DH should have told me how dysfunctional his family is

[daytimemom]

Come from a very dysfunctional family myself. As a result always longed for a “normal” family. One of the things which attracted me to DH was that he and his family seemed pretty “normal” ie mum, dad, brother, parents had “good” jobs, own home, no addictions. In fact the opposite to my background. Told DH about my own family, the impact it’s had on my life, how if I had children I wanted them to have a “normal” childhood and family.

When DH & I started going out I met his family lots of times & everything seemed fine. DH never once mentioned what I now know; his parents don’t care about him, they are tight with money & let their son pawn all his possessions when he was at uni as he was so broke. They have no interest in their son and zero interest in their grandchildren. When we visited them this summer there was no food in the house for us to eat.

I asked DH if he had ever had any sort of relationship with his parents. He said no. They took no interest in him as a child, they didn’t do anything together, no days out, no holidays, no conversations about what he should do with his life, nothing.

DH has admitted he only felt able to visit his parents when I was with him as it offered him some sort of “protection” against them ie with me there they were less likely to shout or have a go at him.

My counsellor said I am so angry because with DH I thought I was getting the family I craved.

I am just so angry with DH. How dare he not tell me about how awful his parents are until we are married and have children. I feel so guilty that I have had children with a man whose parents have zero interest in their grandchildren. At the back of my mind I think if I had married someone else I would have given my children grandparents who would have loved them. I know there is no guarantee but they couldn’t have any worse grandparents.

I was honest with DH about my family so he should have been honest with me. It’s only now, when it’s too late that he shares all the horrible tales from his childhood!

Posters have said grandparents aren’t important but try telling that to my son who hears about his friends grandads taking them to the park, or playing footie with them

I have 4 dc and they have never been took to the park by their grandads on either side for a game of football. My dc don't see their gps at all other than on her birthday my dd gets the honor of her gm taking her out.

This is a good time to explain to your dc that every family is different.

Why does it matter to you what his family is like? You should want to be with him for him, create the family that you wanted with him. My OH family is beyond dysfunctional, we just use that as a benchmark for what we want for our own family.

A) How did you not know? Did you not meet them before you had children’s?
B) if you’d never married your DH you wouldn’t have had those children
C) grandparents aren’t a necessity

Wow, your perspective is seriously skewed and you need a new counsellor. I grew up in a different country to all my grandparents. My son has just one set of grandparents- the others are dead - and out of that set one has Alzheimer's. You and your husband are the most fundamental thing to your children's happiness

You had 'children', so more than one and you didn't notice your inlaws not doing their grandparenting after your first born? If a family isn't dysfunctional, it isn't 'normal'. Seems to me your anger is more about your children not having doting grandparents. You can always adopt grandparents.

I am just so angry with DH. How dare he not tell me about how awful his parents are until we are married and have children

I have never read something so utterly selfish and narcissistic in my entire life.

As long as a child is loved, its very possible for them to thrive without 'active hands on gps' some children don't even have 2 loving parents but as long as they have one person who loves them unconditionally who supports and helps them navigate their way through childhood they will be just fine. It's ok to be unhappy about your dh family but that should make you grateful that he hasn't followed suit surely

Posters have said grandparents aren’t important but try telling that to my son who hears about his friends grandads taking them to the park, or playing footie with them

Yeah cause no one ever has grandparents who live miles from them, or are in poor health or have died.

Oh wow. You have a cob on with your DH for having a dysfunctional family!

How rude and judgemental!

If you wait around for a man who has a perfect family, you will be waiting a bloody long time! (Especially seeing as how there is no such thing!)

YABVVVU. It's fine for you to mourn the lack of a functional family, but not to blame him. It took me until I was 50 -fifty!!!! to realise how dysfunctional my family is. Previous boyfriends realised and ran (I used to wonder why things broke up so soon after they met my parents )
I had no idea my parenst would have zero interest in their grandchildren. In fact it took their lac of interest for me to realise they;d never relaly noticed me or met my needs, not even basic ones, and that was the source of a lot of my problems. If DH had walked out or aggressively blamed me when he realised what a manipulative, bullying poisonous dwarf my dad is, I'd have been heartbroken.

You and your DH can have incredible fun breaking the cycle of dysfunction. Choose how to parent well, have great days out, holidays, ritualistic days each term when you get haircuts and new clothes and shoes, and each week when beds are changed and rooms are tidied so you know they are properly cared for.

Look for good grandparent role models elsewhere. My DCs favourite grandparent was an elderly uncle of my DH who doted on them until his death. He, and to a lesser extent, an uncle by marriage from my side of the family, behaved like prope rgrandparenst to my DC to make up for the weird ones they inherited by blood.

You DO need to have a sit down conversation with Dh about this all. His 'lying'. Yes he did lie. Why? Moving on, you need to be able to be honest with eachother.

I feel very sorry for your DH.

