DH Dad turned up out of the blue...

[PeplumP]

I'm 20 days PP and still trying my best at breastfeeding my daughter. Told husband his parents can visit whenever they like as long as they confirm it with me first. This way I can say yes or no. I told him to give them my number.

I was fast asleep with DD (finally) and the door went. It was DHs Dad. I look a right mess, DD is now woken up. I'm totally flustered and in my pyjamas. Haven't had a shower.

I'm not going to make a fuss. He said he asked DH and he said it was fine. I'm going to have a stern word with him so it's clear he can't just turn up.

AIBU to be really annoyed by this? Currently sat with FIL and considering telling him how I feel (he's elderly however and very sensitive and adores his new granddaughter, so am considering letting it slide).

I’d do a very honest one of these as he’s leaving “ bye grandad! It’s honestly lovely to see you, it please drop me a text next time, I hate being coughs on the hop.”

Why are you ratty with FIL? He asked DH if it was ok, DH said yes. Your issue is with your DH.

YABU a bit but I do get it. I'd let it slide with FIL directly and then just have a word with DH later.

Let it slide.

Quick, go for a shower and get dressed while you have someone to look after the baby.

Just be honest and tell him that you love him visiting but as he can see, you’re still struggling especially with sleep so would it be ok if you both agreed on a time the day before then you can work around it.

Why not take this oppertunity for a nice warm shower and let grandpa snuggle the little one.

I'm not ratty with FIL, but would rather he asked me directly rather than going through DH who clearly can't be organised enough to let me know. I wouldn't dream of having a go at him but was considering explaining the situation.

I may be overreacting but I'm exhausted and please ask you to take yourself back to a time where sleep was precious...

Tell him to keep an ear out for dd and take the opportunity to jump in the shower.

I wouldn't leave them alone together, he panics when baby cries and has Parkinson's so is VERY shakey. I don't think he would want to be on his own with her to be honest!

God leave the baby with fil for 1/2 hour. Go grab a lesuirely shower!

He probably didn't want to phone you, in case you were resting. It's a no win situation really.

Ok cross post.
But he did ask, and he clearly wants to see you both. I doubt he cares at all that you’re in your pyjamas
Get him to make you tea. Do some washing up!! And chill out

Parkinson’s is very hard. It does to a certain degree affect cognition.

It's a shame that the timing isn't great but do you think he'll want to pop round regularly? I'd only say something if you think he will call more than occasionally. Otherwise, it's not worth mentioning.

Why did your DH say it was ok when it clearly isn't?

So IABU? I honestly am just so knackered and mainly annoyed that DD was finally asleep, I was finally asleep, and am now sat here wishing he would leave so I can get just a tiny bit more sleep before picking up DSD from school.

Sleep deprivation is awful...

no your DH is BU.

you stated your preferences clearly, your DH didn't respect them, your FIL wasn't to know

your DH is the problem here.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, although I think the issue is with your dh, as he is the one who said it was okay. I'd have another word with dh when he's home and explain that you're happy to see people but it does need to be checked with you first to make sure it's convenient. Those first few weeks are exhausting, I feel for you

I might phone DH and tell him I'm too tired to drive and he needs to pick his DD up from school. Not untrue.

Yep. Do that. Tell him to pick DSD up from school because you’re too tired due to FIL UNEXPECTEDLY turning up. Some lessons will only be learnt the hard way. If it’s not inconvenient to him he’ll keep ‘forgetting’.

I’d be mighty pissed of if DH thought he could determine how I spent my time.

*I’d say the same if she was DD, it’s not because she’s DSD.

You are absolutely reasonable in being a bit annoyed. I would be. But I think it should be directed at your husband not your father in law, he did check so he's thought he's done the right thing. The time to say was probably at the beginning, "Oh DH didn't tell me to expect you, tell you what let me give you my number so we can cut out the weak link!"

Your husband should have realised he couldn't just say yes without asking you.

Hopefully he won't stay long. Good idea about asking husband to do school run, you need your rest.

I'm sure you're doing wonderfully.

I have to say though, I feel dreadful all day if I don’t shower first thing. I’m FAR more human after a shower, a coffee and some fresh air, even just a walk around the block.

...and I get barely any sleep either, so I do understand 🌷

If I’d been asleep I probably wouldn’t have answered the door - not in a mean “people must stay away!” kind of way but would just think “I’m not expecting anyone, I’m having a much needed sleep, baby has just dropped off, so I’m not moving.”

It’s not clear in your OP whether DH told FIL it was ok to turn up whenever, or whether he just told him it was ok today specifically? Either way I think have a word with DH ans if he gave FIL the impression it was always ok to turn up, get him to correct that. I don’t think your initial request is at all unreasonable though.

I can't believe how tired I am. I don't ever remember sleep being like gold dust. I wasn't expecting it to be easy but I really am exhausted.