DH Dad turned up out of the blue...

[PeplumP]

I'm 20 days PP and still trying my best at breastfeeding my daughter. Told husband his parents can visit whenever they like as long as they confirm it with me first. This way I can say yes or no. I told him to give them my number.

I was fast asleep with DD (finally) and the door went. It was DHs Dad. I look a right mess, DD is now woken up. I'm totally flustered and in my pyjamas. Haven't had a shower.

I'm not going to make a fuss. He said he asked DH and he said it was fine. I'm going to have a stern word with him so it's clear he can't just turn up.

AIBU to be really annoyed by this? Currently sat with FIL and considering telling him how I feel (he's elderly however and very sensitive and adores his new granddaughter, so am considering letting it slide).

I think getting dh to do the school run is perfect. It is so hard with a second when you have to do the school run etc! Another sleep deprived mum here- dh does the nursery run one morning most weeks so I can just stay in bed with baby.

DD is now fast asleep again and I just see this as a missed sleep opportunity. How long until I ask him to leave? Would be so much easier if he could be on his own with DD!

Agree with some of the posts here. I think your DD needs to be spoken to and not your FIL as he has not done anything wrong.
Two things though-
why don't you use your FIL availability to have a rest / do things - I am not sure why you seem to think of it as having to look after two people (DC and FIL)
Do you have the same rules for your parents? Do they need to get confirmation from both you and your DD before they turn up?
I think you may need to loosen control a bit and allow people to help you.

What a pain in the arse. I would hate that too. Your DP will have to explain to him that he'll wake the baby if he just shows up and rings the bell. There's nothing worse than trying to get a crying baby to latch on with someone's eyes boring a hole in you. Awful. I feel your pain.
In future lock the front door, don't answer it and say you were asleep. If it's anyone important they will text you first or leave a note.

cheese she’s already explained why she doesn’t want to leave the baby with FIL

I'm not ratty with FIL, but would rather he asked me directly rather than going through DH who clearly can't be organised enough to let me know. Maybe he's read MN, and understands all communication with PILs are the responsibility of DH?

I agree DH shouldn't have just agreed it.

However, why on earth did you open the door? I am mystified.

Yes to ringing DH. He will need to pick up DSD from school as FIL is at the house, and having had your only sleep interrupted you can't drive, plus having had a visitor who can't be left with the baby it means you haven't had an opportunity to shower.

If DH causes the problems, sorting out the consequences is his responsibility.

@Cheeseandwin5 FIL has quite bad Parkinson's and also panics when DD cries. I know he wouldn't want to be on his own with her.

Also, re my parents, they live a 4/5 hour drive away. Takes lots of organisation for them to visit and always requires DHs say so.

@happypoobum I didn't have the heart to leave an 80 year old man with Parkinson's who walked round the block to see his granddaughter outside :(

@MereDintofPandiculation I know, I honesty thought however that common sense would prevail and SOMEONE would have made contact with me before making plans on my behalf. It never occurred to me until now to actually reiterate this... but now he's here I am not sure whether to say anything as it's not his fault and he's very sensitive. He just wants to see his granddaughter.

@PeplumP

That's where you are going wrong!

@happypoobum call me a fool, I just can't do it! 🙈 poor bloke.

Op don’t you have your own relationship with your fil? Can you not let him know when the best time for him to come round or let him know that you’ll call him in the morning or whatever it is you want to do?
I don’t get why it has to go through your dh. As he’s at work and doesn’t know how your day is going, isn’t it better to speak directly with fil?

You're being lovely. There's going to be a nice way to ask him to contact you in future though - just tell him how tired you are and as your DH is a fool, please could he contact you direct? (Does he do text? My dad's a similar age and doesn't - my mum would, at a push).
And get your DH to do the school run. That'll learn him.

@ILiveInSalemsLot we aren't close, but get on well. He has an inability to use technology (if I text him he wouldn't know how to open it). I'm not 100% comfortable phoning him (I know, that's my issue not his). It's just far easier that DH contacts him. He's not 100% cognitively award and difficult to talk to on the phone (and in person!). Lovely bloke but much better DH contacts him about sensitive stuff. It's hard to explain on here but if you knew him you'd understand.

He probably didn't want to phone you, in case you were resting. It's a no win situation really

I agree with the above.

Your FIL didn't do anything wrong. Your DH should either have checked with you first, or else tipped you off that his dad was going to call.

Just had a text from DH to tell me his dad might pop in. A bit late now! He should be asking me too, not telling me!

YANBU at all OP. I can't stand unexpected visitors at the best of times, but after just having had DD I think I'd have killed someone who woke either of us up. Definitely have a conversation about this with your DH.

I think yabu. You said he could come at any time. As long as he phoned you first and then you agreed. Thats not any time! Thats not even with notice! So you were unreasonable to make them think he could come at any time as long as he phoned to check first evause thats exactly what he did.

Be kind to grandad and be more specific with your husband.

Hope u text back he's needs to pick up dsd

@C0untDucku1a how could I be more specific than saying 'yes he can visit anytime AS LONG as he's ensured I'm awake or not out of the house'? I think that would be specific enough for most people?

He absolutely could give me notice. If he wanted to come on Thurs at 2pm then I would know he's coming, could prepare and would have no problem at all with that.

@C0untDucku1a I am always kind to grandad though :) and probably a little too kind to DH too...

Honestly you need to build your confidence in communicating directly with FIL. Call him in a day or two and ask if he’d like to pop in for a quick coffee before you have x appointment (set an expectation for the length of visit). You can joke and say you were pleased to see him but don’t want to be caught out in bed and in your PJs.

Is there a MIL on the scene? If they are round the corner they are bound to want to see you and your baby quite frequently so set up some boundaries very gently and also practice some lines to use in situations just like this.

‘Well, it’s been really nice but I will have to get myself sorted out now. I’ll give you a call in a couple of days and arrange a time for you/ me to have a coffee and a cuddle with baby.’

‘Oh, FIL, I wish I’d known you were coming, I’m afraid now isn’t good as I’m resting/ just running a bath/ not feeling great. I will call you/ pop round in a few days. Sorry you’ve had a wasted trip.’

And so on.

YANBU but it's your dh fault, I'd go mental at dh if he ever did anything like this.
He has no right, and if he is at work had no idea it was convenient.