DH wants cousin to leave...

[Darfally]

I'm 3 weeks PP. DH is back at work. Baby is a bit colicky and up all night every night feeding. My cousin has been here since last night and I want her to stay until tomorrow. She's lovely but DH feels uncomfortable with people in the house. He wants my cousin to leave, but this means I'm on my own overnight as DH sleeps upstairs in a separate room at the minute, and I'm on my own tomorrow.

I'm exhausted, I need sleep.

Who is BU? Me wanting cousin to stay when it makes DH uncomfortable? Or DH putting his wants/needs first, before mine?

@Linziepie do you think you could also follow some of the advice in this thread?

Darfally- yes I am getting better at putting myself first. I have told inlaws not to come if I don't feel up to it. I have also put my foot down with partner's hobby and he has baby in evenings but I struggle to express much milk so I personally don't feel that there is any point in both me and DP being awake at night. Would change if I switch to formula though. It's so much harder than I ever expected.

What sort of a man thinks his needs and wants are more important than a new mother recovering from labour and the needs of his new baby??

It sounds so incredibly selfish to me that it would even enter his head to say no to having help for you because it inconveniences him.

What an ass and an utterly selfish man. Why do so many women put up with losers like this? There is no way this is just a one off and isn't a fundamental personality trait of his, which will show itself more and more over the years.

I truly despair for some women.

He doesn't like people staying, well bugger that. Why can't your family stay over, are they monsters, does your dad walk round scratching his balls. No, your DP is a twat and wants you as a handmaiden serving him and his bloody useless family. Get out and get to your mothers, he can have as many nights in the gym as he wants then.

He's 'uncomfortable'? Awww poor little thing. Suck it up princess.
Let him grow and then birth a small human, THEN talk about being uncomfortable

Go to your mum's and stay as long as you feel you need to, it sounds like you'll get the support that you need there

'Uncomfortable'

Darfally My DS is 13 months. I have done every night except one since he was born (DH took him the night we got home from hospital after a week in and was so tired the next morning that he cried). DS still doesn't sleep for more than a few hours at a time and I am shattered. He won't go to sleep unless I actually climb into his cot and cuddle him then he spends much of the night in bed with me in the spare room as DH's snoring wakes us both up.

DH said he couldn't help at night because he was working FT. Then more recently when he actually did try to settle DS at night to help me he had no idea how to do it so I just had to continue as before. I am back at work now myself (3 days). I am so fed up with not getting a proper sleep and wish I had forced DH to take a more active role at night from the start. I don't know when we'll be back in the same bedroom and right now I don't care. Don't end up like me - be firm with DH. Sucks that you have to, but don't let him get away when you doing everything or make you give up your support.

When does your husband have time to feel uncomfortable between his 8 hours sleep, work and gym sessions?

AgentCooper, the same happened to me with dh. Do be warned everyone, start as you mean to go on - ft paid work is far less exhausting than a hew baby so dhs need to do night stuff too. Well, they have to be involved from the start or they'll just "not know how" to do things, and they'll give up before they start.

The signs aren't good for the future OP I'm sorry.

You need your sleep, tell him he'll just have to suck it up, it won't be for long.

when he arrives home at 6pm.you and cousin have two bags packet.your going away for the night.obviousky you tell him with a smile you know he will mage perfectly as its only what you've been doing yourself right? then leave.come back after breakie after being pampered somewhere. lets see his face on your return.
because actually ur cousin should be able to stay and be there.but he still needs to step the hell up and be a parent!

tell him you feel uncomfortable with arseholes in the house so you win some you lose some eh...

I was in the same situation as you OP - only had help between 6.30 and 10 (as DH "needed his sleep") and lived thousands of miles away from family and friends. If a cousin of mine had been able to stay with me for a while, there is no way I'd have sent her home at DH's request!

With DH, I had to issue an ultimatum in the end to get him to step up. He was utterly useless at the time but now is an amazing dad to 2 DC. However, not even at his most useless would he have sent family away! Summon your strength and read your "D"H the riot act.

Here's a nice little list of things he can be doing as he cant do ONE thing (feeding):

Cooking (inc prepping snacks for you)
Tidying & cleaning
Laundry (always plenty of this in a home with a newborn!)
Grocery shopping
Other shopping as needed
Changing beds
Nappy changes
Soothing baby when not being fed
Keeping on top of household admin inc finances
Washing/sterilising dummies if you're using them.
Bathing baby

He needs a kick up the arse!

When I was 3 weeks pp we'd both only been out of hospital under 2 weeks, then dh was back at work full time (army, not some cushy office job, also meant we weren't near either family), but he was (thankfully) working roughly regular hours. So as he was an early riser, he kept dd occupied as he got up and ready for work allowing me a little more rest in mornings, then handed her over to me when he left for work. I did what I did during day, when he got in from work I handed her to him he played/cuddled with her, then did her bath and "bedtime" routine while I tidied and made dinner (rarely major recipes from scratch at this point, simple dishes and probably too much beige/freezer to oven stuff) after dinner she fed and he'd do dishes, clean kitchen and put a laundry on (I think we were easily doing at least 3 a day at this point), baby would go down to sleep for a few hours and I'd go bed early, when she woke around 1030/11pm I'd feed then he'd take her so I could get more sleep/rest and when she fell asleep again around midnight he'd go to sleep. When she woke in the night (we all co-slept in king size bed. Seemingly verboten now worked for us!) I'd feed her but if she needed a nappy change or was fussy he dealt with that (when she was colicky she seemed to prefer a weird position on his chest with him sat in armchair).

Weekends - we took turns having lie ins - he had sat as a lie in, I had Sunday's. Though of course if she needed fed he'd bring her up.

YOUR baby's dad can & should DEFINITELY be doing more than he currently is!

Him working outside the home doesn't mean you're sat on your arse twiddling your thumbs!

"You ignore the grumpinesss. It's training for ignoring your toddlers tantrums." So true! Which is also training for ignoring teen tantrums!

Gym?!! No! He needs to be at home fulfilling his responsibilities as a parent and partner right now! Wtf!

When our babies were born, my mother stayed for two weeks and then DH's mother stayed for 2 weeks. Even then DH took a significant role in parenting HIS child. We were extremely lucky. Is he considering how 'uncomfortable' you are? Sounds rather selfish and oblivious to me. I would go stay with your mum if it is an option. I also think you need to show him this thread and have a frank discussion.

How have things gone OP? I hope you’ve been able to get through to your DH.

How are you today, @Darfally?

I don't know how to tag PP in previous posts, but what Graphista said is spot on. This is also pretty much what my DH did with both of ours.

This makes me really sad to read. You need all the support you can get right now and if that means going home until your DH has got his shit together then so be it.

If he stops, hint that cousin needs to come back "as he's so busy at work again".

Wow sorry he's being so crap and he really is...can your cousin help you get some stuff together to go to your mum's

I hope you're at your mum's now, and having a decent bit of rest!