DH Dad turned up out of the blue...

[PeplumP]

I'm 20 days PP and still trying my best at breastfeeding my daughter. Told husband his parents can visit whenever they like as long as they confirm it with me first. This way I can say yes or no. I told him to give them my number.

I was fast asleep with DD (finally) and the door went. It was DHs Dad. I look a right mess, DD is now woken up. I'm totally flustered and in my pyjamas. Haven't had a shower.

I'm not going to make a fuss. He said he asked DH and he said it was fine. I'm going to have a stern word with him so it's clear he can't just turn up.

AIBU to be really annoyed by this? Currently sat with FIL and considering telling him how I feel (he's elderly however and very sensitive and adores his new granddaughter, so am considering letting it slide).

Thanks @MatildaTheCat - I think I'm just really tired... everything is a bit of a blur.

YANBU but as your DH clearly did say OK to your FIL then take it up with DH not FIL. However now DD is asleep, do say to FIL "I need to sleep now too" and usher him out. Then text DH that he needs to pick up DSD as you are going to bed.

DH can't pick up DSD as he's too far away (he genuinely is which is a PITA) so looks like I'm going to get her. Soooo tired....

dont say he can come anytime, say please give me warning when you would like to come (because you may have plans, not be in the mood...)
Unless you are a family that just pop in whenever, in which case he takes pot luck.
Get it right at the start or it will be a pain

You made it clear in the first place visitors were welcome but you'd appreciate checking it's ok first.

You need to speak to DH. I guess he thought you'd be up and about mid day, but he should have made sure it was ok with you as you could have been out.

Make sure your in-laws have your number, tell them they're welcome any time but perhaps they could phone first to check you're in and hopefully decent next time.

Aww that's rubbish, Op.

As you say, not FIL fault.

Would he be amenable to contacting you directly & be OK with not coming round if there's no answer?

It does seem daft to ask your husband-especially if he cba to check with you

Please let this one slide.

Please have some compassion. You are at the beginning of your life and have a lovely baby, you have lots of good sleeps ahead of you. Your FIL's life is plummeting into hell, he has PD. Seeing you and your baby means a lot to him and he doesn't have many good days left.

My father had PD.

Well he's seen her now and she's asleep, so just say right, I need to try and catch some sleep while I can, I'm sure you understand, buy please go home now so I can rest.

Then sort it out with DH when he gets home.

@Charolais absolutely and this is why I explained to PP that I would never have just left him outside. I've not said anything to him. He's still here staring at DD and actually, it's really lovely. I hope he's around long enough for DD to remember him.

My issue is definitely with DH and made far worse by sleep deprivation!

You're not being unreasonable! I bet your fil would be mortified if he knew.

If your husband can't be arsed to pass on the message, and you think you might be seeing a lot more of fil just say something like here's my number, we're out doing a lot of walks at the moment so it's probably best you text before coming round if that's OK as I'd hate for you to have a wasted journey' or just explain the baby is sleeping badly and you'd like him to come when she is awake, or say you're getting cabin fever at home and can you come and see him next time. He won't mind!

I would let this slide too, if they have to confirm it with you first it's not visiting whenever they like really! In this instance, you won't speak to your FIL directly on the phone so he wouldn't have rung you - he asked your DH who seems to have said yes but forgot to tell you.

I think you should take a few phone pics of granddad and granddaughter (never know which will be the last) and tell your husband you need at least 24 hours notice before guests come.

YABNU. I think that you should remind your DH that you would like to know in advance before your ILs come to see your DD. No reason to bring it up with FIL, since DH gave him the okay.

Are you really sitting typing and mumsnetting when you have a visitor? Used to have PILs that didn't respect boundaries. We just wouldn't answer the door when they called (at 7:30am at weekends!)

So did you pick your DSD up, and has the FiL gone or has he settled in for the night?

You definitely have a DH problem, unless FiL is confused (can happen with Parkinsons) in which case you and your DH now have a FiL problem (BTW is there is a MiL?)

@GeoffreysCat I am. He's staring at DD/TV. He really doesn't care...

@DishingOutDone DSD is at after school club, I'll be leaving to get her in 30 mins.

There is a MIL but she isn't interested. She has no relationship with DH for lots of reasons I shan't go in to. She's not with PIL.

YADNBU.

Those who say upthread to use the opportunity to have a leisurely bath or a lie down are clearly missing the bloody point. Parkinson's or not!

You shouldn't have been woken up, you were both knackered and steeled and not ready to entertain. It's exactly this reason you asked DH to pass on your number or run it by you first.

DH is very much at fault here.

Does FIL have the capacity to host? I'm wondering if it might be worth setting a precedent of you going to him if he's close? You could ring and say "hi FIL, baby and I are off for a walk and would love to pop in for a cup of tea". If you do it regularly it'll become The Way Things Are Done and will mean you aren't reliant on him remembering to ring you.

Your FIL sounds very sweet OP! If he just lives around the corner, would it be better for you to decide a time and pop around to visit your FIL for half an hour every day/ 2 days? That way you have control, knowing when you will be visiting and FIL doesn’t need to struggle round. Especially if your FIL has limited time left. Alternatively your dh could pop round with your SD and the baby in the pram (when he finishes work), leaving you to rest/ sleep and giving your DH time with his Dad, your SD and your DD?

Cross posted Lady Fidget!

He sounds lovely, you sound lovely, DD sounds lovely, DH sounds lovely if currently annoying.

Sorry about the sleep deprivation. I would have done dark and horrible things to obtain sleep while DD was little.

Awww with the text from your DH it sounds like FIL asked him if he could pop round and DH said yes but got distracted at work before texting you and FIL was so excited to see DD that he just started on his way!

He sounds very sweet and in awe of his DGD, I’d let it slide as I doubt he minds you being in PJs when there’s a gorgeous little baby to look at.

He mightn’t be around for much longer so cherish this time.

Congratulations on your baby!

Also, re my parents, they live a 4/5 hour drive away. Takes lots of organisation for them to visit and always requires DHs say so.

That sounds a bit dictatorial, OP! Is your DH always the one to decide who visits and when? It's lovely that your FIL is so engaged with your baby though.