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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants cousin to leave...

96 replies

Darfally · 13/11/2018 10:43

I'm 3 weeks PP. DH is back at work. Baby is a bit colicky and up all night every night feeding. My cousin has been here since last night and I want her to stay until tomorrow. She's lovely but DH feels uncomfortable with people in the house. He wants my cousin to leave, but this means I'm on my own overnight as DH sleeps upstairs in a separate room at the minute, and I'm on my own tomorrow.

I'm exhausted, I need sleep.

Who is BU? Me wanting cousin to stay when it makes DH uncomfortable? Or DH putting his wants/needs first, before mine?

OP posts:
bakingdemon · 13/11/2018 12:06

Is it possible he wants that time in the evenings for the two of you to bond as new parents with your baby and feels that's harder with your cousin around? As with most men, it sounds like it won't occur to him that you need help unless you say explicitly what you want and when you want.

Absolutely do not make tea for his family though - surely everyone knows that rule #1 of visiting new mums is that you make your own tea?!

Loopytiles · 13/11/2018 12:09

It’s been a bad wake up call alright.

Tell him, factually, by text. While you’re at it tell him he needs to do some parenting at night. Deal with any “grumpiness” after she goes home.

YearOfYouRemember · 13/11/2018 12:09

You ignore the grumpinesss. It's training for ignoring your toddlers tantrums.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/11/2018 12:10

I don't know how to deal with the massive grumpyness if I tell him my cousin is staying - oh dear, sounds like you've got more than one baby one your hands.

You need to tell him you need the help so she stays.

And that he needs to step up and help out more.

His family need to help out more.

You need to speak up more.

No, you shouldn't have to, but he'll just carry on as normal otherwise.

Hand baby over to him when he comes home tonight and go and have a bath.

Original poster
Darfally · 13/11/2018 12:11

@bakingdemon probably but to be honest there's no reason why he can't do this with my cousin here. In my honest opinion I really think that my sanity is far more important than us having alone time in the evenings. In fact if he wants alone time to bond he's more than welcome to get up for an hour or so in the night! My cousin is only here until tomorrow then the rest of the week I'm on my own again.

His mum comes over during the day sometimes to see her grandchild. I'm really tempted to tell him it makes me feel uncomfortable (it does, but I deal with it), and tell him that if my family aren't allowed to stay because it makes him feel uncomfortable, his family aren't allowed to come round in the day either. Works both ways, and they don't even help me when they are here!

OP posts:
Oddsocksandmeatballs · 13/11/2018 12:11

"...what do you expect your husband to do if you are BF"

Be a parent would be a good start. The OP maybe breastfeeding which means he can't help with the actual feeding but there is loads he can do, make tea, interact with his child, change nappies, wind, soothe, comfort and look after his wife. Parenting is a partnership when there are two parents in the home.

Shampoop · 13/11/2018 12:13

If he insists on sleeping in a different room, get a baby monitor and sit it beside his bed. Tell him that if he expects your cousin to leave, he must get up every time baby cries because you need practical support and company.

Original poster
Darfally · 13/11/2018 12:20

I swear he changes 1/2 nappies every evening, has a couple of cuddles, goes to the gym, passes him to me when he cries because he's hungry (fair enough) then goes to bed. I then see him in the morning for 5 mins before work where he might do a nappy change (this morning he did and left the changing mat, dirty clothes and dirty nappy on the sofa) and that's it. Even on weekends he has 8/9 hours sleep.

I think I'm going I go and stay with my mum for a bit...

OP posts:
sophiec123 · 13/11/2018 12:23

I think going to stay with your mum may be a good idea. He will get his much important rest, from obviously being such a great parent🙄 but most importantly it will be a big help for you! If he questions you this is your opportunity to tell him everything!

Mitzimaybe · 13/11/2018 12:25

I don't know how to deal with the massive grumpyness if I tell him my cousin is staying and that's tough luck.

Then don't put it like that. Tell him, like you have told us:

I'm 3 weeks PP and still recovering from childbirth.
I've just come out of hospital as I had a crazy high fever.
My nipples are sore and DC is cluster feeding all day and night.
I'm exhausted, I need sleep.
I've got a permanent fatigue headache.

Then ask him, how does his discomfort at having someone else in the house compare with that?

