoughLaughFart · 14/11/2018 16:02

my DIL to be wanted a child free wedding, mile away from where we live. We have 2 foster kids and felt we could not exclude them as they feel on the outside enough already.My DIL to be could not understand why we did not just put them with respite carers - but in all conscience we felt this sent the wrong message. My DD was in a similar position - her foster kids are long term and they were excluded too. In the end we felt we could not attend without the children and so offered to have a separate celebration for them after wards. At this point they backed down and invited them - out of 1000 photos 700 were of the bride's mother - and 2 badly posed ones of the kids!

So you put your foster children ahead of your own son, refusing to go to his wedding until his fiancée ‘backed down’ and then, when you had what you wanted, against the wishes of the bride and groom, you still complain that the foster children weren’t in enough of the photos!

Did you think for a minute how your son must have felt that the parents who raised him for birth were prepared to skip his wedding to avoid upsetting their foster children?

BumbleBeee69 · 14/11/2018 16:12

So you put your foster children ahead of your own son, refusing to go to his wedding until his fiancée ‘backed down’ and then, when you had what you wanted, against the wishes of the bride and groom, you still complain that the foster children weren’t in enough of the photos!

Did you think for a minute how your son must have felt that the parents who raised him for birth were prepared to skip his wedding to avoid upsetting their foster children?

I have to agree Flowers

Lizzie48 · 14/11/2018 16:31

I don't agree, actually, foster kids are part of the family, especially long-term placements. I would be interested to know what this poster's DS actually wanted, we're only told what the DIL's wishes were. A lot of people whose parents have fostered actually see the foster kids as their siblings.

As his sister also has foster kids, it's obviously something they grew up with and is an important part of their family life.

It sounds to me as if the DIL doesn't understand the importance they place on fostering. It's a big commitment which a lot of foster families take very seriously, it's not just a job.

Original poster
cocomagic · 14/11/2018 17:10

Thank you everyone for the thoughts Flowers

For the poster who said I have a problem with her SILs - I genuinely don’t. They’re lovely women. She chose well. Both are very helpful with the wedding plans and hen do. I even later on defended one for leaving the dress fitting and also said I don’t think the bitchiness she has recently displayed is coming from their family - they’re not like that. I have zero complaint with them being bridesmaids alongside me.

In “trying to hard” maybe I should have explained. When she got with the guy she lied about liking certain types of hobbies and sports. His family are big rugby fans. She now has a rugby reason ticket, goes along and cheers weekly. But complains to me she hates it. She also has gatherings at her house for the big games. She also found out via Facebook that one SIL helps at a Morris dancing club. She immediately told them she had been doing it for years. She had NEVER done it before. She now helps at SILs club and runs a group of children.

The same with music and films. When one mentions a group or movie, she immediately buys it and casually drops it into conversation or leaves it out. She calls it bonding and showing interest. I think it’s trying too hard to be someone you’re not to be accepted.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 14/11/2018 17:15

She sounds pretty insecure

dontalltalkatonce · 14/11/2018 17:23

Tbh, you're starting to sound a bit jealous that she's not your third wheel permanently single girlfriend who always caters to you The Married One with Kids anymore. Your last post is pretty spiteful. Maybe she'll be the one to realise the friendship is starting to drift apart because her friend ultimately wanted her to remain in thrall to her and her family instead of getting one of her own Hmm.

YABVU to be disappointed she and the groom have chosen to put his sister's kids in the wedding over yours.

Pundora · 14/11/2018 17:25

It is of course her wedding day, and her choice, who she invites

Well, it's up to the groom as well, in equal parts.
Maybe they decided family children only. Maybe he has lots of friends with children and really doesn't want to have a wedding with lots of young children there.

Maybe his friends would see OPs unrelated children there and get the hump. I can see why the bride AND groom have made this decision - that any children there are blood relatives.
It's a minefield for the bride. I actually feel a bit sorry for 'her' tbh.
It's a difficult decision to have to make but it has to be made.

