That you dont do this to a 6 yr old?

[MissesBloom]

First time posting on aibu, so please be gentle.

Have never been concerned before about kids parties, I know my kids will be invited to some and not others, and ds has been no exception. However last week a boy close to ds came running up to him as we were walking out of school waving an invite in his face saying "look...look what ive got!" to us. I smiled and said that's nice, thought nothing more of it.

That night the mum of the boy text me asking me as it was a party for 4 different children should she buy 4 different presents and what was I buying? I explained to her that ds wasnt invited and she said "are you sure? It's a full class party? Sorry I assumed your DS would be going?". I explained again, no DS doesnt have an invite, and that if it were me I'd buy 4 different gifts.

All last week I checked ds bag to make sure he didnt have one, I asked him to check his drawer, still nothing. Then one of the 4 boys confirmed he and the rest of them were apparently not inviting ds. I'm gutted for him tbh. Hes really close to one of them (the one who told him).

He was obviously really upset at not being invited. I stupidly blurted out to ds that in that case the boy wont be going to my sons party next year then (childish I know ) and DS said yes I will still be inviting him mummy and when I asked him why he said "because it's kind". I felt quite stupid at that point I just admit.

Anyway, not sure how to deal with this if doing anything at all. I mean I think its nasty to invite an entire class and not ds. I cant 100% prove that's what they've done and I dont want to look stupid by asking around or checking. Do I just leave it alone and accept that it's their party their choice? Or should I try to find out why? Ds has never had an argument with any of these boys to my knowlege, his teacher says he gets along with everyone and is very pleasant but to be honest hes hardly ever been asked for a play date. I just dont get it he is pleasant and apparently causes no issues at school.

Do I need to just get a grip?

An important rule is never ever to get embroiled in these things. It sounds as though your son is dealing with it well. Stand back.

I’m sorry, that really sucks and I can imagine how awful you must feel for your son. He sounds like a lovely little boy.

If it were me, I’d make the teacher aware. Just a little, “I thought I should let you know that DS is feeling a little fragile atm and id be grateful if you’d keep an eye. He’s the only one not invited to a whole class party and some of the other boys have been rubbing his face in it - teasing him with invites etc”. The teacher can’t insist your son is invited but could potentially crack down on some nasty playground behaviour. The teacher might also broach it with parents - I know some teachers who say that parties must be for the whole class or a small number to avoid this kind of hurtful scenario with having one or a few children being deliberately left out.

Do you invite kids over for play dates regularly? Increasing the number might help your son out long term and some parents might reciprocate.

Be sure and plan something extra special for the day of the party so he’s got something to do to take his mind off of things.

Don’t know how the parents can live with themselves. They must be deeply unpleasant people.

Yes it is nasty. I would never allow my DC do it, unless the one was a bully, even if that was the case I would not have a class party.

Your poor DS it is an awful way to be treated especially at 6, if there is no bully etc I would be really upset too OP.

i dont have children in school(home ed)so dont always understand the dynamics of these school threads and school yard relationships(you dont get this with home ed everyone we have come across that does this are accepting and friendly)

but as hes literally the only one not invited i would be asking the parents why hes been singled out,as 1 child you could kind of understand but not 4 to leave him and him alone out

Hmm I would ask his teacher if he seems to be left out or not have friends to play with at school. Maybe mention the party and lack of playdates to explain why you’re concerned. Your DS sounds lovely.

What a nice boy you have! You have clearly done something right OP!

Take his lead, use it as a lesson learnt for you both. Some people in this life are mean, others are thoughtless. Nothing we can do about it except take control of how it affects us. Your boy is dealing with it. Lots of TLC for both of you. It could be a mistake has been made or it could be deliberate. However, if it is deliberate then I wouldn’t want him going anyway.

oh and YANBU. Our school has a rule that you can’t do this - it’s whole class or small group only.

It’s hard to fathom how people can do it. Isn’t it OP?

My nephew experienced this. He’s genuinely lovely but sadly it appears that some of the parents who do this put networking social climbing high on their list of priorities.

They don’t even consider whom their child is friends with - it’s about who they consider worth it in the climbing stakes that matters.
It must be exhausting being so pushy and looking ahead so far.

It’s also pretty much proof that they feel they’re not ‘enough’ themselves.
Toxic stuff.

Some schools have heard of inclusion and some really do not care, but try to ape the genuinely good schools’ practice.
But of course they can’t pull it off because they’re so fake.

It’s all very well saying ignore it but really, six years old and the only one out of a class not invited?
Four lots of parents involved in the decision?

I’d want him away from people whose values are so skewed.