Haven't read entire thread yet. I would be more upset by the lack of transparency than the lack of grandparents. You opened your heart to your dh and he kept some of his closed. Intimacy comes from that openess so that is difficult. But having the upbringing he had meant he had learn to protect himself so understandable. Your role is to love, understand and get to know your dh on a ongoing basis. Thats where true security comes from for your dc not some fantasy gps who are only in your imagination.
I am worried your dh suffered such rejection from his parents that you are turning around and doing the same. That is extremely heartless and far worse for your children than a lack of lovey dovey granny.

You're being incredibly unfair. Your husband didn't dump you when he found about your dysfunctional family did he?! Normal people don't marry for the inlaws, they marry for love. Most families are dysfuntional. My husband had a lovely mum..who died recently. His step dad, real dad, some brothers and a sister are incredibly selfish and have zero interest in our children. He only has one decent brother. You started a family with your husband, look after your own family. The less you see of the in-laws the better!

Consider yourself lucky. There are far worse families than that to be discovered once you've tied the knot, seriously, reading through MN should tell you that. When you grow up in a family then generally its not easy to notice levels of dysfunction until you have a comparison..Be kind to your partner, he's not responsible for his parents behaviour.

Some people cope by not examining the past/allowing themselves to think about it.

Plus, what you have is your own normal - it’s entirely possible that compared to your more obviously dysfunctional family, your DH assumes his was average.

The older I get the more I realise that most families are dysfunctional in some way. Get some counselling with your DH and make sure you do all you can to draw a line under the past and give your own children the best family life possible.

My husband’s family sound exactly like your DH’s. He had no idea they were so awful uncaring and dysfunctional, until we had our own family. The day we had our daughter, and they took no interest whatsoever was the day it dawned on him it wasn’t normal, and it broke his heart. He was used to their indifference to him but to extend it to his daughter was unforgivable.

Please don’t take it out on your DH, he’s already been rejected by his parents it would be cruel for you to do the same. You two have your own family, create your own world and ditch the past. Don’t keep putting yourselves through visits etc to win their approval, it’s never going to happen. Admit they are shit and move on, if they want to come and visit you then they can, don’t go out of your way for them.

Keep going with your councillor, it sounds like they are giving you some valuable insight. Good luck to you both.

My parents were not handson for years i was upset about it i had an "ordinary" upbringing just my parents were working and not that bothered about young children it is sad but it isn't my fault the dc didn't have footie playing gp. Late mil doted on dds but Dh had the shitiest childhood truly awful and the remnants of that childhood stick to him some people are unable to open up don't blame your husband it isn't his fault.

Poor chap was obviously under the impression that you wanted him for himself and not his family. He would have reasonably assumed that what his family are or are not like is immaterial to whether you wanted to be with him. YABVU

And re: grandparents, my mum was the perfect grandma, but she died of ovarian cancer when my son, her eldest DGC had just turned 4. She didn’t even get to meet 3/5.

Life is rarely what we hoped it would be, we just have to make the most of what we get.

Why don’t you stop focusing on the grandparents and their behaviour as neither you, nor your husband, can control people. As you should well know through your own experiences.

I think you are being ridiculously unreasonable to be so angry with your husband.

Instead focus on building solid foundations for your children by setting a good example as normal, functional parents yourselves. That’s the best thing you can offer your children.

I feel very sorry for your husband.

I think it can be very destabilising to find out someone has effectively lied to you. If he had said all along he had a wonderful upbringing and loving parents, then I can understand why you are now shocked when you have found out the truth! (I never did lie about my past, I just didn't reveal the details).

I think you should tell him how much it has surprised you and how sorry you are that he didn't feel he could share that with you earlier. It's good to see you love him :) and hopefully you will both become stronger through this process.

Going against the grain, I don't think you are unreasonable at all. When choosing a partner most people have a list of considerations besides "do I love them," such as do they have the same values as me, do they have similar life goals, can they hold a job, etc. If "comes from a supportive family" was on your list, I think that's completely valid.

I think it's awful that you're husband lied to you and took away your choice. However I do have to wonder how you didn't notice that he wasn't in a good relationship with his parents. For example, when I was dating DH we stayed with his parents many times and he spoke to them on the phone every couple of weeks and I could see with my own eyes that they have a good if albeit slightly formal relationship. I knew what I was marrying into as it where.

Reading Mumsnet it's clear that your in-laws can have a massive impact on your relationship so I'm surprised so many people are critising you for taking this in to consideration. I've certainly dated people who had family dynamics I really wouldn't have wanted to marry into!

Your poor DH. Rejected by his own family and now his wife too. Use the similarities to bond/empathise with DH and create the type of family you both want yourselves!

It sounds like your DH didn't say he had a wonderful upbringing, but simply didn't correct your assumptions about it when you contrasted it with your own. It's to his credit that his lovely and well-balanced personality was part of what made you assume he had a good upbringing. Don't abandon him now.