DH should have told me how dysfunctional his family is

[daytimemom]

Come from a very dysfunctional family myself. As a result always longed for a “normal” family. One of the things which attracted me to DH was that he and his family seemed pretty “normal” ie mum, dad, brother, parents had “good” jobs, own home, no addictions. In fact the opposite to my background. Told DH about my own family, the impact it’s had on my life, how if I had children I wanted them to have a “normal” childhood and family.

When DH & I started going out I met his family lots of times & everything seemed fine. DH never once mentioned what I now know; his parents don’t care about him, they are tight with money & let their son pawn all his possessions when he was at uni as he was so broke. They have no interest in their son and zero interest in their grandchildren. When we visited them this summer there was no food in the house for us to eat.

I asked DH if he had ever had any sort of relationship with his parents. He said no. They took no interest in him as a child, they didn’t do anything together, no days out, no holidays, no conversations about what he should do with his life, nothing.

DH has admitted he only felt able to visit his parents when I was with him as it offered him some sort of “protection” against them ie with me there they were less likely to shout or have a go at him.

My counsellor said I am so angry because with DH I thought I was getting the family I craved.

I am just so angry with DH. How dare he not tell me about how awful his parents are until we are married and have children. I feel so guilty that I have had children with a man whose parents have zero interest in their grandchildren. At the back of my mind I think if I had married someone else I would have given my children grandparents who would have loved them. I know there is no guarantee but they couldn’t have any worse grandparents.

I was honest with DH about my family so he should have been honest with me. It’s only now, when it’s too late that he shares all the horrible tales from his childhood!

daytimemom
Find a better counsellor. Yours had no right to tell you the reason why you picked your DH was because you thought he had a normal family.

Its just as likely that you feel betrayed because he lied by omission about his family, and did not want to get involved with a dysfunctional family or put your children through that relationship

Well OP there is nothing wrong with you and DH creating that normal family you both crave. he has not judged you on your dysfunctional family and the fact that he never mentioned it might have been due to him being embarrassed.

Stop judging him and enjoy being a family with him, neither of you need the in laws for that.

Plus children don't need grandparents. They are just an added bonus.

Parents are key, the main ones. If you have loving, caring parents, that take an interest in you, support you, create good self esteem in a child, that's ALL you need.

Don't blame others. You will fuck up your own children if you don't address your own damage and self worth.

Do you truly love your husband?

Surely if you do, then nothing would have stopped you from marrying him... you marry the man, not the family.

Op do you love your husband?

I’m in a similar position to you. I was told my in laws were perfect and I came from a dysfunctional home and yes that played a huge part in attracting me to DH as I craved a functional family.

As I got to know them more I found they’re extremelt far from normal. It made me appreciate my family more.

However it also made me empathise with DH more and made me realise that we only have each other. I love him more than my cravings for joining a normal family, but we are creating that normal family for ourselves so we can both feel it.

Your children need you and your DH to be their normal family. You are dysfunctioning the normality of your children’s family just for extended relatives...

YOU and your DH are the most important to them: they will be stable if you can do it for them

Your poor DH.
You do know that even "nice, normal" grandparents choose not to have a close, hands on relationship with their GC don't you?

You married your husband not his parents.

Yabu yes they may be dysfunctional but it's all he knows. It's normal for him. Just don't have contact with extended family if it's stressful. We have always had the issue with no food at the in laws, so odd but it's a great excuse not to spend much time there

I also think it’s mad that you think good grandparents are more important to giving children a loving home than a good dad. Is he a good dad? If so, that’s worth much more than any grandparents. It’s terribly cruel to consider him a less effective parent because his own parents aren’t great. How would you feel if he thought you were a defective mother because you don’t come with a nice set of grandparents?

OK, the consensus is I’m being unreasonable. I’ll take that. I do love DH. I have never told him how angry I feel that he lied about his parents, and lie he did. I was totally honest with him about my background. I was worried he might not want me because of the impact having a dysfunctional family had on me. If he had told me the truth about his family I wouldnt feel lied to. I feel quite stupid actually. In the early days of our relationship I would say stuff like “ how lovely you had parents who loved you” (when telling him about something awful that happened in my childhood) he would agree. He should have said well actually....

