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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants cousin to leave...

96 replies

Darfally · 13/11/2018 10:43

I'm 3 weeks PP. DH is back at work. Baby is a bit colicky and up all night every night feeding. My cousin has been here since last night and I want her to stay until tomorrow. She's lovely but DH feels uncomfortable with people in the house. He wants my cousin to leave, but this means I'm on my own overnight as DH sleeps upstairs in a separate room at the minute, and I'm on my own tomorrow.

I'm exhausted, I need sleep.

Who is BU? Me wanting cousin to stay when it makes DH uncomfortable? Or DH putting his wants/needs first, before mine?

OP posts:
halaz · 13/11/2018 11:26

Maybe try telling him how incredibly lonely it can be when you're all alone during the day and night!!!!!!!!!!

Why must there always be one who mentions abuse. This doesn't sound like abuse, just a very selfish and ignorant man!

DerelictWreck · 13/11/2018 11:26

I suggested he could set a couple of alarms to do nappy changes but it hasn't happened

If you don't nip that kind of behavior in the bud now then it will only get worse. Explain to him that you want her to stay as you are struggling on your own and need help, especially in the nights. his reaction will tell you everything you need to know about the next 10 years.

Loopytiles · 13/11/2018 11:27

It is not “help” it’s parenting: if he is a decent bloke he’ll listen to you and step up. If he’s unwilling to do that - you sound very negative about him which suggest he may be an arse - please reflect on your future.

Mitzimaybe · 13/11/2018 11:28

YANBU. HIBVU.

Do not make tea etc. for his family members. If you have to let them in, say "I'm exhausted beyond reason. I'm so glad you're here, you're a lifesaver! Please can you make me some tea and toast while I'm breastfeeding, thank you so much."

ButchyRestingFace · 13/11/2018 11:30

She's lovely but DH feels uncomfortable with people in the house.

Diddums.

Does he actively make her feel unwelcome? If not, I'd have her there until the end of the month.

Original poster
Darfally · 13/11/2018 11:31

He's not abusive he's just very shy and likes his own space, but very stubborn and can't seem to see how isolating it can be being on my own with baby for nearly 20 hours a day in an area where I have no friends or family.

OP posts:
suzy2b · 13/11/2018 11:32

Never had any help when i had my babies, went straight to town from hospital to do shopping ,i bottle feed never expected my husband to feed at night as he had to work he helped when home feeding and changing nappies what do you expect your husband to do if you are BF

badirene · 13/11/2018 11:33

It is not “help” it’s parenting This with bells on!

Original poster
Darfally · 13/11/2018 11:34

@suzy2b nappy changes? Calm and burp colicky screaming baby to give me a break? Help me when I'm in tears because I'm so tired? Make me some toast maybe or get me a glass of water?

OP posts:
SoyDora · 13/11/2018 11:36

Never had any help when i had my babies, went straight to town from hospital to do shopping ,i bottle feed never expected my husband to feed at night as he had to work he helped when home feeding and changing nappies what do you expect your husband to do if you are BF

So obviously that means no one else needs any help, because they’re all just like you? 🙄
I BF. DH worked full time. He did nappy changes/rocking back to sleep etc at night in the early days because j was struggling and he wanted to help (yes, wanted. He’s lovely like that).
Irrelevant anyway. The OP didn’t ask whether her DH should be doing more, she asked if he was BU to want to ask her cousin to leave.

Fairenuff · 13/11/2018 11:37

I literally only have help between 6 and 10pm when he's home

Why?

That's not normal. That doesn't sounds like a family.

Don't start off like this. Start as you mean to go on. Work as a team, support each other, be a family. Otherwise, what is the point in having children?

Loopytiles · 13/11/2018 11:37

It’s not 1950 anymore, suzy.

The vast majority of fathers’ paid work doesn’t necessitate any more rest than mothers need to parent a newborn all day / recover from birth.

PositivelyPERF · 13/11/2018 11:38

Here you are suzy2b, there’s a great big hero’s medal for you 🥇 and a slow hand clap 👏🙄

Have you any practical advice or did you just want the OP to feel inadequate?

OP, you’re husband sounds like a selfish sod that’s using his ‘shyness’ to keep you dependant on him and his family, without giving any actual help. This is going to be a challenging time in your life and he needs to step up or fuck up. Your cousin sounds great.

And please don’t have any more children with this man until you’re certain he can give you the emotional and practical support you need.