I’m not sure he has anything to learn um

very Hard lesson for a six yo.
I don’t know why I’m still shocked at how utterly poisonous people can be.
Karma is a bitch.

can you not mention it to one of the mums?

maybe it was a mistake and they just simply forgot to write him and invite?

could you politely broach it with any of the mums? it's unlikely he's the only one left out. the invite has probably been mislaid or lost in error. 6 year olds are not reliable sourses of information. This exact thing happened to my dd. the child whose party it was told her she wasn't invited (gave some tall tale) and when I spoke to the mum she asked if we were going, I said we didn't know about it and she was very apologetic that my dd hadn't received her invite.

My sister was in this situation when she was around 9 or 10. Her former best friend and the new girl who'd recently joined the school and poached her. They had a joint 'whole class' party and she was the only one ostracized.

I would check with the parent of the boy closest to your son. Just a casual 'What're your plans for X's birthday this year then?' that could be brushed off as chat, if you aren't confident enough for 'Y was disappointed not to be invited to X's party! I know they can't always go to all of them but is there a particular reason, just so I can talk to him about it?'

My ds is 6 and last week a mum handed out invites to everyone stood in line - except my son. It turned out it was a party just for girls and as my ds was the only boy stood in line at the time he was the only one not to get an invite. I was hurt for him - but later was very ‘oh well - maybe next time’ and didn’t make a big deal of it.
However if he was the only one not invited at all I would just have a word with the teacher and ask to keep an eye that he’s not being excluded in the playground, or in class etc

My little girl didn't get invited to a party last year. TBF she is only 5 now and it wasn't a whole class thing etc. She was still disappointed mind you.

So I told her that never mind, instead of going to the party, we'll have a special day instead. We spent the whole Saturday having tons of fun, beach, ice cream, soft play, playground, pizza hut and Netflix movie that night with popcorn.
She preferred that to the party..

You don't know that it's a full class party. That might be an assumption on the part of the invited child. I once had someone say to me that the party their child was going to was a full class party-I knew the parents and knew there were 8 children invited from the school only. (class of 30)

Not all kids can go to every party, my DCs know this, and occasionally it seems like they are the ONLY kid not going. Except - that’s never quite the case, there’s usually a few not going so I wouldn’t assume your kids the only one. I certainly wouldn’t make a fuss about it. We’ve also discovered DC were invited to a party weeks after the event, the littlest one went through a period of opening and hiding the invites.

It's really horrible to have a whole class party and leave one out.

Could it have been accidental?

How nasty to leave one child out.

That aside how can schools ban you from having whoever you want to a party?

Thanks so much for your replies.

I spoke to the teacher at parents evening recently about ds to make sure he wasnt alone or struggling to make friendships (especially as his school is mixed ages so this year his old class was split up and a good few new children joined his class). Her response was that he was a happy confident boy who works with whoever she puts him with and is never sat alone, always playing with others. He got a glowing report from her, we were so relieved as the play date thing had concerned me.

We have had kids over, and one of them offered a play date back. I've been discussing this with dh that maybe I need to keep the offers of play dates going and try to help ds forge some more solid friendships. I guess I just thought I shouldn't interfere too much.

Its good to know its not just me who thinks its mean. I would hope that if ds had upset someone somehow the parents could approach me. I would definitely rather know. I'm not sure I'm confident enough to approach any parents about it, but will probably mention to the teacher just in case there is any winding up going on.

Im going to treat ds to a day out on party day, so we can take his mind off the party and will have something to talk about if everyone is discussing the party.

Disgraceful behaviour and I cannot fathom what would make one, far less four, sets of parents do this. I KNOW the thing to do is rise above it but I doubt I could in this situation, I would contact the parents of the one boy he is close to and say you cannot be serious or something similar. The problem is, any parent capable of doing this probably isn't going to care and for that reason, you can have a happy time with your lovely DS and spend the 4 presents money on a treat for him, knowing that, thank goodness, he will never have a mother who would leave one child out xx

The only thing you need to do is help him be be relaxed about this and accept not everyone goes to every party.

Also yes I agree with posters saying just a few kids or all. Weve done both parties, he had a full class party for reception then for year 1 he had 5 friends. I was VERY careful to not tell the kids or hand invites to them, I personally handed them to the mums quietly so other children didn't see. I also encouraged DS to keep the details to himself and not be insensitive to the ones who werent invited. I just cant imagine doing this to a child.

My hope is that as someone else said, theres been a mistake and the invite was lost. I agree that 6 yr olds aren't the most reliable source of information.

The likelihood is she got it wrong and it’s not a whole school party.

I have twins - each one invited a different child - and the invitation was always from X not X and Y
I never asked or expected them both to receive a gift from each child, I find this rude and grabby

I'd buy one child one gift

I'm sorry but why wouldn't you ask one of the parents?
'Oh so and sos mum phoned me to discuss present buying. When I said ds wasn't invited she seemed surprised as it was a whole class party (tinkly laugh). Just checking that he isn't actually invited as I wouldn't want you to think I was rude by not replying?' Tinkly laugh again.