Now he regularly tells me awful things his parents said/did to him & of course I sympathise and am supportive. It’s only on an anonymous forum that I have revealed how angry I am which is surely what mumsnet is for?

I don’t feel sad for myself. I feel very upset that my children do not have any loving grandparents. Posters have said grandparents aren’t important but try telling that to my son who hears about his friends grandads taking them to the park, or playing footie with them.

I understand what you're saying OP. If I'd understood the degree of mental illness and dysfunction in OH's family I might not have married him. But sadly he didn't understand it either. Take care. Do the counselling and try and build a new future for the two of you and your kids. Special people like grandparents don't have to be blood related also. Our older neighbours are like extra grandparents to my kids. Create your own wider family. Best wishes.

We cannot choose the family we are born into. Your DH may have felt shame and embarrassment - Usual emotions for anyone who has grown up in any type of abusive household.

If you know him to be a good man; kind, loving, supportive.... etc. Then you HAVE the family you craved.

You definitely need more counselling.

His lack of disclosure might come from his coping style, the way he deals with this issue, by blanking it from his life. So perhaps he was somewhat economical with the details or the pain he was caused in the past because it could stir up emotions. He may have learnt there is not any point in discussing or trying to rationalize.

Still for you, must be hard, because I think Grand Parents are important in a family and provide a buffer and a safe space for the child, basically can share the parenting duties, provide advice. So now you find these "people" are as far from that as you could ever imagine.

Your DH did well, he finished uni by the sound of and learnt to cope with the family difficulties. I grew up with only 1 grand parent, I guess kids can adapt and your parents can provide that loving side. Not easy, but take a pragmatic stance, you now know who they are (his Grandparents) and thus you can reduce your and child's exposure to them. Better then letting them emotionally damage your child.

You have to remember that they are his family, and any negative feeling he might have towards them are likely to be very complicated. It isn't a case of him 'lying' about his family - he could be somewhat in denial, or not see the full implications of behaviour, or see some things as his fault (parents didn't care for me because I wasn't good enough). Even if he sees them fully for what they are, he may still feel a sense of loyalty and love that causes him to defend them or minimise their shortcomings. He might also have not wanted to minimise your experiences by sharing his own, choosing instead to listen and support you without bringing his own issues in.

How very unfair you are.

You want to penalise your DH for not to having the perfect family. How would you like it if he done that to you? as for him not telling you tells about his are all but childhood, everybody is ready to speak at different times and in their own time. This cannot be dictated to anybody.

You're married to him not his parents and siblings, but you sound more concerned about them than you are about your own husband.

So what are you going to do now, berate him and make him feel worse?

You could work through this together, understanding that you've both not had the best hand in life regarding childhood

Your perfect grandparents dream is entirely unrealistic. People are people

I don't think youre a bad.or selfish person but you do sound bloody awful and.need to tread very carefully here. You aren't the.only victim in this, your poor husband is also a product of his childhood. Views such as the ones you're currently expressing could.have a.massive impact on his mental health.

Time to step.up as a wife, mother and adult. Get more counselling for.yourself and suggest he gets some too.

If you calm down you have a "normal" family. Your DH and children. Write a new chapter.

Find a better counsellor. Yours had no right to tell you the reason why you picked your DH was because you thought he had a normal family.

I disagree, it sounds like an accurate reflection of exactly what the OP is saying.

OP, it can be massively destabilising to find that things aren’t the way you thought for so many years. Maybe your husband should have told you from the get go, maybe he felt he couldn’t, or maybe he didn’t realise how bad his family were because it was his normal. Work out your anger with your counsellor, and talk to your husband about it from a place of compassion and understanding. Use the horrible example of both your own parents to find a new way to be a family that gives you the love and security you crave.

I think you're getting a tough time on here OP. I never understand why people think that the title of the AIBU board gives them a right to be quite so vitriolic.

That said, you are being unreasonable. You and your DH clearly both have come from very traumatic backgrounds, and you've dealt with that very differently.

There are plenty of children who don't have any grandparents and do just fine. It's up to you to build a family unit that is supportive and loving for your children, and make that their normal, not the one you had.

My children have three grandparents, two of which don't live in the same country as them and one of which lives over an hour away, is elderly and while loves them, certainly isn't kicking a football around a park.