Davespecifico · 14/11/2018 17:29

I don't like the sound of her. Enjoy the party then downgrade the friendship

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 14/11/2018 17:48

I think that if she had invited yours to be pageboys as well it would have made the bridal party too big.
If she had invited yours as pageboys instead SIL would have wanted theirs too.
If she invited yours as guests, that would have put everyone else with kids they had to leave, upset.

Although I do think a good friend might have raised it she probably thinks you already understand her dilemma.

Pundora · 15/11/2018 01:19

she probably thinks you already understand her dilemma

SheWoreBlueVelvet has it absolutely right.

sofato5miles · 15/11/2018 02:05

Honestly, this cultural phenomenon of child free weddings is not something I can get my head around. All this focus on The Day and not the marriage and what it means in the joining of families and the support of the community has been lost.

Your story is a perfect example of this. I am sorry for your boys but a brisk, "It's a adult party, darlings" seems your only option.

LaurieMarlow · 15/11/2018 04:35

All this focus on The Day and not the marriage and what it means in the joining of families and the support of the community has been lost.

I don't think this is necessarily connected with child free weddings.

It's much more likely the bride and groom don't want places taken up with children who they aren't particularly close to and/or aren't going to get much out of the day.

I've just taken my small children (5 months and 4) to a family wedding and tbh it's not a child friendly activity. There's not much for them until the dancing (which in this case didn't start til after 10 when both were sound asleep)

ExFury · 15/11/2018 07:24

All this focus on The Day and not the marriage and what it means in the joining of families and the support of the community has been lost.

That’s partly down to the suppliers who charge 4/5 times the price for a wedding meal as they do any other. People can’t afford the extra 10/15/20 children of their friends on top of everyone else.

Antigon · 15/11/2018 07:40

She gets funny when I go for family meals for DSis's birthdays and she sees facebook photos of my DC with them. I then have to plan things with her so she doesnt feel they are overshadowing her. So I imagine if I had an event with only biological aunties playing a role she would never speak to me again.

She's a hypocrite! OP, I agree with you that it's best not to say anything to her due to the wedding BUT all this possessiveness about you and resentment of YOU seeing YOUR own family with YOUR CHILDREN that she spends Christmases and Birthdays with but is now sidelining, has to STOP.

So if she continues to behave this way after the wedding, please put in place your own boundaries and don't allow her to use you and your family.

I hope the friendship goes back to what it was. But remember how she behaved to you when her husband leaves when he finds out she hates rugby and Morris dancing

GreenEggsHamandChips · 15/11/2018 10:08

All this focus on The Day and not the marriage and what it means in the joining of families and the support of the community has been lost

A marriage isn't a joining of two families. It's two individuals entering into a legal commitment that defines their relationship. I wouldn't support the whole getting married thing but I will turn up to a wedding because i dont really think it's a good idea most of the time. I would turn up tosupport someone I care about regardless of what I thought of the institution itself. I'm not suddenly going to feel something for the other party. The idea of big wedding seems somewhat archaic

Whisky2014 · 15/11/2018 10:09

Honestly, this cultural phenomenon of child free weddings is not something I can get my head around.. Wtf @ "cultural phenomenon"...hardly..its a choice people are allowed to make and by choosing to not have kids at a wedding doesnt make the wedding any less meaningful nor does wanting to enjoy the day (prob an expensive day) take away from the marriage for the rest of their lives. What a stupid thing to say.

Lizzie48 · 15/11/2018 10:18

I think what's meant by child free weddings being a 'cultural phenomenon' is that they weren't the done thing back in the day. That's why some of us who are older find it hard to get our heads around why they're so popular nowadays. In the days when my friends and I were getting married, no one spoke about weddings being child free. Mind you, we didn't have hen weekends away either!!

In previous generations, people married younger and their parents chose the guests for the most part, as they were paying.

So no, it's not a stupid thing to say; it just reflects different cultural expectations. (Although child free weddings look like they're here to stay, so it would be an idea to adjust our expectations!)