DH wants cousin to leave...

[Darfally]

I'm 3 weeks PP. DH is back at work. Baby is a bit colicky and up all night every night feeding. My cousin has been here since last night and I want her to stay until tomorrow. She's lovely but DH feels uncomfortable with people in the house. He wants my cousin to leave, but this means I'm on my own overnight as DH sleeps upstairs in a separate room at the minute, and I'm on my own tomorrow.

I'm exhausted, I need sleep.

Who is BU? Me wanting cousin to stay when it makes DH uncomfortable? Or DH putting his wants/needs first, before mine?

I'll add, I have NOBODY locally to help me out as I moved to DHs local area and his family aren't the type who would be able (or want) to offer any help during the day in the week.

If he won’t help you at night, he has no right to remove the person that will help you.

Wtf isn’t he helping you at night?

He’s BU. She’s helpful to you, and it’s one night. Why would he not want you to feel helped and supported at 3 weeks PP?

I’d say if your cousin has to leave then he has to do the night wake ups your cousin would have done.

You need support and if he can’t provide it then it’s perfectly reasonable to get other help.

If your DH is sleeping in a separate room and not even offering to help you during the night he can shut the F up as far as I'm concerned!

Your cousin sounds lovely for wanting to help.

Your DH is a selfish arse. Is he engaged in parenting at all?

3weeks PP? You call the shots.

He is being selfish. Your cousin is staying for 3 days not 3 weeks. If the cousin is helping you, then what you need takes priority, since you are the one recovering from birth and caring for a newborn.
Why is your h not helping you at night - it's his baby and responsibility too.

Tell him that when he pushes a baby out of his genitals, his needs will take priority. In the mean time his job is to support you.

@Ginazon no idea. I'm sleeping in a different room attached to the kitchen so I can make tea and get food etc. He probably thinks because we are in separate rooms at the moment that he doesn't need to help. I suggested he could set a couple of alarms to do nappy changes but it hasn't happened.

YANBU. Tell DH that you need your cousin’s help and support. Why isn’t he or his family helping you out more?

HIBU. If he isn't going to help he can bloody well get over "being uncomfortable". I'm sure you wish "being uncomfortable with someone in your house" was your biggest issue at the moment.

He’s being ridiculous, it’s two nights! If you wanted her to stay for months on end I’d see his point but unless she’s awful I can’t see why anyone would object to a few nights.

@Bluesmartiesarebest his family are really good at coming over when I would actually rather be sleeping, expecting me to make them coffee and tea and looking at baby. Not happy to be left alone with him and seem to forget that there's a recovering woman sat in the room with them. DH does nappy changes on evenings but that's about it. I literally have no real help.

DH needs to buck his ideas up.

He is BU.

Tell him he needs to be a parent, including at night and in the early mornings.

Start setting some boundaries with his family.

She's not awful. She's lovely. I don't think he realises how hard this is. I'm exhausted and DC is cluster feeding all day and night. Sleeps for 2 hours at a time. My nipples are sore. I've just come out of hospital as I had a crazy high fever for 3/4 days, I've got a permanent fatigue headache, and still recovering from childbirth (didnt realise it took such a long time).

I just need a bit of help...

Maybe your useless DH should leave. He’s happy to have you fun after his family making tea?! Wtf. 😳

Your DH is the problem here- at that point mine was working full time and helping out with half the night - we did shifts of sleep between breastfeeds eg you sleep 8-11 2-5 him 11-2 5-7. I'd not have managed to function in the day or stop myself falling asleep on the baby overnight otherwise.
Let your cousin stay if they're helpful.

Is he trying to control who you see? If your parents live further away surely they will have to stay over too?

Tell your husband if she goes he needs to take time off to replace her...
Then wait say nothing more...
He may repeat his wanting her to go...
So repeat is he taking time off then, if so he can take her to the station tomorrow.

I literally only have help between 6 and 10pm when he's home. That's it. The rest of the time it is all me. I'm so exhausted. Sorry I'm just moaning now but it's quite liberating realising that it's normal that people get help.

At a scant 3 weeks PP making tea and food for you is his job, not to mention pitching in with some actual parenting. Congrats on your lovely baby, I'm so sorry your H isn't taking care of you properly. Your cousin sounds lovely, keep her with you as long as possible

This is time for you and your baby to have what you need. Your needs come first. He's been 'adutlting' (supposedly) for years and now there's a little person in the world who comes before him - which I guess he is struggling with. If he's that uncomfortable he can go. I'm all about equality and this time is important for him too but he's being really selfish here.

If he won’t help you at night, he has no right to remove the person that will help you.

This, absolutely. Your DH is being selfish, inconsiderate and unreasonable. If he can’t see this, keep repeating Ginazon’s comment until the penny drops.

I don't think he understands fully what you've been through and how difficult it is being a new mother.

Have you explained in extremely simple terms how you're finding it and how hard it is?
As silly as it sounds, sometimes men need us to break it down. As he probably sees it as he's going out to work and that's just as hard as staying home with the baby which we all know is utter bollocks

I'm so glad your cousin is there not only to help you, but to keep you company!

I imagine you're doing an amazing job, just keep stressing to him how difficult it is and how gigantic of a help your cousin is

Being rude to your family and trying to separate you from the is a HUGE warning sign of an abusive and controlling man.

Knowing him he's so stubborn that he will help at night just so he can tell my cousin to go home... then probably stop gradually when she goes.

Don’t make his family cups of tea when they come over. And disappear to your bedroom with baby to breastfeed for as long as you like when they’re over.

Don’t let your cousin leave and start calling up to your husband when your baby wakes up, each and every time. Should shut him up after one night of being woken incessantly.

Your husband and his family sound awful.