Honestly, if you carry on the way you are, you are at risk of PND and everything will get even worse. Get a health visitor or midwife to talk some sense into him.

if my family aren't allowed to stay because it makes him feel uncomfortable, his family aren't allowed to come round in the day either

That's not a fair comparison as your cousin helps you and his family actually make things worse for you. But you're definitely not being unreasonable saying it.

PositivelyPERF · 13/11/2018 12:25

I think I'm going I go and stay with my mum for a bit

I think that’s a very good idea, OP. You need a bit of practical and emotional support and if you’re not getting it from him, then get it from your mum. If he starts kicking off, tell him that you have been more than accommodating to his and his family’s needs/wants and you now want to see YOUR family. Please don’t let him guilt you or manipulate you by saying your cousin can say. He needs to grow the fuck up and support you and your child.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 13/11/2018 12:26

You're right to identify his behaviour as a problem. It needs nipping in the bud now.

Mitzimaybe · 13/11/2018 12:26

Hang on a minute - he goes to the gym? What????? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. He is too selfish for words.

Juells · 13/11/2018 12:31

HRTFT but I wouldn't answer the door if his family come calling. And put the chain on.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/11/2018 12:32

he goes to the gym

WTF? He leaves you at home with a fever, sore boobs, absolutely knackered and he goes to THE GYM. I'm speechless.

I think I'm going I go and stay with my mum for a bit...

I think that's a great idea. I think stay as long as possible.

halaz · 13/11/2018 12:37

It's difficult to adjust to having a baby - as women we have months to prepare

I fully understand your anger - my DP was the same when we had our first. Took him a while to not think of himself as that's all he had ever had to do

GingerbreadBlob · 13/11/2018 12:38

It's such a short amount of time, really not worth him arguing about. I think yanbu as it's a little amount of time.

halaz · 13/11/2018 12:38

I'm with you though! You and your baby come first. If it helps to have your cousin there then screw it! And yes staying with your mum would help.

It's definitely nothing to break up over, he will learn.

DarlingNikita · 13/11/2018 12:38

I think I'm going I go and stay with my mum for a bit...

Yes, do. He's not only not pulling his weight (and I agree with those saying 'It is not “help” it’s parenting'!), but he's actively trying to block your only means of support. And allowing his family to come over expecting to be made them coffee and tea (they can expect away, by the way; I'm sure they know the way to the kitchen).

Get out of there, go to your mum's and get some support and sleep.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 13/11/2018 12:40

Go stay with your Mum OP . Mum will probably be over the moon to have daughter and newborn grandchild to stay .

Jux · 13/11/2018 12:44

He should be takinng responsibility for his baby, not sloping off to the gym and expecting gratitude from you just because he's managed to change a nappy. This is just making me angry; why do so many men think that all household stuff and child related stuff is the SOLE responsibility of their wives abd that doing the tiniest little thing is a massive favour.

Go to your mum.

ciderhouserules · 13/11/2018 12:44

never expected my husband to feed at night as he had to work - so you don't equate 'paid' work with the 24 hour work that a parent has to do with a tiny newborn?

Only 'paid' work is of any value, in which case? How did you manage to raise kids with that attitude - that you were second best, as you were 'only' parenting?

He works, so does she. She works longer hours, and gets a lot less respect.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/11/2018 12:50

Oh what a horrible situation you're in.
Yes, you tell your cousin she is to stay, tell your DH to wind his bloody neck in, and with any luck your cousin might be able to drive you to your mum's tomorrow, where I suggest you stay for the next 2 weeks at least, if not 3. Things generally start to improve at 6 weeks, so stay with your mum until then.

Your husband is being excessively selfish and unreasonable to both refuse to help much AND deny you any other help, but to also inflict his unhelpful mother/family on you during the day as well!

Missingstreetlife · 13/11/2018 12:52

Can your cousin take you to your mum? Brilliant idea, get away when you will have support

Linziepie · 13/11/2018 12:55

I am in the same situation 11 weeks PP. I am also in a separate room and doing everything by myself. Most nights I end up crying as baby won't sleep. The other night I was crying my eyes out wishing I could have my mum or anyone to look after me.

Do not tell cousin to go and accept any offers she makes to come back and please go to your mums fpr support if you can. It truly is awful and you need to put your needs first above everyone else. Tell his mum you are sleeping in day and not to come-or just dont open the door. Good luck OP x

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