You need to deal with your anger, stop blaming someone else for it, and build a life where you take accountability for your own happiness.

And give your DH a hug and be kind. He deserves it.

In the early days of our relationship I would say stuff like “ how lovely you had parents who loved you” (when telling him about something awful that happened in my childhood) he would agree. He should have said well actually....

I get that YOU opened up, and YOU feel lied to, but do you not realise even now that it's a bloody hard thing to say that your parents didn't love you? That he might not really have admitted that to himself at that point?

My parents transparently loved me. They could also be bloody awful. Not wholly bad, and never physically abusive or neglectful. Squaring the protectiveness, love, provision and a bit of life-experience on my side with the frankly counter-productive controlling tendencies takes a LOT of time and self-love to understand. My sister is still working through it. I didn't go and say 'my parents were weird' to my partner in the early days.

In fact, I remember after a couple of years, he said that my dad was blatently better than my mum, and I was very stung (even though it's objectively true!) - his friend told him off before I had a chance to.

Those experiences belong to him - yes, you feel lied to, but you don't seem to appreciate how difficult it is to tell the truth for many people in these circumstances.

I am surprised that your counsellor has said this - he/she is interpreting your world for you, putting words in your mouth, instead of helping you to think things through for yourself, and coming to your own conclusions.

Is your counselling helping you, or is it keeping you stuck in the anger? Is it helping you move forward and deal with your emotions and thoughts? I think counselling, depending on the counsellor, can actually keep people stuck in the pain rather than helping them overcome it.

Like other PPs, I see you and your DH have an opportunity to do something here, to change your family dynamics for this generation, your children. You can stop the cycle here with your children, by being the sort of parents you want to be - regardless of their grandparents' failings.

Which would you rather? Stay stuck in your anger? Move forward and build a better future? You have the power to choose, in your hands.

Posters have said grandparents aren’t important but try telling that to my son who hears about his friends grandads taking them to the park, or playing footie with them.

They’re a nice bonus but that’s it. Millions of kids don’t have grandparents because they died, or live very far away, or are ill, or are just plain bastards. That’s the nature of life. People just get on with it. Your DH could have had lovely parents who died before your DC were born, or retired to Australia - would you then have railed against him for not providing you with the family you want?

If he was outright dishonest then YANBU to be upset about that, and you should talk to him about it. But you need to work on resolving your feelings about his family for yourself.

Goodness me you and your husband need to help your son lower his expectations I am in no doubt he will see/hear his friend going on about his grandparents but not every kid has hands on Gp you need to manage this, as i said surely you noticed before you had kids how distant they were

I do sympathise. I also get the 'feeling stupid' thing about having disclosed things when he didn't. But it actually means you are further along the process of dealing with it than he is, doesn't it?

I think venting on here is fine. I would also want to talk to him about my feelings in your shoes - but I would be careful about how and when I did it. In the heat of a row is not going to work and nor is in the middle of the usual family chaos.

I feel so guilty that I have had children with a man whose parents have zero interest in their grandchildren. At the back of my mind I think if I had married someone else I would have given my children grandparents who would have loved them. I know there is no guarantee but they couldn’t have any worse grandparents

I'd take zero interest over an unhealthy interest any day of the week. It sounds as if they are absent rather than actively bad. Both of my grandmothers were dead by the time I was 11. One grandfather died when I was 15. My grandfathers were a pleasant part of growing up but they were other far more important influences.

I realise it may just be the nature of the thread, but it doesn't sound as if you married your husband for who he is. it sounds as if you married him for this idealised family. Now, I'm very up front with people about the fact my dad is an alcoholic. But I'm probably not really aware of the extent of the damage my parents' weird co-dependent relationship and my father's addiction are having. it is my normal.

I think you need to talk to him and find out why he wasn't more up front. Maybe have counselling together - with a different counsellor, not the one who currently knows about you, not him. Build the family you've always wanted with him and the children. My parents older friends were often aunt/uncle/grandparent figures in my life and were important to me. Build on those kind of relationships. And try to let go of the guilt you're feeling towards your children. I'm sure they can have many other, happy memories.

he was probably ashamed and embarrassed at having a similar family and didnt want to admit what they were like. you should be glad he wanted to be honest with you even though you think its wrong time. to think of being with someone else with a better family is unforgiveable