Mitzimaybe · 13/11/2018 11:48

His feeling uncomfortable does not trump you feeling exhausted, ill, in pain, (etc.) How uncomfortable (physically) are you?

The longer she stays, the more he will get used to it and the less uncomfortable he will be. And the less uncomfortable you will be. She stays. As long as she can.

Melamin · 13/11/2018 11:50

If you have been ill on top of it all, you definitely need someone with you to take the strain and keep you fed. If your cousin is doing this for you, you need her there a lot longer.

StrongTea · 13/11/2018 11:52

Give him a list of what you need doing, all the wee things. If he doesn’t help a bit more, suggest you get some outside help, or your cousin stays on. Every baby is different so is every mum, you need help you should get it.

sophiec123 · 13/11/2018 11:55

Let your cousin stay! It is your home too so you also call the shots!!

Just some tips from experience:
-sleep when the baby sleeps! The minute baby looks like they may sleep, get comfy in bed and have a nap. Baby will be fine and will obviously wake you when needed.
-do not answer the door to anybody who hasn't contacted you beforehand. Also, say no to guests if you are shattered! If they are true friends they will understand.
-when husbands family come over, don't be assertive, be the opposite. They can make their own drinks!

  • "I love you baby massage" on YouTube worked wonders for my colicky baby!
-express bottles for husband to use-1/2 a day -get out of the house, you WILL be okay with the baby, take more than what you need and leave it in the car if you want to- go and see YOUR family!

I'd be ignoring your husband for quite a while, stop doing things for him and he will get the hint that he needs to step up! All the best

MyBrexitIsIll · 13/11/2018 11:56

Just to add to the chorus.
He is selfish.

He can’t at the same time says he wants a nice night of sleep and do fuck all during the night (despite you asking when really you shouldn’t even have to). And at the same time deny you the one support you have.

As for him been stubborn and getting up at night to make a point.
Actually good! That’s exactly what should happen. But when he starts nit ‘helping’ anymore (or rathervthanrather behaving like a decent father an partner), then remind him that looking after the baby is his responsibility too.

Fwiw, I actually think it’s e trembly I portant to establish those roles now when your baby is little. My experience is that ML is often the time when patterns are settling in. And often it means the mother doing it all ‘because he is working and you are in ML with plentnof time on your hands’
By been stubborn, he is doing your a favour. The opportunity to establish some grounds rules for now and the future.

So I would take him on it, demand he gets up with you, settles the colicky baby, gives a few more hours of sleep etc...

Meanwhile, look at creating a network around you for support. See if your cousin could come for the day from time to time (depending on distance of course) etc...

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 13/11/2018 11:58

wtf

Cousin STAYS . You need her help .

Tell DH its HIM with the problem, nobody else in the house.

TheABC · 13/11/2018 11:58

YY to all of the above. Get your health visitor to spell it out to him. I also would consider going home for a bit and getting spoilt by your family, if you are close to them. DH won't miss much...

Mitzimaybe · 13/11/2018 11:58

Could you go and stay at your parents for ever a while?

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 13/11/2018 11:59

Never had any help when i had my babies, went straight to town from hospital to do shopping ,i bottle feed never expected my husband to feed at night as he had to work he helped when home feeding and changing nappies what do you expect your husband to do if you are BF

Yeah, but all this seems to have left you with an urge to share unhelpful and irrelevant crap at someone who's struggling, so clearly it isn't something to emulate.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 13/11/2018 12:02

Wow ,

Well aren't YOU just SuperMummy , Suzy2b

Cherulewis · 13/11/2018 12:02

You are recovering from growing a human inside you. You take all the help you can get which includes your cousin.

I lived in an area with no family help due to geography, I had a few friends all of whom worked full time and had children of their own.

Dh slept next to me, I breastfed Ds1 and when he was finished, I woke Dh, handed him over for him to wind and nappy change. That way I could go back to sleep.

Your Dh should be making your meals, my Dh prepared my lunch at the same time he did his and popped it in the fridge. Came home and cooked dinner. Just like a million single people do every night for themselves.

He needs to understand that you need taking care of too. Tell him. Him "helping" parenting for 4 hours a night is laughable. He needs to look after the baby whilst you pop in the shower in the morning, and hopefully make you breakfast.

Original poster
Darfally · 13/11/2018 12:03

I don't know how to deal with the massive grumpyness if I tell him my cousin is staying and that's tough luck. I'm just so fed up. It's hard realising how selfish your partner if after you've had a baby...

OP posts:
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